the dog and pony show, likely part one

so this is one of those days.   one of those out of my mind with anger, want to tear some shit up days.  the feeling stays with me right now.  i know it will pass, but it's here now and i can't really focus away from it.  

i started the day well enough.  i got up and prayed, had coffee, read from my daily scripture book my mom gave me, and i saw Syd off for school.  i had breakfast after my meds and my insulin.  I lay back, after deciding the course of prudence.  I had some idea of what the peer support position i applied for would consist of and didn't want to be exhausted for what could and did turn out to be lots of walking.  

i got to the help hotline center a little before 830 and met the crew I'd be working with, including SL who vouched for me.  went out with Martin, who seems to be the head guy in the outreach for that office.  we went downtown, walked through different areas and talked with some people who are clients of the facility.  i can't go into much, because that is likely confidential information.  but it was informative, and much of it just made me sad.  i may not have the temperament for this work, it will have to come into my prayers for guidance.  

at a soup kitchen, just as one example, there was a mother with her three very small children, and the children seemed to be just normal, ordinary kids with their mom.  but they'd been there, it seemed, the entire morning, and were waiting for lunch.  i am afraid they may possibly still be there, waiting for dinner.  it seemed she had nowhere to go.  and that's the part that's sad for me.  a country of wealth consolidated into one percent of the population, and the discrepancy is so great that so many in the 99 to 100th percentile have nothing at all.  no home, no food, no shelter, no vehicle, no job, no nothing.  they're not really covered by the American Dream.  and i've always known that, but i have had some distance, usually.  i was also told about the tent cities down by the bridges, but that's enough of that to make my point.

then...the dog and pony show, better known as the meeting.

it was watching dysfunction breed dysfunction.  the guy who was chairing the meeting had asked a woman to speak, or lead, at the end of the month, as per our format.  the woman asked to lead is emotionally and mentally unwell, with a host of issues plaguing her at this time.  it's not hard to see at all.  it involves having eyes and a heart and discernment.  many people sacrifice those things, however, so they don't have to look into the mirror that another person is to themselves.  this woman has been a disruption in every meeting i've seen her at.  i had been irritable to a great degree, but in the last two weeks, my eyes began to open a little wider.  i began to see that she is having some problems, some of them very obvious, and no one was really taking time to check her or see where she's coming from.  including me.  And that was not worthy of me, and it definitely didn't reflect well on my relationship with God.  so saturday, i decided to speak to her. i told her i needed to know what was wrong with her, what was going on with her, so that i could try to be of assistance to her, because the meeting deserved a better her, and that was our jobs to see if that was possible.  i didn't elect to sponsor her, but i chose to try to help her through her steps.  this was after prayer, as i didn't want to jump off into self-will.

a word about leading a meeting.  a speaker, traditionally, is a person who has worked through their steps, who has a working recovery program, who has some experience to share about working through some problems, situations or issues.  in our literature, it says we tell a little bit about 'what it used to be like, what happened and what it's like today'.  that comes as a result of working a program.  if a person is not working a program, they only have their opinions and their pain and dysfunction to offer someone listening.  that is the norm, most of the time.  it's not engraved in stone, however, as nothing is.  But that was the real reason for me wanting her to wait.  because she is a collection of issues and isms.  she is just starting on a fourth step journey, inventorying her self to find the truth and the road out of the thick forest in her soul.  

but when someone who is chairing, or facilitating, the meeting doesn't care, when asking a dysfunctional person to speak means that they themselves can continue to hide, it doesn't matter if its right or not.  it only matters that they've justified it in their head and they're going to roll on that no matter what.  and so, she spoke.  and she did as well as she could.  she had no hope, and very little recovery experience to share.  she didn't do a drunkalog, as we call just talking about the euphoria of recalling the drinking escapades.  but she did okay.  she prayed and turned it over and \God gave her a message.  

but i am tired of having to deal with grown people as if they were children.  i am weary of fights for nothing, of principles that are not adhered to but are just bandied about and tossed on the floor when they get too complicated.  i'm tired of the feeling i have right now, still six hours later, of wanting to throw up because i'm so mad.  

i don't see change for the better coming.  but i see change coming.  i think it is time to seek shelter from the storm.  

