RELATIVITY (from the Dining Room, posted today)

...been a longer minute than i'd thought...

i was listening to John Lennon this morning, 'Nobody Told Me', and the sentiment was on pointe.  i have been living in a bit of a bubble for the past week, but it's time for that bubble to burst.  it's time to get busy.

first, thank you Jehovah, for my sobriety, serenity and sanity.

thank you, VF, for reminding me of my right to be human.

thank you, Sherese, for reminding me to just start, even if it's a small start.

as a human concern, especially a human American concern, we're often taught not to need help, not to need others, to just plow and grind and push and strain even if there are no results.  i am so thankful that there are people in my life who are not the average human 'American' concerns.  thank you for my life.

let's cover a week.

on Monday last, we had our luncheon.  I thought it was nice, others thought it turned out great.  though i initiated the gathering, it was the contribution of each and every person there that made it worthwhile.  lotta food, lotta good fellowship for a non-12 step venue.  it made me happy to be around my fellow drivers and see them sort of harmonious.

that all ended with the 2nd half of the day.  i cannot go into any details about it.  promises made.  but this is my Journey, this is my life, and I havc a right to at least express the pain i am dealing with.  and it is pain, but i am dealing with it, and that is with God's grace and the blessing of people who believe in my character. and, honestly, that is the most important thing to me.

see, i've grown as a human, and i've grown as a spirit.  i've grown into this spirit that i endeavor to live now.  once, i was not even concerned about my character, seeing myself only as harmful people saw me.  in my recovery, i've learned that i have value and faults, i have strengths and weaknesses.  i have challenges and successes.  i have the ability to bring healing or harm, and i prefer to bring healing.  i am, as a child of God, able to deal with serpents and snakes, but that doesn't mean i'm immune to poison.  i won't die.  but it makes me sick sometimes.  but the sickness is a time of reflection.  how did this sickness come about?  how did i open the door to it?  what should i do differently next time it's knocking?  those are the considerations that make the difference between same ol' same ol' and brand new experiences.

some may choose to question my character, but i will not.  i do what i can, and i try to be consistent at all times.  and if that isn't enough, then i'm not the teacher in that situation, and that's okay too.  and that's the end of that.

so, Tuesday, i went to the Cleveland Clinic and saw Dr. B, and got the ball rolling on this Brachytherapy that i'll undergo in September.  i rode down with Lonnie, had a good ride and a good visit. came home and decided to clean off my porch, wipe down furniture and table, sweep and then soap-sweep the porch itself, arrange the furniture properly.  nicer place to grill, nicer place to chill.  Wednesday was when i walked into the stale spiritual air at work, which persisted until the end of the work week. but i separated myself from it, just staying away from the people, while i continued to do the things that are important to me, like making coffee in the morning, getting there early so i'm not late, being as kind as i can and as real as i'm able in any situation.

also, on Wednesday, my bus malfunctioned.  i got stuck in my first drop-off's driveway for an hour.  my bus ended up in the shop.  i've been driving the Boss' old bus since then as i wait for my bus to be repaired.  but the rest of the week was pretty uneventful.  as i said, i stayed in my own zone, did my job, went through the emotional changes that it took me through and just took it one day at a time.

this weekend, i cleaned my downstairs good and washed and dried my clothes, bath stuff and etc.  i'm getting ready for a trip to Columbus on Wednesday.  me and Syd and the grandson.  take some time away, see De'Ja and Porsha, some other folks i've not seen in a while, take some love and give some back, reset maybe, rejuvenate, perhaps, but get away from this shit? absolutely.

i have someone at the meetings signifying about me in a disparaging way.  it's an interesting thing; you know when someone is refering to you, but Carly Simon sort of took away the ability to respond to anonymous sniping with return fire with her song, 'You're So Vain'.  i can't just engage because my name has never been spoken by this person, but there is no doubt that she refers to me.  i've consdered how to respond, the consideration being the response itself, but i've not decided anything just yet.  we'll see how it turns out, if it continues.

i feel good today.  had BK for breakfast, not good, but this is not a breakfast cooking day for me.  i'm going to go to WalMart soon, get some things i need for the house, some things that i need for the meeting.  thinking i may grill tonight, not sure though.  we'll see how i'm feeling after the meeting.  see if i have any peoples visiting today.

but i again express my gratitude to Jehovah, for allowing me to 'SEE', to respond rather than react, and to prioritize according to my spiritual needs first.  Time to start the day.  Oops, it's started already...

collection of misplaced Journey entries...Lawd!

