Six Days...

well, it has been a minute again.  this time it has been simply being wrapped up in the shit that my life has contained lately.  scrambling to get myself back in gear, trying to juggle twelve, thirteen balls at the same time, and balancing on a unicycle as part of the deal.  makes it exciting i guess.  but i don't juggle that well...

so this last week.  i've had my mind blown by some truly stupid experiences at work, some head-on confrontations with management, some policy that seems facilitated to make the job harder than it has to be, deliberately so.  i've been inundated by the hot days and the cold nights.  i've run around Mahoning county several times, working out a route that will, at least in part, start tomorrow, and i still don't have all the information that i need for that.  the route grows exponentially, and again, i don't even know how many clients are actually riding tomorrow.  fun fun fun. 

i blew off Saturday, yesterday, because i was hurting.  from Wednesday to Friday i'd felt a pain in my lower left leg, like running down the back of my thigh, that grew in intensity and then began to spread.  by Friday night, i kinda felt it was a UTI, as it takes a minute for enough symptoms to manifest to identify it as such.  but i waited, took a Gabapentin to sleep mostly, to deal with the pain that had began radiating into my back also. figured if it don't get no better, i'm off to the ER, get some antibiotics and get this shit under control before i drive monday.  well...best laid plans.  the doctor at the Austintown ER didn't know what Brachytherapy was, but i guess he understood the 'prostate cancer treatment' breakdown i gave him.  he came in and guessed, from my chart, that i was there for drugs, and i know that's what it was.  because despite what i said, what i told them, doctor nurses, despite me coming in and letting them know what i thought it was and therefore asking for something to clear up a bacterial infection (ie, antibiotic) he summed up that my 'chronic back pain' was the reason i was there, and was genuinely ignorant of what Brachytherapy was initially.  i had to tell them i was radioactive.  had to tell him that i wasn't expressing urine completely.  he asked if i still wanted him to prescribe me an antibiotic.  it was all i could do not to be sarcastic.  so today, the back pain is lessened.  i've taken the antibiotic and the steroid i keep here, and it is helping with the back. down the leg, not so much.  but we'll see what happens today as it's only day two.

today i am about to go wash clothes.  i'm going to visit my parents, i'm going to my meeting.  i'm going to make two calls to two clients to give them rough estimates of their pick up times when i get them in the AM, and their PM drop off times.  i'm going to make a good dinner for myself and get this train rolling.  that's the plan.  but i'm going to start with some readings and some medicating.  i had to start with writing, because i left things in a depressed state on 'paper', and that requires an update.

to which i'll say, things have altered somewhat.  won't say they're 'better', but they've altered.  i've faced some of the situations that are now outside of my control, said my piece and kept it moving.  i've talked to people, i've gone to the bottom of my despair and my loneliness, i've gotten angry over people who aren't going to change, and i've understood, once again, that I am not the center of the universe.  i know that as much as i would love to have people in and out, conversation and creativity and some love and proximity, having what i need, doing what i do, writing the stories and walking for health and getting my foundation re-firmed from this soft and mushy condition its ended up in...those are the important things.  i can't help anybody for real until I can help myself.  and i can't help me until i again put my faith in Jehovah before my fear of being in this world.  that's the fact, jack. 

so, i have a plan, i'm going to start on it, and i'm going to move forward.  i am blessed and i am okay right now.  gonna take my meds, have some breakfast, do my clothes and get the day done.  and i'm going to thank God, right now, because i did have Joshua by to have lunch and put down poison yesterday.  i did have De'ja checking up on me.  i can walk, didn't need my cane.  i can think, i can feel and i can move.  and Father, I thank You for that, because that is through no wisdom or brilliance on my part. 

okay, time to make em move...

