Motivation...

consider for a moment this premise.  you are a human being.  if you're reading this, it's likely the truth.  as a human being of a particular age, most of your likes and dislikes are well-formatted, and have been for quite some time now.  so, you do the things that you do because you are in the habit of doing them, or because you enjoy them. and that's regardless of what anyone else thinks or says about them.  stop me if i'm wrong so far...
okay, good...
so, here comes a situation.  maybe you're just bored, maybe you're depressed, maybe you're lonely, maybe you're contemplating a homicide or the overthrow of the world as we know it.  maybe you just need a hug, or an orgasm, or a really good piece of cheesecake.  whatever the case may be, you've been grooving one way for some time, and you're in a bit of a rut.  so, you try to change...and find it's pretty damned difficult to do.  yeah, you may affect some small things, some nudges and pokes.  but the big OOMPH, the thing that makes reality rock and shift and suddenly you're on the road and doing the shit you NEED to do...that's rare, man. it's rare.  because after a certain point, habit is habitation.  we live in our holding patterns.  someone who gives up on their writing dream for a long enough time is not really a writer any more.  young athletes who cease their sport of focus become pedestrians again, with sad remembrances of glory days gone too soon.  we do things and when we cease doing them for a long enough period of time, we no longer identify with them. 
am i wrong here?
i am referring mostly to myself, but i feel this is pretty accurate in my observation of other humans as well.  we are routine driven automatons in so many ways, and most of them are unknown to us.  and it's so powerful, even being able to see it doesn't just negate the program's hold on you.  it just makes you more miserable, because you don't have ignorance as the salve for the wound that somehow keeps popping up on your skin.  you KNOW where the bleeding is coming from, but, God help you, you keep re-manufacturing the cut. 

and then...sometimes...someone comes along who can HEAR you, someone comes along who can SEE you, someone comes along who can DO WHAT YOU NEED DONE IN ORDER TO SURVIVE.  and that person becomes the catalyst for some change.  and that change begets more change (way leads on to way), and pretty soon, you're a whole different motherfucker.  because there was always that new motherfucker waiting to emerge from the asshole that you were, you just never had a reason to allow that emergence to manifest before.  and because of this individual who is not afraid to be real, now you do.

that may not have happened to you yet.

but more likely than not, it has.  and you're just  not aware that you've chosen to remain in your coma.  you have made a choice and you'll have to live with it.  and that's sad.  it has been for me.  and i'm hoping against hope that the past tense of the last sentence is an accurate representation of where i've been up until now

see, i have this air conditioner right now.  just got it from Walmart online.  it works, it's nice.  would be better in a smaller room, but you get what you get.  i don't use it often.  i have it for when people are by and it gets really hot.  in fact, i got it because a friend was coming by to spend time and was slow roasting.  and i won't have anyone i consider to be a friend suffering on my account, if i can help it.  so i got an AC.  and i'm okay with that.  it is change. because just stripping to shorts (or less) and chilling with the fan was working for me.  and when i only have me to concern myself with (such as now) that is the business.  but when i have guests, i want them to not find themselves suffocating in the heat of this house. 

on a related note, i haven't walked today.  i have been hurting for the better part of the last five days.  and i know i should walk through it.  but that's sometimes easier said than done.  i did a 2 mile walk on Saturday.  did a 30 minute walk yesterday.  i need this pain to be history for a minute.  so i leave it alone.  i rest, i work, i take the pills.  i feel it easing back.  i'm going to deal with it more tonight.  tomorrow i walk, i don't care what the level of pain is.  because i am responsible for taking care of me.  and i am going to do what i need to to make that happen.  but, there is more of course. 

when i stopped having responsibilities to anyone, when i knew the relationship was never going to dock here, when i realized love had forgotten my address, i stopped giving a damn.  now, i do give a damn.  my new friend has helped me find my motivation, and i am grateful, and i am determined.  i am seeing results already and i'd like to see more.  and this is what's so important in this writing...

enough of that, though.  no gushing.  this is still the JOurney.  we're still exploring the inner and outer reaches.  i am grateful to Jehovah for moving me into the place where my feet are on good ground.  and i'm done for now.