...from 6/20/19 (titled GOING'S ON)

six days ago?  about that, i guess.  I'm just tired lately, that's all.  no reason other than that.  nothing huge, no tragedies at the moment.  life stuff, which of course is arbitrary and unthinking.  regardless, it is not without detail, so a summary, to get myself back on track, should suffice.  if not, apologies all around.

to start, it's been a week of level movement.  i continue to pray, to take my meds, to read, to work and to tend to the things that God puts before me to the best of my ability.  I look after my parents, trying to make sure they have meals to eat.  it doesn't really matter if they are counting on me for that, as they should be able to count on me or someone for that.  they are both in their own habitation.  my father's urgent care visits are on the upswing again.  my brother is hurting worse than before. every day.  doesn't sound like he's having any relatively pain-free days, and that sucks.

work's been okay.  the clients have been good, getting to work safely and home safely. my route will be increasing in July, so more hours, more money.  the house is still just a place to be, but it's home, such as it is.  the writing is moving, the poetry has come back, which is nice, and i'm composing a poetry book alongside the novel that remains unnamed.

all my friends seem to be going through things, which is not good.  but there is nothing that i can really do except keep them in prayer and in my heart, which i do.  i'm working on getting the eating back in hand, not under 'control', and i just made that distinction, because i am a recovering addict, and 'control' does not exist for me.  surrender, acceptance, faith with appropriate action is how change for the better occurs.

just finished my shower and shaving, and took my meds for the day.  i'm out of milk, have to stop at the store later.  need to put in an order for some stuff for the meeting, but that's for next week, not today's meeting.  two more days of work after this.  plans for Columbus in the near future.  that's about the size of it all.  i'll talk to you later.

from 6/20 (no title)

so, i'm trying to do a quick entry, which i should have taken more time to do, but my sleep was deep and coming out of it is a journey in itself.  but i have to get this down before it goes, because it has some significance, as i remember the dream i woke from this morning.

it was a cop show type dream, but it involved someone who had raped someone that i know.  no names.  the person had been arrested after the victim had called the police to report the rape, stating that the individual was far more dangerous than the police knew.  i'm fairly sure i was one of the officers, though not as myself.

as i said, the guy was caught, was not speaking, figuring he would beat the rape charge, and there was definitely something extraordinarily menacing about him.  i continued asking others questions and eventually we looked through his van for clues and i did some real TV style extrapolations that his van wasn't so much for rape, as it was equipped for a child predator.  it was heated independently in the rear, cordoned off from the rest of the van but it was proportionate to one adult, which gave off the impression of someone smaller.  we found there'd been a rash of child disappearances in this individuals sphere of movement and when we accused him, he suddenly wanted a lawyer right then.  that was when i woke up.

thing is, i knew the people who were the victims in the dream.  so i have to pray for understanding and then be prepared to act when the dream is clarified.

that's all for now.

from 6/21 (titled (what is) Happiness)

this truth manifests itself over and over in my life, but i seem to refuse to want to learn it, or perhaps to respond to it is a better way to put it.

last weekend I made a soup for a friend who asked for soup.  they asked for vegetable soup, which is not something that i've made before but never made me think it a difficult task.  the soup turned out very well, and they and others at work seemed to enjoy it.

at the same time, i've been in the process of organizing, loosely using that term, a luncheon for next week, as a way of just doing things us for us.  it also is not really difficult, but it is involved as a process, just as making a good soup is.  there are elements that go into it, all of them have different properties and preparations, to bring out the most from each one, yet each has to act in harmoney with the others.

all that fancy talk is avoiding what the thought is. that people like to receive, and they like to follow, but they don't seem to get the ability to DO, to just begin a process and ask others to participate.

i had to learn this, over years, because of insecurities, because of my addictions, because of my introverted nature.  but when i learned it, i took it to heart, and i try to open these corridors as often as i can.  but it would be nice if people would catch on.  if people would decide that it's good to feel good, and would do more inclusive things to bring a chance for others to feel good in the things that they do.

what has that to do with happiness?

