Vortex

cold, Jack.  colder than a witch's tit, as they used to say.  but it is January, no point bitching greatly about the phenomenon of cold weather in the winter, you know?

you have to love the world today.  everything has to have a name.  polar vortex. i remember when i was much younger and much earlier in my sobriety, there was a cold that was so deep it cracked the streets in places.  the year i met the woman who was to become my wife, who was to become my only ex-wife.  cold cold.  this kind of cold, in fact, but it wasn't called a polar vortex then.  and they didn't name every tropical storm, or wind movement, or natural occurrence, just to make the news sound sexy.  but this is the wake of MTV reality, where your concentration has been diluted down to images and whatever passes for cool music at the time they're trying to sell you something.  all pretty boring, to be honest. 

this has been a pretty good day.  no work today, workshops closed.  no work tomorrow either, workshops closed in advance.  meeting was cancelled by general consensus this afternoon.  got done with some work training modules, so i logged 5 pay hours, which will help.  got some other things i have to get done as well.  it's cool though.  i can't seem to get into the swing of work right now.  not that i'm planning to abandon my post or anything.  just the atmosphere is pretty toxic right now, and i'm flying on a surly version of 'auto-pilot' to avoid getting any more toxicity on me than is necessary.  it is a protective move, but i'm not sorry about that.  i'm only ever sorry that it is necessary for me to do, to protect myself.  i always thought that eventually i'd grow and the world would change and i would fit it and it would fit me, and then i'd be okay and adjusted and all that shit.  but it don't work that way....not at all, to be honest.  the world is worse, and i am more cynical, more bitter, but more sane and more intelligent as well, i truly hope.  and sometimes, clarity is a bitch.  sometimes, i'd rather not know.  i'd rather pretend, rather act as if.  but that doesn't change that i am what i am. 

today i got up later than i usually do, since i had no work. but i prayed, i read my books and i took my medicine and i made breakfast.  i went to the store and got some salad stuff to make with spaghetti for dinner tonight.  i ate with Rachel and saw her out the door.  i did my stuff for work and i am about to shut it down. 

i am grateful, don't get me wrong.  it's a bad night, bad cold.  i have walls to protect me and heat to offset some of the morbid chill.  i have a fridge overstuffed with food thanks to Rachel and a car with enough gas that theoretically the fuel line won't freeze.  i've got coffee and creamer, and i've got projects to work on.  and an ipad, courtesy of my son who came to visit his sister and nephew and myself.  i am grateful, but i am also internal at the moment, because i have to learn what i'm supposed to know in the time that Rachel is here, and i can't let myself get lost in the way things are right now.  more on that as my mind codifies and clarifies. 

suffice it to say, thank you, Father, for provisions that there are many who need, and many who don't for the worst reasons. 

a Day Off (for no good reason)

this is my scene about 7a.m. most mornings these days.  a church on the corner of route 305 and Ridge Rd, on the way to getting my first pick up.  it is all snow, ice and bitterness to me right now.  but the view is much prettier than my phone is able to capture.  i don't mind it, really.  it is a job, it's a better job than many i've had and i am still filling a purpose in my life and the lives of others.  i won't complain about that.

today, however, i'm off work.  i don't have much to do in the daytime, and i have a doctor's appointment at 4pm today.  i took off because i was trying to schedule all my doctor appointments for one day, but when i had them scheduled that day changed, so i had to just go with getting them in when i could.  but the day off is not a bad idea.  i will go see my parents, have lunch with Lonnie and wait for DeJa to get to town and get here.  i have enough going on and i have more than enough to occupy myself. 