Down Day

man, i hate getting sick. 

and it's not like i don't ever get sick, not like i shouldn't be used to it by now.  sickness has never been something i could avoid, long as i can remember.  but when it sneaks up on me, catches me off guard and just fucks up a day...  i hate that shit.

i was sick yesterday. woke up stuffed up, head banging, off-center.  did the usual stuff without an issue (prayer, meditative readings, scriptures, took my meds) but leaving out the house, i was way out of sorts.  had my headphones (which i'd forgotten on monday) but forgot my work shirt, as i was in my walking gear.  walking gear sounds so pretentious; i had on a t-shirt from the day before, and a long sleeve button down for the actual work day was to accompany me. same as today for the most part.  but i left the work shirt at home, trying to remember everything.  i went to Wal-Mart to get a different shirt, some fruit for breakfast and to find an AC, and felt myself trying to return to sleep. so by the time i was done there, going to work i was falling asleep at the wheel.  i'd taken some cold medicine before i left the house (won't make that mistake today) but it's benefit is negligible. 

now, i can say i blame myself for this.  i have slow-roasted all last week, day and night.  i knew the temperature was dropping, but monday, when i walked, i was out in the drizzle.  it felt good, after a week of cooking my internal organs, so i didnt' mind much.  later in that day, the drizzle was a downpour, with me being out in it while going to stores for supplies and to get my lunch.  soaked to the skin, both times.  didn't dry off, as it was on work hours i didn't have a change of clothes either.  then, monday night, the temperature plunged and my house was freezing and wide open, with fans running, one blowing on me. so, waking up fucked up on Tuesday makes perfect sense...in hindsight. 

i did some things that needed to be done though.  i took care of the CSEA thing so Syd will have a new card to get Chris' payments on.  i did order an AC, and that should be here friday.  i talked to my mom, my child, texted with my other child in Columbus.  i rested, i slept, i ate responsibly.  Rachel went to  the store for me, brought me a cantaloupe, which i was craving for some reason, but i have to wait on it to soften.  i did what my body was demanding, in other words.

today i feel better.  not 100, but when does 100 ever come into play anymore?  it's cool, the blessing is strength without more compromise than age, and i'm good with that.  i am ready to dress for the day. i'm going to walk a bit further today, make up for yesterday.  i'm going to wear that weird fleece thing they gave me at work, see how warm it actually is, as the temp is in the high 50's right now.  thinking about some stir-fry for dinner, so i got to get the veggies on my way home.  a day that plans itself out is a good day.  hell, i even made the flyers for my meeting today yesterday, to announce that we're moving to the Fellowship hall. 

i thank my God for taking care of me, for showing me how to take care of myself, and allowing me to know that I have a right to do so. 

also, tonight starts the updating of the Dining Room, as it's time to change and time to hold myself accountable.  it's cool to have someone to nudge me forward, but if i want different I have to do different.  time to make the motherfucking donuts...metaphorically speaking, of course. 😝

CONSCIOUS of CHANGE (and other mind-states)

It's Monday again. The work day has ended; the grill is semi-lit, the coals slowly graying. Relief from the oppressive heat has come, a cool and rainy day. A good day, by all accounts. Yet, I feel only nostalgia, melancholy and emptiness. Which sucks, of course.

Some of this is age. My shoulder hurts again. I feel a twinge of gout I must work on. I'm weary, needing a nap but postponing. No point in changing course now; the day's nearly ended.

The weekend was good though the heat was terrible. My house was a good 10 degrees hotter than outside. I had company who suffered more than I did. Perhaps that's part of the feeling I'm having. I don't know when it stopped mattering, being comfortable all the time. It's an alone thing. When it's just you, certain things don't matter as much. When someone comes into that picture, you have to think about them. No one sane asks someone to come suffer with them. Only in bad B movies is that acceptable dialog. So, if I want company, at least theirs, I haveto be more accommodating. That's called 'life'.