well, i grumble and complain an awful lot, but i had to acknowledge that i enjoyed having time to hang out with my fellow drivers at the last gathering we did, even though it was mostly work related.  and like, when i finally broke through my fears and began going to the sober dances and participating, i like to do the things that make me feel good. they enhance my happiness, they don't MAKE me happy. and that distinction is important, because that means the happiness is already within me.  something that MAKES me happy creates something that isn't there.  and if you can create something that an individual needs, you have a modicum, a varying degree, of control over that person.

i like making soup, because it is an offering of enhanced happiness, of life, to people that i care about, or at least that i interact with.

i like sharing experience for the same reason.  i like having time with friends and sharing love for the same reason.

that would mean that, despite my grumblings, i am happy.  i do have happiness within me.  and that's a good realization.

so i'm working on letting more of that out.  i'm working on allowing myself to be happy on the outside more.  and maybe that will just open the door for someone to come and try to kill it, as it has in the past.  but if it's in me, it's in me. it belongs to me.  and hiding it to keep it safe doesn't really sound a lot like...happiness.  does it?

it's Friday.  i've done what i'm going to do before work.  time to get dressed and get moving.  I thank Jehovah for placing Happiness within me that doesn't depend on other people for its existence, and I'm thankful for that realization at this time.

from 6/22 (titled Around the (grand)Sun)

this is the truth.

this is what it is all about.

from the time he was born, to this day when his varied family celebrates his trip around the sun, my grandson, my daughter's child, has grown.

he is developing, he is changing.  he is understanding things, and communicating and asking for understanding.  he is growing.  he was barely an armful when he was born.  i remember.  i held him, i fed him as his mother tried to fight the disorientation she was feeling, though the reasons for that escape me now.

i've watched him grow.  i've watched him gain sentience and awareness, i've watched him become prescient, in his own way.

the things he sees...the things he has been a witness to, already in his life.

i can only say that i appreciate him, i love him to the bone and breath within me.  i can say that i am proud of my daughter and of Joe, his father, for bringing this child into the world, though their troubles have not ended as a result.

i am tired, my leg hurts, i'm using my cane and i'm hungry.  i have chores to finish and more things to do tomorrow.

but for now, my grandson is celebrating a year of life.  that's enough for the moment.  that is more than enough.

thank you, Jehovah.

from 6/25 (titled Time Passes (it does that))

well, it's tuesday.  and i'm off work today, so i can go to the Cleveland Clinic to start the real process of treating this thing.  i'm not scared.  i'm not even worried, to be honest.  i kinda wish i'd opened their letter before yesterday so i could have gotten all that i needed gathered together.  but i have my med list and i have my insurance information.  anything else my doctors here can fax or email over.  if that's not good enough, there will be other appointments.

for now, i am going to pick up Lonnie soon and we'll start out.  8am appointment, lawd... all they had, so i took it.  he's got surgery later today, so my afternoon appointment was moved forward.

i got up with prayer, read my meditations and took my meds.  had coffee, water and a 4 pack of Lorna Doones.  that's it for now.  i'm about to get dressed, get my little bit of stuff together and go get Lonnie to roll out.  i feel a pretty good day ahead.  but we'll see.

yesterday, at work, we had a luncheon that i initiated.  it turned out pretty nice, i have to admit.  a lot of food, a lot of company, laughs and some work and some unexpected smiles.  and there was still the tension and the simmering of the problems that plague us, but i never thought a lunch would just remove that shit.  i felt a lunch would give us a chance to interact that we don't usually get, and it did that.  we had a good day, some good times.  and we may have more. only Jehovah knows for sure.  but we have that, and that will have to be enough for now.

i have raised my daughter and have seen my son doing his profession and pushing his boundaries.  i've become a better son to my parents, at least by my reckoning, and i've seen my grandson, my namesake, travel one time around the sun on planet Earth.  i have been loved and i have been alone.  i have written my books, my poetry, sang my songs and stood on some stages and accepted the will of an audience.  i feel okay with whatever comes, because the sum of all my yesterdays is a not too bad today.

thank you, Father, for perspective.

i'm done, got to roll.

