so, have you ever felt there's no point in trying to explain to the so-called 'professional' people the shit that you're going through? that's what I felt yesterday, going to the doctors. it seemed they were pretty set against the idea that somehow, in December, with all the symptoms I was going through, that I had a bout with the flu, that i'm still in the upswing from it, God's will be done. they didn't have any answer to what it WAS, but were convinced it WASN'T the flu. and so it could have been some psychologically induced state of physically manifested symptoms, as if I wanted to be sick, go to the hospital and the ER, run up more medical bills I can barely pay, miss work, lose money, get dehydrated and have my sugar and kidneys running off the charts as a result. because I really just hate myself that much. what a load of succotash. that's NOT what they said, of course. they never say it; they just say it wasn't what you know it was and leave you to draw the conclusion for myself. again, I thank my sponsor, miss him every day, for a bit of wisdom extrapolated from conversations we've had. like, "I don't need you to tell me the truth in order for me to know the truth". that is absolutely correct. and it leaves out the middle man responsible for updating me on all the little minutiae of any particular situation. I have a brain that can discern and reason. two plus two equals for everywhere but in George Orwell's '1984'. so, i'm doing some better now, and i'm glad to be able to say that.
I don't want to be harsh. I know I don't have many people reading my posts. in fact, I know only one person reads it regularly, and they are the most important person to be reading it, and i'm grateful for their continued vigilance in my life. but I don't do this because I want you to like me, or I want you to co-sign this shit (not you, constant reader, those i'm going to open this up to shortly); I do it because I want someone to KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH ME, so that if anything happens, they know what the process was, how I got to the point I may be at and, perhaps, how best to reach me as a result. in old days, we'd just talk more, friends in contact with friends. but that's not necessarily the way things are done now. now, we tend to just mind our own, take sides with the clique that most closely mirrors our own isms and fears, and close the doors and build high walls to keep anyone else out. and what does that do, except create instant enemies?
I had a moment of philosophical relief today. my leg was hurting like a bitch, but I decided I was going to have my pancake. the whole deal, sausage and eggs too. so I got my shit together and I get to work on my breakfast. I made my sausage patty, and rather than grab the spatula just went to flip it with the pan itself. and it fell on its side, which is unusual, and mushed, and I had to flip until it landed raw side down and get the spatula and mush it down anyway. then I did my eggs while I was preparing my pancake batter. I knew I was frying them far harder than I like my eggs, but I was cooking while sitting and getting up, trying to get shit done while I was hurting so I could sit back down, and eventually the hard fried eggs were done and I went to take them out and they slid off the spatula onto the floor. I was SO ANGRY! I almost cursed. I said, "I'm so fucking tired of hurting all the time." so I guess I did curse. and then it occurred to me. I have made my breakfast. I dropped the eggs because I was trying to baby my leg. the notion came into my head, my ingratitude, my ego out of control once more. why? because there are people who have no eggs to drop on the floor. there are people who have no sausage to flip, no pancake to make when they're craving it. there are people with no legs to hurt them anymore. there are people who have lost so much more than I have, who still have to go through the day. I've met some of them. and then the old saying went through my brain. "I lamented the fact I had no shoes, until I met the man who had no feet." and it made me thank Jehovah and apologize for my impertinence. then I fried two more eggs (for many people, dropping those first eggs would have been the last of it. for some people, those dropped eggs would have had to be eaten anyway. never forget) and made my pancake and had a nice breakfast. I got to the library and got my books that they held onto for me, though at least one should have been sent back (thank you, Father). I went to my parent's house, talked to my mom and made dinner for them. I got some lunch, came home and ate and took my midday meds and got my pintos started in the pot and I watched some Samurai Jack and eventually got my dad from the hospital and came home and cooked the rest of my dinner and ate. my dishes are washed, and I am going to get my water for the night. i'm going to get bloodwork done in the morning, check on my parents and perhaps have lunch with Joshua if he chooses to. a light day, nothing wrong with that. no work til Monday, so I have some time to do me. Leg doesn't hurt as bad; elbow feels pretty good. i'm going to be grateful to Jehovah for letting me convalesce, and i'm grateful to those who have cared about me and let me know that they do. it is the blessing of life in this insane world to be connected to some sanity, regardless of how little it might be. i'm done, and i'm posting this link on FB, because it's still part of my 10th step, and I have to share it in order to keep the attic clean. Aspire Higher.
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