this has been an interesting day.  i started at the gym, after prayer.  as i was on the treadmill i began to think about ending this year, and how i want to emerge from my exile.  i think of it that way, an exile.  exiled from the creative endeavors i used to enjoy, definitely exiled from social gatherings due to the allergic reaction i tend to have toward bullshit.  but i'm not supposed to go on alone.  and it makes it sort of impossible to move some aspects of my life forward.  to that end, i left the gym after 2 miles on the treadmill and went to visit TP to make things right.  i attempted to amend the situation.  i'm stressing that.  i did not apologize, because i did nothing wrong.  but i bridged what would continue to be a gap between us, because she's my friend and she's worth closing the distance.  i stayed and had coffee and came home.  i had breakfast with Syd, talked to R and went to the store for supplies with Syd.  TP invited me for dinner tonight, and as i had no other plans i made plans to go there.  i don't mind.  i do wish i'd been able to make plans with R, but i'm realizing now my life on hold has to end.  i want to get live again, not like i'm in my twenties but like i'm a social individual who enjoys conversation and meals shared.  no better time than the present.  perhaps i'll get to see R before she leaves for Florida, perhaps not.  that's sort of up to her.  but i am going to start being happy, and that doesn't come from anyone else, it comes from what i choose to do.  went to lunch with Lonnie and his son.  Italian Marketplace on 422 is a disappointment.  food was low end of average, at best.  now in bed, resting before i go to TP's for dinner.
the nomination campaign seems to have started strongly.  i don't know how it will sustain.  thinking on ways to get some community involvement.  people are used to doing things like this through online involvement.  i need to get shit done in real time and real life as well.  going to design some flyers to place at different social locations, recruit some help, get some of the factions in my life to work for me.  that's the only way i know to work it.  i feel positive about the whole thing to be honest.

sun still rose

i didn't go to the gym today.  getting up was hard, getting started is harder but i'm accomplishing some of it.  not much to do today, so i'm doing it slowly.  did say my prayer, did have breakfast (a sausage and egg bagel sandwich, more carbs than i should) and i did get my dad's black eyed peas together for his friday thing.  gonna take them over to the house before my meeting today.  debating on maybe getting the peoples some kind of treat for the last meeting of the year, but i don't know yet.  its cold out, its cold inside as well.  i have to get something to cook tonight, i made my bed and got my room straight and i'm just about ready to get dressed and get the hell out of here.  i feel okay now.  still sad, but that's all right.  thing is, it's going to happen.  everyone is going to die, and there's no changing that in this particular reality.  so, you just live while there's life in you and you're able to enjoy it.  some things are going to have to change.  this afternoon i'm making my first appeal to the facebook folks about my need for nominations for Mechanical Jesus on the Kindle Scout page.  it'll be available tomorrow, so i'll need as many people onboard as i can get.  it'll be fun and educational either way.  i'd like them to publish me, but i have a month to work on it so i'm not raising expectations.  gonna send a short story to a couple friends and then i'm out for now.  later.
meant to get back to this earlier.  still working on the discipline.  i have sent out link information to my contacts on both facebook pages, and i'm going to do emails later today.  i'm nervous, and that's a good thing.  but i know the writing was good, the editing is good and the book is good.  if it's nominated and promoted, it will do well enough.  that being said, i thank my Father, Jehovah God, for seeing me through this process and for the sun that rises with or without my say so, because i don't know best ten days out of ten.  later!

funeral procession

a strange day.
but there's been quite a few of those lately, to be honest.
started off simple enough.  woke up, said my prayer, got my ass slowly ready for the gym.  i threw in a load of clothes because i needed a pair of pants for the funeral.  i ran a blazing hot bath because it would be cool enough for me when i got in from the gym.  i had a cup of coffee and some water and i hit the gym.  just walked a mile today, it was good enough to keep me getting back in motion.  then i came home.  i checked my blood sugar, on the high side, and i took my insulin and my meds.  i had a ham and tomato omelet for breakfast with toast.  i took my bath, shaved and lotioned and groomed and was looking fairly fly in dark jacket, black jeans, black shoes and a deep blue/black tie.  i made sure i had everything i needed and i left for my dad's house.  that's where things began.