Working in Darkness

there are series of truths that I have to live, at the same time.  and in those truths, there is the me that i was, the me i am right now, and the Me that I hope to become in the near future.  there is also the ME that i know nothing about, the one that God is creating daily.  but they are all born in darkness, as are most thing. even light is born into darkness before it dispels the dark. 

right now, i'm ready for work.  i've showered yesterday, but i'm not shaving, maybe not for a minute.  i'm dressed, i've read my scriptures and my meditations online.  i'm contemplating breakfast, because i'm walking this morning.  i've got trash ready to go out.  i've said my good mornings to people.  that's the extent of what i've got before work. 

i've had a horrible weekend.  that seems to be the order now.  days of events that grate against my nerves, nights of sighing and weekends of isolation.  i am on the borderlands between depression and despair, and i can say honestly i don't remember being here in well over a decade.  not since my early recovery perhaps, or even the end of my active addiction.  and I don't know why, exactly.

i did laundry this weekend.  i had planned to clean my house and put down poison, but then i saw the repetition in it, the Grecian tragedy, like Sissyphus pushing his rock up the hill every day.  and i just finished my laundry, came home and felt like crying.  i put clothes away and fought a group of hornets that had made their neighborhood my office, same as the mouse did in my printer.  and i wondered, why am i doing this?  why am I having this fight, why am i doing these useless things?  last week i came back to work to a cluster fuck designed just for me, today i'll be going to work into a semblance of the same, Thursday i had my father acting willful and petulant, throwing a tantrum because i wouldn't arrange to bring his car home that night he went out to drive knowing he can't see.  i slept poorly, watched some anime, and wondered why i can't seem to find the courage to just check out.  funny, you have to find the courage to both live and die. 

i thought.  i thought a lot.  and i decided that i have to back all the way down to a few minutes of life at a time.  i have nothing more that i can throw into this coin machine of the soul.  couple pennies worth of life at a time.  i paid the last of my gas bill.  i will pay my bill that came with getting the AC.  I went to the bank to challenge a charge on my account and ended up having to shut down the account and start a new one, which means a lot of stuff is going to be up in the air next month.  i'll have to make the calls over the next week to get shit straightened out. 

it is funny, you know. if you're afraid to take your own life, can that really be called 'the courage to live'? 

i'm not confessing to suicide here.  i'm telling myself to look honestly at how i'm feeling.  i have spoken to no one but my mother this weekend, aside from the meeting sunday and visiting Sherese in the hospital.  phone rang once, sunday night, and i missed the call and called back to no answer.  that's my social life.  tired of it.  tired of the loneliness, tired of the presence of people who are more like either ghosts or the mice plaguing this house.  i'm tired of feeling like there's something so terribly wrong with me, something broken in my mind that can't seem to figure out what it is.  and to be clear, i'm not saying i have no friends; i'm saying i have no one who is active in my life, no one who is bringing any happiness to my door.  and the placebo i took is gone.  i addressed it in an email this weekend, because i hate living in the shadow of question marks as well.  rather take the hook out and just let the period roll away, so to speak.

so, i'm about to get going.  trash to go out, a walk to take, notes to go over, gas for the bus and strangers to introduce myself to.  i'm going to work on being more grateful, because the lack of gratitude is dangerous business for me.  so what specifically am i grateful for today?

Jehovah, I am grateful because my father drove over here to apologize for his behavior yesterday.  i'm grateful that Sherese's surgery went well.  I'm grateful Marc gave me a microwave since the turntable on mine has been out since January.  I'm thankful for having gotten rest yesterday, and i'm thankful for allowing me to catch the one charge on my account and get things straighened out with the account, things which needed to be done years ago anyway. 

i'm grateful that i have another day of sobriety, if i choose to have it. 

madness and exhaustion...

sometimes shit is deliberately complicated.  you can usually tell, i think.  you can tell because the sense of a thing is right on the tip of your tongue, right within a stone's throw from where your mind has gotten to, and yet suddenly there's twenty thousand little details that completely obsure the thing you were certain of.  if you look at the source of those little details, you can find the obstructionist, and then you'll know why shit has become suddenly complicated.

that's my experience, anyway.  it's why i feel i was blessed with the notion not to wait for anyone to verify something that i KNOW for a fact.  because if you put your well-being into another human's hands and trust that they may put themselves in a bad light for your peace of mind, you've started out as a fool and may be progressing swiftly into victim status.  and i know how cynical that sounds, but i'll stand by it.

i've abandoned most of my extracurriculars at work. i make no coffee any longer.  i think about it.  but i don't.  because they were very ignorant and unappreciative of it.  i am waiting for the Youngstown route to start, i volunteered for it right off the bat.  i figure i'd rather be close to home.  i'd rather be in my own territory, in something new for them and me, so the playing field will be as level as it can be.  i am tired, and that's a constant i know, but it's deeper since the procedure.  i feel okay, i mean, but i have no energy reserves to pull from.  it's a plus/minus kind of thing. because while i am more deeply weary, the level doesn't vary.  i'm weary at this moment of typing to the same degree as i was on my walk at 5 in the am. 

