six days ago? about that, i guess. I'm just tired lately, that's all. no reason other than that. nothing huge, no tragedies at the moment. life stuff, which of course is arbitrary and unthinking. regardless, it is not without detail, so a summary, to get myself back on track, should suffice. if not, apologies all around.
to start, it's been a week of level movement. i continue to pray, to take my meds, to read, to work and to tend to the things that God puts before me to the best of my ability. I look after my parents, trying to make sure they have meals to eat. it doesn't really matter if they are counting on me for that, as they should be able to count on me or someone for that. they are both in their own habitation. my father's urgent care visits are on the upswing again. my brother is hurting worse than before. every day. doesn't sound like he's having any relatively pain-free days, and that sucks.
work's been okay. the clients have been good, getting to work safely and home safely. my route will be increasing in July, so more hours, more money. the house is still just a place to be, but it's home, such as it is. the writing is moving, the poetry has come back, which is nice, and i'm composing a poetry book alongside the novel that remains unnamed.
all my friends seem to be going through things, which is not good. but there is nothing that i can really do except keep them in prayer and in my heart, which i do. i'm working on getting the eating back in hand, not under 'control', and i just made that distinction, because i am a recovering addict, and 'control' does not exist for me. surrender, acceptance, faith with appropriate action is how change for the better occurs.
just finished my shower and shaving, and took my meds for the day. i'm out of milk, have to stop at the store later. need to put in an order for some stuff for the meeting, but that's for next week, not today's meeting. two more days of work after this. plans for Columbus in the near future. that's about the size of it all. i'll talk to you later.
from 6/20 (no title)
it was a cop show type dream, but it involved someone who had raped someone that i know. no names. the person had been arrested after the victim had called the police to report the rape, stating that the individual was far more dangerous than the police knew. i'm fairly sure i was one of the officers, though not as myself.
as i said, the guy was caught, was not speaking, figuring he would beat the rape charge, and there was definitely something extraordinarily menacing about him. i continued asking others questions and eventually we looked through his van for clues and i did some real TV style extrapolations that his van wasn't so much for rape, as it was equipped for a child predator. it was heated independently in the rear, cordoned off from the rest of the van but it was proportionate to one adult, which gave off the impression of someone smaller. we found there'd been a rash of child disappearances in this individuals sphere of movement and when we accused him, he suddenly wanted a lawyer right then. that was when i woke up.
thing is, i knew the people who were the victims in the dream. so i have to pray for understanding and then be prepared to act when the dream is clarified.
that's all for now.
from 6/21 (titled (what is) Happiness)
last weekend I made a soup for a friend who asked for soup. they asked for vegetable soup, which is not something that i've made before but never made me think it a difficult task. the soup turned out very well, and they and others at work seemed to enjoy it.
at the same time, i've been in the process of organizing, loosely using that term, a luncheon for next week, as a way of just doing things us for us. it also is not really difficult, but it is involved as a process, just as making a good soup is. there are elements that go into it, all of them have different properties and preparations, to bring out the most from each one, yet each has to act in harmoney with the others.
all that fancy talk is avoiding what the thought is. that people like to receive, and they like to follow, but they don't seem to get the ability to DO, to just begin a process and ask others to participate.
i had to learn this, over years, because of insecurities, because of my addictions, because of my introverted nature. but when i learned it, i took it to heart, and i try to open these corridors as often as i can. but it would be nice if people would catch on. if people would decide that it's good to feel good, and would do more inclusive things to bring a chance for others to feel good in the things that they do.
what has that to do with happiness?
well, i grumble and complain an awful lot, but i had to acknowledge that i enjoyed having time to hang out with my fellow drivers at the last gathering we did, even though it was mostly work related. and like, when i finally broke through my fears and began going to the sober dances and participating, i like to do the things that make me feel good. they enhance my happiness, they don't MAKE me happy. and that distinction is important, because that means the happiness is already within me. something that MAKES me happy creates something that isn't there. and if you can create something that an individual needs, you have a modicum, a varying degree, of control over that person.
i like making soup, because it is an offering of enhanced happiness, of life, to people that i care about, or at least that i interact with.
i like sharing experience for the same reason. i like having time with friends and sharing love for the same reason.
that would mean that, despite my grumblings, i am happy. i do have happiness within me. and that's a good realization.
so i'm working on letting more of that out. i'm working on allowing myself to be happy on the outside more. and maybe that will just open the door for someone to come and try to kill it, as it has in the past. but if it's in me, it's in me. it belongs to me. and hiding it to keep it safe doesn't really sound a lot like...happiness. does it?
it's Friday. i've done what i'm going to do before work. time to get dressed and get moving. I thank Jehovah for placing Happiness within me that doesn't depend on other people for its existence, and I'm thankful for that realization at this time.
from 6/22 (titled Around the (grand)Sun)
this is what it is all about.
from the time he was born, to this day when his varied family celebrates his trip around the sun, my grandson, my daughter's child, has grown.
he is developing, he is changing. he is understanding things, and communicating and asking for understanding. he is growing. he was barely an armful when he was born. i remember. i held him, i fed him as his mother tried to fight the disorientation she was feeling, though the reasons for that escape me now.
i've watched him grow. i've watched him gain sentience and awareness, i've watched him become prescient, in his own way.
the things he sees...the things he has been a witness to, already in his life.
i can only say that i appreciate him, i love him to the bone and breath within me. i can say that i am proud of my daughter and of Joe, his father, for bringing this child into the world, though their troubles have not ended as a result.
i am tired, my leg hurts, i'm using my cane and i'm hungry. i have chores to finish and more things to do tomorrow.
but for now, my grandson is celebrating a year of life. that's enough for the moment. that is more than enough.
thank you, Jehovah.
from 6/25 (titled Time Passes (it does that))
for now, i am going to pick up Lonnie soon and we'll start out. 8am appointment, lawd... all they had, so i took it. he's got surgery later today, so my afternoon appointment was moved forward.
i got up with prayer, read my meditations and took my meds. had coffee, water and a 4 pack of Lorna Doones. that's it for now. i'm about to get dressed, get my little bit of stuff together and go get Lonnie to roll out. i feel a pretty good day ahead. but we'll see.
yesterday, at work, we had a luncheon that i initiated. it turned out pretty nice, i have to admit. a lot of food, a lot of company, laughs and some work and some unexpected smiles. and there was still the tension and the simmering of the problems that plague us, but i never thought a lunch would just remove that shit. i felt a lunch would give us a chance to interact that we don't usually get, and it did that. we had a good day, some good times. and we may have more. only Jehovah knows for sure. but we have that, and that will have to be enough for now.
i have raised my daughter and have seen my son doing his profession and pushing his boundaries. i've become a better son to my parents, at least by my reckoning, and i've seen my grandson, my namesake, travel one time around the sun on planet Earth. i have been loved and i have been alone. i have written my books, my poetry, sang my songs and stood on some stages and accepted the will of an audience. i feel okay with whatever comes, because the sum of all my yesterdays is a not too bad today.
thank you, Father, for perspective.
i'm done, got to roll.
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