to begin, it' sunday night. i'm not long in the house for the 2nd time. 1st time, it was from my meeting today, which was very terse for me, as i was dealing with some very negative emotions concerning a certain person. i've written about her before, in this Journey. someone who i've found to be disingenuous, calculating and fake as the print that comes from seven dollar bill plates. but the thing is, that means i'm judging her. and that means, simply, that i'm in the wrong. and i have to do something about that. and that's the pain in the ass with recovery. i can't just dwell in the negative and not own my part, if i want to continue to grow and change. so i went to the meeting, though i didn't want to go. and i stayed til the end, though i thought about leaving early. but i was very bristly, very abrasive, and it showed. i don't hide my disdain well, don't find much reason to try anymore. so, there's that. and i have to work on it and i have to get past it and i'll likely have to make an amend for my part in it. but that's when i get there. just to let you know, ain't perfect at all...ain't even close.
so then there's the deal with my dad. we've spent some time together last several days. going car hunting, riding and eating and talking. it's been fun, but i've had a mission that is on my plate and i have had him with me, 25 percent, to help me with his knowledge and his resources. and that's not happened yet, and it may not. my dad is as old-school as they get, and in a tech savvy, sociopathic world, that doesn't always manufacture results. he is like a kid more now than he was when i got back to youngstown. something about the time away from work and all that he knew and was at GM has taken quite a toll on him. but it's the way he just keeps searching for his relevance. like, he knows it's out there somewhere, and if he just keeps doing the shit he's doing, he'll find a way to be important again. trouble is, he's already important. to my mom, who needs to lean on him more,, though she doesn't want to. to his kids, who are concerned about his well being. to his grandchildren and great-grandchildren, to whom he is the patriarch of our family. to his own extended clan, of which he is an elder now. it's funny...i look at him and say these things, and i think to myself, 'how our roles change as we get older', and i realize i must apply that same philosophy to myself. but today, well, it was a bit different.
he fell and my mom called and asked if i could take him to urgent care, and i said sure. and i'd eaten and was in the wind-down process so it wasn't the biggest deal. but i saw that he was sort of 'force-limping', though perhaps it was my imagination. and on the ride to the care center, he kept flexing his hand, as if he were testing to see what exactly was broken on it. which was, of course, nothing.
no breaks, no bad stuff, and he was out of the urgent care in 2 hours. and then he was moving slow, and talking to another nurse about something he didn't understand, and i was losing my patience by then, because i needed to be shutting down for work tomorrow. and then...he wanted to stop. at a church. on the way home. close to downtown, so taking the freeway quickly was out. to get a book, which he left out of the church without. and left the church not limping. and left the car at the church using the hand he kept flexing to see how badly it was hurt. so, i sat silent, and i took him home, and i've come home. and i have toi pray on that and meditate and will end up needing to amend that as well.
i am tired. i'll be getting up to shower and shave. coffee's ready. had a power outage this morning, so i had to reset everything. i'm weary. i've experienced some emotional tension that made my neck snap, crackle and pop. but i'm alive, i'm clean, i'm ready for tomorrow should i be blessed with a tomorrow. i thank my Heavenly Father for my earthly father, and for family and for the changes i still need to make. that's it.
No comments:
Post a Comment