Rough Wakings

my accomplishment today will have to be that i made it to my office.  i am here now, doing this entry into the Journey.  it is my accomplishment, including the tiny amount of writing that i could do, because i'm exhausted.  it feels like i'm going to pass out.  i have eaten my dinner, but that's not it.  this is an everyday kind of feeling now.  i'm sick of it, but it doesn't seem to change. 

anyway, the day was cool, got through it.  clients were safe, the one i thought i was losing to the other guys was waiting for my bus today and i felt a great sense of relief.  now i'm home and i'm ready to crash. doctor's appointment tomorrow.  just feeling like i'm going to go under.  and it's only almost seven.  but i feel like i feel.

i've nothing deeper than that right now.  grandson is walking when he wants to.  i'm blessed and grateful for time to spend with him, and i thank Jehovah for the blessing today has been. 

Waking Hurting

been a bit, sorry.  i've been getting over this bum ankle, feeling pretty good waking up this saturday morning, though slow motion is the word of the day. been pretty active, differently styled.  i am going to put in some work today, and i'll be getting up shortly to that effect.  but for the moment, reflection before prayer, and prayer before the day.

i can say that it's been emotional for me, last couple of days.  i lost a client to another company, and it's not the losing of the client so much as the stark realization that it is truly only about the money now.  the well-being of the developmentally disabled is not what it's about, and no one will ever be able to lie to me in that way.  it's about access to more and more federal money.  and each client that anyone has is just a chip, a casino coin representing a certain amount of cash.  knowing this is not new; experiencing losing a friend that i've known since i came to work for PCS is a whole different matter. 

then there's the return of the cold, even though it's temporary for the season.  it's cold this morning and my body is resisting activity on that basis.  i know that's the problem at the moment.  i've not yet been able to turn the heat all the way down, and that's really sucking right about now.  i don't want to migrate to the western states; i don't want to go where nobody knows my name.  but i would like to have a week of consistency.  but i've no right to ask Nature to do anything. most of this is due to us fucking up the ozone and the atmosphere around the earth.  we throw shit out of whack and then complain that it's fucked up. 

not much dialog with Rachel, but that's not unexpected.  have been speaking more to Syd and Deja, and that's nice.  money is kinda tight right now, and the search for a car must move forward. but i am not feeling too bad despite any of this.  eating well, exercising more and thinking on things in the coming day.  i thank God for a lack of worry and for needs that are tended to.  thank you for the day, Father.

...A life in the day...

all things considered, it could be worse.

i took a fall today, as i was ending my work day.  i had parked my bus, was the first one back, had gathered my things and put my charger stuff in my bag in the pouch so i could keep track of it.  i was walking across the lot and i hit a low spot, my ankle turned, and i had so much stuff in my hands that i couldn't gain my balance back.  so i went down on gravel.  ouchie. 

scraped up my left arm around the elbow pretty good, also my left knee got some attention.  right side okay, so i know which way i fell.  BUT.  it's the right ankle i rolled.  gonna be hell to pay in the morning, maybe.  i'm set to ice it down and rest it with some Tylenol before i crash.  nothing else to do.  i thought about doing the ER and filing workman's comp, but the ER is a nightmare with one hospital closed, and losing work to wait to get paid is senseless.  i'm not as young as i once was, no delusions about that.  but i'll see how i feel in the morning, if i can walk, if i can drive.  if i can't, i'm going to the ER then and deal with it at that time.

otherwise, a pretty good day.  i saw my daughter and her son and a friend of hers from out of town during my break.  i love my grandson.  he is so amazing to me, and he's always happy to see me, which is pretty amazing too.  it's funny.  i know he's no more grandchild than anyone else's grandchild.  i know he's smart for a baby, that he's cute and he's big and he's sweet.  but i enjoy him in ways that i can't even describe.  when i put my synth app on my phone and he works so hard trying to figure it out (until he did), when he tries so hard to share his thoughts, communicate what's on his mind, it's just a wonderful thing to me.  i can't really explain it any better than that.  i love him.  i love Syd also, and that's important because often parents get neglected in the shadow of their offspring. 

i'm going to log my food intake at the Dining Room, and then i'm going to put some ice on this knee.  coffee's ready for the morning, and while i'm up here i'm going to grab some clothes for the morning so i don't have to do the steps again.  other than that, it's good to be here in my office.  it really is.  i am grateful to Jehovah for making it necessary for me to be up here right now. 

good morning

3am or so.  Tuesday.  been a minute, sorry about that.  strange kind of place i find myself in, mentally, emotionally.  strange kind of space, strange kind of time.  but the details first. 