...In My Head...

it's Thursday morning, and once again i'm up way too early.  been thrashing about since about 2, little before.  so i'm being a bit productive now, having read my scriptures, my meditation books, taken my pills and my insulin.  i'm currently heating fish and a chicken wing for my breakfast.  it's a rare 2 cup of coffee morning, but i'll suffer later.  it has to happen, because i'll be in a lack of sleep.  but i'll be seeing Syd and the little guy and we'll be going to get some brunch, so i'll get by. 

i am thinking way too much lately.  as i showered, i thought about a brother from the Kingdom Hall who just died in the last couple days.  not an old man, vibrant and earthy in his faith, which is something in a religion that tends to make people move toward a hive-persona of sorts.  but he had been sick for a while, i am told, and he was at the Hall on Sunday, and I heard his voice as i cooked dinner for my parents and my mother listened in on their phone line, and now he's gone.  and it made me think about my sponsor, and how much i miss him, and how i go to meetings and things are so different now i can't feel his presence there anymore.  and that makes me think of so many others, gone since 1988, so many that i've known, so many faces that are stuck in my head that never materialize in the real world anymore.  it makes me think about my brother Rob, just trying to fight off whatever was broken in his brain, in and out of psych wards, with a woman who loved him staying with him. Rob, a gentle spirit born to a crazy family, Rob who had a cancer in his tonsils that found a way to kill him.

i went to my kidney doctor on Tuesday.  i haven't lost any weight, and i am depressed about that.  i can't find any lasting motivation. nothing means very much to me. funny.  i have a practically new car, new to me by any stretch, and all i can think is 'when is the other shoe going to drop?'  i haven't been this pessimistic in years.  is it just the recent losses? Rachel is in the midst of a storm, Lonnie is catching hell just trying to take care of his family.  my Dad and Mom are both trying to figure out what comes at the end of physical life.  i'm in the house of my grandparents, where they both lived and died.  my grandson, my namesake, is life on the other end of the spectrum, but we are all born dying.  and that is what i though the other day.  seeing a deer laying on the side of the road, legs stiffened out in rigor as if he was just sleep standing and someone tipped him (or her, or it) over.  it was lovely a week ago, and now its pelt is mottled and soon it will be decay and rot.  just another body alongside the road, feeding other creatures who are waiting for their turn.  is that what we all are?  are we just feeding off the carcasses of the ones about to go, while others are waiting for us to go so they, too, can feed?

i need a vacation, for real.  i need to see some life.  i need to get laid. i need someone to let me put my head in their lap while i think and cry.  i could use someone else's meal. someone else's cooking that i don't have to pay for because of not having a completely working stove at the moment.

i'm whining, but i'm purging.  i am grateful.  my gout has eased back quite a bit.  i have coffee to make, and electricity to brew it.  i am going to wash clothes, and i have a washer that works.  i don't have all the answers to everything.  i'm not even supposed to. i'm supposed to find the answers i need, and share the answers i find with those who are seeking answers. 

today is all i have.  so far, so good.  thank you, Father. 

this is going to be a rough day, i'm afraid.
but life goes on.

it's about 130 now.  tuesday morning.  i have a gout flare in my left foot, treating it as best i can.  no gabapentin today, took one last night and i don't do a lot of that.  prednisone, allopurinol and colcrys. cherry juice, bought for me by my friend and benefactor VF.  it's helping, slowly. 

yesterday was a good day.  i got through work fairly well, clients were in good spirits.  i saw my mom, made her a sandwich, got coffee ready to brew this morning for her.  had a good lunch, a not as good dinner but not as bad.  minimal sweets.  i've been feeling kinda rough.  got a cold, got my breathing off.  i go through this, but i have to be careful.  sometimes it feels as if my heart meds aren't working quite right, but i can never be sure of that. 

what's with this early morning thing?  balance.  i could have gone right back to sleep, but nothing in me felt that the course to take.  it's amazing how little interest i have in former things.  isolation is sort of the norm now, and i don't like that, but i'm not horrified by it.  i talk to Rachel, but she is in the midst of another storm, and i don't even try to get time out of it.  we did go to dinner on Friday, but that was exception rather than the rule.  everyone is in a period of tumult, it would seem.  my daughter's time is coming. my grandson's as well.  mine also, it would seem.  but what is there to do, except remain faithful and walk in truth and spirit?

i am taking my parents the rest of the ribs and chicken i did on Saturday.  gonna take the 2nd in command a plate also.  i'm about to get up, take my shower and shave, get myself ready for the work day ahead.  no point wasting time laying here doing nothing. 