first, there was no coherent plan for departure, but i'm used to that.  my ex-sister in law and her new husband pulled in behind me.  i greeted them cordially, went in to see how things were developing.  my mom was over at my aunt's house already, and my dad was still getting ready.  i called my brother to see when he was coming and he said he was waiting for his ex-wife (ex-sister in law) to pick him up, so i went to get him.  then my dad was ready, the older of my two sisters was there and ready, but there were too many people to fit into the dad car.  so brother, sister, ex and new husband drove in their suv while my dad and i drove in his car.  pleasant ride, pleasant talk, i knew he was sad but he doesn't let that stop him.  i guess if he did he'd never get anything done.
at my aunt's home my mom was there, and i greeted her and cousins and eventually we were heading to the church.  i'd been informed that my aunt was to be cremated so there'd be no gravesite visit, which was a blessing.  on the way out, i was asked by a woman i didn't know, a friend of my aunt's family, if i could give her a ride to the service.  i agreed, and the woman sort of latched herself on to me, in a very 'close' way.
i have done some funerals, and i imagine i'll do a lot more before it's all over.  my aunt's funeral was nice.  but i don't like funerals.  i think they are contrived, i think manufactured grieving is tacky and i think that they are far too long.  i guess, being that its supposed to be your last good bye, you shouldn't rush them, but it was the wait to get the service started, and then the preacher having to rail for an hour after all the tributes and things, that left me a bit hollowed out.  i left before my new stalker could get her hooks into me again, after telling my dad that we were going, and i took my brother home, went to kfc to get something to eat and made my way home.

i'm still sad.  i've seen my family, my grandmother, grandfather and aunt on my dad's side, all dead and gone now.  but i also have seen how it happens, and i know it's going to happen to one of we seven offspring of my mother and father soon enough.  the sad thing is, i don't know if my mom will even realize the blessing she's received.  she has all but one of her siblings, and my dad has no one left.  if it were me, as to an extent it is, i guess i'd either make peace or clarify my war so that no questions were left unasked or unanswered at the end of the road.  but either way, it's over, my aunt is cremated and she is not in pain anymore, and God requests the spirit back when the flesh is done and that is done now.  i'm going to bed soon.
oh, the kindle scout campaign has accepted my manuscript for Mechanical Jesus.  they're going to put it up for votes for publication for a month starting the last day of December.  i am VERY HAPPY about that, anyway.  thank you, Father, for the sunlight through the clouds.

getting the engine to turn over

three days left in the year.  a new week, and a new focus.  that's a good thing.  i am in motion, but i'm trying to take time for a friend, which i hope is a good thing as well.  there is no solitary life.  there is no life outside of the rest of humanity.  there is madness there.  i've tasted that madness before.  i don't like alone time, but i can survive in it, through suffering through it and getting stronger.  those are some of my lessons for the day.

tomorrow is my aunt's funeral.  i am going to support my father.  i've said my good-bye to a wonderful woman and one of the best people i've met on this planet through prayer already.  i can do no more than that, the dead are conscious of nothing.  but i am still sad.  this is the first year i've been alive that she won't be on this planet.  as the spectre of death gets closer to you, your thoughts change, it seems.  i don't mind.  i told Syd i'm going to arrange for a natural burial.  no coffin, no service, none of that nonsense.  some have grieved me already.  some will find only bitterness associated with my name.  it's all the same when the ride is over.  

i got up late, but i got up determined.  i said my prayers, had a boiled egg and a piece of toast for breakfast.  my sugar was okay, so i got myself together and made my way to the gym.  i worked out, tried the elliptical again but didn't stay on it that long, but after being out of the gym since last tuesday, this is about getting the engine to turn over, not about getting back into the indy 500.  i came home, changed clothes and went to my parent's house to help my dad get his social work license information off the computer.  i talked with my mom, took my sister to walmart where she has an interview, went to the store to get some needed things and am now at home waiting for TF.  she texted me a happy holiday and since i didn't hear from her since i asked her to call and she didn't i called her.  she answered and i invited her over for coffee, thereby tending to my loneliness for today and allowing me to see to a friend's well being without caretaking.  i feel its a good start to the day.  i don't feel good or bad, just feel like i'm moving in a better direction than i was last week.  more later.

