my isohyet

i want to get this down now.  i'll be out into my day shortly.  it's going to be a trying day, but i'm going to move on the basis of a faith that has proven it works.  i have to.  despite having it challenged, despite wanting to give in to negativity, i am going to move in the good way and try to keep myself from falling into that trap.

so, where to begin? 

it's friday the 13th.  means nothing to me by way of superstition.

it's two days after september the 11th.  means nothing to me by way of patriotic remembrances, but it will mean something as far as my personal history from now on. 

two days ago, i went to the Cleveland Clinic facility in Mayfield Heights, Ohio to have surgical treatment on my prostate for cancer.  this has been two years coming.  two years since finding out that i had this thing, two years of trying to get to where it could be treated and finally being given an option that worked well  for me.  two years. 

they prepped me and put me to sleep.  they intubated me to keep me gassed, and they scraped something loose in my throat.  i don't think that's unusual. might be my tonsils, for all i know; i still have them at 51.  they then used needles to jam a number of radioactive darts into my prostate to kill the cancer cells and shrink the prostate.  it means that it's killing healthy cells as well, but that's what medicine is in the 21st century.  we will harm you in other ways to possibly heal you in one.  if you think not, listen to the disclaimers every time there's a commercial on for a new medicine.  but that's just american life.  the procedure is done.  i woke silly, came out well from the anesthesia and am home, have been since Thursday afternoon.  no bleeding, urination is constant and not overbearing at this time, feces is happening, though it's not loose stools, just hard and pebbly.  but that's okay, long as it's working.  against recommendations, found that the equipment still works, though it was a self-test situation.  won't for a while again, that's for sure. 

i don't know exactly how i feel. i've not told my parents yet.  i don't know if i will.  if i do, it will be when i know things have significantly changed one way or another.  not just as news to be disseminated randomly. no reason for that.  my mother had her epidural done yesterday.  hoping her pain eases up some.  i'm sure that means she'll have to continue to get shots in her back to ease her pain.  i don't want to add to the pain in her back.  just how it is.

connected to this is bullshit from work.  bullshit because of the execution of their agenda.  i've been told that i have 3 speeding tickets.  none of the information sound valid, by which i mean factually the operations manager has given me provably inaccurate information, yet insists that this is something that is attached to me as a driver.  the fines for these camera tickets total $400 dollars.  there has been talk of a suspension as well.  what i believe is happening is one of the drivers for their daycare program, what i call the thing where they have people not go to the workshop to double charge them for other activities, got tickets and since there's more money in that than in driving to the workshops, that person needs to not be inconvenienced.  but i say that because it's what i believe.  that doesn't make it right.  point being, i don't think they are mine.  but they could be; it's not outside of the realm of possibility, and that's all i'm writing here.  so i asked if the ops manager could ask them to not take the entire amount out of this next check, as i have things that i have to do and i'm losing more time being off work now.  she said she would front me the money if they did.  it's now about 730 as i write this line and nothing is deposited into my bank account.  so i have to assume they snatched my entire check.  and i don't understand that, because even short the holiday and the one doctor day last week, my check should be more than $400.  so i'm trying  to keep my head together, move forward on the shit i said i have to get done. 

thing is, it's part of the composite.  the disability questioning.  this job and the bullshit that is now growing.  the thing with my friend which has taken another strange turn.  the surgery.  the lost time.  bills that have to be paid.  i have a host of things that have been churning for quite a few months now. 

BUT.

my mom did get her treatment.  it might help.

i did get my treatment.  that's not the forefront of worry at this moment.

i have the money to make my car payment, though other payments might suffer.  but most of them have been tended to already.

i am alive, sober and thankful.  i have my life, and a period of rest.  i learned my friend Na'eem just lost his wife last Friday.  how grateful should i be? 

point being, i am trying to keep my hand in Jehovah's hand, and walk through this with him.  he makes a way from no way, and if i am seeking the spiritual enrichment, i'm not going to worry so much about the material; it's already taken care of.

so, i've got counseling today.  i'm going to get dressed, as i've showered and shaved, as i've medicated, meditated and processed some things with this writing.

i'm going to get a few clothes washed, get some stuff to make my dinner and get ready to move into the next chapter of my life. 

one way or another, change is going to come.

thank you, Father, for your love; having that takes care of everything else.