Rachel and i have been getting along well enough.  we have moments, mostly due to lack of communication rather than miscommunication.  we talk things through eventually, but even until then we just push forward.  i don't know if it's a fear that we'll lose each other again or just not wanting to invest good energy into bad shit.  but i'm glad she's here, i will be sorry when she goes and i'll live in the meantime.

likely this won't be a very crowded work week, with the expected temperature drop Wednesday and Thursday.  but one day at a time, that's all there is to consider.  i got Dee (da Boss)'s  bag of coats to the Fellowship hall via Sherese, so that's good.  I helped an elderly woman with putting her groceries in her trunk, and that's cool too.  i'm not blowing my own horn, i just need some good things remarked upon, so when i look back i can have some light along the pathway of this sporadically recorded Journey.

i thank you, Jehovah, for the restful days.

End of the Snow Days, pt 1

it's Tuesday afternoon, heading into evening.  i've been out today, the street having been plowed, finally, and the workday having been cancelled due to the workshops not opening today.  i didn't mind, but it was nice to get out of the house.  funny how that works. it's not that things are bad or even leaning toward badness.  it's that, realistically, things are still what they were.  you learn, after enough time passes, that there's a level you achieve, and i guess happiness is either that level being the one you wanted, or being the one you can live with.  and every level is marked as something or other, you know?  like, in dealing with people, you can hit a level of knowing someone, of acquaintance, of associate, of casual friend or good friend or intimate friend, of lover, of mate, and likely so many more due to family dynamics and things.  and if you hit a level of lover and you were looking for a mate, you may not be happy unless you can live in the zone of being someone's lover with no further commitment. 

i've not decided that for myself yet, but it is not a bother having Rachel and Ava here at all.  there is decidedly something better in having adjusted the expectations down and having learned to not deny a thing is what it is.  she is my house guest, she is here until her house clears for her to move in.  at that point, my life, my space and my autonomy will be restored, my life will go on as it had before.  and where Jehovah takes me is His business; not mine until i get to where He's been leading me.  i'm cool with that.

today i went to my parent's house.  i was not irritable, but i grew so as my mother insisted on telling me that my grandson is now crawling and trying to walk holding on to furniture.  i don't hear from my daughter any more, haven't seen my grandson in about a month now.  i'm writing it off slowly.  i admit this as a truth.  i'll be no one hostage, for any reason.  i will not sit back and wait for emotional charity to be doled out to me like emergency food stamps.  so i told my mother that it was nice that he was crawling without me seeing him and that perhaps by the time i do see him again he'll be in college.  i didn't mean to, but she wouldn't just stop talking.  and she didn't have to, that's the truth.  but i don't pretend i have no feelings about things, i just try not to use them as projectiles.  so i'm sure i hurt my mother's feelings, and i'll have to amend that soon.  but i got their dinner cooked, i got some things from the store.  i've had my shower today, i'll shave my head and face later.  the bathroom ceiling downstairs is leaking again, likely due to the ice and the snow.  gonna go in and cook this stuff for taco salad tonight, and going to get to bed early and get ready for the work day tomorrow.  back to reality, as Soul II Soul sang once upon a time.  i am grateful for being able to cook for my parents today, blessed to see them both after an extended weekend without a visual on them. 

Bad Landing

saturday, waiting for Snowmaggeddon, i guess.  nothing happening so far.  soup made, but it's questionable.  wish i had more fridge space, all i can say right now.

yesterday was rough, but mostly peripherally.  but it's hard to act like the peripherals are detached from normal life shit, you know?  the shit happens, and you try to adjust your posture to carry a slightly off-balance load.  you keep moving, but it's different pressure, a different kind of response.

i don't know.  the day was cool starting out.  they're all a bit different at this moment, for moments already spoken on.  i got my stuff done, Rachel sat in on my morning readings again, second time.  i got dressed, having showered and shaved in the evening, and i picked up Joshua and went to work. 

neither of the drives were especially bad.  i spent a lot of time worrying about Joshua being okay.  the experience of working there is something that is so against the grain of his being, what he's patterned himself upon, that it is almost painful to see him using the same act that has not failed him before not even coming close to working now.  but he is a man, not a child.  no way to do for him what he has to do for himself. 

