wow, what a day. long and not busy, active but not full. i'm tired but mostly from waking so early and going in so early. I got the thing straight that I let lapse, which was a form of amend, and i'm glad about that. I hit my marks at work, but I was nauseous early part of the morning, ever since I ate my breakfast. just finished dinner, so that's good. soup and a grilled cheese/marinara sandwich, tasty enough. just wasn't feeling the 'go to the store, come home, cook something huge and eat and pass out' thing when I just finished almost 12 hours of work.
it's funny, in a way. I have a place on my job. I mean, I had a place at PCS as well, but here at Health Park, I actually feel that people are counting on my best, and i'm happy to give it. not just the clients, but the staff, the people who pay the people I work for the money that they pay me. and that makes me feel pretty good. so when I go to work, it means I have a standard that is set for myself, a standard that makes everyone else comfortable knowing it's in place, and I hit it as often as I can. today was a day like that. and I couldn't be happier, though I am tired, to be perfectly frank.
the world is an ugly place. you see it more and more, if you have eyes that can see anything at all. I had talked to my counselor recently about the attack on the temple in New York at the holidays, about the councilwoman (I think she was) who spoke on the tumultuous history between the Jewish and black community. I couldn't see anything right about the act, and I couldn't see anything right about the inference, as if that would excuse a crime against a community. and then I see another report of a black woman who tore off a Muslim girl's hijab and rubbed in on her crotch, degraded and defiled her faith. and again, i'm struck, and I know what really struck me. I wonder what the fuck is wrong with my people, and I wonder why we are trying so hard to fit into the hateful rhetoric that does nothing but erode the foundation of something that was strived for not even 50 years ago. we are hated, condemned and disregarded, by and large. are these attempts to find some kind of identity in current culture? and I really do wonder, because one thing I realized a long time ago; black identification of the American dream has always been White America, because what else could slaves see as success except the people who owned them? black people have always sought the clothing of the oppressor, and apparently this has not abated one iota, despite all the talk these days about people being 'woke'. it makes me sad. it makes me want to give up. I never did have a good grasp on REAL hate. it seems so useless. I don't know. i'm writing just to get this shit out of my skin. I see people with only a token amount of patience for other humans who will go to hell and beyond for a pet. I watch people behind the wheels of cars they are definitely not qualified to drive, putting hundreds of other drivers at risk every day. I see an agenda to get the nation high, and I seem to be the only person who asks, 'if the government wants me to have it, what is the real reason? what's the agenda?'
but that's just some of the background noise in my head these days. tomorrow is a more 'normal' day. four patients to pick up and drop off. of course, they scheduled two of them for a pick up at the exact same time, but that's not my issue at the moment. i'm going to take my night meds, i'm going to get into my shorts and i'm going to get horizontal. I doubt if sleep is far off. and I only work today and tomorrow; Friday they have some kind of educational thing they're attending in Cleveland, and the facility is closed. so, what to do when everyone I know is tied up in drama? probably mind my own business. never hurt me one time. good night.
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