i was listening to John Lennon this morning, 'Nobody Told Me', and the sentiment was on pointe. i have been living in a bit of a bubble for the past week, but it's time for that bubble to burst. it's time to get busy.
first, thank you Jehovah, for my sobriety, serenity and sanity.
thank you, VF, for reminding me of my right to be human.
thank you, Sherese, for reminding me to just start, even if it's a small start.
as a human concern, especially a human American concern, we're often taught not to need help, not to need others, to just plow and grind and push and strain even if there are no results. i am so thankful that there are people in my life who are not the average human 'American' concerns. thank you for my life.
let's cover a week.
on Monday last, we had our luncheon. I thought it was nice, others thought it turned out great. though i initiated the gathering, it was the contribution of each and every person there that made it worthwhile. lotta food, lotta good fellowship for a non-12 step venue. it made me happy to be around my fellow drivers and see them sort of harmonious.
that all ended with the 2nd half of the day. i cannot go into any details about it. promises made. but this is my Journey, this is my life, and I havc a right to at least express the pain i am dealing with. and it is pain, but i am dealing with it, and that is with God's grace and the blessing of people who believe in my character. and, honestly, that is the most important thing to me.
see, i've grown as a human, and i've grown as a spirit. i've grown into this spirit that i endeavor to live now. once, i was not even concerned about my character, seeing myself only as harmful people saw me. in my recovery, i've learned that i have value and faults, i have strengths and weaknesses. i have challenges and successes. i have the ability to bring healing or harm, and i prefer to bring healing. i am, as a child of God, able to deal with serpents and snakes, but that doesn't mean i'm immune to poison. i won't die. but it makes me sick sometimes. but the sickness is a time of reflection. how did this sickness come about? how did i open the door to it? what should i do differently next time it's knocking? those are the considerations that make the difference between same ol' same ol' and brand new experiences.
some may choose to question my character, but i will not. i do what i can, and i try to be consistent at all times. and if that isn't enough, then i'm not the teacher in that situation, and that's okay too. and that's the end of that.
so, Tuesday, i went to the Cleveland Clinic and saw Dr. B, and got the ball rolling on this Brachytherapy that i'll undergo in September. i rode down with Lonnie, had a good ride and a good visit. came home and decided to clean off my porch, wipe down furniture and table, sweep and then soap-sweep the porch itself, arrange the furniture properly. nicer place to grill, nicer place to chill. Wednesday was when i walked into the stale spiritual air at work, which persisted until the end of the work week. but i separated myself from it, just staying away from the people, while i continued to do the things that are important to me, like making coffee in the morning, getting there early so i'm not late, being as kind as i can and as real as i'm able in any situation.
also, on Wednesday, my bus malfunctioned. i got stuck in my first drop-off's driveway for an hour. my bus ended up in the shop. i've been driving the Boss' old bus since then as i wait for my bus to be repaired. but the rest of the week was pretty uneventful. as i said, i stayed in my own zone, did my job, went through the emotional changes that it took me through and just took it one day at a time.
this weekend, i cleaned my downstairs good and washed and dried my clothes, bath stuff and etc. i'm getting ready for a trip to Columbus on Wednesday. me and Syd and the grandson. take some time away, see De'Ja and Porsha, some other folks i've not seen in a while, take some love and give some back, reset maybe, rejuvenate, perhaps, but get away from this shit? absolutely.
i have someone at the meetings signifying about me in a disparaging way. it's an interesting thing; you know when someone is refering to you, but Carly Simon sort of took away the ability to respond to anonymous sniping with return fire with her song, 'You're So Vain'. i can't just engage because my name has never been spoken by this person, but there is no doubt that she refers to me. i've consdered how to respond, the consideration being the response itself, but i've not decided anything just yet. we'll see how it turns out, if it continues.
i feel good today. had BK for breakfast, not good, but this is not a breakfast cooking day for me. i'm going to go to WalMart soon, get some things i need for the house, some things that i need for the meeting. thinking i may grill tonight, not sure though. we'll see how i'm feeling after the meeting. see if i have any peoples visiting today.
but i again express my gratitude to Jehovah, for allowing me to 'SEE', to respond rather than react, and to prioritize according to my spiritual needs first. Time to start the day. Oops, it's started already...
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