Slow-Motion

I'm in Hubbard, at a laundromat. Washing clothes, 2nd time without my own washer. Not a bad thing but they haven't many dryers and even fewer blacks. But, life on life's terms, eh?

Quiet Saturday. Yesterday wasn't bad but I was exhausted, less than enough sleep and very long day. But not bad, and i'll live with it.

I had my confrontation with the woman at work who'said been assaulting my boundaries. Hopefully once shall be enough. The night wasn'the as bad and I slept well enough. Today the lethargy is on me but, i'm at the laundromat washing clothes.

It's about 1:30. I did my morning things, had breakfast and thought about cleaning but that didn'the happen. I watched some TV and was pondering a Syd-visit, but I don'the know. Catching up with rest seems intelligent right now, but that's likely the depression.

Counseling was good. I dig VF, she's always moving me towards practical resolution, where I tend to want 'right now' Gordian knot answers, which ain't always best.

Some things I've forgot, giving the homeless guy in Columbus a dollar, helping a woman unload her cart, helping a woman today get a pillow off a high shelf. No horn-solo, just observing my behavior and working on getting out of self. That's why I may still go see Syd & LZ, as I'd be out the house.

Got tension in my neck, base of my skull. Feeling fat and lazy. Pondering lunch. Got some choices here in Hubbard. Just doing a quick log on the Journey lately. We'll be okay. Or we won't. But thank you, Father, for all I have and all I look forward to .

thoughts and vibes, or whatever

change. 
it happens, regardless of your state of being.
babies change into people, the dead change into dust.  flesh moves to spirit, and sometimes, spirit moves toward fleshy things. 
change happens.  the one constant in the entirety of creation is change.

yesterday was a bad day.
got the prelims done, but i was feeling pretty rocky.  i'd already changed my appointment for the biopsy and my appointment with my GP, but when i woke up i had no energy, breathing was labored and my strength was negligible.  still, got my ass to work.  almost fell crossing the parking lot. 
i sent a text to the 2nd in command about how i was feeling and asked for a sub driver for the afternoon.  i was in no shape or mood to deal with bullshit on any level, and i knew it.  i got a text back that she'd see if she could find a sub.  i got through the runs and went to my parent's house, where i fixed breakfast sandwiches and dinner items for them both.  i took a low-power nap and went to my meeting, where i was late because my mom had several things she asked me to check out at the last minute. the meeting was already pretty well set up and i got our stuff from the locker and got the chair working on the format and i left early enough to get my ass back on the hop, being that i'd heard nothing about a sub driver...
until i got back to work, that is.  then the woman who rode with me on Monday said she'd been instructed to drive my route in the afternoon.  but no one had called or texted to tell me. so my temper ran high.  then i went to confront my boss about it and the crazy ))))) who seems to always get under my skin was jumping in the boss's face with some more arrant, trivial stupidity, and i said a profound string of curse words and stormed out to my bus and got the route finished.  i then came home, worn out, hurting with the onset of a gout attack as well.  but i talked to a driver before i left the work property, and that calmed me down some.  later i decided to call my boss and make an amend, which i did, and i received an apology in return, which was nice.  that was the meat of the day. 

today, i got up hurting,  started treating the gout but it is slow going, i'm beginning to acclimate to the prednisone, i can tell. anyway, i got showered, ate, read, took meds and got to work. i of course started it with prayer.  i stopped at Wal-Mart on my way.  i've learned that when i'm truly angry at people, it's hard to maintain it when you're doing something nice for them, so when i am angry at you and indifferent, you've really gotten far into my ass.  just so you know.  anyway, got the real Boss an ambrosia apple, got the idiots mini muffins, got to work and put on a pot of coffee and got my bus pre-checked and ready to roll.  the ))))) was in early and putting on her show, actually jumping in the middle of a conversation i was having, which tells me she's trying to find a way to compromise me.  but i have the answer for that already. 
anyway, the route was easy enough, it's my older brother's birthday, which i wished him a happy one, i came home for lunch because i had nothing else i really had to do, at some point Syd texted me that she was at her grandparent's house and likely wasn't going back to be with Joe, but when she called she was heading back there, i ate lunch and dinner here, and i'm about to go to sleep.  i managed to start working on a song, get an enlarged copy of our Wednesday format typed up, printed and in my meeting bag, and i need to wash some clothes.  i feel...altered, somewhat.  i'm not even going to fix my mouth to say i feel 'better', but i did do something different today, and it felt good.  so, we'll see what tomorrow brings.  but i'm so grateful for the day, and for the change to something...other.  that's nice. 