it's been okay, but i'm not physically active enough.  need more self-discipline, i admit.  the eating has been on point.  i have been praying, been taking my medications, been reading my scriptures (into the book of Jeremiah now), been reading my morning recovery meditations.  i've been to work on time, doing my job.  i spent the weekend with my family, my mom and dad and brother and great-nephew, did my sunday meeting.  i have cleaned up mouse shit, mopped my kitchen with bleach and cleanser solution.  i've been writing.  it doesn't make more hours in the day, but it makes the hours worthwhile.  but it is still trying to structure an abundance of things into a minimalist reality.  hard to do.  close to impossible. 

for instance:  i came home from work yesterday, put the few things from the store away that i'd brought in, ran dish water.  i threw out some things from the fridge, took out the trash.  i made my dinner, which was the work of a few minutes, honestly, all the prep was done.  i ate, i got my dessert, i watched the rest of a movie i'd started over the weekend, and then?  i was in bed.  i should have written, but i was nodding already.  i put on a very good binaural video and was out.  until now, pretty much.  didn't write, but i had the computer open to my story.  didn't do anything else.  and that's okay, because going to bed was the act of responsibility.  but at the same time, the only way to get MY stuff done is to sacrifice something responsible.  and that's not right.  not a good this or that scenario, not to me. 

i've seen much more of Syd and Timothy.  i intend to continue that.  i've been feeling better, incrementally.  that's not a bad thing.  i look at things like this very day, for instance.  i have breakfast stuff ready.  the coffee should start to brew right about now (at 340, in about 5 more minutes in fact).  i'm going to wrap this up so i can do some floor exercises. i should take out something for dinner, but that means coming in and cooking, that means having to burn writing time later.  on the other hand, not cooking means chancing eating some bullshit that i shouldn't eat.  but then i can come in and write before the energy and time is gone.  sacrifice of the responsible thing.  and the thing about responsibility, it's just the ability to respond.  what's in front of me right now?  car decisions.  calling my mechanic again.  looking for the car i want,f finding financing.  getting my bills paid.  those are the chores.  and if i do them,, my life will go on, secure for another span of time. 

i'm going to exercise now.  i didn't want to keep not writing.  i am grateful to Jehovah for the capacity to think and discern things like this.  ''the answers will come if your own house is in order''.  later.

Fuck the Fourth AND the Fifth of May...

there are things that i just can't abide by, even now.  i try hard not to judge, not an individual, not a world.  but i do, because individuals can be duplicitous, and the world is a sad, sick place that can fuck a person up without even trying hard.  i'm weary of most things, honestly.  so when i say fuck the 4th and the 5th, the sentiment and motivation are the same for them both.  individuals who slavishly walk behind whatever is trending at the moment.  may the fourth.  star wars freaks, some way to have some kind of mutual identity, rather than simply being oneself.  a moment of surrendering an individual identity for the privilege of being a part of the slow moving non-thinking herd.  and it seems innocent, it seems innocuous, until you realize that almost every day on the current social calendar is a day that brings 'awareness' to something or other, every month there's some commemorative day that you've likely never heard of, 96 percent of the time, and yet you are under the mores and mentality of the herd who fall under that day's onus.  pretty bizarre to me. 

far as May 5th goes, Cinco de Mayo. a Mexican independence day that americans commemorate by drinking too much, eating americanized Mexican dishes and pretending that sombreros and panchos are not offensive to Mexican people.  the greater irony is the grand hypocrisy of it in the last 3 years, with this stupid fuck rousing the other stupid fucks in a chorus of 'build the wall', giving vent to the inherent racist tendencies of the american whites against anyone who is not of that mongrel tribe, wanting to keep them out of this country, but yet let's eat tacos and drink shots of tequila and pretend for just one moment that we are cartoon Mexicans, like Speedy Gonzales or, God help us, the Frito bandito (remember that racist shit?)  only in america can a culture be appropriated and its people be villainized all in one fell swoop on one day in May. 

yeah, i judge.  and i don't want to, but i do.  because it makes me want to not bother with the world, not bother with people.  and i have to get past and over that, because that kind of thinking really is not healthy for me. 

so.  Friday was an easy day.  nothing too out of the ordinary.  work was typical, i'm still dealing with patience in the car resolution, counseling was productive.  i had a plan for yesterday, Saturday, and i got parts of it done, but i'm still not motivated toward a block of creativity.  i am writing on my book, though, and i am listening more to what is being said around me, because a lot of that is material for either this story or the next one.  i've seen my parents and will see them again today as we're having dinner at their house.  today is Rachel's and TF's birthday, and they both should have gotten the cards i sent them.  i know Rachel did, anyway. 