But it can't be one-sided. That's a part of the melancholy, I guess. I'd pretty much given up on friendship, even acquaintances, because the return on my emotional investments kept dwindling. It became easier to just leave everyone where they were and stay where I was. This being as good a place to die as any.

Problem is, it's easy to bullshit oneself when it comes to being lonely. A lot of people would disagree but they'd be lying. Seal said 'it's loneliness that's the killer', and I got it soon as I heard the song. It damn sure is.

And when you balance loneliness on one side and everything else on the other, the tightrope walk is fucking incredible, but unstable. Anything that upsets it practically destroys you.

So I reach, hoping to touch something. And I pull back, afraid that I'll do some wrong thing, break something pretty and fragile. And...it's fucking tiresome.

I hate eggshells. I hate when they get in my breakfast, but I REALLY HATE walking on them. And it didn't used to be that way. You were friends; you made it work everytime you took a chance. What happened?

I'm old. The world has gone on. I am an anachronism. Who and what I am is no longer relevant in today's world. And I guess that has to be okay.

Still sucks tho.

I am grateful to my Father for a cool breeze and a respite from summer air. 

Hotter'n Hell

well, it's thursday.  how long have i been away this time?  not sure.  it's been a few days at least. i guess it's been for better than usual reasons.  to catch up briefly, i've walked every day this week so far, and have every intention of walking tomorrow morning.  and by this week, i mean weekdays; i did not walk on Sunday, and i don't know what the weekend will bring this week, as i don't even really know what tomorrow is going to bring.  but i can say this; i can get up the stairs more easily, i'm not hurting just taking steps,not as bad, and i feel like i'm accomplishing something.  walked over a mile this morning.  going to do the same walk tomorrow.  trying to stay moderate, too fucking hot to do the gung-ho shit my man-heart is trying to sell me on.  at 5 in the morning, it's hot and humid.  at 6, the same.  that's when i walk, because if i don't walk then, i'd be trying to catch up in the really bad parts of the day.  and that's just stupid.

my daughter is out of town, my grandson is with his father's mother.  i am almost done with the work week, thank goodness.  i am going to wash some clothes and some bath stuff tonight, as my bathroom is smelling stale and small.  i'm going to do a shower rinse, get some of this sweat off me. put a water bottle into the freezer for tomorrow's walk and ride. counseling tomorrow.  funny, i'm feeling pretty good.  i like it.  but it is funny.  oh, well. 

thank you, Jehovah, for the funny feeling of feeling pretty good. 

Nights and Days

sometimes it is still one of those culture shock things to realize my daughter Sydney is grown now.  i think back to when she was born, and it doesn't seem like a 20 year old memory.  but i don't really think of my grandson Timothy's birth as being over a year ago either, so what do i know? 

but looking at this picture, Syd and Deja and my grandson, takes me to all kind of places in my mind and heart.  like, my legacy and my namesake.  and to have time with them, together, at this particular point in time and space even Porsha being a part of things, it was a very powerful and humbling experience for me.  it is the fact of life beyond the boundaries you believe exist. 

i mean, i had failed these children.  i struggled in the end of my time in Columbus, just trying to keep them fed.  it was one of those 'nothing ever goes right' times in my life, where thing after thing would fall apart, and i'd hold the despair inside because i didn't want them to know how scared i was, how dark my insides were.  but the plan was there; bring it all to an end, suicide, give them to their mom and just stop failing and stop falling and stop feeling anything at all.  and i am so glad, so very, very glad that is not what God saw fit to befall me at that time.

