CONSCIOUS of CHANGE (and other mind-states)

It's Monday again. The work day has ended; the grill is semi-lit, the coals slowly graying. Relief from the oppressive heat has come, a cool and rainy day. A good day, by all accounts. Yet, I feel only nostalgia, melancholy and emptiness. Which sucks, of course.

Some of this is age. My shoulder hurts again. I feel a twinge of gout I must work on. I'm weary, needing a nap but postponing. No point in changing course now; the day's nearly ended.

The weekend was good though the heat was terrible. My house was a good 10 degrees hotter than outside. I had company who suffered more than I did. Perhaps that's part of the feeling I'm having. I don't know when it stopped mattering, being comfortable all the time. It's an alone thing. When it's just you, certain things don't matter as much. When someone comes into that picture, you have to think about them. No one sane asks someone to come suffer with them. Only in bad B movies is that acceptable dialog. So, if I want company, at least theirs, I haveto be more accommodating. That's called 'life'.

But it can't be one-sided. That's a part of the melancholy, I guess. I'd pretty much given up on friendship, even acquaintances, because the return on my emotional investments kept dwindling. It became easier to just leave everyone where they were and stay where I was. This being as good a place to die as any.

Problem is, it's easy to bullshit oneself when it comes to being lonely. A lot of people would disagree but they'd be lying. Seal said 'it's loneliness that's the killer', and I got it soon as I heard the song. It damn sure is.

And when you balance loneliness on one side and everything else on the other, the tightrope walk is fucking incredible, but unstable. Anything that upsets it practically destroys you.

So I reach, hoping to touch something. And I pull back, afraid that I'll do some wrong thing, break something pretty and fragile. And...it's fucking tiresome.

I hate eggshells. I hate when they get in my breakfast, but I REALLY HATE walking on them. And it didn't used to be that way. You were friends; you made it work everytime you took a chance. What happened?

I'm old. The world has gone on. I am an anachronism. Who and what I am is no longer relevant in today's world. And I guess that has to be okay.

Still sucks tho.

I am grateful to my Father for a cool breeze and a respite from summer air.