i have to pay 36 dollars remaining on my car note.  i have to get another 40 dollars to my dad, and another 100 from my next check.  i turned down the money from my boss.  i don't want to be in anyone's pocket if i don't have to.  i want to get the next bit taken out of my check as well, then i'm back to ground zero. 

i'm mostly alone again.  that sucks, but only somewhat.  i guess the part that really sucks is that it doesn't hurt as bad as it used to.  when you start getting acclimated to being in discomfort, you know there is something that is being obscured.  but i don't know exactly what yet. 

i know that i am going to keep moving forward, best as i can.  i know i'm going to finish out this work week strong, stay focused and try to make the most of the weekend.  there's nothing else to do.  and next week, i'll try to stay on point and just move into the autumn months with some knowledge, some serenity and some foundation to survive the depression storm.

i have eaten dinner, had some cookies and ice cream for dessert, and i'm ready to shut it down as soon as i see what the unameable one wants to do with this new route routing this evening.

thank you, Father.  perspecive is not always wanted, but it is always welcome. 

Upon Returning to Work...

it is funny and it is sad, and a thing can be both things at the same time. 

i feel a lot better, as far as the throat and the surface shit.  i still feel the presence of something foreign in my body, the darts they inserted, i'd imagine. and i am not 100% by any stretch.  fatigue, weariness comes upon me. i am pushing myself to get the day done.  but that's not the most unusual thing; i could say my life before the procedure seems to have been a preparation for my life after.

but to return to work...they will always find a way to stress the very foundation of one's being.

i had a good morning yesterday.  showered and shaved, ate and read and took my meds.  prayed, of course.  got to work early enough, took a good walk, shorter than before but that's to be expected.  i already knew, from a slight heads-up, that things were going to be fucked up, but i had no idea just how fucked up they'd be. 

they changed my route, while i was out, while i was convalescing.  they merged it with someone else's and i only got that slight head's-up the night before, Sunday night, as i lay in bed trying to get to sleep for the day. 

it was a long, drawn out, incompetently done day, in which i did not seem as if i was even a driver, but some bumbling idiot trying to figure out how to do what i am paid to do.  it was upsetting and stressful, to myself and, i'm sure, to my clients as well.  i would love to speak on the unusualness of this kind of thing, but truth be told, it's par for the course these days. 

i got through the day.  today will be better.  some people aren't on the route any longer.  others i now have a better idea of where they are and how to get to them.  i will get to work early enough to detail what i'm doing and where i'm going today, early enough to get my clients and be on time and maybe a bit early if possible.

but i will not forget this. 

and i will get active again in my search for somewhere else to be.

that's the only way to deal with this ongoing nonsense.  and it really didn't have to be this way.

but...

thank you, Jehovah.  i am grateful to have employment to return to, and i am grateful for the strength i have to do even the reduced amount i am capable of. 

The Things we Go Through...

it's sunday morning.  I spent the night at my parent's house, because my dad has been in medical care since friday night.  i say in medical care because apparently his journey followed the normal circuitous route, to the Urgent Care in Austintown, to the downtown campus (i love how they actually make that kind of bullshit distinction, downtown campus as opposed to North Side location) of St. Elizabeth hospital because, when you approach 80, have stents in your heart and complain of chest pains, they don't just let you go, and after years of this same dance, my dad knows this.  and since somehow, for some reason, they x-ray'd his throat yesterday, he's still there on sunday morning.  so i came by yesterday evening to make sure someone was here with my mom in case she had some sort of accident. 

emotionally, this is the hardest stuff that i do anymore.  in a way, that might be good, as it puts the rest of life's bullshit into a smaller context that is easier to manage.  but i just watched a movie on Amazon Prime video, i believe it was, called 'My Name Was Bette', about a woman who drank herself to death, a documentary done by her filmmaker daughter as a means of catharsis, i guess, a way to have some closure and reconciliation with the devastation of her mother's demise.  it is insightful and it is painful, but informative to be sure, and i am glad i watched it, because one of the stressors they spoke of as a pivot in her drinking was the care and loss of her elderly relatives.  and it made many things make sense to me. 