so coming back from lunch and finding that there'd been an accident, that he might well be on the way to being fired...that sort of makes me angry and sad at the same time. 

he wasn't driving.  a woman who shouldn't have been driving, whose health is compromised and perhaps her mental capacity as well, was driving, to show Joshua how to do his route more efficiently.  which is a joke.  now they may have gotten rid of her as well.  it is time to move on, that is the long and the short of it.

but, anyway, i got through the day, no issues, no incidents.  the snow hangs overhead like a thought waiting to be processed, but the sky is not done thinking yet.  i am rested but tired.  i don't know what comes next, but i am okay with whatever it might be.  and grateful to Jehovah for another cool day. 

Stressful Days of Late

yes, it's been some days again.  the plan for consistency is easier than the consistency itself, i'm sad to say.  there is an abundance of things going on, but the main part is how much has entered into my life in the past week, and how little energy there is that remains at the conclusion of the day.  but that's no big deal.  i'm not going to ever have much more energy, as time passes, and i'll surely have less than this, so best to use it while i've got even this much.

so, this week.  the contours of my house have changed with the inclusion of Rachel and Ava, her daughter's Rottweiler.  it is a getting used to thing, but only slightly.  truth is, it is a welcome departure from the emptiness that i usually am living in while at home, and it is a comfort to come home to find someone here.  it will be a missed thing when she has her own home again and leaves, but i am trying my best to take things one day at a time, so as not to get too used to it, while allowing myself to be thankful and to enjoy it to the extent that such restraint will allow.  that's quite a balancing act, wouldn't you say?  but it is the experience of some years living that makes me walk this line.  it's cool.  i love having her here.  it's not the apartment time; not the forced dance of avoiding and being careful.  nothing to lose brings about a level of honesty that makes every day refreshing in its own way.  and i'm grateful to Jehovah for the respite from my own company.

also this week, i've been transporting Joshua, Lonnie's son, to PCS since his accident in his father's car.  there is a reason i don't deal very much with young people.  he is a good young man, don't get me wrong.  mannerable, thoughtful, kind and good-natured.  but he is assuming, as most of his generation have grown to be, and he misses a lot.  we all do that, though.  he is also in the process of running his job with PCS into the ground, and i can't stop him, because i don't know how to undo 23 years of programmed personality and re-program it in less than a week.  he overthinks the simplest of things, over-speaks when his silence would give him most of the answers he requires.  he could be an asset to this company for as long as they exist, if he would just relax, relax, RELAX.  but he can't, because he has to be perfect, because he has to be his father, who hasn't made a great many missteps in this life but who has paid for his meticulous nature with stress, disappointment, disillusionment and bitterness.  and 23 is too young to mimic those conclusions to a life lived.

regardless, i'm moving along.  i am looking forward to a 3 day weekend.  i'm hoping to spend time with Rachel.  i've heard from Syd but have not seen her or my grandson in over 3 weeks.  i'm practicing acceptance on that.  i'm tired an awful lot, and i'm forcing myself to do the simple things so this isn't just a life of work/eat/sleep/repeat.  that would suck in an incredible way.

anyway, time for work.  thank you, Father, for a wonderful waking day. 

Monday Ending

well, things turn out pretty strange, sometimes.  as the song says, oh what a difference a day makes...

it's monday coming to a close.  i have had an interesting, emotionally laden, burgeoning kind of day.  a day swollen with detail and revelation, and there's nothing to do about it but add it to the Journey and keep moving, right?
Dee, Da Boss, is now a part of PCS history.  i knew it was coming, and i was as prepared for it as i could be, and still it makes me sad.  i spent the last ride with her, and that was a nice way to end a working year.  i am saddened by her departure, and at the same time i'm happy her husband has enough juice at GM to get quickly relocated.

also, today starts me taking Josh to work as he and his father have no car.  that extended the length of the day considerably, as well as got me up earlier in the morning.  but i am honored to be able to help, as much as Lonnie has done for myself and my family over the years.  but i'm getting old, aren't i?

we had a sort of breakfast, i'm assuming, because of Dee's leaving.  and then it was back to the business at hand.  finished the route, brought my bus back in, waited for Joshua so i could go home.

home.  Rachel and the family Rottweiler, are staying with me for the moment.  i'm not of a problem mind with that either.  just something else to add to the ledger, to vibe on the Journey.  as i've been nodding the entire time i've been writing this, the best thing to do is to crash and come back tomorrow.  and that 's what i'm gonna do.