the weight of good days

well, as we're beginning our flight path today, a bit late though, it seemed best to start with this entry.  missed yesterday, because there was quite a bit going on.  but i want to get in an early log, to make sure i hold myself accountable.  when I finish this, i'm going to get into my shorts and shoes and head for the gym, first time in two weeks. and my brain is trying to talk me out of it.  so there you go.  one moment, going to put eggs on to boil.

i determined yesterday that it was all getting away from me.  that's especially detrimental, because the corner is right in front of me, and i can turn it and start something better at any time.  and it's scary down inside.  or, rather, it's scary on the surface.  TOTI, my friend who hasn't been mentioned in quite some time, has always been prepped for success.  but my external, the fearful, timid and sabotaging adult i've become, is scared shitless at the prospect of doing better things, succeeding at the book sales, making a difference and being truly happy.  so i've gotten insulated again, i've started rationalizing and making excuses for being lazy, and i've been hiding in my apartment.  can't keep going like that.  R says that since she put distance between us i've been being blessed.  she's partly joking.  but the truth is, i stopped focusing on strengthening us, and TOTI has been able to work on strengthening me.  and it's worked.  but now i'm trying to backpedal, and that's not going to be permitted to continue.

i did the things i needed to do yesterday and it was a restful day.  i prayed and ate, i didn't write but i worked on the recording app i installed and started seeing how the sound would be for the advertising i plan to use it for.  i saw Syd's nephew, Porsha's son London for the first time and hung out with him for an hour before my meeting.  he's adorable, and we got along, which tells me my spirit is still in pretty good shape.  I went to my meeting and got Melona doing things to be a part of the meeting rather than being separate and controlling of the things in the meeting to avoid discomfort.  and i went to see my parents and fixed my mom a plate.  I saw my brother and his 'girlfriend', and i grilled some steak and some chicken and had dinner.  i watched some anime, i went to bed and tossed and turned for a while as i had late coffee.  it was a good day, uneventful and cool.  but it let me know that i want to have days like that more often and i have to work to strengthen the foundation for them.  funny how you find that good days can actually weigh more than bad days when you're not used to good days.  but i'm going to push on.  i'm about to get dressed, i'm going to go to the gym.  likely just work the machines, but i may do the elliptical for a few, just to get the heart rate going.  i'm going to find my title.  i am going to put my Cavalier in the front of the drive for sale until the 13th of April, and if it doesn't sell by then i'm going to junk it.  it's time for some change.  it is time for some action moving me forward.  and i am going to come back to this later and put some more down.  these aren't just markings today.  these are attainable goals.  and i'll do a checklist style review and see which i hit and which i have to put on tomorrow's list.  so, see you later.

okay, so i went to the gym, no cardio though, got there super late and did about an hour of weight machines.  I came home and made a meatloaf mix patty and oatmeal and strawberries for breakfast, took meds and insulin and am about to start working on the checklist.  it's returned to cold weather outside, so this is going to be a rather low-key day, but that's okay.  last week was a busy week, and next week is going to be hectic as well, so if i choose to move slow, it's not necessarily a bad thing.  more later.  ,

it's going on 6pm.  it's been a lazily productive day.  i took my evening insulin.  my lunch was a chicken quesidilla.  i wonder sometimes if all the words americans use for pseudo mexican food really have meanings.  anyway, it had peppers and onions and cheese.  and I had a bowl of chicken and wild rice soup from a can.  it was good after i doctored it with basil and some cayenne and a bit of salt.

i'm heating up the last of the chicken and the small steak from yesterday.  i've got the last of the potato salad and i made a green salad as well with field greens and spinach, cucumber, tomato, onion, two strawberries, a boiled egg and cheese.  i feel good, though after the gym i kind of just hung out, with no real want to do much.  i found what i had by way of a title, but it is a 'memo' title, and after calling my credit union i found i have to go to the title office in Warren to retrieve it.  that should be fun.  but i did hit my marks, i think.  i didn't move the car to the front of the drive yet, but i will tonight.  I made my for sale signs for the front and side window.  and, i think i'm going to have a job.  I got a call  from SL telling me the help hotline was asking for my number.  that's where i put the application in when i finished the training classes and where i interviewed not long after.  i was asked if i would mind coming in to shadow someone, to see how the job is done, and i was eventually given days to come in.  so, i would imagine it's mine if i choose to take it.  i have to see the starting pay and the hours.  i'm only looking for part time.  i know there's so much that you're supposed to be able to work, but i don't trust them.  they're so hesitant to provide a person with benefits, i can only imagine they'd be far too eager to snatch them away.  but it's still progress, still on the good road, still a good orbit.  Thank you, Jehovah.  i'm going to have dinner and get ready to be productive tomorrow too.

