So.

change begets change.  that is an immutable truth.  which, itself, is ironic. even so, it is the truth.  things change, and as they change they create the environment for further change.  resistance to change is pointless, because even the resistance is a part of the change to come.  it's necessary, it is of top universal priority.  if nothing changes, nothing changes.  and there are so many components of that, you could injure your brain stem just trying to unravel them.  trust me on that one, I know firsthand.

however, the good thing is, change can be nothing more complicated than a bus to where you're going.  if you can dig it, if you can accept it, change can be a lovely ride, next to an interesting person, chatting at deeper levels until it seems the ride is done before it starts.  and that's the kind of change i'm trying to get down with right now.  just by writing this entry, i'm trying to open up to change.  and it's not always easy, but it's always optional.

today was a reflective kind of day.  i'm not sure if I noted how my check wasn't deposited yesterday.  I wasn't distraught and I wasn't undone, but I was angry.  I think anyone would be, to a degree, when you do the things necessary to ensure you get your money in your account and it doesn't happen.  took me back, it did.  but it didn't transport me back to that Tim.  what I did was, I finished my work, organized our work folder, got our paperwork faxed to HQ, visited my parents and washed a load of clothes.  I slept as well as I could last night and today I took everything as easy as it was presented to me.  did I try to call Corporate again? sure.  I figured no one would be there but, being a Chicago office and not a Mudville, Ohio one, I figured no harm in trying.  then I went to the stores, got things I need for my company tomorrow, cleaned my kitchen and bathroom, made a HUGE chicken salad, a roasted red-skinned loaded baked potato salad (knocked it the fuck out the park this time), made my dinner of meat loaf and mashed potatoes, to get some meat cooked that needed to be cooked.  I have all my prep done for the main dish tomorrow and I even have dessert finished already (hope it worked out, it is my current trepidation) I talked to Deja, to Syd, to my mom, to Lonnie.  I talked to the Boss, the One who Shant Be named, to Delia and I sent out some kites to some other friends through text.  and i'm about to put this meat in the fridge, cover dessert and go chill. got a meeting tomorrow, got a lot of runs on Monday.  Oh, and to finish a broken story, my check arrived in the mail today.  so apparently they just need to get me updated in their system.  so, I have been paid, I got what I needed, and the only real sacrifice I made was not going to the movie i'm going to see because I wasn't sure I would get my money today or sometime in the week to come.  and i'm not sorry erring in favor of caution.  

so that's my today.  and I feel good, winding it all down now.  i'm going to get some water and shut it all down, and in the morning i'm going to get started with my prayer, the only way to start a recovering day.  thank you, Jehovah, for your patience with me and nurturing of my spirit.  

Thinking On Some Changes

 i don't know.  it's been a good enough holiday.  it's funny, it came right on the heels of my anniversary this year, but the anniversary didn't mean as much.  my counselor acknowledged it, she remembered, and she always does to my eternal gratitude.  but there are other things that aren't so easy to put in a particular order.  such as, i don't really have a sense of the depression that i usually live under at this time of year.  not exactly.  i've felt pretty even throughout the month.  not overwhelmingly happy, not excessively down, just...okay.  and that's an improvement.  and an unexpected one.  i miss my sponsor still.  i wish he'd been at the anniversary meeting, but he wasn't.  and he's being forgotten deliberately, because he stood for something and his reputation is bigger than most people's reality.  but the event itself wasn't even worth it.  seven, eight people showed up.  a handful of individuals, coming to see what the fools are up to.  and we struggle and stress to get something good together, but after more than 10 years, the hype seems to be gone, at least for me.  i'm okay with it.  too many other things to focus on right now.

thanksgiving was okay.  my daughter and her child and her 'other', and my son had dinner with me, broke bread.  my brother came by later.  i did no cooking for our dinner, only cooked a turkey for my parent's house.  i was okay with that.  i was glad to have my children there.  i'm ready to get through the end of the year.  i don't have any plans.  just keep trying to push through the membrane, try to see what's on the other side. 

there is change happening, change that i want to see happen, change that doesn't care whether i like it or not happening as well.  i'm good either way.  i know i can see the end of the road, at least more clearly than i can see the beginning when i stop and look back.  all i see is road behind me, but there's a shimmer up ahead.  and i want to get to it, as the best me i can be.  i want to know that Tim.  I want TOTI, the Tim on the inside, to know the hidden Tim, i want him to approve of what we can be, buy in so the work we put into our lives can begin in earnest.  i think it's possible, and i think he's starting to get it too.

