Confessions of a Lonely Man

well of course the lonely man is me.  but this won't be as maudlin as it may seem it was going to be.  in fact I want this to be a representation of the power of the numerology of this year, 2020, clear hindsight producing different actions.  maybe it will, maybe it won't.  but it is time to divest, and time to get on with the business of living life on it's own terms.  

so let's start by saying I am much improved, health-wise.  I am walking well.  I am eating okay.  moving waste better.  I am sleeping well.  I have been working good, not much pain there.  I can say, I do not like my new co-worker.  he is not what he seems to be, and i'll go more into that later.  for now, enough to say I don't like him very much, and keep it moving. 

today I spent time with Syd and my grandson.  I didn't think that was going to happen.  yesterday I took Syd to the ER with a UTI, and she's on some pain meds and some antibiotics today.  but she wanted to roll, and I was glad to spend time with them.  had some business to tend to as well, no big thing, just making sure some trauma in my bank accounts didn't repeat next month.  but it took its toll.  I need to get my AAA card paid, still, going on a month late.  I need to get my gym membership back.  I got some bills that still need paid.  I will tend to those with my next paycheck as best I can.  but for now, I have to remain aware of my responsibility.  

no, these are not the confessions.  

it is cold in my house.  as I type this, my back is cold, facing the window behind me.  it looks out into the street, but I do not.  no one is out there; no one is coming.  I am going to take a shower, make myself a grilled cheese sandwich and watch some streaming movies or anime til bedtime.  that is my life, that is my existence.  I don't want to act like it isn't, I don't want to pretend I enjoy it, nor will I pretend to be traumatized by it.  it is my life.  it is a lonely existence, but it is an honest existence and I need honesty right now, more than anything.

Saturday past, a friend (who still remains nameless) came by.  I had wanted to go out and have dinner with them, as they blessed me (singularly, it turns out) with some lovely Christmas gifts and mine to them was heartfelt but very simple.  but she has had a run of bad things occurring in her life and was exhausted, so I said i'd just cook for us here.  which I did.  now, if things had gone well, i'd not have set this tone starting out.  but they went poorly.  and it wasn't all my fault, and I won't claim it all.  she came in the door snarky and it continued through to almost the end of her visit.  I sidestepped every one I could, not returning snark for snark, until it became  clear that she was in a 'let's see how I can fuck with you' mode.  and that she was in an 'i'm not going to let you touch me' mode as well.  at that point, I shut all my systems down, because lonely is what I've been, and lonely for me means bereft of conversation, touch, intimacy, time spent and companionship.  and while she was here, I had very little of any of these things. and because I have spoken of these needs in the past, it is not an unknown quantity.  but it is a game, and I didn't feel like playing.  I made a good meal, I tried to be close, and I was shut out.  and I stopped talking, because it was very reminiscent of going through the end of things with R way back last year.  it was a visceral experience.  and, as is the usual psychotic follow-up, on contact the next day it was like, none of this ever happened.  so I stayed on auto-pilot, and eventually the silence was implemented, and I thought about loss, and I thought about my responsibility as a recovering addict, and I made through text an apology.  I owned my part, I sought to clear my side of the street.  but I can honestly say, I knew I wasn't the only one who was in the wrong.  I just didn't have the right (or the authority) to clean her yard.  and she wasn't going to do it.  so today, I said nothing again.  no good morning, no good afternoon, no have a nice day.  and I expect nothing back.  but Saturday, oh we will get together for Americanized Mexican dishes and movies.  here at my home.  the Menagerie of people who can't communicate unless it's a special occasion.  and I am tired, but I'll go through it.  it will likely be the last time, but i'll go through it.  because my word has to be good and I gave my word.  

but i'm tired.  i'll be 52 in April.  I am not up for chasing any women.  i'm not up for trying to convince someone of my merits.  i'm not up for working aggressively on changing me.  I don't want to change in order for anyone to like me.  I like me well enough, I love me all the time, and i'm not convinced God is done with me yet, so i'm not done changing.  

so the hindsight, I suppose, it knowing I may have a long spell of being alone before this ride is done.  I don't plan on suicide any longer.  natural death would be okay, but that's not my call.  but if I have another 20, 25 years?  it may be a solo ride. I did right by this one, no expectations except some good moments, but those were too many.  but the situation wasn't right and i'm willing to accept those consequences.  I did right by R, and she just bailed after all those years.  so i'm not looking.  i'm going to do my best to not want.  i'm going to just live, and work, and tend to my own yard, and try to find whatever's going to make me happy as I wait for the end to come.  and i'm going to remain grateful, because gratitude is what makes all the difference in the world.  

so, thank you Father, for allowing me to spend time with my child and her child.  thank you for a good day, thank you for the blessing of convalescence, and thank you for being my Father.