i had two pieces of pizza and a bowl of salad for lunch.  the pizza was an indulgence, but honestly, two pieces was cool because i could have eaten the five i had left from yesterday and then went back into sabotage mode.  everything is relative.  working on broths, so i have to figure out what exactly i'm going to make with them.  thinking a white chili with the turkey remnants.  thinking i'll make some kidneys  for myself and i'll save some of this juice for dad's black-eyed peas.  i'm going to start on the outline for THE BOOK OF OLD LAZARUS.  i want this one to be done exactly right.  my muse is going to have to cooperate on this one, because it may be the last book in the Waiting For Jesus series and i want to do justice to it.
the day ends.  i had dressing and cabbage for dinner.  no meat, but i'm satisfied.  my sugar was at 118 when i checked around five, so i only took my long acting insulin for the night.
this is going to be somewhat revelatory.  i write often about R.  i think i've chosen to allow her to the deep place in my heart.  that's not as cold as it may sound.  i love her, but there is a difference between loving someone and letting them inside, just like there's a difference between falling into and growing in love.  i want R, but i am without her most of the time.  we talk every day, and me not getting in touch early apparently got to her, as she questioned me about it and i was actually tickled about that.  however, i felt kind of sad too.  because TF made it by, and we spent the afternoon together.  nothing jumped off, but it could have, and i wouldn't have objected to it.  mostly because i realize that a lot of what is keeping R away is the closeness that we already share.  i do love her, and would commit to her completely in a heartbeat if that was her desire.  but she doesn't speak on this, so i have to respect her space.  but i am not, as mentioned earlier, a fan of being lonely.  so i make do.  and sometimes, i get company, and sometimes, that company is affectionate.  it's a test, i know.  TF was affectionate in ways that she's normally not.  i don't mean anything overtly sexual or even flirtatious.  i mean, touches that aren't usually in her skill set.  i think it's the distance that she's imposed in her own struggles; she misses me.  but even with that, it makes me concerned about her.  she hung here for hours.  and when she left, i realized i'd been thinking about R the entire time.  so, something has to give, something needs to be different.  but i'm not going to force a change because i don't want anything else to happen.  i am, by God;'s will and grace, able to make better decisions when i choose to.  i choose to make a good decision.  i choose to love R, and to have her in the deep part of me, and i hope that she eventually chooses the same.
i'm going to close it down now.  Aunt Rose's funeral is tomorrow.  sad energy.  thank you, Father, for a blessed day.  

the sun's reflection

i apologize, to myself, to toti, to God and to anyone who reads this.  my negligence is not forgivable, because it is an indication of me sliding backward.  i know that I am.  but knowing that i am enables me to be truthful about it and begin to move forward again.  this is my intention, to get all the way back on track and begin to move forward with deliberation again.  the goal doesn't change.  the goal is September 15, and I have time.  but i've been going through some changes and it's time to face up to them and start making things right.

so, i had some blues on the 25th of this month, though i don't know exactly why.  i think its because i truly enjoyed the november gathering of my family at my apartment.  yes, i know i could say christmas and thanksgiving, but i prefer to simply imply that, due to them being the most hypocritical days of the year.  nonetheless, i cooked, not much, but i did.  and i didn't expect anyone except my brother, and even he didn't show up.  and that was okay, but i had no plan B.  i had nothing else to do, and no one else to see, and i was lonely.  bottom line.  and i realized then that it was exactly like so many days preceding it, and it was like so many days following it will be.  and that was a heavy thought.  but its been a thought lately.  like the thoughts that i have to get this paperwork from my lawyer to J&FS, even though the woman who is trying to get in my business won't return my call.  therefore, i know they're trying to just deep six my case, cut my funds or Syd's medical and call it a day.  i won't let that happen, i will file for an appeal, but i am weary.  weary of the struggling.  weary of never having enough, always having to be vigilant of my finances because i could end a month struggling badly.  weary of trying to get this feeling up off of me.  weary of trying to connect with people who only want to bitch and moan, and bring no solutions to the table.  i am weary.  and stressed, and when i am weary and stressed i isolate and eat.  that's the formula.  old script, my demons don't have to reach far to find what works.  when i'm on my bicycle, when i'm doing the thing, they don't gain that purchase.  but there's been enough minutiae over the last month that it's taken a toll on me.  i have to get paperwork done with JCC to get my membership renewed.  i have to get a job, want a job, but i need something that i can do until i can do more, and what i can do is what i'm doing right now:  data entry, data processing, and there's not much listed for that these days.  i know, i'm doing nothing but bitching and moaning and not putting solutions up on the table.  but i will.  and soon.  like, i'm hitting the gym tomorrow morning.  that doesn't wait til january.  like, i'm going to get back to counting my caloric intake again.  have to do that.  it helps my diabetes as well as the weight loss.  like, i'm going to get these papers in to this woman and let God take care of the rest, because it's out of my hands.  like, i've finished MECHANICAL JESUS, and i've gone through the Kindle Scout program to try to get it published, which would mean 1500 as an advance.  would also mean more exposure for my back log of works and a better chance of my next book having a built in audience.  worth a shot.
i guess, in the long run, i'm just lonely.  and i am sick of being so.  people take.  i take.  i give, and some people give.  all things balance out.  it's self-pity, which is also one of the great weapons i've armed my demons with.  but i can take it back.  i can, if i choose to.  and right now, i better make some better choices.  because i don't really have it in me to keep striving for mediocrity.  i will stay on point with this writing.  i will keep moving forward.  its rained forever.  wonder if its going to flood for real.  wouldn't surprise me.  tornadoes in the south, earthquakes in texas.  but hooray, sixty degrees in december.  i'm tired, and a nap sounds like a good idea.  not going to my meeting today.  not going to the hall either.  tomorrow, we get back to the righteous journey.  that's my reflection in the light of the sun today.  thank you, Jehovah, for keeping me aware.