but, the dark spot.  waiting to get home so i can see if these folks mailed out the check they were supposed to direct-deposit.  bank account unfed.  and it hearkens back to PCS in the first month, not getting my money and feeling like i needed to attack the problem.  this time, though, i only feel like i need to take the appropriate steps and accept Jehovah's will as what the situation calls for.  i am fed by His hand.  i will continue to be fed in such a manner, unless i lose sight of the blessing. 

that's kind of it for now.  that's where the Journey has taken me.  i'm ready to get home.  i'm ready to start the weekend.  thank you, Father, for seeing to my well being, every day. 

Reaching Back, Pt 1

so, it's Sunday night now.  it's been a pretty good weekend, to me anyway.  I got no complaints tonight.  i's just after 6pm.  I've just finished eating my dinner, the dishes are washed.  I swept my floor and found a tiny, tiny bit of mouse evidence, so I suppose tomorrow I'll load a trap or two and see what it produces, but for now, compared to the army that was running through here, shitting all over my stove, i'm not traumatized.  and that's all that matters, at this time. 

i'm trying to do different stuff.  it's not easy, but it's not the hardest thing in the world, either.  like, I should take my shower tonight, but i'm not going to. i'm going to take some cold medicine shortly, get myself into the bed and get some sleep.  tomorrow shouldn't be terribly difficult, but it is a work day and I want to get up, get my exercises in, get cleaned up and take my meds and meds and get it in, get it done.  Monday work, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday off, Friday work, and the weekend off.  it will leave me a day short, but I think i'm going to survive that.

yesterday I went with Syd to get her some clothes.  did I write about that already?  anyway, she needed some stuff, and she didn't have the money and I did.  so we went to Gabe's and she checked the clearance racks and found herself some stuff, and we got my grandson a coat and some toy cars, and I found a pair of Sketchers for myself.  and we went to lunch and I took her home.  that was a day.  today, I did my meeting.  I opened it, set up, chaired and did the treasury for my friend who went to the game with his son, and I went to the store afterward to get what I wanted for dinner today.  but that's not what the title is about, obviously. 

this is Delia.  she is one of my dear friends, whom I only recently spoke to.  as in today.  as in this morning. as in, Reaching Back.  part one.  

she is a friend from my Columbus days, but she's so much more than that.  they all are, I know.  but this woman...when Chris first decided to explore her sexuality and pulled everything apart (inadvertently, I'm sure 😑…) this woman was the glue that held me together.  she became my best friend, and we bonded because the woman that she was in a relationship with was pretty much doing her the same level of bullshit that I was being done.  we started hanging out, she became my security and my mental bodyguard.  we became spiritual siblings.  she is a black panther, long before Disney bought the rights.  she looked out for me, cared for me, and I did the same for her.  we were each other's truth.  

I moved back her and it hurt her, but we survived that.  but I underestimated my level of depression that I was living under at that time, far deeper than I had believed.  I guess I thought I was indestructible and I was wrong.  her mom, also a friend of mine, died, in a very horrible way, in Delia's car, and she was undone.  and I wasn't there for her.  not even for the funeral.  and she was angry with me, as she had every right to be.  and I just left it alone, because I knew i'd fucked up, but with depression, that's not unusual.  you know you have messed things up, and you feel worse, and you dig in deeper.  well, I don't even know how long it's been.  hold on...okay.  2014.  five years.  five years ago, her mom died.  five years ago was the last time we talked.  and I have missed her every day, but I am a man and I take the weight of my actions.  didn't used to, but I do now.  

thing is, I've realized some things, and i'm working on the premise of those realizations now.  like, if I've isolated myself, cut myself off so much from people that when the Unnameable One leaves town I fell despondent, how do I make that right except by trying to 'clear away the wreckage of my past?  that's from the chapter titled 'A Vision For You' in the Big Book.  so I reached out to Delia and a woman named Patrice through text.  Patrice, I didn't think I'd hear back from. Delia, I thought it could go either way.  but she confirmed it was still her, and I asked for permission to call and she called me on her way to her meeting and we talked.  and it was a nice talk, and I miss the fuck out of her and told her so, and soon enough, we'll get together.  and that's good, because restored friendship or not, I needed her to know that I KNOW I fucked up, and that i'm sorry, because I can't make 5 sober years of silence right.  but I learned this from going through this with another friend.  and I guess that's part of the importance of these lessons as well.  if they're friends, you survive it all.  if they're not, you don't really want to keep things going anyway.  win-win, more or less.