...Change Gonna Come...

for some people, life is about control.  it seems what they need is to keep their hands on every aspect of their lives, keep a finger on all the buttons and in all the pies that come into their perimeter. and when they can't, it's almost an instant crisis, an instant tumult.  i honestly wonder if that is me, if that ever was me, and what it would take to get me to that level of dysfunction. and i do think it to be a dysfunctional state of being.  because, unless you are on almost limitless resources or have carte blanche with the lives that are in your sphere of influence, it is an impossible achievement and has to be a totally frustrating endeavor.  but i know people who live that way, and they are crazy, practically to a person. 

so, it's been a boring, lonely weekend.  i more or less expected such.  things from last weekend linger, and they linger without explanation that resolves anything.  i'm mostly okay with that, but it is not unknown that i hate when things are left without a reason for happening.  it is usually a madness i can't live with, but now, i know everything is not necessary for me to know.  sometimes, i just have to deal with the truth as the truth is, and let things be what they are.  and i'm going to be okay with that.  but it is a thing that is hurting a friend, and though they repeat 'full disclosure' over and over like a mantra, they don't exactly practice the tenants of that sermon.  but i can do nothing about that either.

i have made soup for a friend who made me a peppermint oil solution to deter the mice in my house.  i have cleaned and sprayed, and i have to get groceries so that wednesday through sunday i am okay.  i could count on people other than Lonnie coming to check up on me, but i won't, because that would be stupid.  instead, i'll just dig into my own life, try to do the things that will insure i have supplies at least, and prepare for a rest and a writing session.

not much else i can do there.

my house smells of peppermint,strong peppermint, but something still moves through my walls.  i would imagine it takes some time, and it may need a heavier spraying.  i'm okay with that.  i have to check some financial things, and i'll know more about that tomorrow, and then perhaps i can re-schedule the exterminator to come check this house out.  but we'll have to see. 

why am i writing?  what is this about?  i am emotional and trying to get a grip on it.  i am without company, and i miss my friend. but that's part of the new deal.  you find people are struggling with their own shadows and monsters and demons, and maybe even wrestling with an angel or two in their own existences.  and you can't do anything about any of it, because it either makes them stronger or it secures their blessings, or it kills them because they weren't strong enough to do life.  and that could be any of us. could be me.  could be.

i am grateful for this day.  i made my parents dinner, i washed clothes, i did my meeting.  i am ready to shut it down, but it's a bit too early so i'm going to get back to my life.  thank you, Jehovah, for allowing me time. 

seven days from now...

a dancing grandson is a good place to distract myself.  and i miss him, and so this helps me to get a little dose of him, anyway.

but i'm writing as i prepare my dinner, because it's time to write, and it's time to eat, and it's time to get ready for tomorrow.  it's time to get my shit together, in other words.  and i am ready to fire this bitch up again.

a point comes (it always does, believe it or not) that the insanity and the lethargy sort of give way to some kind of action.  well, the lethargy does.  when it's real, the insanity gets channeled into the productive actions that put me back on a good path. at least, that's how it's worked up to this point, and i feel it about to work again. 

today was sort of a null day.  i didn't really get into work heavily, though i didn't cheat the clients.  i just put everything on automatic pilot and floated through the day.  i saw the people that i wanted to see, minus one friend/coworker who i think is no longer with the company.  i did my meeting, talked to my mom, tried to catch up to Rachel about some cabbages she has but, of course, she wasn't answering her phone (it's every other day, seems).  got everyone to work and home safely.  hell, even got my primary bills paid last night and my credit card bill paid on.  not too shabby.