so i am here.  i feel like a visitor, which is good.  i don't want to feel comfortable to a great degree, because in my father's home that doesn't last long.  i have to get milk for home, have to figure on what i want for dinner and get that too.  i'll likely get some stuff to pack a lunch tomorrow and tuesday as well.  we'll see.

i made my mother breakfast - blueberry pancakes from scratch (i'm pretty good), with some eggs and some sausage rounds.  made her coffee.  said my prayer, did my bible reading and my meditation books.  i go to the websites for them at home now, i guess i prepare for having to do it away from home. 

i still have the thing hanging in my throat, but it's not hurting as bad.  i want to take a good shit, but that will happen, i suppose, in its own time.  i'm going to start walking again tomorrow, short walk to start.  get through one work day.  one at a time, that's all i can do anyway.  we'll see what happens from there. 

it's kind of funny.  wednesday, i got the treatment done, and the unnamed friend came by to see me.  on thursday, Rachel brought me a plate of food and checked on me.  on friday i went to counseling and Sherese came and checked on me.  by yesterday, no one was coming, though i didn't need anyone.  but i also wasn't hearing from anyone.  and it's not a feeling of neglect, though i am sure it sounds like i'm bitching.  it was just the reality that life does really go on.  when you have stuff done, when you're just living your life, it goes on and normalcy is the state of rising to your own place in your own universe, i guess.  not many people in my non-program life know, so i didn't really expect a bunch of people.  i am glad i got one card, though. 

i'm still tired.  sleeping sitting up on my parent's couch ain't the best sleep, but at least i slept.  i'm going to get home in a couple hours, once my mother starts her lesson over the JW phone line, which is how she attends service.  i'll go to the store then, get my stuff and get home.  and we'll see what the day brings, should i awaken to it tomorrow. 

i am grateful to be here, Jehovah, and i thank You, Father, for allowing me to look after my mom. 

my isohyet

i want to get this down now.  i'll be out into my day shortly.  it's going to be a trying day, but i'm going to move on the basis of a faith that has proven it works.  i have to.  despite having it challenged, despite wanting to give in to negativity, i am going to move in the good way and try to keep myself from falling into that trap.

so, where to begin? 

it's friday the 13th.  means nothing to me by way of superstition.

it's two days after september the 11th.  means nothing to me by way of patriotic remembrances, but it will mean something as far as my personal history from now on. 

two days ago, i went to the Cleveland Clinic facility in Mayfield Heights, Ohio to have surgical treatment on my prostate for cancer.  this has been two years coming.  two years since finding out that i had this thing, two years of trying to get to where it could be treated and finally being given an option that worked well  for me.  two years. 

they prepped me and put me to sleep.  they intubated me to keep me gassed, and they scraped something loose in my throat.  i don't think that's unusual. might be my tonsils, for all i know; i still have them at 51.  they then used needles to jam a number of radioactive darts into my prostate to kill the cancer cells and shrink the prostate.  it means that it's killing healthy cells as well, but that's what medicine is in the 21st century.  we will harm you in other ways to possibly heal you in one.  if you think not, listen to the disclaimers every time there's a commercial on for a new medicine.  but that's just american life.  the procedure is done.  i woke silly, came out well from the anesthesia and am home, have been since Thursday afternoon.  no bleeding, urination is constant and not overbearing at this time, feces is happening, though it's not loose stools, just hard and pebbly.  but that's okay, long as it's working.  against recommendations, found that the equipment still works, though it was a self-test situation.  won't for a while again, that's for sure. 

i don't know exactly how i feel. i've not told my parents yet.  i don't know if i will.  if i do, it will be when i know things have significantly changed one way or another.  not just as news to be disseminated randomly. no reason for that.  my mother had her epidural done yesterday.  hoping her pain eases up some.  i'm sure that means she'll have to continue to get shots in her back to ease her pain.  i don't want to add to the pain in her back.  just how it is.