so, i'm trying to clear slates.  trying to get my life back.  the ride nears its conclusion.  it has to.  and at the end, I just want to be known as a stand up motherfucker, someone who went from 'consistently inconsiderate' to someone whose word was worth more than it's weight in gold.  if I get there, it's by God's grace and I'm thankful for the distance I've come so far.  if I don't...I take the blame, my own self-will will have gotten in the way and I will deserve whatever comes to those who can't get around their own ego.  

good night.  

 

 

 

Different Kind of Saturday

well, it's Saturday evening.  not a bad evening.  not a bad day.  i am glad to be able to say that, and the Journeying continues. 

i worked my days this week.  Wednesday through Friday.  I didn't get my meeting in, nor did i get counseling.  missed both, feel the lack of both.  but i am trying to get my feet set solid on this new job, in this new life.  and i can take a hit to get a read on the opposition, so that i can better fight in the later rounds. 

work wasn't bad.  i had moments.  i had moments of feeling like it was getting away from me, but that's how I always feel when i go into a new situation.  i have to conform to the way things are supposed to be done.  i have to adhere to protocol.  i broke protocol, trying to see if things can be different.  too many layers of scheduling to just change shit midstream.  so i am trying to get my feet down flat.  trying to get my foundation set.

i got through it though.  and i hung out with She Who Shan't Be Named, and that was a nice night.  and i had a hard time getting to sleep, but that was okay.  because today was Saturday.  a day off.  and i woke late, later than usual anyway.  and i woke dragging a bit, but i woke.  and eventually i prayed.  and i got my exercises done.  and i had breakfast and i cleaned my kitchen.  made a chicken salad.  got some beef stew bowled up for my parents.  went to their house and did clothes and helped my mom pay some bills.  made them breakfast.  paid my internet bill, finally.  got my clothes folded and bagged up after 'The Maltese Falcon' went off.  then i went to get Syd.  we went to Gabe's so she could get herself some clothes.  got my grandson a new coat.  got myself some new sneaks.  got my grandson a pack of little knock-off Hot Wheel cars.  and i took Syd to lunch.  then i came home.  hung up some clothes that need to dry more, got my work clothes in the closet for monday.  been chillin ever since.  no reason not to.  not many calls.  no need for them either. 

because i haven't been isolated.  i haven't hidden away.  i did my thing, and i'm going to get some sleep soon.  i have a meeting tomorrow.  i have to order this food for Wednesday, the anniversary meeting.  i have to get my shit fully together for Monday.  won't be a lot of work, but i'm hanging til the end.  it's cool.  i just want to keep exercising, keep moving, keep tuning in to my family, so that i can be what God wants me to be.  and that's all the activity i really require.  the plan is in place.  the rest is just a matter of staying the course. 

i am glad to write this today.  i am grateful to Jehovah.  this is not owed to me, therefore i am blessed.  time to shut it down. 

Breaking Orbit...

it's a new day.  Wednesday.  first day back to the job since last Thursday.  I feel pretty good.  I got up sluggish, looking for excuses to not exercise, then I got up and got them in.  said my prayers, took my medicine, read my meditation and scripture, just finished breakfast and it's about a quarter to six.  Sent out my good morning texts.  now i'm going to wash up and get dressed, get there early so I can get my schematics lined up for the day.

funny, the change to this new vibe hasn't been as extreme as I thought it would be.  at PCS, I would just now be pulling up to the building, maybe in another 10 minutes.  I would unlock the door with the key in the lockbox outside, I would turn on the lights, get my paperwork together, get coffee started and do my pre-trip on my bus.  here, I will pull up about 7, get into the building with Rebecca, the primary receptionist, get the printout of pick-ups for the day, go over my times and miles, make sure the van is okay, which just means no flat tire, gas in the vehicle and ascertaining whether it needs some cleaning.  then i'll wait until it's time to grab my first person and i'll get it going.  I may take my tablet today, try to be constructive between riders.  that was my plan anyway, since i'm taking my carrying case with me.  but it will mostly be done for me, and all I have to do is maintain competence.

