Progress vs Success

1 Corinthians 13:12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

good morning. it's friday, and the life continues.

it's about 3 in the morning, little later. i'm up, about to get moving on the day. i haven't prayed yet, but i will. i have a lot to do today, not as much as i could jam into this day, but enough to keep me moving throughout the day. i'm grateful for the activity; i'm grateful for the life. i actually am.

yesterday was new stuff. not all of it, most of it was pretty standard. work was nothing out of the ordinary. full load, such as it is. prayer and meds (what i have left) and seeing my parents. my eating is off, i am going to get it back on. but for the most part, pretty much by the number.

but i went looking at cars with my father yesterday, and that zone was completely unexplored territory. went to 3 car lots in the Warren area. i hate car lots. I HATE SALESMEN. but i went, because i found a car that i really thought i'd like, i took my dad because he's a long-time haggler and i am not good at haggling, and he has a GM discount that i can use. and we had a good day, and that was REALLY the takeaway from the whole thing. but on the flip, it was a bust, because car sales people are car sales people. they want to get the most they can get out of you, instead of just doing their job to move their inventory. and i am not having it, not now.

i thought about going back out today, as it's the last day of the month and reportedly this is the time when the deals are the sweetest, but i'd like to get to counseling this morning, and i need to tend to some other things also. as i said, my eating has been off, so i need to get that shit back on track. and i need to pick up medicine today from UPS, as my pharmacy found it necessary to send it with a 'sign for delivery'. some things i absolutely need right now. been out of an agent that helps me pee for over a week, and i can tell, lawd can i tell...

anyway, saw Rachel yesterday, talked for a bit. don't see much of her now, but she has a fuckton of shit going on. i think i need to get my house together, and i need to start creating in earnest again. the book is slowly coming. i have gotten some things done this past week, and i can't moan too much about that. but i have to get back to me, and that's kind of important to the whole process.

i am grateful to Jehovah for the opportunity to spend with my dad. likely i'll go back out, after some preliminary work today, on Saturday. but i will find what Jehovah has for me, and it will be a good deal for me. i believe that. and now i'm done.

Moving on Thangs

 this is the fish i'm going after tomorrow.  2011 Buick LaCross, less than 81,000 miles, under $12,000. i have prayed, and i have turned it over, and i've begun the process.  whatever God's will is for me, may His will be done, and may I be blessed with the grace to accept it.

this has been a good day for me.  i started with prayer, and though the sleep was fitful, it did happen.  i got up and read and took the meds i still have (while waiting for my doctor's office to approve ONE LAST REFILL so my pharmacy can ship my entire order), and i got dressed and got in the wind. 

at work, the day went pretty easy.  i didn't expect any problems, but i didn't really expect one way or the other.  being prepared to deal with what comes is the best solution that i can live in, and i try to do that.  all my clients rode today, no incidents on the bus. 

i went to my parent's house at the break, made my mom coffee and made them both pancakes and sausage.  i asked my father if he would help me tomorrow at the car lot and he said he would roll out with me.  i'm not sure i need his help, not sure i don't either (same as above).  but what i do know is my father likes to help with things that he can, and it is going to hurt nothing to include him in this process.  he deserves to know he is loved and venerated on earth. 

i talked to Lonnie briefly, but not Rachel.  texted with Syd, talked to her for the briefest of moments, and did my noon meeting.  it was pretty good for what i could take in, long chapter on the 4th step.  i had to leave early, but not before i had a chance to comment.  got back to work and finished the day. bought myself and the 2nd in command some fish, went to my parent's house to do a couple things they'd asked me to, and then home, to eat, to clean up, to get myself geared up should Jehovah awaken me to a new day. 

i am nervous about the car. i've programmed myself away from things like that.  when i got the Grand Marquis, i could have gotten a more expensive car.  i could have put myself in a different situation.  but i went with the car i wanted, with what was budgeted to me by my credit union.  now, i'm trying to keep in mind that there is no way to get out of this life alive, and restricting myself and holding myself to a lower lifestyle ain't going to get me more years.  so if i'm not killing myself or anyone else, why not try?  why not succeed?  why not enjoy?  i have no answer to those things in the negative, so keep me in your prayers.  i'll let you know how it turns out.  regardless, Jehovah's will be done, and thanks for letting me do my thing.  

