Respite

nothing worthwhile is easy, but easy and simple are two different things.  you make decisions, you try to make them based on what seems best for you, and you own the results, be they consequences or rewards, because they are lessons both.  that's life.  that's what life is, what it does.  this weekend i rested.  i went through so many changes in my head it's ridiculous, and yet i feel good.  things are changing.  the season of darkness may be evolving into a season of calm, i don't know for sure.  but i know that i want to find out.

i am always surprised to find out how my emotional capacity deepens.  i thought i had reached my level long ago.  to be a person who could hold the line, do the things that had to be done, not buy into the bullshit, that was good enough for a long time.  now?  now i want to be better.  i want to ride the coaster off into the growing dark, not just slough this off like some slowly moving mass of ooze.  my world, the one i enjoyed, the one where i was at the top of my game, is gone.  that city, those poets, that art, that coffee shop, those performances, that name, that reputation...those are all gone.  like Miss Fatima and her Harley.  a memory of a face and a body, a recollection that i have a picture to go back to so i know i'm not forgetting her completely...but a sadness that is distant.  Johnnie's dying, Rob's dying, fresher, still hurting and smarting, but also becoming memory.  people i know become people i knew.  one day i'll be someone people knew.  nothing to do about it except enjoy the KNOWING time.  saw my daughter.  hung with a friend.  had counseling.  job to do coming up.  been walking for exercise more.  trying to get better, ready to do better. blessed. 

it's almost one thirty.  i've been sleeping most of the day this past Sunday, but it's Monday now.  going to ride the last of my down time off, get my ass to work, should that be my Father's will.

thank you, Jehovah.  for everything.