that's not to say I don't miss the other job.  I miss some of the people, all of the clients I've dealt with.  but I thought adjusting times and habits would be harder than this.  maybe it will yet.  I don't think there's a timetable for change.

anyway, I have done some productive things over the past couple days.  been to my foot doctor, reached out to the editor of the Buckeye Review to see if he has anything for me to write, and to ask both those individuals to consider networking the friend who goes unnamed, to help her get a hand up to some next level shit.  I've been in touch with Syd, and am thinking on how I can be of assistance to her.  she's never out of the equation, but I know she is trying, and she is laboring under the weight of some of her prior neglect for development, and I know what that's like, as she probably got that from me too.  so I will help her learn to help herself, and I will help her maintain until she can.  but I won't carry her.  I've seen the results of that in lives close to me, and I see no good outcome from it.

I am ready to get this day moving.  it feels as if i'm actually moving now, as if things have finally started again.  like, the silence of the engines stops being noticeable until they start again, then you realize how damn quiet it's been.  but i'm going to get dressed, get myself ready to pull out and get this day under my belt.  3 work days, the weekend, one work day, then two days off.  can't really complain about that kind of work week.  thank you, Jehovah, for setting me on this new adventure.

Long Days, Lonely Nights...

so, I've been coming to some decisions.  not decisions to pull my shirt up grandson-style, posing for the cameras.  no, I've been thinking about where I truly am at this point in my life, where I want to be, what I want to be doing, and how i'm going to go about getting there.  I mean, this is a Journey, and I've been treating it like an Orbit for the last couple of years, haven't I?  and that's not cool.  not in the least.  especially when the thing i'm orbiting is my own oversized ego, and i'm sick of the fucking view, for real. 

let's start with today's mindset, but with a very quick update from Friday and Saturday.

Friday, I had counseling.  I spoke about some of what i'm feeling, but not in any true depth.  I spoke of some jealousy, which is bad enough when connected to who it is connected to.  but that's not accurate, not really.  it was the easy statement, that kept me from diving down to the deep part of my heart.  which I did on Saturday.

yesterday, Saturday...the longest day.  the long, drawn out, self-pitying day. and it's not that there was no attempt at a plan of action, nor that there was not any reaching out.  I contacted some people, invited them for chili, I reached out to people I hadn't spoken to in quite some time, and I can say honestly I can now see the folly of such actions.  'hindsight is 20/20', after all.  one, no one is just going to take a spur of the moment invite for lunch or dinner, unless that's the nature of your interaction with them already.  and as far as calling people I usually don't...why would you answer when I never call?  but I didn't get all that until the end of the day, to be perfectly honest.  

so I fumed.  I talked to my son.  I decided to look inside, again, for the first REAL time in a long time. and I had to acknowledge some things. like, one, there was no jealousy.  it was MISSING someone's company, pure and simple.  you don't bug someone when they're on vacation.  so you wait, and most of the time, if it's the only regular person in your life, you suffer without them.  that's the rules of engagement in this shit.  and I did, and i'm glad I did.  because if I didn't have any emotion behind their absence, it would really say quite a bit about what I really think about their PRESENCE, wouldn't it?  wouldn't really mean much one way or the other.  and that's inaccurate.  so I miss her.  and I faced up to it, and I decided I needed to do something today, Sunday.  I needed to do some things for ME.  and I need to KEEP doing some things for ME. because I want my life back.  AGAIN, I know, but that's what time it is.  

so today.  Sunday.  I took a shower.  I got up and prayed and took a shower.  I shaved my head.  I made myself breakfast.  took my meds, read from Matthew, the chapter I'm currently on, and my meditation books online, and I put clothes away.  I planned my dinner.  I got dressed after I put away the few clothes I had from the wash.  I went to my parents after I put gas in my car. I went to the store.  I went to my meeting.  I went to the Butler Art Museum, saw some of the new exhibits and some of the classics.  like that Mellencamp piece on the first floor.  I went to get the last of the things I needed from another store, though I forgot dish liquid and deodorant.  I came home. talked to my daughter for a long conversation, made my dinner and ate.  i'm about to take out a bag of trash after I sweep my floor.  I've done my dishes. I got something to watch that's going to carry me into the night.  and i'm going to figure what i'm doing tomorrow. 

that's short range plan.  figure what I want to get done, get it done. 