Home Again, Home Again...

it's fairly early, maybe 4:40.  just got in from work, putting some food together.  it wasn't a bad day.  i've not been keeping up with this, because i've been at my parent's house all weekend, keeping my mother company and keeping an eye on her in case something happened.  my father asked me if i could, and of course i could and did.  it's not really a whole lot safer with him there, but two can do more than one, even if it's just a little more.  and i'll be back over tomorrow before my meeting.

today i went to visit my daughter and my grandson.  that is always a pleasure for me.  he is always glad to have me around, and that is a good feeling.  and i can get into his ways, the little things he does as he's in the process of learning what assholes human beings are.  i know a part of my being here is to help him know that he can be more, better, wiser than the world around him, wiser and better than the world wants him to be.  and my daughter is doing the motherhood thing, under quite a bit of duress i might add.  i am proud enough of her; she has bad choices in her dossier of grown behavior, she could have chosen that, and still could to be honest. but for now, she's doing a stand-up job, and seems to be learning as she goes, and i can't exactly complain about that. 

i'm waiting for my medicines, they come in the mail.  i was told at my last doctor visit that all my prescriptions were renewed by her, but they called me this afternoon and said one that i really do need they don't have a refill for.  one of the indicators of aging is the NEED for a medicine and the simmering anger that begins when there's a problem with it.  and it ain't about no kind of high...just about functioning at a particular diminished level consistent to the one you were at, not going any lower than that. 

my mom was glad i was there, and i was glad to be there.  saturday was a good deal, grilling and cooking for sunday's dinner, and sunday was wonderful.  some family, not a lot of people so enough of everything.  i didn't really enjoy sleeping on the couch but i did enjoy spending time.  Joe came with Syd and the baby on Sunday, though apparently they almost didn't make it.  but i'm used to that too.

today was work, and things were okay.  just okay.  i haven't changed the shelves yet; i need to, and started to but i dropped the label maker and it is not functioning at this time.  i will get it done, though.  i need to do a lot of things.  i don't believe i'm procrastinating, not deliberately anyway.  i have to start the process of finding a car, and i only know to look, test drive and find financing.  i don't really know the nuances of car buying, because it's not a thing that i've done with any regularity or success.  but i will have to learn what it is about and get it done.
otherwise, prayed this morning, read my books, took the meds i do have.  i've been writing, and will do some more shortly.  i am going to crash and if i am blessed to awaken again, there's a meeting tomorrow at the FSH and i will take things one thing at a time, which is the only way to live.  thank you, Jehovah, for family and friends. 

well, the week is almost done.  i'm almost done too.  got just enough juice left to journal and crash.  feels like, anyway.  i'm a bit hungry, but i think that's mental.  anway...

today was a nice day.  the run was not bad, saw my daughter and my grandson, made dinner for my mom, stayed out of the way of foolishness and drama and had a good time of it.  but i'm weary; i didn't get in a nap, and the sleep at night is still not one unbroken block. 

had some things happen, though.  not a pristine week, though we're only dealing with the day overall.  realized a co-worker separated all our mailboxes, or rearranged them i should say, with all the black drivers relegated to the bottom of the second column, at the end.  there was no reason for this, as she was not asked to rearrange the mail boxes and simply took it upon herself to do so. but she did, and it took me a minute to notice, because you don't really look for obvious and blatant things, you tune yourself way in to try to perceive the subtle.  but i spoke with the head person about redoing the mailboxes, and i'll take it upon myself to alphabetize them, which would make much more sense.  i can't imagine the woman who did this doesn't realize how bad things should get for her, or for the company if enough of the brothers and sisters found it offensive.  but, i prayed and acted on my prayer, and that's the best thing to do, i believe.