the realization that i've lived most of my life in a depression is pretty amazing.  i only just realized that.  how much i've lost in the dark, how many people have fallen away, how many i've cut loose, how few remain.  and the change is not yet done.  to know that i don't have to stop because i am in a dim space in my head, that some good things, some good works, some positive words, some good lyrics just might emerge as long as i keep it moving.  like when we were kids and we were learning to play football, and you were taught, when you had the ball, it don't matter if five people are trying to tackle you, keep your legs moving, you might get another two yards, you might just break the pile up and get a good gain, but keep your legs moving.  it's the mentality that i know, the one i grew up with.  i don't know if my brother Jerry remembers those times, if it was even the same for him, being that he was a smaller built guy and much faster than i was.  but he sure as hell don't quit, and he inspires me to keep it moving too.

it is going on getting up time.  i've been up since about 230 though.  not a bad thing.  i've slept, caught up with my sleep.  i've had a good day yesterday, had a decent evening, ate well, walked, saw my grandson and my daughter, talked to my mother, found out Rachel will be helping them with the cleaning.  all good things.  i am about to pray and get up and get it started, having turned off my alarms for now.  short runs today.  no first pickup, no first drop off in the afternoon, no extra run on Tuesday.  lunch with Joshua.  in fact, i'm about to do something that will make me feel even better (not than prayer, but than other physical things today), and that's the best way to start a new day after a good night.  so, thank you Father, for your protection and love, for your empowerment and your discernment available to me. 

Respite

nothing worthwhile is easy, but easy and simple are two different things.  you make decisions, you try to make them based on what seems best for you, and you own the results, be they consequences or rewards, because they are lessons both.  that's life.  that's what life is, what it does.  this weekend i rested.  i went through so many changes in my head it's ridiculous, and yet i feel good.  things are changing.  the season of darkness may be evolving into a season of calm, i don't know for sure.  but i know that i want to find out.

i am always surprised to find out how my emotional capacity deepens.  i thought i had reached my level long ago.  to be a person who could hold the line, do the things that had to be done, not buy into the bullshit, that was good enough for a long time.  now?  now i want to be better.  i want to ride the coaster off into the growing dark, not just slough this off like some slowly moving mass of ooze.  my world, the one i enjoyed, the one where i was at the top of my game, is gone.  that city, those poets, that art, that coffee shop, those performances, that name, that reputation...those are all gone.  like Miss Fatima and her Harley.  a memory of a face and a body, a recollection that i have a picture to go back to so i know i'm not forgetting her completely...but a sadness that is distant.  Johnnie's dying, Rob's dying, fresher, still hurting and smarting, but also becoming memory.  people i know become people i knew.  one day i'll be someone people knew.  nothing to do about it except enjoy the KNOWING time.  saw my daughter.  hung with a friend.  had counseling.  job to do coming up.  been walking for exercise more.  trying to get better, ready to do better. blessed. 

it's almost one thirty.  i've been sleeping most of the day this past Sunday, but it's Monday now.  going to ride the last of my down time off, get my ass to work, should that be my Father's will.

thank you, Jehovah.  for everything.

Changes...

this was likely the last soup i will ever make for someone at my current workplace.  i made this soup on the sixteenth of June. 

i was just searching for a picture to use, and this is the one that stood out.  this was a very good soup, vegetable soup, named after the person who requested it (their online name, anyway).  i won't change the name, but i won't make it for work again. 

what stands out about it? making a soup, a good soup, is like building a good community. the elements have to come together with a sense of belonging and harmony, though they are diffuse and maybe even radically different.  everything has to have its place.  the cook has to have that understanding up front.  it's more mental than physical.  with that understanding, elements are selected, prepared for their flavor or for their ability to season, and layered in, not according to importance, but according to the power level they should maintain.  a mushroom, for instance, only has the flavor of the things around it, being a fungus and having no true flavor of its own. but a mushroom added too early becomes a tough, shrunken thing, a sullen ingredient, contrary to consistency.  a potato has more flavor, not much more, but is a multiple agent, a comfort, a flavor, a thickening agent by its starch content.  but it requires only so much cooking, as it will soften and break down completely if it is overcooked.  vegetables lose their nutritional value when they are simply tossed into an excessive amount of liquid and boiled. 

