i am thinking way too much lately. as i showered, i thought about a brother from the Kingdom Hall who just died in the last couple days. not an old man, vibrant and earthy in his faith, which is something in a religion that tends to make people move toward a hive-persona of sorts. but he had been sick for a while, i am told, and he was at the Hall on Sunday, and I heard his voice as i cooked dinner for my parents and my mother listened in on their phone line, and now he's gone. and it made me think about my sponsor, and how much i miss him, and how i go to meetings and things are so different now i can't feel his presence there anymore. and that makes me think of so many others, gone since 1988, so many that i've known, so many faces that are stuck in my head that never materialize in the real world anymore. it makes me think about my brother Rob, just trying to fight off whatever was broken in his brain, in and out of psych wards, with a woman who loved him staying with him. Rob, a gentle spirit born to a crazy family, Rob who had a cancer in his tonsils that found a way to kill him.
i went to my kidney doctor on Tuesday. i haven't lost any weight, and i am depressed about that. i can't find any lasting motivation. nothing means very much to me. funny. i have a practically new car, new to me by any stretch, and all i can think is 'when is the other shoe going to drop?' i haven't been this pessimistic in years. is it just the recent losses? Rachel is in the midst of a storm, Lonnie is catching hell just trying to take care of his family. my Dad and Mom are both trying to figure out what comes at the end of physical life. i'm in the house of my grandparents, where they both lived and died. my grandson, my namesake, is life on the other end of the spectrum, but we are all born dying. and that is what i though the other day. seeing a deer laying on the side of the road, legs stiffened out in rigor as if he was just sleep standing and someone tipped him (or her, or it) over. it was lovely a week ago, and now its pelt is mottled and soon it will be decay and rot. just another body alongside the road, feeding other creatures who are waiting for their turn. is that what we all are? are we just feeding off the carcasses of the ones about to go, while others are waiting for us to go so they, too, can feed?
i need a vacation, for real. i need to see some life. i need to get laid. i need someone to let me put my head in their lap while i think and cry. i could use someone else's meal. someone else's cooking that i don't have to pay for because of not having a completely working stove at the moment.
i'm whining, but i'm purging. i am grateful. my gout has eased back quite a bit. i have coffee to make, and electricity to brew it. i am going to wash clothes, and i have a washer that works. i don't have all the answers to everything. i'm not even supposed to. i'm supposed to find the answers i need, and share the answers i find with those who are seeking answers.
today is all i have. so far, so good. thank you, Father.
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