now, that doesn't mean the crazy is gone, mind you.  i feel the gibbering fool of my primitive brain still trying to find a convenient escape from everything.  i feel it, i hear it.  but i haven't given in to it yet.  i've talked as close to it as i can, i've prayed, i've walked through the next right things to the best of my ability.  and tomorrow, i walk.  PERIOD.

spiritual warfare happens all the time.  it is the nature of a world when you are supposed to be constantly developing on your spirituality.  you are going to go through things, and you are going to struggle when things that make absolutely no sense at all keep recurring.  what can you do?  when the shadows move and the walls speak and the wind has something to say.  when you look for portents and find them.  or when you are just trying to keep on a good path and you feel the brittleness gathering beneath your feet, and that is when you realize every day in that particular walk, you're on ice of varying thickness.

so the shit between Friday and Saturday just blew a portion of the ice right out from under me, and i was up to my nose in freezing water.  and I don't swim, as Sir Nose would tell you.  so i thrashed about.  but i grabbed onto whatever i could get my hands on that was solid...my counselor, Keith, Lonnie, this Journey, i just dug in and held on, and i am not all right, but i am all here, and that's right for now. 

i am going to walk in the morning.  probably no more than a mile, if that.  but it's been over a week since my last walk, and it's time to get my ass back in motion again.  i felt good when i was doing it regularly. and i used shoes losing their soles as the excuse to stop.  but again...two pairs of shoes that were fine and then suddenly they are shoddily made and falling apart?  but if you fall for a spiritual trick, don't be mad at the enemy...check yourself, laugh about it, and get back to work. 

got to clean my kitchen.  that's the other thing.  a friend (yes, a genuine friend in the wake of the shit from work) listened as i talked about the madness the mouse presence is driving me to, and she made me a solution of peppermint oil to start spraying with.  i looked it up and found that and other things i have to do.  some of it is going to be a bit daunting and i'm going to need some help...like cleaning out the upstairs closets, where i'm sure the mice have been chillin like villains for the whole time i've been here.  cleaning them out, bagging shit up and throwing it in the trash.  closing up holes, spraying and re-spraying.  time to start either getting shit right here or getting rid of HERE and moving into something that is comfortable for me.  but either way, i'm not going to snub God.  in fact, i know this is the result of my prayers, having choices of directions, none of them particularly bad.  and the rest is tomorrow, and tomorrow will take care of itself if i deal well with today.

thank you, Jehovah God, for life and love.

seven days from now, i get this procedure done.  prayers would be nice. 

the falling apart, the slow coming back together...

...I am a man of my word.  it means something to me today.  i can tell you honestly, that is the result of a lot of work.  a lot of changing, a lot of looking at myself closely, seeing how fucked up i've been and trying hard to make the amends to the people i've hurt and to myself, as well as to my Creator, by changing and allowing character to develop in me.  i am a man of my word, and i've always been happy about that.  i guess you have to know the pain of doing without to know the joy of having. 

but sometimes, that can be a liability.  it can.  because i have to sit in the madness that has enfolded me, pretend that i'm okay, stay out of my head to the extent that is possible (which is very slight) and try not to hurt anyone, and hope that i can stay faithful and move toward a solution before the bottom falls out of my mind.  and i can't talk about most of it, because i gave my word that I would not divulge anything about the situation that triggered it all off this weekend. 

i will talk about what i can, because i need this recorded.  i don't have a choice.  but i will not break my word. 

