i don't know exactly what i'm going to say this time, but I feel compelled to jot some things down. I have a busy day today, and I want to start it with some introspection. i'm already running behind, but it's my day off so i'm not rushing into anything I don't have to. it's just after 9am. normally by this point, even on a day off, i'm well into travels, when I have them, which I do. but today, and after the two work days I've had so far, my body just wanted to chill and i'm not going to argue it.
I guess maybe that's the starting place. Monday. I considered, and am still considering, updating my resume and beginning the search again. and it's on a humbug, but humbugs have a way of getting out of hand because no one tends to them that should. case in point: where I work, they are currently establishing their patient base. that means there's a lot of outreach, but outreach means they are trying to hit a quota, which always means there's monetary expectations in the background. okay, good enough. but there are some applied (meta)physics going on here as well. because the owners have expectations of the clinic and they pass those down. the doctors aren't affected, they just want their patients cared for as the primary thing. the nurses and the nurse practitioners, as well as being caregivers, are instruments of the doctor's will, and as such they are susceptible to the owner's desires. the outreach people are susceptible to the will of the nurses and the NP's, as they are trying to build up the number of people coming in to the facility. and there are far more outreach people than we see, as we have a call center who also works to bring in patients in this area, though the center is located in Chicago and their only interest as with all call centers, is meeting the quota handed to them as agents. then there's the director of operations here, who has to coordinate all these desires into a working mode of operations, but her power level makes her more immune to whims. she just passes those whims downstairs, to outreach mostly. so there are the welcome/front desk coordinators. this is where the (meta)physics come in. these two individuals are the low point. they are the lens that all this energy, all these whims, wishes, quotas, expectations and frustrations (re:queries, accusations, reprimands spoken and implied) are focused through. now, let me say this, and it puts it into the perspective that I needed: this is so intense, one of these women, the one who is actually better adjusted SEEMING, has had a mini stroke triggered while working on the job. as a result of all this? not for me to say. but it has happened. and she's the calm, not gonna get excited one. (this is why I had to write, because I only just now made that correlation). the other one, the one that opens, and sits in the window, and is the first face everyone sees, is a brittle mess as a result of all this. she is, in her personal life, going through shit. and then she comes to work, and is faced with everyone's shit every day. ops manager, outreach people, doctors, nurses, NP's, social workers, insurance people, deliveries, patients and drivers, when drivers are not competent or insightful enough to not get caught up in that. but even when they (we) are, the lens that catches all that turns that energy into a laser beam. and it can't hit the patients, or she'd lose her job. it can't hit anyone above her, because that's not the design. so, it is focused on the drivers. and particularly, it focuses on me, because the last driver it focused on is now a former driver.
Monday I had an 8am pickup, but I didn't get my paperwork until almost 7:40am. which means I had to get out the door and get my ass running. I had 3 stops at 8:20am...THREE STOPS, THREE PICK-UPS, ALL SCHEDULED AT THE SAME TIME. that's the result of more people doing scheduling than should be doing scheduling. and I had a stop at 8:40. now, that's 5 stops in the 8o'clock hour. and each stop is on a 20 minute bias. which means, the 8am pickup should be at the clinic at 8:20, which is the time for the next pickups to already be happening. this is the clusterfuck that my job has become, on a daily basis. I don't usually worry too much about it, because when there's a reasonable amount of runs, I just go early for everyone, which allows me to fit in the ones that are grouped together more reasonably. but. BUT. reasonable amount of runs is anywhere from 12 to twenty for one driver. Monday I HAD 33! so, this was not a good day. and I didn't make any big deals about anything, because I have already had the lens inform my real boss about an attitude I had on a day before when runs were stacked and my competence in dealing with their insanity was called into question. I will allow no one to make me lose my position. but it was a bad day. and I brought my lunch, trying to start the healthier thing, and I didn't get a chance to eat because I was running the entire day. by the time I got home, I ate, laid down and was instantly asleep, waking yesterday with my body hurting from being on that van for 10 hours straight. and yesterday's fun was dealing with a possible bedbug presence from a patient who apparently was found to have bed bugs by the nurses. so I had to inspect the van, shut down rides for a period, spray the seat where the patient sat and cover it in plastic and turn the heat up high for an idle half-hour, then resume driving with the heat up and the seat covered. not an issue, but on the heels of the Monday I had, it was something to think about.
now, i'm off. and I slept in because my mind had to reset, and I believe it has. I'm going to shower and shave, having taken my medicine, read my stuff and had my coffee. i'm going to get my clothes into my bag, as I need to wash and dry a load. meeting at noon, counseling at three, and I don't know if my son is coming to town or not. I have to hit a store, running low on some things. I feel like i'm on a much more stable footing at the moment, by God's grace, and I am done with BRITTLE MIND, my forthcoming book, just have to get it structured and get my cover together. so, the train has started rolling again, which makes me happy. and I thank Jehovah for that, for allowing me to survive my spiritual drought and make it to the road again. okay, time to start moving.
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