connected to this is bullshit from work.  bullshit because of the execution of their agenda.  i've been told that i have 3 speeding tickets.  none of the information sound valid, by which i mean factually the operations manager has given me provably inaccurate information, yet insists that this is something that is attached to me as a driver.  the fines for these camera tickets total $400 dollars.  there has been talk of a suspension as well.  what i believe is happening is one of the drivers for their daycare program, what i call the thing where they have people not go to the workshop to double charge them for other activities, got tickets and since there's more money in that than in driving to the workshops, that person needs to not be inconvenienced.  but i say that because it's what i believe.  that doesn't make it right.  point being, i don't think they are mine.  but they could be; it's not outside of the realm of possibility, and that's all i'm writing here.  so i asked if the ops manager could ask them to not take the entire amount out of this next check, as i have things that i have to do and i'm losing more time being off work now.  she said she would front me the money if they did.  it's now about 730 as i write this line and nothing is deposited into my bank account.  so i have to assume they snatched my entire check.  and i don't understand that, because even short the holiday and the one doctor day last week, my check should be more than $400.  so i'm trying  to keep my head together, move forward on the shit i said i have to get done. 

thing is, it's part of the composite.  the disability questioning.  this job and the bullshit that is now growing.  the thing with my friend which has taken another strange turn.  the surgery.  the lost time.  bills that have to be paid.  i have a host of things that have been churning for quite a few months now. 

BUT.

my mom did get her treatment.  it might help.

i did get my treatment.  that's not the forefront of worry at this moment.

i have the money to make my car payment, though other payments might suffer.  but most of them have been tended to already.

i am alive, sober and thankful.  i have my life, and a period of rest.  i learned my friend Na'eem just lost his wife last Friday.  how grateful should i be? 

point being, i am trying to keep my hand in Jehovah's hand, and walk through this with him.  he makes a way from no way, and if i am seeking the spiritual enrichment, i'm not going to worry so much about the material; it's already taken care of.

so, i've got counseling today.  i'm going to get dressed, as i've showered and shaved, as i've medicated, meditated and processed some things with this writing.

i'm going to get a few clothes washed, get some stuff to make my dinner and get ready to move into the next chapter of my life. 

one way or another, change is going to come.

thank you, Father, for your love; having that takes care of everything else.

...Change Gonna Come...

for some people, life is about control.  it seems what they need is to keep their hands on every aspect of their lives, keep a finger on all the buttons and in all the pies that come into their perimeter. and when they can't, it's almost an instant crisis, an instant tumult.  i honestly wonder if that is me, if that ever was me, and what it would take to get me to that level of dysfunction. and i do think it to be a dysfunctional state of being.  because, unless you are on almost limitless resources or have carte blanche with the lives that are in your sphere of influence, it is an impossible achievement and has to be a totally frustrating endeavor.  but i know people who live that way, and they are crazy, practically to a person. 

so, it's been a boring, lonely weekend.  i more or less expected such.  things from last weekend linger, and they linger without explanation that resolves anything.  i'm mostly okay with that, but it is not unknown that i hate when things are left without a reason for happening.  it is usually a madness i can't live with, but now, i know everything is not necessary for me to know.  sometimes, i just have to deal with the truth as the truth is, and let things be what they are.  and i'm going to be okay with that.  but it is a thing that is hurting a friend, and though they repeat 'full disclosure' over and over like a mantra, they don't exactly practice the tenants of that sermon.  but i can do nothing about that either.

i have made soup for a friend who made me a peppermint oil solution to deter the mice in my house.  i have cleaned and sprayed, and i have to get groceries so that wednesday through sunday i am okay.  i could count on people other than Lonnie coming to check up on me, but i won't, because that would be stupid.  instead, i'll just dig into my own life, try to do the things that will insure i have supplies at least, and prepare for a rest and a writing session.

not much else i can do there.

my house smells of peppermint,strong peppermint, but something still moves through my walls.  i would imagine it takes some time, and it may need a heavier spraying.  i'm okay with that.  i have to check some financial things, and i'll know more about that tomorrow, and then perhaps i can re-schedule the exterminator to come check this house out.  but we'll have to see. 

why am i writing?  what is this about?  i am emotional and trying to get a grip on it.  i am without company, and i miss my friend. but that's part of the new deal.  you find people are struggling with their own shadows and monsters and demons, and maybe even wrestling with an angel or two in their own existences.  and you can't do anything about any of it, because it either makes them stronger or it secures their blessings, or it kills them because they weren't strong enough to do life.  and that could be any of us. could be me.  could be.

i am grateful for this day.  i made my parents dinner, i washed clothes, i did my meeting.  i am ready to shut it down, but it's a bit too early so i'm going to get back to my life.  thank you, Jehovah, for allowing me time. 

seven days from now...