so, let's just sum it up like this.  the Big Book, in the 'How It Works' chapter, tells us that most of our problems are of our own making, that we have taken actions that later put ourselves in a position to be hurt. and i can attest to that.  i made decisions that brought potential trouble to my door.  and i knew the possibility was there.  but i was acting out of my emptiness, which is a nice way of saying i was being selfish.  i took something offered to me that perhaps i should not have, on the basis that it was not free for them to give.  which means it cost them quite a bit as well.  and the trouble came to my door.  and i was prepared to deal with the trouble, because one thing that gets to the wolf at the center of me is feeling threatened in my own space.  right or wrong, it is a feeling that i cannot easily bear.  and i didn't sleep much that Friday night, because i was awake, waiting for the trouble to present itself.  on reflection, dealing with it as i would have would likely have simply set off a shitstorm of further trouble.  but, regardless, it happened, and the next day i was a bundle of jangling wires, each still attached to a power source and sparking. 

so, of course there's fuel all around me.  there is/was something scurrying around in my ceiling and walls.  i had gotten the critters out of the kitchen, but they did not decide to abandon the house.  and to drive that point home, i tried to print a W2 to send to SS for this audit they're doing on my disability, to have my printer keep reading 'error', because A FUCKING MOUSE (or mice) MOVED INTO THE MOTHERFUCKER.  poked its head clean out as i tried to figure out what the error was.  i kicked the shit out of my printer, because, like the stove, it was now a dead and barely touchable thing.  unlike the stove, however, there will be no replacing the printer until i get rid of this problem.  because, why just give them a new house? 

so.  i've got the procedure coming up on the 11th, for which i have to go have the pre-anesthetic meeting tomorrow.  i've got the possibility of having my income slashed, losing ground that i've fought to gain and have barely made any progress at all, though i have made some.  i have something in the walls, something in my printer and a situation that may have called for bloodshed.  and i may have lost a friend in the process. 

yes, i went nuts.  i was ready.  got a bag full of exit, but it was just on the edge of my mind.  i wanted to talk to my sponsor, and for the first time i found the pain in my heart refreshed that he is dead now, and i can't give him any problems, and i have nothing new to deal with this collection of shit.  i went to my parent's house, just hung out.  made my mom coffee and sat and sat back and tried not to cry.  called a friend in Columbus and talked about what i could, but could not go into full detail, because my word is good.  called Lonnie, texted my counselor.  now i am writing about it, because i am trying to put it back together again.  put what back together?

i know some things.  i know a few things about a few things, but i don't know shit.  Jehovah, my Father, knows everything that I need to know.  see, we have a thing from a long time ago in the Program; 'when you don't know what to do, do what you know is right', and 'do the next right thing'.  those two have always gone together for me.  the next right thing is the thing you know is right, so if you have no answer to the problem at hand, just do a thing that you know you're supposed to do.  yesterday i went to my parent's house, i made my mom a pot of coffee that brewed today, i bought her some biscotti while i was at Big Lots buying myself coffee and some supplies.  i went to my meeting, i cooked for the potluck and i chaired the meeting.  i just finished shaving and eating, and i'm about to take my shower.  i have my alarm set so i can get to this pre-anesthesia meeting and i have an interview in the afternoon. i'd wanted to do some cleaning, but i mostly laid in bed today.  i'm okay with that.  i may take the dirty clothes i have and wash while i'm out tomorrow.  don't know for sure.  but i know this:  i own what i've done.  i won't be unsafe in my space, because it only gets worse as you get older and you damn will better be ready to defend your atmosphere.  'mind your want because someone wants your mind'.  P-Funk philosophy, true though. 

i just want to get through the next day, if i am blessed to awaken to see it.  and it will be a blessing if that happens.  so many are losing so much these days.  mass shootings, diseases on the rise that were arrested decades ago, hate and fear and racism and just the worse mindset that humanity can engineer, and it's all according to biblical prophecies and common sense observation. 

i don't know who reads this, for real.  i know of one individual who does, and i have posted this link of Facebook, because as a 10th step, it has to be accessible to those who would be the witnesses of my confession; never know who God has in place to hear me.  but i know i am grateful for this day, and i thank God for the ability to move to the next step and the next.  do the next right thing. 