maybe i wanted too much.  maybe i was thinking of how each person at work, despite our differences, has a place, has a function.  maybe i was thinking that, under the right set of circumstances, harmony was possible, even if the 'cooking' was being done in a pressure cooker by a psychotic cook.  and maybe i was right, and maybe i was close. 

and maybe Icarus should have listened to his father and stayed away from the sun.

my days are okay; don't get me wrong.  i still go early so i'm not late.  i still make coffee, but i don't push the donations very much, if at all, anymore.  for what?  i have a questionable presence now, not with everyone, but in a community it only takes a few bad 'ingredients' to spoil the harmony of the recipe. 

sometimes, it only takes one. and maybe that means i'm the bad ingredient now.  maybe not.

in the end, it's not a soup, and its not a community.  it's a job, and i do it because it pays the bills.  i didn't go there to make friends, and that i have friends is a blessing from God, not from man.  i have to remember that, and i have to remember that when it comes to recipes, my Father has the best one, and He is the most capable of preparing it.  my job is not to cook; my job is to sit at the table and partake of what He has prepared for me. 

i am up, i am medicated and meditated and scriptured.  i am fed and caffienated and watered.  showered and shaved.  i am about to take clothing upstairs to put away, find my selected clothes for the day's wear, and get to work early so that i am not late. 

maybe i'll find a nice soup for lunch.  probably not, though. 

thank you, Father, for allowing me to sit at Your table.

AFTER THE RETURN

i am currently 3 days home now.  it was a good trip, but it is over.  i'm glad i went; i'm glad i'm home. 

what i got from this trip was a good vision of my children.  ALL of my children. Syd, De'Ja and Porsha, though Porsha was raised by her father, she is still one of the children of my heart.  when i see them, it's time travel.  back to the days of them being small, of Syd not even being conceived, of De'ja's anger, of Porsha's sweet narcissism.  and now they are grown, and they are working, and two are parents, and they can actually sit together and break bread together and be okay.  and though there is still the feel of some displacement - Syd being the one removed, on the outside, where the elder two were both steeped in the city she was born in - they are not at each other's throats as they were when they were young. and that would have been sufficient for a journey. 

i also got a sense of ease being in the city itself.  it would never be home for me again.  there is nothing there that resembles a soul to me. when i go, i see only the faintest vestiges of what used to be my town.  but there is prettiness and glitter and shining; there is glass and steel and commerce.  there is no real sense of belonging.  they are tearing down community housing, eliminating places for the poor to exist, and the poor, as usual, do nothing to resist.  i was told the median for rent is now $1600 a month.  but there are always places where the poor go to survive.  and eventually, everything returns to the disrepair that leisure and covetousness creates, and then the poor have what they require again.  and the dysfunctional cycle continues. that is Columbus now. 

I have few friends, but they are friends.  I see old places still around.  i know some poets still maintaining their thing, but they are scattered. the new vibe is to be seen, to be stylish, to be visual and visible.  the exhibitionistic voyeurism is now rampant and contagious.  so i'm glad i left. 

home again.  friendships to cultivate, in an absence of words that will be caught up on.  work, family, bills, things that need to be done, things that i want to do.  i guess the blessing is when you realize that here is right where you need to be, that here is the place where you have your heart.  it's not the 'home is where the heart is' nonsense, because the heart is never really in one place; but HERE, this NOW, this WHERE, is enough to feed my heart.  and i am so grateful that i have a HERE and a THEN to look back on and realize that i've grown and changed, that i am still becoming and am blessed abundantly.

it's Tuesday morning.  I spent the evening learning about my new friend.  I have prayed, have read my scripture and taken my medicine.  i am going to get dressed, go find a card for a friend.  i am glad that this life is what it is, at this moment.  and eventually i'll forget that i wrote this, and life will suck again, and everything about it will suck too.  but for now...

thank you, Jehovah, for safe travels, safe returns, and hearts that miss me when i'm gone. 