a dancing grandson is a good place to distract myself.  and i miss him, and so this helps me to get a little dose of him, anyway.

but i'm writing as i prepare my dinner, because it's time to write, and it's time to eat, and it's time to get ready for tomorrow.  it's time to get my shit together, in other words.  and i am ready to fire this bitch up again.

a point comes (it always does, believe it or not) that the insanity and the lethargy sort of give way to some kind of action.  well, the lethargy does.  when it's real, the insanity gets channeled into the productive actions that put me back on a good path. at least, that's how it's worked up to this point, and i feel it about to work again. 

today was sort of a null day.  i didn't really get into work heavily, though i didn't cheat the clients.  i just put everything on automatic pilot and floated through the day.  i saw the people that i wanted to see, minus one friend/coworker who i think is no longer with the company.  i did my meeting, talked to my mom, tried to catch up to Rachel about some cabbages she has but, of course, she wasn't answering her phone (it's every other day, seems).  got everyone to work and home safely.  hell, even got my primary bills paid last night and my credit card bill paid on.  not too shabby.

now, that doesn't mean the crazy is gone, mind you.  i feel the gibbering fool of my primitive brain still trying to find a convenient escape from everything.  i feel it, i hear it.  but i haven't given in to it yet.  i've talked as close to it as i can, i've prayed, i've walked through the next right things to the best of my ability.  and tomorrow, i walk.  PERIOD.

spiritual warfare happens all the time.  it is the nature of a world when you are supposed to be constantly developing on your spirituality.  you are going to go through things, and you are going to struggle when things that make absolutely no sense at all keep recurring.  what can you do?  when the shadows move and the walls speak and the wind has something to say.  when you look for portents and find them.  or when you are just trying to keep on a good path and you feel the brittleness gathering beneath your feet, and that is when you realize every day in that particular walk, you're on ice of varying thickness.

so the shit between Friday and Saturday just blew a portion of the ice right out from under me, and i was up to my nose in freezing water.  and I don't swim, as Sir Nose would tell you.  so i thrashed about.  but i grabbed onto whatever i could get my hands on that was solid...my counselor, Keith, Lonnie, this Journey, i just dug in and held on, and i am not all right, but i am all here, and that's right for now. 

i am going to walk in the morning.  probably no more than a mile, if that.  but it's been over a week since my last walk, and it's time to get my ass back in motion again.  i felt good when i was doing it regularly. and i used shoes losing their soles as the excuse to stop.  but again...two pairs of shoes that were fine and then suddenly they are shoddily made and falling apart?  but if you fall for a spiritual trick, don't be mad at the enemy...check yourself, laugh about it, and get back to work. 

got to clean my kitchen.  that's the other thing.  a friend (yes, a genuine friend in the wake of the shit from work) listened as i talked about the madness the mouse presence is driving me to, and she made me a solution of peppermint oil to start spraying with.  i looked it up and found that and other things i have to do.  some of it is going to be a bit daunting and i'm going to need some help...like cleaning out the upstairs closets, where i'm sure the mice have been chillin like villains for the whole time i've been here.  cleaning them out, bagging shit up and throwing it in the trash.  closing up holes, spraying and re-spraying.  time to start either getting shit right here or getting rid of HERE and moving into something that is comfortable for me.  but either way, i'm not going to snub God.  in fact, i know this is the result of my prayers, having choices of directions, none of them particularly bad.  and the rest is tomorrow, and tomorrow will take care of itself if i deal well with today.

thank you, Jehovah God, for life and love.

seven days from now, i get this procedure done.  prayers would be nice. 

the falling apart, the slow coming back together...

...I am a man of my word.  it means something to me today.  i can tell you honestly, that is the result of a lot of work.  a lot of changing, a lot of looking at myself closely, seeing how fucked up i've been and trying hard to make the amends to the people i've hurt and to myself, as well as to my Creator, by changing and allowing character to develop in me.  i am a man of my word, and i've always been happy about that.  i guess you have to know the pain of doing without to know the joy of having. 

but sometimes, that can be a liability.  it can.  because i have to sit in the madness that has enfolded me, pretend that i'm okay, stay out of my head to the extent that is possible (which is very slight) and try not to hurt anyone, and hope that i can stay faithful and move toward a solution before the bottom falls out of my mind.  and i can't talk about most of it, because i gave my word that I would not divulge anything about the situation that triggered it all off this weekend. 