3 Days Hence...

honestly, i didn't mean to take so long to re-enter information here.  it has been an awful week as far as non-consistency, bad information and lack of accurate details.  but i am in the process of decompressing now, and need to stay on track as best as i can.  no point waiting for tomorrow, i can catch up today, right?

so, the week from hell.  and that's not even accurate.  things are happening that i don't like that i can do nothing about, like Da Boss leaving for Tennessee because of the GM plant here shutting down.  that's going to make me extremely sad, and it's going to change the face of this job i have, but i can do nothing about it, so i have to accept it. 
things are happening that i have to make good choices concerning, like these routes that i've been driving all week.  no two days was i on the same route, and my main complaint has been that i need consistency.  i like some order in my day to day routine.  not complete order; an artist has to have the random in order to create new things.  but the structure acting as an anchor, allowing me to see how far i can go, knowing i can always get back home...that is vitally important to me.  switching all week long left me feeling untethered, as if i was just floating away.  it's a horrible feeling.  i really can't wait to get just one route, regardless of what route it is, so i can learn it, get good at it, make it mine and set my schedule around it's available time. i can do very little about corporate making it clear to local management that they are not doing their jobs properly.  there is a feeling of dread that it inspires, as i've seen one operation manager fired/evicted.  i wonder if any of my co-workers feel the same way.
and there are things happening that i can act upon.  i can pray and meditate.  i can clean my space and exercise.  i can write and sing and try to lose the weight i've got to lose to get my health back in a better place.  i can reach out to more people, i can forgive those who have hurt me, i can stay true to what i need to get done. 

there's always something that has to be decided on.  right now, i'm glad that i am into saturday.  i've rested, i have worked on some poetry and some music, i've seen my brother and tried to help him out a bit.  i have had Rachel's company for the past several hours and that enhances my happiness.  i could complain about not seeing my daughter or my grandson, but i will before much longer.  i am blessed, and i will not forget the blessings i am receiving.  i thank God for friends who love me even when i am lost in my own head and can't see that love clearly.  i thank God for allowing a fool like me to learn a thing or two, it definitely makes me feel better about things in general.  okay, i'm done for now. 

It Never Rains...but it Pours...

a new day, an ending, a prelude to the next beginning.  a thought, a sigh, an ache that runs the width of my back.  time.  and then the hopes to repeat the sequence again.

i'm done with this day, and i have been since about 5pm.  it has been long, and hard, and it's been tiresome.  no getting around that.  it is going to be worse, and i'm going to have to step up a game that i didn't even want to play in the first place. 

but before all that...how about that skillet collection?

now.  today was snowy, icy and cold.  it started with snow and cold, especially compared to yesterday's tornado-generating 58 degrees in January.  but, as the cold was not unexpected, dealing with it was just a thing to do.  and i did it.  i got up early, got shaved and showered, came back and said my prayer and got to the kitchen for readings and eating and medicine.  saw a tiny resident again, really need to set out some traps and just start killing them.  but i am still being soft-hearted, i guess.  you pay for your actions in this world though...

work was a bundle of stupidity wrapped in hideous paper.  from the start of going out with Da Boss to learn her route and having to switch to a different route in the afternoon, to the noon meeting and the annoyance of someone who puts on a constant show and does not know how to shut the fuck up, to Josh, my friend's son, having an accident on black ice on the way home from work.  just been a mental and emotional circus today.  i have a bunch of things that i need to do, but i haven't got time to even get them started, much less completed.  comes with the territory, i know, but i got to get them done regardless of what territory i'm in right now.

blessing: today i have been at PCS for one complete cycle around the sun.  that feels good.  i'm just mentally exhausted right now, and i need to get my ass in gear.  so i'm going to thank my Father for watching over my dad and mom, and i'm going to remember to remain grateful for all that comes with breathing for another day. 