i woke up with my back drenched in sweat.  i've had very vivid dreams lately.  something is coming, i know that for sure.  but there is no advantage to be gained by preparing for phantoms.  you can fight what has substance.  you cannot fight possibilities. 

thank you, Jehovah, for a life with purpose and substance. 

another Sunday

the weekend creeps along toward its ending.  a night of sleep, of dreams.  P-Funk keeps coming into my head at night.  sick of it.  sick of good feelings about times not coming back again.  except i find myself inserted into them.  pretty strange, recurring, guess it's still about making the amend to myself, being willing to let go of the resentments, being willing to accept what i can't change and having the courage to change what i can.  reasonable, eh?

sunday morning, and I won't forget my prayer.  i had a very chill day yesterday.  i had a hard time even getting out of the bed, just because i didn't want to do the 'force responsible action' bullshit.  i did get up, said my prayers, read my meditations and scriptures, and took my medicines.  i had breakfast.  i dried and folded my clothes.  and eventually i went to the store and got some stuff to round out my grilling and my dinner plans.  then i spent the rest of the day grilling.  did some legs and wings, did some spare ribs and tips.  wanted to grill a steak for my dinner last night, but i miscalculated the coals, so that was a pan-sear.  funny.  started a potato in the coals that didn't finish, and it didn't finish in the microwave either.  but i had to laugh and thank my Father, as the potato was HUUUUUUGE and i didn't need the whole thing for dinner anyway.  so i had about a third of a baked potato, broccoli and a steak.  not bad. 
i am going to get up shortly.  i'm going to finish up my dinner for here for today, as Syd is supposed to come by.  regardless, i've got food for days and i'm going to enjoy.  these ribs are better than the last ones, and they're just from the grill, which is AWESOME.  going to make scalloped potatoes and some cabbage to go with it, maybe a sweet potato pie, haven't decided yet.  but for now, my prayer, my readings, my meds, my gratitude and a writing i'm going to do on FB to share this recent journey, to try to give experience as instruction perhaps, definitely leave it out there if anyone wants to partake of it.  i am grateful today.  meeting at one, and i'm going to go because i have to be an example and can't keep being the exception to how things should go. 

thank you, Jehovah, for your will taking place.

Growing Up

there is something in this picture that moves me. 
no, it's not the car, and i am blessed and happy with the decision to purchase this car.  it is a further step along the line of becoming, to take on a responsibility, for a person who was once accurately labeled 'consistently inconsiderate', and that by a friend. 
the photo is one i allowed to be taken.  i'm not at my best.  i didn't shower and shave to go to this dealership.  i didn't present myself at my 'best'.  i got up and got into the day after prayer and reading and medications, after turning my will and my life and my path over to the God of my understanding, Jehovah.  i took a 'me' day because it was what i was led to do, and i got done what i was led to get done.  the people treated me like an adult because I AM AN ADULT, and that's the whole deal.  i've grown up.

i am 51 years old now.  my daughter is 20, my son will be 30 soon.  i have a grandson who will be one in about 14 days.  i work a steady job of responsibility for the care of developmentally disabled persons who need care, and i provide trust and stability their loved ones and guardians can count on.  i have bank accounts, i have savings and i am not rich, nor will i ever likely be.  i've been married and divorced, i have had women and now live alone.  i take care of parents i was once very neglectful of.  today i'll be taking my father money for staying in his property. 

i am blessed.  coffee is now brewing automatically in my kitchen.  i've just woke up to start this day.  i'm about to pray, to get things going, because nothing happens without turning it over to God.  and that's the best thing.  when i stopped 'trying' to grow up, it happened.

thank you, Jehovah, for my life. 

Summer Cold, Winter Weather

you get tired.  it happens.  life just keeps going on, and that's a good thing, but sometimes it's a not so good thing.  but you get tired, regardless.  people act like they can just change the batteries stuffed up their ass and they're going to run like they always did.  but at a certain age, you understand the truth.  it's more like a cell phone battery.  you can replace it, and get some energy, but the parts wear down and the battery got nothing good to charge up anymore.  and that's life in entropy.  it happens. 

lose touch.  lose days.  but they're not lost.  i've been eating fucked up again.  doesn't take much.  i don't even know why.  not losing fast enough?  i don't think that's it.  i'm just in a 'don't care' kind of mind right now.  but it's going to get better.  i'm not all out of sorts, i'm just tending toward sloth and procrastination.  things i'd rather not face, i'm sure.  and to do that successfully, i eat and anesthetize.  but i'm going to face this shit, and i'm going to get past it.  that's where my head is at right now.

