it's funny, certain things stick in your head where other similar, or even same, things don't. that title is something I heard first from an episode of Doctor Who. now, i'd heard a million times in my childhood, 'when it rains, it pours', but I never really dug it that much. knew what it meant, but it just sounded so...common sensical, I guess. but when the Doctor said that line, in a submarine with a Martian Warrior just awakened and ready to tear up everything, it was like he was not only saying 'can things possibly get any worse?', but he was also, politely, in his very English way, saying, 'Fucking SHIT!'. and that's what I felt today, still feeling the residuals of that FUCKING SHIT. gotta move past it, though.
see, it was a good day. i'm still in that space where the good that I'm feeling is a discernible thing. I am not limping, not coughing, choking, spasming, spewing from my ass. I am not feverish or chilled. I feel okay. I work good. I sleep well enough, considering my doctor is keeping me sedated with gabapentin. get to the parents, talk to the kids and a few other people. pinching pennies as I wait for the payday on the horizon. some bills still to pay, some late, I know, but its the only way I can do it. a good feeling, you know?
...AND THEN...
now, I knew things were changing with my disability, because social security made sure to tell me. my copay on prescription drugs was being modified. okay, I have no choice but to roll with that. that was during the whole 'you're being audited, why you actually keeping your head above water?' period. and I know that sounds facetious, but that's what it amounts to. you are sick, you're on disability, you are poor, you're on welfare and food stamps, you're supposed to live as a sub-human. that's the truth. no frills, no enjoyment. and if you get creative enough to do some things that you like, to eat more than canned meat and dry unsalted crackers, if you manage to get a car that isn't a piece of shit or live in a place that isn't a hovel, if you can afford to buy your children sneakers that aren't plastic soled and single stitched with some generic cartoon animal on the side, why then you're a CHEAT, you're a FRAUD, and you deserve to DIE!!! think that's an exaggeration? think the whole food stamp issue doesn't really have to do with Reagan terming black inner city mothers 'Welfare Queens' and more recently the habit of John Q looking in people's buggies and seeing steak and ice cream, Captain Crunch and birthday cakes and screaming how PEOPLE ON WELFARE ARE EATING BETTER THAN ME!!!? i'd say get your head out of your ass, but i'm sure you're enjoying the view. anyway, that's the deal. and to bring it back home after that massive digression, my pharmacy called me today to inform me that my copay was not the same and that my prescription refill order would cost me about $600. yes, DOLLARS. and so, I told them just hold it right where it's at, and I have to hunt for help. and there's a part of me that's bitter, because I have cheated no one, I've hidden nothing. I don't work under the table, and i'm not, dammit, getting rich. I drive people, short hours and long days. pay is less than I was getting driving the buses for the developmentally disabled community. i'm going to have to get in touch with social security and let them know that. i'm sure there's a resolution. but you know what? there's a drug called Tamsulosin, that's the generic name, better known as Flomax. it is a drug that helps you urinate when your prostate is swollen. i'm out of it. and peeing is like waiting to shit on myself for practically nil results on the urine side. fun fun fun, daddy PLEASE take the T-bird away.
so, I drove over 200 miles today. I drove the fucking wheels off that van. 22 scheduled trips. and now I've eaten dinner, and i'm going to shut it down, and i'm going to ask my doctor and my counselor tomorrow if they know of any kind of help that's available for my current issue. and maybe they do, and maybe they don't, but i'll also have to do some personal research to learn what I can learn. and i'm tired, and I can't pee completely out, and i'm just stuck in I I I I I...and that's not good. because of myself, I am nothing. I have to believe that my Heavenly Father has a solution to this situation, and I have to believe that it is going to work out in a way that is best for me. for now, though, I have to get some rest, as I have an early doctor's appointment tomorrow, and I don't want to be late. i'm done for now, but maybe the sun'll come out tomorrow. look at all these quotes today! a fractured mind, to be sure...
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