Changing

pondering plays a big part of my days so far this year.  i've been thinking on how to proceed from where i am back to where i'd like to be.  it's not really a burden, since so much of what i'm doing on a daily basis is just holding on while all the changes around me swirl and eddy; holding on is the key, i'm thinking.  thank God.

yesterday we had our weekly meeting, and while some things were hinted at (as per usual), there was nothing definitively stated against me.  i didn't honestly believe there would be, but the point was to be prepared to deal with it with serenity and silence should it arise.  regardless, i've learned in the aftermath that the woman who is assuming my route is going through her own horrid changes with management as well.  and i did apologize to her for not coming in during the break, to help put the new route together.  but she raised a good point, that if a new merged route was what they wanted they should have done it and just given it to us to adjust.  and they never truly do that.  i wonder how the other transportation companies do it?

nonetheless, the day wasn't bad.  they set her up with a late start, so we got to the first several people late, and they were waiting with their parents.  some were irate, others just concerned.  have to remember, some of the clients are not in good health, prone to all sorts of medical and physical issues due to their challenged physical conditions.  but we got it done, morning and afternoon.

in the break between the runs i went to see about my mom.  my dad's been in the hospital for the last two days, sunday in urgent care and then St. E's, and monday they kept him another day as he was having some blood pressure fluctuations.  my mom has been home alone.  i made her breakfast, found that my nephew has come by to stay with her a bit, i told my brother to check on her early and asked Rachel if she'd go check on her later today. 

still haven't seen Syd or the grandchild, but i'm taking that one day at a time and putting acceptance to work there.  nothing else to do, really. 

later in this week i'll have another route that i'll be learning, as Da Boss will be leaving due to the GM situation here.  i'm losing another friend to distance.  always sucks.

but i'm blessed with life today, and there are no vacuums in God's world.  i thank Him for whatever i have today, and whatever misses me that i will likely never know about. 

Sunday Catch-Up

It's monday morning.  again, the issue of not being disciplined.  but '...we claim spiritual progress, not spiritual perfection."  That's from the Big Book.  so, we're doing this on monday morning, and that's cool enough, because we can't go back to sunday night.

yesterday, it was a good day.  peaceful.  things that i hoped would happen didn't, and some things happened that were nice enough surprises.  but the constants got in, and that's important.  you build the foundation, you prepare the canvas, and God paints your day, builds your sleeping quarters for the night.  i prayed, i took meds, read scripture and my recovery daily books.  leftover chicken and biscuits from BE for breakfast.  i did work on some music, wrote a couple poems in my new book, thought on a way to move my detective fiction forward.  i spent way too much time thinking on the events to come today, and that is foolish and human, because i can't predict future events and i have no way to make things happen in any particular way.  the improvement in that, over the years, is that worry doesn't often stop me from moving through the day anymore. 

i had some fish for brunch, got myself showered and shaved and dressed and eventually made it to the meeting.  it wasn't bad.  i have to continuously remind myself to work on my patience with people, because intolerance toward anyone means i am harboring intolerance.  after the meeting i went to the store to get stuff to make dinner.  S.H, a sponsee, had brought me the stuff i asked her for to make the soup she wanted.  on my way home i called Rachel, but i didn't get an answer.  i called Lonnie who was on his way to my house, as he had made soup and was bringing me some food.  i got to talk to him for a moment, and then i came in and got to work on the soup.  i finished it up, ate as i worked on the prep part of it, got things done, cleaned my kitchen, decided i was still hungry so prepped some proteins for myself and started shutting it down.  watched some anime, turned on some sleep vibes after a point and crashed out.

i've done the foundation things this morning, including cleaning yesterday's remnant dishes and putting my clothes away from the weekend wash.  i'm ready for the day and have put all of it, including any repercussions from last week, in Jehovah's hands.  i am grateful to Him for all the blessings i've enjoyed thus far and can ask no more than a start to this day, which i have. 