Mid-range plan:  i'm going to start working to lose weight.  

yes, it seems like my motivation might be skewed, but it's not.  it plays into some of the loneliness, but it also plays more into the long range plan.  you'll see.  

I want to lose 100 pounds by my birthday.  give or take a few.  as I don't know exactly what I weigh now, but I know I weigh more than I want to.  I want to be at, or close to, 300 by my birthday.  that means a loss of about 20 pounds a day.  on that note, it means no more fast food. PERIOD.  no more bread, no more heavy starches, no more of this grab and gobble bullshit.  PERIOD.  no more sugar and starch desserts. PERIOD.  AND IT MEANS EXERCISE.  so, since I abused my privilege at the JCC and likely deprived someone else of a membership, i'm going to contact Planet Fitness and get a membership.  i'm going to need to accept God's discipline, and someone else's discipline on this level of existence.  and it comes down to some simple shit.  do I want to be better, feel better, live better?  or do I want to die like this?  it should be a simple answer, and for once i'm going to try my absolute damndest to keep it simple. 

Long-range first plan:

for my birthday, I want to take a trip.  me, myself.  not a trip with anyone that I miss now. not a trip with anyone I would like to be with.  a trip for myself.  but I want to go somewhere that has a reputation for friendly people who are glad to engage someone they don't know.  not somewhere where the friendliness is a prelude to a mugging.  not somewhere where I will be at a disadvantage from not knowing the language or customs.  somewhere I can be me, do me, and share me with people that are willing to be, do and share themselves.  i'll find a place.  I've got five months to search and put money aside.  

so, that's my NOW.  and i'm going to make myself an egg-nog shake, because tomorrow this Tim is back on the line.  and i'm cool with it.  we'll work with what we got, and we know it's enough because Jehovah always takes care of providing us with what we need, and we are very grateful for that right now.  

i'll keep you posted.  

3 Days In...

it is a strange, strange week indeed. it promises to get stranger as time goes by, but it's half over, which is a good thing.  i'm going to try not to get too lyrical, cause there's actual shit happening here right now.  but if it happens, it happens, and that's what is supposed to come out. 

so i got word on Sunday as to when I was starting work, which was Monday.  I made no fusses about it, because why would I?  i just closed up shop earlier than expected, got my ass in gear and put it down for the night.  Monday rolled in and i was there before the 8am time I was given, but as it turned out, there were no clients as some sort of administration thing was going on, so i was sent home with a couple hours logged just for showing up.  good enough, i guess.

Tuesday, I got up, got dressed (was told on Monday that i needed black pants, which i could have been told anytime before i started, but not that important) and got there at the 730 start time, before actually as i hate coming on the money. the 2nd driver, whom i'd met on Monday, wasn't there but my boss was and we got ready to go out for a client after he went over some paperwork with me.  2 were scheduled, but one cancelled before we even got started, apparently, and the other one cancelled before we got off the freeway.  i'm thinking due to the snowstorm, but you never know.  this time, i stayed for about 6 hours, had the 2 hours put on my timecard along with the 6 for 8 hours of doing nothing for 2 days.  again, good enough, i suppose. 

today was not those days.

before that, though, i'm concerned about my friend who shall not be named, as she had some disappointing things happening in the last few days.  i won't go into detail here, but i will say i hope it turns out in her favor, as she deserves a few wins, in my estimate.

so today i got up, got dressed, had breakfast, took meds and read my stuff (showered and shaved before dressing), and I got there a bit early. boss and the other driver were there, so I just got my shit in gear. we did have pick-ups, and we did them all. I got to drive, and aside from the fact that the pictured Dodge van has a seat belt that is about as loose as a nun's promiscuity, it was pretty much the regular.  just call, go pick up the person, drop them at the medical center, and if there's one waiting to go home and not another pickup immediately scheduled, take a client home.  started at 7:30, ended at 6:15 this evening.  

some of the highlights:

an old, dear friend, Denise, was one of my clients.  she was like a big sister to me way back in the days, and I had actually been trying to find her with some internet research.  so that she popped up as someone in my van was very spiritually filling.  

another lady just made me feel good, as we conversed about music and singing and playing, and it was like having a conversation in the wayback time with one of my friends from when things were much better than they are now.  no complaints.  