intent vs direction

another day down.  not a bad one at that.  i am finding, as i move back toward the course laid into the control panel, that it's important to remember that where i want to go and where i'm supposed to go can be two different things, and it comes down to whether i'm in self-will or accepting of God's will for me.

today i prayed and got up.  i ate some breakfast, a grandpa breakfast of bacon and eggs over easy topping a cup of rice.  i stated working on the new book and thinking about how to actually go about selling a car.  I'm pretty used to just junking cars when i'm done with them, but this one starts, it runs, it needs quite a bit of work, so i'm going to get some details, try to get it sold before the 14th of April and if that doesn't work i'm going to just take it to the crusher, because i'm not paying for tags or insurance on two cars right now.  I waited til about 9am and i went to the stores.  i got stuff to do a wedding soup.  i was looking for endive, which i've never cooked with before, and i didn't find it so i got kale and spinach.  i got little tiny pastas whose name eludes me right now and i got the rest of the stuff.  i got home and slowly worked on my soup as i wrote. I heard from R briefly but she was at the post office looking for a letter she was supposed to mail so i told her to take care of her thing and call me when she was done, which she didn't but that's okay.  i had a burger with some of the meatball mix and some wedding soup for lunch, and that was tasty, and i had a personal pizza and wedding soup for dinner.

i'd put off a task for most of the day, because i knew it wasn't going to be pleasant, but also because i didn't have a consensus on how the situation should be handled.  a girl that goes to the meetings i attend, we'll call her M, has been extremely disruptive.  she is fat and loud, and she jumps into the middle of everyone's conversation.  she performs, and she slows the meeting down to have these 'impromptu' performances with other people.  she rubs a lot of people the wrong way.  a guy i sponsor was wanting to confront her about it during our home group meeting tomorrow, but i told him i would speak to her today.  i did so because i knew the real deal would be for the people in the meeting to get enough balls to actually pull M to the side and speak to her themselves, but that wasn't going to happen.  would have in the old days, but these ain't those.  so i decided I would speak to her.  but i was torn.  do i just tell her settle down, or do i start with an amend?  i am still in the passive aggressive mode when i don't need to be.  so, i messaged her on facebook to call me after 8 and i prayed that God's will be done.  and she called and i talked to her about where she is at and i kept bringing the focus back to her.  and she is as miserable as i knew she was, and she is hurting as bad as i knew she was, and she is trying to keep the show going to keep people from seeing that.  'the tears of a clown, when there's no one around'.

i opened her up, and it wasn't hard to do.  most things can be seen by the orbit they maintain around a persons demeanor and actions.  but not if you are not trained to look for them, and certainly not if you're hiding your own shit and someone else's 'performance' makes it easier for you to hide your own stuff.  i told her i was speaking to her because i was concerned about the meeting and that if i could find out what her real story was, who she really is in essence, then i would know the meeting was going to be okay.  i knew i would have to do it, but it turned into more listening and more trying to keep the talking going.  in the end, i give her some directions for working on her first three steps and told her that she should not be on her phone through the meeting, that she needed to start talking about things that she's been keeping inside her all this time that is making her sick, and that she perhaps should consider counseling.  i don't know if it will do any good, but i know it was concern with a warning.  because i also told her that if things didn't change i would start addressing these things publicly at the meeting and it would make a lot of people uncomfortable, but that i would do what had to be done to protect the meeting.  and i meant that.

so, what i intended to be a riot act ended up being what i'm trained to do; listen, feedback, intuit, coax, pull from within and offer direction.  programming is hard to shake.  I'm glad that God knows what he's doing, and knows what i'm doing.  that makes a lot of this easier.  i'm going to bed.  it's going to be a long day.

