so it's monday morning. i have to get up and get dressed soon, get my meds in, get my day started. that's not a problem. i slept pretty good; the heat is gone, the nights are much cooler. makes me wonder about the whole 'gotta get an AC' thing. my motivation. someone else? to have a space for companionship, in limited capacity, once again? but it was needed. like the car. and like the car, i have to finish paying it off. money out. i am changing habits, not spending as recklessly as i had been. have to make sure i can make the payments i have to make. discipline, a new level of order.
my mom is getting worse. seems to be, anyway. i don't like talking about it. she is in pain most of the time. she is incontinent much of the time. she doesn't seem to track very well, memory-wise. my brother pointed out that when an ex-wife of my eldest brother stopped by to visit her, she seemed pretty cognizant. i agreed that she probably would, but also that she doesn't let people know how bad things are for her, she performs because she doesn't want anyone to see her at her worst. we're all kind of that way. but when did i become the reasonable one? some things that i see her doing, some ways I see her picking up, remind me of things Lonnie told me about his dad. i don't put any kind of dying onus on my mom. i just know she is worse now than she was before my brother Rob died. it could still all be grief-related. but people die of grief as well.
my brother Jerry is getting worse also. he is very slow now, he limps and he forces his body to move. it is painful to see. after his strokes, after his rehabilitation, he did so much to keep moving as close to normal as he could. i don't know if he's even drawing any longer. seems that is death in this world; taking the talent of those imaginative and bright and brilliant souls and trapping them in increasingly useless forms. very Grecian, very Aesop-ian.
i have removed my stove from the house, and Lonnie and his son and nephews came to help me get it down to the driveway from the porch, and i helped my brother get it onto his truck. i swept and mopped the area, which was packed with mouse refuse and grease. i have a stove coming today, so i haven't put things back, because it must come in on the same path the other stove went out. thing is, i did the whole shebang. unhooked the gas line after turning off the gas to the line. getting the stove on the dolly i borrowed, getting it to the porch. minimal fuss. i also got clothes washed, fixed my parents breakfast and my mother dinner, did my meeting and got my mile walked. did my crunches and stretches. took a shower and groomed. on Saturday, i did nothing. bored and lonely. one day to the next, radical changes.
maybe that's part of the recent silences. things i don't want to say, because they are painful. my mom. Rachel and my growing distance. i mean mentally, emotionally. my brother's increasing symptoms of his stroke manifesting. i told my brothers and sister out of town about how things are here, that they need to know and respond as best as they can. it makes my brother angry that they aren't doing more, or anything. but some leave. some stay to watch the things fall apart. hell, i get mad because my father doesn't seem to care, but he never seems to care and he always does.
well, i have to get up, get ready for work. i wanted to leave something because i know some will worry if they don't read anything at all. i guess i worry when i don't write anything at all, so it all works out. time for prayer.
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