BEFORE THE RETURN

So, its Saturday. I think I'm leaving tonight. Could be tomorrow morning, but probably tonight. It's been fun; it has definitely been relaxing. I'm glad Syd came, glad we got some hang time. But, tomorrow or today, it's just about time.

Sitting at the moment in my friend's dining room. Keith & Ronda, Syd's old daycare persons.  Friends, to be sure. They got a chance to meet the child, which was cool. The grandson took to them pretty well, played with the other kids it was definitely a good thing.  Went to miss Vera's shop; it was good to see the grandson take to new people and his reaction to the environment of a flower shop. He takes to situations, analyzes them and concludes his actions on that basis.
So I stayed at De'ja's again last night. Syd stayed at Porsha's. I watched the rest of a series on Netflix and went to sleep. Got up this morning and, after prayers and meditation and medications, gathered my things together and made my way back to Ronda and Keith's.
I have been fed, and I fed my children. I've rested. I have resupplied some things. I've spoken to some people I wanted to, but I'd need two whole weeks to cover all that I'd want to do. So this has been good.
I want to see some friends that I miss back home. How odd is that?

Columbus P.M.

just about ready to start the day. 

i slept pretty well last night.  still have this pain in my elbow, for some unknown reason, but it has greatly diminished.  the work day yesterday was okay, the heat wasn't too too bad, but it was pretty stifling.  but getting through it is the business, and everyone got home safely and that's what's important.

i've got my clothes packed, have to decide on shoes to take.  i am trying to keep it simple.  i've got a load of clothes in the dryer from last night's wash.  i have my medicine taken and i'll put them in my carrying bag.  i have my house watcher ready.  there's not much else to do, so i'm taking time to just relax before work, having read my scriptures and my meditations. 

i'm looking forward to the trip, honestly.  it is going to be interesting, to spend time with my grandson and my daughter.  i haven't been to Columbus in over a year; really didn't feel i had any reason to any longer.  the nonsense with Yvette when I was last there, and knowing that aside from the kids there's no one who I can really call on these days, keeps me feeling sort of iffy about Columbus.  but i have a car that should make the trip fine, i have my generations with me, and i have my prayer in my heart.  a break from the past week would be good as well.  so, i'll continue to update while i'm gone, and i pray that we all have a good weekend.  i am grateful to my Creator for a new adventure; but every day is a new adventure when you take this Journey one day at a time. 

Long Days...

i'm sure it's been a couple days at least, and that's not cool. but i am going to enter some shit right now, get some thoughts down, because i know this night ain't gonna have my company for much longer, and i have to try to get this shit going right.

you learn how much you can bear when you have to bear it.  that's just the reality of this life.  i go to work willingly, i still get there early, i still make coffee.  but now i don't think so much about the
'extracurriculars'.  i do what i do and i go to my bus and wait for my start time.  it's .lonely, for the most part, but it's not the worst thing i've ever dealt with.  i have unlikely friends, someone today said they didn't believe anything that has been said about me, them having just found out, that they hate 'liars and people who try to hurt your reputation'.  on my word, i've said nothing to anyone at work about this, so the fact that it touched my heart, i couldn't even share.  i think that's the worst part.  but that's what character is all about.  it's not what anyone else thinks about me, or what anyone else say's about me; it's what i'm ABOUT.  and that doesn't change because someone decided to shoot a hole in my work life.  in fact, it just gives me more work to do. 

yesterday i did clear some of the air with the woman from my meetings.  the same as my brother, i did not make an 'amend' because i didn't feel i was wrong in any of my actions. but i declared peace between us, allowing that i knew i needed to not judge, to allow her to be herself without feeling the weight of my disapproval. i don't know if it acually will make things better.  we ain't gonna be friends.  but i did tell her that God put her in my life for a reason, maybe because she is now someone who is an asset to my father in his activities.  and if that is the case, who am i to condemn anyone? 

be in Columbus soon.  i need that reset.  that's enough for now.  thnak you, Father, for a good looooooong day.