Clarities

i started this on Thursday, but saved the content, then erased it and started again Friday morning.  I was really tired by the time i started, and didn't want to just jot to put shit on the log, because this is meaning more again.  so, yesterday and today.

i got up with prayer and a light breakfast yesterday, as i was doing lunch with Lonnie later in the day.  i got Syd off to school and i mostly chilled.  it wasn't an eventful day, to be honest.  i started cleaning in the late afternoon before i went to lunch, got the bathroom and kitchen done.  went to L'Overture, good lunch, good conversation with Lonnie.  try to keep track of him, make sure he's okay, and i'm sure he does the same for me.  told him about my motivation in speaking with Syd's mom, trying to set the emotional ledger straight, knowing the clock is winding down.  it may mean that i'm grown now, not just growing up, and not that i haven't stopped learning either.  but i don't want reconciliation.  i don't crave a friendship with Chris.  i want to not have walls that i have to maintain as my final acts on earth.  i want to be free of people in my head, period.  and i can't do that if i can't check on someone who is in my thoughts, because for me that's usually a foreboding rather than a longing to see someone.  or that could all be a clever rationalization.  but it feels right when i see it in front of me.  Chris is coming by to see Syd on Sunday.  I'll get to meet Syd's nephew, Mr. London, who apparently just got his first tooth.  so, the tradeoff is i have no problem with having people that i know in my space.  i have been blessed, and you don't just share blessings with the people you like; you share them with the people who need them, right?
i also talked to my friend Patrice last night.  we'd not been speaking for a bit.  i needed her to understand what the deal was, because of the blessing also.  sometimes i get to the point where i don't want to have to explain why i'm reaching out to someone.  Patrice has had a history of isolating.  i was one of the few people who would not just allow her to be away from everything without reaching in.  she lives in a city of sociopathic narcissist called recovering people.  i've gone to her home, witnessed the level of neglect she was living in while dressing up her depression in a bright smile and insane eyes no one else seemed to recognize, and i determined that my pre-judgement of her, based on the rumours that had abounded about her, were not reason enough for me to not know her.  and once i got to know her, i found a woman who was amazingly bright, creative, had a heart of huge giving capacity, lonely in crippling degrees, severely depressed and amazingly neglected despite all the giving she'd done with the Columbus fellowship.  she became one of my best friends.  and she would take her mental sabbaticals and i would just keep the line out in the water for her to grab when she got tired of holding her breath.  but she's had trouble doing the same for me.  and it's gotten worse as we've gotten older.  she's going to be 60 in September, and I know she's in a tightly controlled tailspin.  but i have gone through things, and i've reached out, and i get no answer when i call, and i get no callback when i know her cell phone has caller ID like mine does, and i finally felt, fuck it.  i am dealing with things, pretty much by myself since reaching out does no good, and so i guess i'll just not reach out.  and that's what i did.  and she reached for the line and it wasn't there.  and she checked in and i told her that i wasn't mad at her, as she thought i was.  i told her that i was dealing with stuff, i was going through some changes, and since i couldn't get her or anyone else (dramatizing) to respond, and i had to deal with them by myself, then i would do that.  after a few days i got a text asking if i was still dealing with stuff and i told her i was working on it.  i texted her yesterday and told her to call me, and she did, and i laid it out for her.  not mad, thankful for her friendship and in need of her friendship, but in need of an active friendship that went both ways.  it made her feel bad, but that wasn't my intention and it's not really my concern.  i didn't ask her to change.  i just pointed out that i've tried to be an available friend to her, that i've lost a lot of people over the years and have honestly, after searching my spirit, not found anything i've done wrong.  it's like caring for people drives them away now.  a truly twisted world.  but i''m going to go and visit her soon, hang out, maybe for my birthday.  and we'll see.  but we're still friends.

today i've prayed, i've got my book open to write today, i've got insulin to take and meds, i've had coffee and i'm about to have another cup.  it was freezing when i woke up as i had windows open to air things out on the warm day yesterday and now it feels like its going to snow.  but i don't care.  i am blessed.  i am relatively happy, and life is going well.  i can't ask for anything more and i don't.  i have no plans except cleaning and maybe washing clothes today.  so i'm going to write more in this later, and i hope that the day is as peaceful as it seems to be.  later.