i will talk about what i can, because i need this recorded.  i don't have a choice.  but i will not break my word. 

so, let's just sum it up like this.  the Big Book, in the 'How It Works' chapter, tells us that most of our problems are of our own making, that we have taken actions that later put ourselves in a position to be hurt. and i can attest to that.  i made decisions that brought potential trouble to my door.  and i knew the possibility was there.  but i was acting out of my emptiness, which is a nice way of saying i was being selfish.  i took something offered to me that perhaps i should not have, on the basis that it was not free for them to give.  which means it cost them quite a bit as well.  and the trouble came to my door.  and i was prepared to deal with the trouble, because one thing that gets to the wolf at the center of me is feeling threatened in my own space.  right or wrong, it is a feeling that i cannot easily bear.  and i didn't sleep much that Friday night, because i was awake, waiting for the trouble to present itself.  on reflection, dealing with it as i would have would likely have simply set off a shitstorm of further trouble.  but, regardless, it happened, and the next day i was a bundle of jangling wires, each still attached to a power source and sparking. 

so, of course there's fuel all around me.  there is/was something scurrying around in my ceiling and walls.  i had gotten the critters out of the kitchen, but they did not decide to abandon the house.  and to drive that point home, i tried to print a W2 to send to SS for this audit they're doing on my disability, to have my printer keep reading 'error', because A FUCKING MOUSE (or mice) MOVED INTO THE MOTHERFUCKER.  poked its head clean out as i tried to figure out what the error was.  i kicked the shit out of my printer, because, like the stove, it was now a dead and barely touchable thing.  unlike the stove, however, there will be no replacing the printer until i get rid of this problem.  because, why just give them a new house? 

so.  i've got the procedure coming up on the 11th, for which i have to go have the pre-anesthetic meeting tomorrow.  i've got the possibility of having my income slashed, losing ground that i've fought to gain and have barely made any progress at all, though i have made some.  i have something in the walls, something in my printer and a situation that may have called for bloodshed.  and i may have lost a friend in the process. 

yes, i went nuts.  i was ready.  got a bag full of exit, but it was just on the edge of my mind.  i wanted to talk to my sponsor, and for the first time i found the pain in my heart refreshed that he is dead now, and i can't give him any problems, and i have nothing new to deal with this collection of shit.  i went to my parent's house, just hung out.  made my mom coffee and sat and sat back and tried not to cry.  called a friend in Columbus and talked about what i could, but could not go into full detail, because my word is good.  called Lonnie, texted my counselor.  now i am writing about it, because i am trying to put it back together again.  put what back together?

i know some things.  i know a few things about a few things, but i don't know shit.  Jehovah, my Father, knows everything that I need to know.  see, we have a thing from a long time ago in the Program; 'when you don't know what to do, do what you know is right', and 'do the next right thing'.  those two have always gone together for me.  the next right thing is the thing you know is right, so if you have no answer to the problem at hand, just do a thing that you know you're supposed to do.  yesterday i went to my parent's house, i made my mom a pot of coffee that brewed today, i bought her some biscotti while i was at Big Lots buying myself coffee and some supplies.  i went to my meeting, i cooked for the potluck and i chaired the meeting.  i just finished shaving and eating, and i'm about to take my shower.  i have my alarm set so i can get to this pre-anesthesia meeting and i have an interview in the afternoon. i'd wanted to do some cleaning, but i mostly laid in bed today.  i'm okay with that.  i may take the dirty clothes i have and wash while i'm out tomorrow.  don't know for sure.  but i know this:  i own what i've done.  i won't be unsafe in my space, because it only gets worse as you get older and you damn will better be ready to defend your atmosphere.  'mind your want because someone wants your mind'.  P-Funk philosophy, true though. 

i just want to get through the next day, if i am blessed to awaken to see it.  and it will be a blessing if that happens.  so many are losing so much these days.  mass shootings, diseases on the rise that were arrested decades ago, hate and fear and racism and just the worse mindset that humanity can engineer, and it's all according to biblical prophecies and common sense observation. 

i don't know who reads this, for real.  i know of one individual who does, and i have posted this link of Facebook, because as a 10th step, it has to be accessible to those who would be the witnesses of my confession; never know who God has in place to hear me.  but i know i am grateful for this day, and i thank God for the ability to move to the next step and the next.  do the next right thing.