i am going to go out to find a car at some point this weekend.  i've gotten far too used to driving my mother's car, and i don't believe in dependence when action is required.  we'll see what we turn up. 

i feel okay, eating needs to be tightened back up, i know and i will act on it.  that's it, no excuses will do.  i know, and i will act on it.

i'm grateful.  things are moving forward, and change is in the air.  i thank my Father for the provisions of the day and the blessings of my life so far.

shit, i can't even say what happened this time.  i have been living my life, best i can, is all i can say, and that's a poor excuse indeed.  i can't believe it's been four days.  and i think about doing this, i really do.  but not to the extent that it's 'front brain' stuff anymore.  like, yesterday i thought, when's the last time i Journeyed?  then i was sleep, then it was today, and i've been laying on this bed for the past hour and some change, thinking about taking a shower, fucking around on the FB, and not journaling.  i don't know.

it's been okay.  for the most part.  i mean, i did get my mechanic over to check the Gran Marquis, but i haven't gotten back in touch with him yet, so he can lift it up and get a better look.  i grilled over the weekend (on Friday, i believe), and i fretted about finances until i realized i had more than enough money (thank you, Jehovah).  i've been working, i've been taking care of my clients as best i can, i've seen my daughter over the weekend and broke bread with her, gave her some potatoes, some raw and some mashed.  i've been to counseling and stayed awake through it.  still driving my  mother's car to my consternation.  i'm ready for Memorial day, if only for another extended weekend.  we lost another driver due to managerial senselessness. i'm still eating okay, though i did stretch it a bit tonight, but i deprived myself through the day to make that happen.  i'm okay.  i miss my grandson, but i'll see him soon.  my dad is going to be out of town this week, so i'll be spending more time at their house to keep an eye on my mom.  just life shit.  but the tiredness has been present, no point lying.  and we'll just have to do something about that, but in Jehovah's time, not mine. 

i'm grateful for your patience, whomever you might be, and happy for the ability to share, thank you Father for that.   

Been Rough...

been a few days, i know.  it isn't intentional this time.  it's been more one of just not remaining conscious long enough to get anything else done.  but it's time to begin Journeying in earnest.  i'm down to it, change is upon me and i may as well get used to leaving the thoughts at the end of the line.  not talking suicide, sorry.  it sounds fatalistic, but i'll get more into it later.

to start, the last few days have been active.  wednesday i had an inservice at work, and i ended up missing my meeting.  i didn't really have to, but i wanted to support the Number 2 in her presentation on trauma that she had to give, and everyone else was bitching about it and i didn't want to just be one more employee bitching about what was going on.  so i stayed.  needed the hours anyway.  and the day, as they've been, wasn't bad.  got fed, got to help out a bit, got to see my parents after work and make sure they were doing okay.  then home, eat and crash, as has been my wont lately.  thursday, yesterday, i got through the day the same, easy runs, easy afternoon, but i came back from 2nd runs to some tumult at the office, and i ended up having coffee with the number 2, letting her vent and trying to sort through some new information from her. i won't go into detail about it, but i learned quite a bit about her and i was glad for the information, as i had given her a ton of data about me over the weekend and i hate an unreciprocal situation of information.  regardless, that was the night, and i came home, ate and ended up sleeping.  par for the course. 

i'm off today, and i'm going to make the most of the day, so i'm getting this journaling in, getting some clothes washed, have counseling and a lunch with Lonnie scheduled, and i'm going to try to keep from worrying overtly about things i can't change.  and i guess that brings me back around to what i was saying earlier. 

i went to my urologist tuesday and explained the mindstate and physical ramifications i've been dealing with lately.  he suggested a 3rd alternative, brachytherapy, and i am going to see the person who will do this procedure.  so the treatment goes further, and my number has increased slightly as far as my PSA, i guess it it?  i don't know why i don't care more about these things, but i don't.  i just want to know if i'm going to live and get okay (i don't think i'll ever get 'better') or not live.  regardless of the coin toss, i'm just ready to be done.  but it again gets me to thinking.  what's next? 