CONTINUITY

...summer at its end.  the nights are significantly cooler, cold for the past week, minus a night.  on the east, a hurricane prepares to land ashore, likely bringing in the fall season prematurely.  it always comes with a storm now; look back through the past 15 or so years, you'll see it for yourself. 

i am up, i've done my stretches and crunches.  i have to get new shoes for walking; i have destroyed a pair through the walking i was doing.  i'm surprised to find that i'm not done with trying to get healthier; i'm realistic about ruining my few belongings.  proper shoes are a must now. 

it's Thursday.  i am remembering things because people are giving me clues and cues, by God's grace.  i am going to my parent's house today.  i'm going to look up getting a direct service provider for my mom through Social Security, through Medicare.  i remember when i started with PCS, that was one of the things we had to study, what is a DSP and what do they do?  so i'm going to look into it.  my mom is not doing well, and the medical system gives not one true fuck about it. 

i don't hear from my brother any longer.  i don't know if that's purposeful or incidental.  i know he is still moving along as best he can.  i know that he is still hurting badly on a daily basis.  but i don't know any more than that. 

i am feeling okay about today.  i don't know why.  i have put soup aside for my mother, my father won't eat it.  i've got some left for myself, but likely i won't eat any tonight.  i've eaten on it for days.  no problem with it, just in the mood for something else. 

i feel spiritually okay.  going to copy my W2 from last year and send off this document tomorrow, Saturday at the latest.  i'm done with it after that.  i've got an interview on Tuesday and i go to the Cleveland Clinic to the pre-anesthetic, or whatever.  i go the following Wednesday for the procedure.  yes, i'm nervous as fuck, but i've done nervous before.  at least i know i am in Jehovah's hands. 

i miss my grandson.  i miss the time when my children were small.  they were important days, they were good times of making something out of practically nothing most days.  that makes them worth missing; now i know only the edge of having something, the fear of losing it all stupidly, and the struggle to maintain faith in a rabid, stupid world.

thank you, Father, for a good start to the day.

Exhaustion, of ANY Kind...

i am tired.  again.  and it's an almost constant situation.  is it emotional? i've got a lot going on...or would that shit be considered mental?  emotional as well, i guess.  then, the physical is slipping, but i'm not eating a bunch of shit.  it's not deliberate, i swear...i wake up and it's all i can do to get to work. 

i'm so hard on myself, i forgot that my doctor told me i'm anemic, and that probably has something to do with it.  a friend suggested it could be the weather changing as well, getting colder again.  that's possible, but if that's the case i got to fight through that.  the season is changing, loss in the memory banks, and i just can't get my mind around some of the tomorrows that are on the verge...

today i went to my parent's house.  my mom sits in her chair, asleep.  she can't really get to the bathroom, so a lot of her sitting in her chair has to do with incontinence.  but there's nothing i can do, nothing i can really say.  i made dinner for her and my father.  i did some culinary repair on some things my sister cooked on Sunday that my mom was complaining about as well, but i didn't make a big fuss about it.  nothing to fuss about, to be honest...

my dad just goes.  he seems to not notice what is happening to his wife, but i know better.  it's fucked up that often you have to see the actions away from something to know the impact that something is having on an individual.  i have said in the past you know the truth by what the shadow looks like, regardless of what's standing in the light.  my dad runs because he can't do anything about what's to come.  its enough to make me feel sorry for him, in a way.  but it's also enough to make me angry.  though, we (or my mother) did create the foundation for this scenario, long long ago...

i feel i'm going to lay it down in a few.  i'm tired, really tired.  i was nodding the whole afternoon ride.  i can't keep going like that.  but is it the SS disability thing?  the sadness of my mother's condition?  the anger with sibs who are unresponsive?  the mixed emotions about my dad's continued silent denial?  the secrets i'm forced to keep?  the anxiety and fear and the heaviness of the season that is coming?  will this be a November of depression and woe?  i would love if that didn't happen.  but i have no say over what i have to survive. 

i miss my sponsor.  i miss my brother.  i wish i had company.  i wish i wasn't so tired all the time.  i wish...fuck wishing. 

thank you, Father.  i've gotten through the day, and that's all the promise i needed to come true. 