I'm tired but i have to get up now.  need a shower and shave, have to get my car loaded after i make sure i've gathered everything i need for our dinner tonight.  i feel okay otherwise.  i thank my heavenly Father for the blessing of another day of life. 

Will Get It In

Its almost 6pm. Its been an okay day. I have to get some exercise in, and i will. At the moment i'm grilling chicken and steak. My stove only partially works, but its 80something degrees out here. Why NOT get that first grill done?

I visited Syd and the grandchild today. It is something, i admit, to have him smile when he sees me. We seem to bond well. He is a busy guy, and he is very observant as well. Syd made coffee and we watched some TV. I went to the Iron Skillet for lunch and actually ate responsibly. Always a good thing.

The Girard prom thing is cancelled, which is okay. I keep wanting to let my mind chase a 'fix' for the car situation, but my spirit keeps making me wait. I am in prayer and ready to MOVE when the path is clear.

I'm very grateful for this day, blessed in abundance and thankful to my God for a day and a moment of peace.

The Dining Room

Better Day

Probably should have written this last night, but i didn't.  should have done several things, but beginnings can be as traumatic as endings, in their own way.  some know what i'm talking about.  don't care one way or the other, for real. 

i thought about a lot yesterday, as indicated by the Journey entry from then.  Last day in April.  another year older and deeper in debt, to paraphrase.  and i knew i had a choice.  stated, not to be reiterated. 

i've chosen to live, i believe. 

i don't mind self-disgust.  if you can't be disgusted by your own selfish, self-serving and self-destructive actions, you're either enjoying them or you're mining a profit of some sort from them.  i am not feeling that kind of shit right now.  so i decided it was time to do some things differently.  thing is, it never requires all that much.  move, for God's sake.  just move.  what's sitting in front of you?  deal with it.  what's that over in the peripheral?  if it's not right in front of you, it doesn't matter at the moment.  deal with what's in front, then deal with the shit on the side if you can.  MOVE.  should be an acronym for something.  Momentum Overcomes Valueless Expressions, or something like that.  anyway...

so, yesterday i went to work.  i got in and got it started.  i did NOT go to any fast food place for breakfast, though i heard the voice telling me to.  nor did i go to a gas station to buy fast food breakfast on a heating rack.  i got the first part of my run out of the way.  then i made my way to my parent's house. 

i had a plan to walk.  half hour, fifteen minutes one way, fifteen minutes back.  damn the miles, just walk the time.  on my way to the folk's house, my car went down.  reminiscent of when the wheel mount broke last year.  but it was something in the engine mount, and the hood popped up, and it wasn't going nowhere.  stopped it right at the intersection, called triple A for a tow, let my mom know i would be delayed, had the car towed to my house and got my brother to take me to my parent's house.  cooked dinner for them for that day, and perhaps the next, and had lunch while i was there.  protein and vegetable.  then i got to work in enough time TO TAKE MY WALK.  of course, i thought about not.  good excuse.  but that's how demons operate.  shake the resolve; dying is preferable when there's a good reason to do it slow.  i chose to live, if possible.  so i walked.  HARD.  been so inactive.  had to sit at the apex of the walk, for a minute.  breathing hard, sweating hard.  but i did it. 

finished the work day.  came home, had the last of the leftover pizza.  no problem acknowledging that.  i have nothing here to make a responsible meal, so i ate what i had on hand and will hit a store today.  other issues as well. have to see what's what with the stove, since Lonnie cleaned it out.  went to make breakfast today but it wasn't lighting.  i'll check it when i get home.  then, i have to look into a car.  thinking about a lease, but i have to call my credit union, see where i stand. 

best thing is, when the decision was made, i felt good about it.  through everything happening yesterday, there was no panic, no sense of doom and gloom, no screaming or cursing or feeling like the world was just a shit place.  it was stuff to deal with. it IS stuff to deal with. i'm going to deal with it. 

today i have to get cards for TF and Rachel, who have birthdays coming up.  going to see Syd and Timothy.  have chicken marinating, but i have to find a way to cook it.  might be the first grill of the year for me.  that would be nice. 

i am grateful today.  i have to walk today as well.  i know that Jehovah has blessed me, and i feel His strength and I want to be true to it, not undermine it and then cry that i feel weak.  gotta go now.