Point of interest.  March 17th was ten years that i've been seeing VF as my therapist, counselor and, i'm honored to be able to say, friend.  if it were not for her intelligence, compassion and caring, as well as her emotional openness, i doubt seriously if i would have the courage to be on this journey and in this orbit at this time.  So this date, of this entry, is dedicated to her.  Mazel Tov!

clearer vision

so, things are going okay.  and i'm grateful.  and i can see a little better.  and i don't feel the anxiety to such a high degree, and i know these are all blessings as of late, because things are still moving forward and I am still progressing along with things.

today was nice.  i started with prayer and plans.  i didn't have anyone to take me to do the rest of my car stuff, so I texted Jerry and he said cool.  i ate, bathed and groomed and gathered the things i'd need to take to the credit union.  he came to get me and we went to the credit union.  i signed a million papers, and we went around the corner to the car lot.  the guy had the Grand Marquis in the driveway, and I went in and signed a dozen papers and he put a temp tag on the back and away I went.  

the car runs nice.  it's going to need a few things, but that's not immediate.  but for an 01, for the price i'm paying, it is just what i wanted.  my payments are affordable, it put me in a position to begin to save some money for Syd and it gives me a much more reliable car.  i drove it to my meeting and the meeting was even okay.  we had some stresses, but they had nothing to do with me and there was nothing that i needed to do to try to resolve them.  sometimes i have to just let people be where they are.  i'm learning that.  

after the meeting, i went to see Lonnie.  we went to taco bell for lunch and he checked some of the functions of the car.  then i went to my parent's house.  mom and dad both liked the car, and I took my dad for a ride.  i went home after, fell into a nap, got up and had salmon patties and rice and broccoli again and got dressed for the kingdom hall.

tonight was the Memorial of the last supper, or Passover meal, that Jesus had with his disciples.  it is the only place in scripture that Jesus tells his people to actually commemorate anything.  it's kind of funny, because most Judeo-Christian religions have some variation on this observation.  most have it far more often than once a year, and they save the big show for Easter.  but this is very sedate, informative and it is not a long ceremony.  i went with an old friend, who invited me, as opposed to the usual congregation that i would attend, who were meeting in a large room at the Holiday Inn because there are so many of them.  though i don't have a fear of people anymore, I don't like to be more crowded than i have to be.  

i went because i know that Jehovah God has been blessing me.  I've known it all along, but i know that i have been doing some more footwork, being more disciplined and I believe maybe God is showing me that if i do my part, His part is already done.  I can't say for sure, but faith has never hurt anyone, and every day is a day to work on improving faith and actions based on belief.  i write, i sell books, i have a child about to be an adult, i have aches, pains, sickness.  but i am alive and drug free and i have both my parents still and i have a car that i like.  i will even have money for the Cavalier when someone either buys it or i junk it.  so, should I complain?  i'm thinking...no.  i'm going to be...happy for a little while, as long as it lasts.  and that's perfectly okay with me today.  i'm going to bed now.  

good tuesday so far

it's a blessing to know you're growing and getting better.  what makes it a blessing, at least to me, is that i am often my own worst critic, and to be someone who can see that there is some improvement happening is a bright spot on my horizon, and it's getting closer.

so i got up, after a night of diarrhea, gout and general aching, and i felt a tad better, though the liquid continued to pour.  i said prayers and got out of the bed.  i saw syd off to school and i had a bacon and egg sandwich.  i got back to my car search and began getting ready for the trip to Akron.

brother came through at 9 and we went to Akron.  found our way there, but the lack of good sleep (being careful not to shit the bed, literally, removes the depth of sleep) made me have to quick-correct directions often.  but we got to the lot.  the axiom proved true:  everything looks better when it's in a motion blur or a  well-staged picture.  the Lincoln looked much better from a distance.  it wasn't the surface scars i was worried about though.  when i tested it, it wasn't steering properly.  I've had cars do that, and i knew the problem was somewhere in the drive train, something going bad.  when i spoke to the dealer about it, he said some bullshit about it not being a standard power steering pump on that car and that everything was cool.  that killed the deal for me.  nevermind the trash in the trunk, the key fob not working, the interior drivers side handle being stripped of part of the molding, but mechanical issues being lied about i can't deal with.  i came home, somewhat disheartened but glad that i didn't just throw myself into something.  so i got in, said several 'your will be done, Father', and after talking to Lonnie made my way to the shop i was looking for yesterday.