Standing on the Verge...

there is so much beauty in the world, despite all the abhorrent ugliness that proliferates these days.  i mean, that's a Saturday morning sunrise sky, there.  those pastels just swatched across the eastern sky...it was gorgeous.  picture does it no justice.  and it was a good day, all the way around.  i got things done on my to-do list, and spent some time with a friend to end the day. 

but like that sunrise sky was the beginning of a cold, cold morning, i have been living with a kernel of bitterness that i'm trying my best to keep in perspective.  i may as well write about it now, as it is where it is, out in the open, and there's no hiding from it at this point.

i don't announce my business to everyone. that's because everyone don't really give a damn about me.  and therefore, speaking to people who don't care about me has become, at 51, a waste of words, breath and time.  none of which do i have in abundance anymore.  so the fact of me being on disability is not a broadcast fact, but it is not an unknown thing either.  when i first came down with congestive heart failure, i was hospitalized, could not breathe, could barely walk and thought i was going to die.  i lost my job behind that episode, well, because my employers at that time were assholes, honestly.  but job gone, regardless.  and i got into the system and waited for disability to approve me.  it is a wait, it is a process.  after turning me down and filing an appeal, they approved me.  i can't remember exactly when that was, it was a while ago though.  and as always happens in a while, life goes on, changes, becomes something else and you have to deal with it.

in my life, life became my daughter growing up, half of what was needed to live from month to month being gone because half of the money was hers (until she decided not to go to college, anyway...) and i didn't want to keep it from her since i wasn't the one taking care of her anymore.  at which point, i got back to my job searching, because what i was getting wasn't enough.  shortening this tale a tad, i went through a couple jobs that didn't work out and ended up at the one i'm at now, which did. and for the past almost 2 years, i've been doing my thing.  and life has been good with it.  but i never thought time wouldn't catch up to me, and it has.

Social Security has come knocking, wanting an accounting, and mostly wanting me and themselves to part ways, i believe.  so i have to fill out their questionnaire and send it back to them, and then they will render their decision about me. 

and i am scared, to an extent. 

one, because that would essentially remove half of what i get by on from month to month.  almost exactly.  and that's kind of sad.  two, because it will probably also eliminate Medicare, which means i will have to get insurance coverage at an outrageous cost or not have coverage for my meds and other things.  and that will be bad.  no getting around it.

BUT...

faith is the blessed assurance of things not yet beheld.

i believe that i am in Good Hands.

i believe that Jehovah will make a way for me, regardless of what human things transpire. 

I believe, in my heart of hearts, that I'm going to be okay.

I believe, and that is the truth.  I'm not writing this as a whistling in the dark. 

BUT...

you learn that people are stupid, or they are trite and like to oversimplify things sometimes.  faith and fear can exist in the same space.  it is possible.  it is happening to me.  and my faith keeps me moving forward, but it doesn't eliminate my fear.  and i've been here before.  this is recent growth.

because once upon a time, this would have been enough for me to do drastic things, to try to find some kind of understanding or some kind of hiding place.  now, i just want to send this off, find out what they're going to do with my life, and then turn the rest of this over to my God for him to do what He is going to do, which will be the good that is to come.

I do believe this.

so, i have to keep moving.  have to keep working, keep paying my stuff, keep being good for my word, keep talking about what i feel and keep listening to the feedback that i'm getting. 

i have to keep living.

and i am grateful to Jehovah for the knowledge that was not bullshit from so long ago...

"when you don't know what to do, do what you know is right."

hasn't failed me yet. 

better days than these are coming.