good day.  i'm off tomorrow.  appointment changing in Cleveland because my doctor referred me to the wrong specialist.  well, it doesn't exactly soothe my nerves.  but human shit is human shit.  i'm going to take time to really hunt for a car.  let my mechanic know he can roll when he's ready.  bills are paid.  house bills, anyway.  gonna get my dad his rent money.  got to get some groceries, but that'll be this weekend.  got all my meds, been reading and chilling, but i need to shake this fucking chill off and get hot with my work.  that's the deal. 

i'm blessed today.  thank Jehovah for the eyes to see the blessing, for the heart to feel it and the discernment to try to pass it along to someone else who may really need a bit of a blessing.  out. 

Got sum Ground to Cover...

...and honestly, not a lot of time.  so let's get this in and over, and thanks for waiting up with me. 

to begin, it' sunday night.  i'm not long in the house for the 2nd time.  1st time, it was from my meeting today, which was very terse for me, as i was dealing with some very negative emotions concerning a certain person.  i've written about her before, in this Journey.  someone who i've found to be disingenuous, calculating and fake as the print that comes from seven dollar bill plates. but the thing is, that means i'm judging her.  and that means, simply, that i'm in the wrong.  and i have to do something about that.  and that's the pain in the ass with recovery.  i can't just dwell in the negative and not own my part, if i want to continue to grow and change.  so i went to the meeting, though i didn't want to go.  and i stayed til the end, though i thought about leaving early.  but i was very bristly, very abrasive, and it showed.  i don't hide my disdain well, don't find much reason to try anymore.  so, there's that.  and i have to work on it and i have to get past it and i'll likely have to make an amend for my part in it.  but that's when i get there.  just to let you know, ain't perfect at all...ain't even close.

so then there's the deal with my dad.  we've spent some time together last several days.  going car hunting, riding and eating and talking.  it's been fun, but i've had a mission that is on my plate and i have had him with me, 25 percent, to help me with his knowledge and his resources.  and that's not happened yet, and it may not.  my dad is as old-school as they get, and in a tech savvy, sociopathic world, that doesn't always manufacture results.  he is like a kid more now than he was when i got back to youngstown.  something about the time away from work and all that he knew and was at GM has taken quite a toll on him.  but it's the way he just keeps searching for his relevance.  like, he knows it's out there somewhere, and if he just keeps doing the shit he's doing, he'll find a way to be important again.  trouble is, he's already important.  to my mom, who needs to lean on him more,, though she doesn't want to.  to his kids, who are concerned about his well being.  to his grandchildren and great-grandchildren, to whom he is the  patriarch of our family.  to his own extended clan, of which he is an elder now.  it's funny...i look at him and say these things, and  i think to myself, 'how our roles change as we get older', and i realize i must apply that same philosophy to myself.  but today, well, it was a bit different.

he fell and my mom called and asked if i could take him to urgent care, and i said sure.  and i'd eaten and was in the wind-down process so it wasn't the biggest deal.  but i saw that he was sort of 'force-limping', though perhaps it was my imagination.  and on the ride to the care center, he kept flexing his hand, as if he were testing to see what exactly was broken on it.  which was, of course, nothing. 

no breaks, no bad stuff, and he was out of the urgent care in 2 hours.  and then he was moving slow, and talking to another nurse about something he didn't understand, and i was losing my patience by then, because i needed to be shutting down for work tomorrow.  and then...he wanted to stop.  at a church.  on the way home.  close to downtown, so taking the freeway quickly was out.  to get a book, which he left out of the church without.  and left the church not limping. and left the car at the church using the hand he kept flexing to see how badly it was hurt. so, i sat silent, and i took him home, and i've come home.  and i have toi pray on that and meditate and will end up needing to amend that as well. 

i am tired.  i'll be getting up to shower and shave.  coffee's ready.  had a power outage this morning, so i had to reset everything.  i'm weary.  i've experienced some emotional tension that made my neck snap, crackle and pop.  but i'm alive, i'm clean, i'm ready for tomorrow should i be blessed with a tomorrow.  i thank my Heavenly Father for my earthly father, and for family and for the changes i still need to make.  that's it.