the day before

one week left in the year.  one day before xmas.  several hours before i'm done with the final edit on Mechanical Jesus.  i've been to see my mom, saw my aunt and sister as well.  i talked to my brother, called DeJa but no answer, texted R, and had breakfast and lunch.  I just got my dissected and dry-marinated turkey into the crock pot, with an apple-butter-olive oil rub, salted.  that's going to cook all day and likely for the night.  i have to cut up cabbage, peel and cube potatoes, cut up onion and peppers.  i have to get the ham in the oven, probably tomorrow morning.  asking my aunt now if she can get onion rolls for me, as i don't plan to leave the house again until sunday.  didn't hit the gym this morning.  groggy from the sleepytime tea, i'm thinking.  but i feel bloaty.  i've not been eating as i should.  i'm taking my meds and my insulin but i'm not feeling all that well.  depression, that's part of it.  not the overwhelming, November rolls in and i am incapacitated depression that i avoided this year, by God's grace and mercy.  it's the depression of shared sadness, of which i have extricated myself previously but am unable to at this time.  I imagine, getting older means feeling the passing of loved ones more keenly, because it's your own history that is being erased as your future gets shorter.  it's mortality, pure and simple.  i am okay as i ponder.  my time is coming.  all of our time is coming.  but i hate that my aunt had to pass so diminished.  But i wasn't around when God created the earth.  so it's cool.  it's going to be okay.
i am trying to get this book done.  i am trying to get my head wrapped around my requirements going into 2016.  not resolutions.  my resolutions are a daily affair.  today i resolve to stay sober.  today i resolve to allow the God of my life to guide my actions and direct me emotionally and spiritually.  but i have to learn some things, and the upcoming years is a good time to set goals for those lessons.  like, sales.  like, marketing.  like, letting go of distrust and letting go of the need to control my environment so i can't be hurt anymore.  these are the things that are most important to me.  because if the writing is going to improve, it will improve due to a demand that will only come if i'm selling books.  if i can learn that, i will create my own demand, and i am the supply, God's grace.
sticking to my anti-menu for tomorrow, but if anyone chooses to come grab a sandwich or a sort of plate, they are welcome to.  turkey's going to smash, i already know it.

missing file

interesting how things turn, sometimes.  i didn't write yesterday because monday was an emotional leech, everything in me was gone and yesterday i was just cruising through, recharging batteries i think would be the right analogy.  but i try to account for things, and this is the place to do that, so this is a recap of where i am at this time.
i felt better, and i thank my brother  Jerome for that.  he's my big brother in fact and in spirit, and i always appreciate when he can get me centered.  i don't know, still, why i am so undone by my aunt Rose's passing, but i am and it's okay.  but i couldn't function, and now i'm doing all right, and it's because he let me decompress and then he brought me out of the chaos in my brain.  i appreciate him, he always manages to do that for me in a very quiet and unassuming way.
i got to see my dad, who is functioning, and that is good, and he's sad, and that's good too.  you can see it on him.  this new millennium has been about loss for him.  its a strange contrast, later in life it seems, that the fewer people you've had in your life the more important they become and the greater space that's left when one of them leaves.  my mom had eight siblings.  my dad had one.  my mom has six left, of whom she barely speaks to any.  my dad has none, and he maintains despite his losses.  i don't know.
one of the things that this pointed out to me, made so clear, is that it is almost our season, my siblings.  i have six sibs.  we're all alive, we're all above ground.  but one of us will one day know how my dad feels now.  one day one of us will likely be the last of our household.  i don't really wonder who it will be. had my dad passed first,due to the dementia my aunt likely wouldn't have known it.
i am in an extended silence with my friend TP.  pretty sure i've spoken on her in the past weeks.  i know i've accepted the silence though i've not initiated it.  i'm not sure what's wrong with her, and i am not going to ask her what's wrong with her.  i know that i am no longer interested in fixing things that i didn't break, be those things actual things, places or people.  i walk away from conflicting emotional situations, i walk away from confusing scenarios, because the investment of spiritual energy they require is often a drain on the whole system.  i love TP, she's a good person.  i am sure that part of it was the listening to her bitching about every single thing, like there was to be no happiness anywhere for her.  and part of it was the increased call to tell me every detail of every day except what was wrong with her, but when i'd speak on something going on with me the 'conversation' would sort of deactivate.  we'll see what the future holds.  it's not the first time a friend has become distant, and i'm sure it won't be the last.  my part is i should have just said in the beginning that i'm not going to start doing 24/7 roadside assistance if i am not told what the actual problem is.  but that's something i can't change now.
i hit the gym, did over a mile and a half on the treadmill.  i cut up my turkey and got it in a dry marinade for the crock pot, an experiment in prep.  i am going to get my ass in gear to get to the gym this morning and start a new day.  this is going to be a separate entry, i'm going to write something for today specific. but i wanted to make sure i got this in.