i got there and checked a Dodge Avenger and was about to test drive it when the owner pulled up and said it was sold.  i told him about the Grand Marquis i saw online and he said he'd just taken it to the body shop, that he had a spot for them to work on and he'd raise the price afterward.  i said i'd like to see it.  we test drove it and it handled as nice as the Crown Vic i absconded to Columbus in back in 97.  a sign, as much a sign as starting the journey on Western Reserve Road.  i told him i wanted it, went to the credit union to be told that they couldn't find my credit application.  finally the located it, other issues ensued, and as i was finally eating a late lunch they called me and said the car was mine and i could come finish the paperwork which i plan to do in the morning.  it will cost me less than 100 a month for four and a half years.  and i am going to put the Cavalier into rehab, to try to get it up to snuff within the next year for Syd should she want it.  i feel good.  i feel blessed.  and i am very happy with my choice.  as an 01, it's an older car, but i don't care.  it fits, it runs and its cheap enough i can have it paid off early and build more credit.  and as David Byrne said, nothing is better than that.  or is it?

anyway, the gym, tomorrow for sure.  and then, on to life on life's terms.  thank you, Jehovah, for instilling patience in me.

Monday again??

well, good morning.  I'm starting early because i have no idea how long i'm going to last today.  i just finished breakfast, eggs and sausage scrambled with jalapenos and cheese and a piece of toast, blood sugar waking was 161, so i took my insulin and my meds.  i was looking online at cars this morning and saw one that i want to go check out.  i need to get to Akron, so that's the work today.
I feel some better, but i hate talking it up.  TP has hinted that it seems i'm mostly sick lately.  I don't believe that's the case, but i know i've been sick quite a bit more than i used to be.  I read a story recently about a guy, a statistician, who noticed after a point he was sleeping longer every night, like fifteen minutes longer, and he accurately predicted that when he reached the point of sleeping 24 hours he would die.  and he did.  which, i guess, how would you know if you were dead if you were sleeping around the clock, right?  still, it was something.
anyway, talked to R again.  she's sort of fugue'ing out, and i figured that was happening.  she's going through what I believe is a mid-life crisis.  back in bars, though she's not drinking.  smoking more weed, planning a trip to Jamaica, doing her thing.  i figured it was going to happen.  Her cousin dying and her time in Florida have shaken her foundation quite a bit.  i just stay where i am, old Funkadelic song, 'I'LL STAY', it's finally rather apropos.  anyway, i'm going to make some calls, i'm going to wrangle a ride to Akron, I want a car today, if that is God's will.  If not, then i want to be on the path to having the car that i am going to drive.
still congested, still cold but the gout is the worst part today.  now it's mostly the right foot, the instep particularly.  i am walking through, without the cane, but i'm not afraid to use the thing.
i got a broken fortune cookie yesterday, with the hot and sour soup my dad brought me.  I don't believe in fortunes, but i do believe in signs.  i don't know exactly what it means, but i'm saving it.
i have to get to the gym asap.  but i'm not going to hurt myself trying to overextend.  this is going to be a day of deliberate action.  made my bed,.  going to straighten my bedroom.  going to gather clothes to wash, probably tomorrow.  going to make the salmon for my uncle and aunt.  but only to the extent that i can.  okay, i'm gone for now.

i've been out, looking at cars.  I didn't see much in the city, but i didn't really expect to.  I know i can get what i want for the money i have available, but this is not the best season.  people are people, and one of the things they do at this time of year, tax return season, is they fix up cars for stupid poor people and struggling people to come in, test drive, pay all their returns just to find they've purchased a piece of shit that they're stuck with.  it's a dumb game, because who really needs to ruin someone else's credit just to get their little bit of money when they could sell them a good running car, make a customer happy and earn a return customer at a later date?  just like myself.  I'm not going back to Herns motors in Hubbard where I got the Cavalier, because it wasn't up to snuff when i got it and they knew it.  they pressured my dad who pressured me.  but not this time.  if i do good, if i fuck up, I'll own it.  no one else, no middle men.

i'm currently making salmon and roasted red skinned potatoes for my family, part for my uncle and aunt and part for my dad and mom's house.  I wanted to do it sunday, as i said, but i wasn't up to it.  I asked my mother could she ask my aunt Michele if she could do delivery for me, but i see my mom is in typical form.  so i will just let my mom come by, since she wants to, and i'll send her with the stuff.  no biggie.  I'm getting sleepy, but there's still more time in the day so there's more to do.  I hope this next book turns out good.  i'd like R to have an idea of just how large she lives in my heart.  and if i can make some money on a great love story then why not?

Thank you, Jehovah, for showing me that patience is always possible.