i have money going out now.  i have to get a car.  have to take on a car payment, likely.  this surgery will cost.  meds will cost.  regular monthly bills.  i'll have to work, to work more, actually.  i'm waiting to see if and/or when the axe will fall concerning my disability.  ain't gonna not be a diabetic.  but i know i'm working in an arena that is dangerous for a diabetic to work in. but what choice do i have?

yet, i don't get lost in this kind of thinking.  i don't feel overwhelmed by it.  I think about Rob.  I think about Johnnie.  i look at their faces everyday, first thing before i get up, last thing before i go to sleep.  its interesting.  i could use a sponsor right now, someone to help me get my thoughts in a linear track to follow along, like connect the dots, to get to a beneficial conclusion.  but i don't encounter people who do that well anymore.  used to me more of them, even aside from my sponsor. now even he's gone.  and my brother...i have the thought that i have to remember him, as if i'd ever forget him.  but it's not just that. i think of Rob, and i think of Rick and Ryan and Jerry, my other 3 brothers.  i think of them because Rob is gone, though Jerry stays on my mind daily anyway.  but the other two, more now because Rob is gone.  and had Rob not died, would i then think of them less, or not at all?  it makes a person consider and reconsider, with my own cancer treatment ahead, knowing that my brother died as a complication in his cancer treatment.  hell, knowing that my sponsor had 4 years of misery and deterioration as a result of them botching his initial cancer treatment.  but what a choice: the possibility of death from the disease versus the possibility of death from the treatment. 

anyway, i'm into this day. i've altered my morning ritual slightly, i listen to a reading of my scriptures online, just so i can take it in as i'm doing things.  i don't want to get up earlier, and i am not going to stop taking in spiritual food.  my clothes are in the wash now, i'll dry them when i get home.  i just finished eating breakfast and i'm going to write in my book and take some time to search for a car before i leave for the day. i know Jehovah has blessed me, and i don't doubt that at all. but i feel what i feel, you know?  you can have faith and still be depressed.  those aren't exclusive modes of being.  and though i sometimes forget that, i know my Creator does not, as i've not yet been condemned for my fears.  time to do the day.

Moving Forward

i'm not young anymore.  it gets to the point in life where you may not even remember what 'young' feels like.  it has reached that point for me.  i look in the mirror, i see this old man, graying beard, pouches under the eyes, grim, dour expression, and i wonder was there ever a kid with a head full of short hair culminating in a widow's peak, with bright crazy eyes that most girls thought were incredibly cute (paraphrasing slightly), thinking about a future that was still bright and shiny like newly stamped coins?  it doesn't feel like there ever was.  i remember doing things as a kid, but it's kinda like i remember smoking cocaine as information that i've stored in my brain, and not as a life experience that has somehow touched me.  yet, it has, because had i not done cocaine, would i be 30 years clean now?  if i wasn't a kid, would i feel as i feel today?  existential much?

i went to my urologist today, and we're going with a plan C, being that i've lost weight in reverse.  Hahahahahahahahahaha!  yeah, we're going to do the three metal radioactive balls placed in my prostate to release the rads slowly.  whatever.  we'll see what happens.  i have decided, since Rob died, that i don't want to deliberately take a son away from my parents.  not quite the same as wanting to live, but it's the best i can do right now.

work is okay.  having more conversations with the number 2 person than i previously was.  not bad people, never thought they were, but i am mostly inside my head there now, since The Boss left, and its good to have someone that i can kinda vibe with.  the clients are the same.  have to start working on learning sign language, time to start increasing the dimensions of my world, opening myself up to be able to know more.

my grandson is walking more now.  he is also an existentialist, in a baby way of course.  i am glad that Syd is holding on in her life, that she's being a good mom to Timothy.  it doesn't take a whole lot, just presence and patience, and a willingness to share your mind.  that's what i found to be true, anyway, and i was not a great parent, but i was there. 

i don't know.  i will keep writing, keep going, try to stay in positive space as much as i can.  i am blessed, and i know that i am.  i just don't know all the ways that i am, and do i really need to?  thank you, Father, for a wonderful day.