I was shown how to work the wheelchair hooks, which are much different than they were at PCS, and right after that we had a wheelchair that wasn't marked on the paper.  the other driver, who was shown at the same time as I was, didn't catch on to how to do it, but I did and we got the woman strapped in and safely transported.  

other than that, I will work tomorrow, i'll be off for the next five days, and then I'll work 3 days and be off for the weekend again.  I will have my Wednesdays off, but I have to work through the next week as the other driver has to go to Chicago to bring a family member here.

it was a good day, but i'm tired and ready to shut it down for the night.  but I just finished eating, and I didn't want to not log the start of this new adventure. should be a short day tomorrow.  I hope it's as full of learning as today was.  thank you, Father, for the transition into what I need. 

ACCESS TO A LIFE

A chapter closed.  yesterday was my last day at work.  I would like to say a lot of things, but I won't.  there's no need.  over the past 2 years I've spoken on all the things that have vexed and plagued me, I've spoken on my love and my hate and my pain and my pleasure.  I've spoken on my losses and my gains.  and now i'm at the end of that road and i'm heading toward a new adventure.  i'm good with it.  I think I am.  i'm sure I am, to be honest.  

but what's it like?  what was the last day like?  would it be surprising to find that it was like so many of the not-last days?  stupidity that masqueraded as someone else's fault?  on my part as well, likely.  it was cold, we ran late, there was a lot of disorder.  no one seems to know that i'm moving on to a new job, and i'm not sure why that news hasn't happened but that's okay.  I've been seen, i'm sure, as rather closed mouthed and difficult to read, and that doesn't need to change.  but I have been invited to the Christmas party, and that's a good notion.  likely won't go though.

went to dinner with Lateashia yesterday, a place where they just keep bringing meat to your table.  it was a nice time, a nice dinner, and I enjoyed myself very much.  just up from the meat coma, trying to get the day shaking.  decided just now against doing laundry today, as i'd rather get some financial matters caught up, get this stuff emailed to Nicole so she can be the newsletter lady and get dinner ready for my child and her menagerie.  

nice to be sitting in my kitchen typing on my laptop.  nice to have this moment of getting some things moving.  thankful to Lamarcus for fixing this beast for me, thankful for the past 2 years, for the friends and love I've found and for the road that now stretches out ahead.  grateful to Jehovah for allowing me to know the abundance of my blessings, and for allowing me to know that i'm blessed far beyond what I may think I know.  okay, time to make the donuts.

Mind of 1000 Pictures

so, what can i say?  a week left, a week at my current job, and then it's off to the next adventure.  and in fine fettle, i decided to bring some people together, to have a dinner on Saturday past, a chance to spend some time with some people from work that i genuinely care about, that precious few.  i am personally convinced it went well, though there may be some contention about that from others.  but i'll get it in from here, because there were no pictures taken that i know of.

start with the fact of being up on Friday night, rolling meat balls and preparing a red sauce for the pasta, which was cooked on Saturday.  this along with some basic cleaning, trying to minimize the detritus so my whole Saturday wouldn't be just cleaning and cooking.  but i did set an alarm for about 6:30am on Saturday, and when i got up i said my prayer, went to get some breakfast and went to the laundrymat.  got my clothes and bath mats washed, waited for the Dollar Tree to open to get some other things i needed for meal service, then i came back home.  i cleaned, i cooked, i put my salad together.  eventually the One Who Shall Not Be Named Here showed up, and we hung out a bit while i finished the last parts of the cooking.  then i went to get ice while she went to get some things she'd wanted to pick up for the gathering.  i made my punch and people started showing up.  Natalie (never mentioned here before, i don't think) showed up with her friend Brandi and not long afterward, everyone else showed up.  we prayed, ate dinner and the young ones played Scrabble while we older 3 watched the television. not long into that time/space continuum, Nat had to split and so did the One, and the Gentry clan followed suit, leaving me here to check my thoughts on everything.  the food was good but simple, everyone had a chance to eat and to relax.  there was a rather abrupt ending to the get together, but there's nothing more really to report on it.  don't know if we'll ever get together to do it again, but it did happen this time and if it does come around ragain it won't be with me employed where i am now. 

had my meeting today, otherwise spent most of the day in bed.  resting, recouping from the dinner.  the meeting was okay, a good number of people there.  went to see my parents, made sure they had food, got myself some dinner, ate it on my way home and now i'm ready to fade.  i'm ready for Monday, as ready as i'm going to be, i suppose.  i am grateful to my Heavenly Father, for bringing me to this day's ending, and may Your will be done.