Drama In The Way

I'm finding that's more the issue that i'm going through than anything else, to be honest.  it's been five days since i've written here.  five days, when my last post was about lack of discipline in journaling, in my 10th step archiving, and the need to get my shit together.  it's an oft-revisited theme, especially when i'm not doing those things.  and why?

because at work things are crazy?  that's not unusual.  because i'm depressed?  no more so than any other time, and actually less than has been the case recently.  because i don't have time?  that's bullshit.  this weekend i wrote some poetry, will have worked on my new book, wrote two songs, got laundry done, saw my parents and Rachel and will have gotten to a meeting today.  so, what the fuck is wrong with me?

my eating is not horrible, but it's not disciplined.  the weight i need to lose is not being lost.  that's on me.  i am not lazy, but i'm BEING lazy, staying unfocused.  and that's not going to cut it this time. 

it's sunday now.  i'm about to get clothes from the dryer, get them put away.  i'm going to take a shower and get into some clean clothes, get to the meeting.  got a bassline to work on for a song, got to get my mind centered for if God blesses me to awaken tomorrow to go to work.  i don't have to keep living in this quasi-wakened state any longer than i choose to, and i know that.  yes, i'm slightly angry with myself, but i'm also finding some humor in the way i've just let things slip away.  but right now, i'm out of the bed, i've prayed, meditated, done some music, taken my pills, and i feel pretty good.  i could go for another cup of coffee, but i'll live for the moment.  and who knows what later will bring, but i commit now to writing another entry in this Journey, and i'm not going to break that commitment, if i can in any way help that.

thank you, Jehovah, for discernment, and please help me act on what you have shown me. 

Day 1

  

well.  it's a new year now. and i have promises to keep.  to begin, hello.  it's Tuesday evening, the first day ending in 2019.  means nothing, really.  i don't do resolutions.  i was taught in my first three or four years that our significance, as recovering alcoholics/addicts, is on living in the DAY, not the year, so i take this as just the prelude to the return to work.  i'm cool with it.

regardless, my intention is the restoration of consistency.  as in, i need to finish each day with an entry of some kind.  i need to get my ass moving toward a better day tomorrow by doing different things today, and being able to read them on a streaming basis, as it were, for continuity and accuracy.  i need to be obedient, in short form.  and i'm going to do my utmost to do so. 

today i stayed home.  i ate, i worked on some music, i talked to some people and i chilled. watched anime.  thought about the notion of returning to work, returning to the routine.  thought about what it will mean that i've not done my part to merge my route with someone else's as i said i would.  we'll have to see.  

i have deleted my last FB account.  there is a withdrawal that comes from removing yourself from social media, and it's some strange shit.  it's like quitting smoking, in a way.  like, when you quit smoking, you're not just giving up the cigarettes, you're giving up the cigarette in the dozens of places that you've conditioned yourself to smoke the cigarette.  FB is in my phone, on my laptop, desktop.  FB is the thing that i scroll mindlessly through first thing in the morning, and whenever i'm bored.  i wasn't even really logging anymore, definitely wasn't accruing friends or liking a bunch of new shit.  just wasting time.  figure it's time to do something with that wasted time.  like save my life.  like exercise.  like create shit.  whatever, time to DO.  and so it begins.

i don't know what the new format will be on this leg of the Journey.  i only know i'm grateful to Jehovah for where i am and where i've been, and i want to continue to remember to stay grateful.  and that's enough for now.