the drag of the day

what a strange little face.  he looks like he knows a bunch of shit and is just figuring out how to dumb it all down so we stupid adults can get on his level.  always did love that about babies.

you know, TOTI, the Tim on the inside, is pretty miserable these days.  but why? 

yes, there's the year come round, the loneliness, the phone that never rings except for collections.  there's the empty house, the old and worn decor, the feeling of being a ghost trespassing where the real ghosts live.  there's still the truly unnerving feeling of this being me watching my life flashing before my eyes as i am currently dying.  that is the one that gets me the most.

but why the heavy duty depression?

it's summer.  i've done practically nothing.  i've watched my activity dwindle back to complete isolation.  i don't grill, i don't make soup, i don't go to the gym.  i work; i'm pretty faithful about that.  but aren't i always good at being there for other people?  i come home, i eat, i lay in this bed and play games or reblog pictures, whatever gets me closest to passing out for another day.

i pray, i read, i take my medicines.  i look at the huge amount of gabapentin i have and i think.  and i push the thought back down in its container and shove it back into the back of the closet. 

i'm not writing.  i need to work out these lyrics to this song i wrote, but i somehow refuse to.  i don't draw.  i just work and eat and sleep.  and sometimes i feel really, REALLY sad.  and i push that to the back of the closet too. 

why am i feeling this way? 

how acute can Rachel not being here really be after a year.  an immovable object vs an irresistible force.  if she really wanted to be here, she would be.  if i really wanted her here, she would be.  we are where we are supposed to be.  granted, in the big and small picture. 

the aloneness, grieving parenthood prime ending, grieving my child growing up, grieving how my friends have all gone on with the world.  sure, i am. 

then there's the world itself.

nothing makes sense anymore.  people place money over dignity, over honor, over self-respect.  people believe whatever lie makes them the most horny.  people disregard laws and structure just because they haven't gotten caught doing so...yet.  everyone seems to be smoking weed, yet we complain because another culture is doing the work we're either too stoned or too lazy and egotistical to do.  we are watching the butchering of black men, but sports are more important than black lives, so do they really matter?  everything is artificial, everything is bullshit and we've got a liar and treasonist for president and this after white america spent 8 years calling Barack Obama everything but a child of God. 

i can't turn it off anymore, can't tune it out.  my filters are all fried, and it's like just about every visual and audio top-level stimuli comes right into my head, 24/7.  that's got a lot to do with it too. 

you know, i do the regular every day.  even when i was out of town, i prayed, i read, and i took my meds. 

but there's got to be something, something that i can unearth so i can look at it and dispose of it properly.  meantime, just stay on auto pilot and try to get over a body of water, i guess.  i'll be okay. 

thank you, Father, for getting me out the house earlier. 

stressing...

this is getting to be a bit much.  i don't know what the fuck is going on, if its me or everyone else, but i know i'm sick of it either way.  i've already stated that i know everyone else can't be the problem and therefore it must exist within me, but that don't mean i instantly understand all this bizarre shit going on.

i'm at home at the moment.  i had to come home, having had to cancel a doctor's appointment.  i didn't get out to see Syd and LZ, i didn't get out of work on time because someone is riding with me, learning my route for when they have to take over, and it's not easy.  still, i could use some regular shit, some normalcy coming down this path for a moment or two. 

as it stands, the day began well enough.  i got up with the alarm, i got my meds in me and a light breakfast, got my books read, got dressed and out the door.  at work i had a rider today because i'll be out thursday and friday, so someone has to drive my route.  that didn't impact all that much in the morning but it was so slow in the afternoon.  and it was hot, hot as hell.  and i went to see my parents between runs and my mom was still in some weird space, and trying to figure out what's going on is senseless when everyone says, 'i'm okay.'

i'm waiting to see if Lonnie can bring me a bar of chocolate for my chili for tomorrow, and if he can't i'll go with plan B.  i wish it would rain, open up and just pour liquid hell for about 36 hours, and then it'd be cool and everyone will chill out.

my mother seems to be of the impression that unless i come by every day that i'm not there at all.  i can't do anything about that, because that's not the itinerary.  my dad doesn't seem to much care, but i'm sure it's because he has his autonomy when i don't impose on his regimen. 

spending time with De'ja was good.  having someone to talk to, even for the limited time and receptiveness that they could engender, was good too.  seeing the city i once loved turned more into s fucking strip mall was not good.  i didn't go by the old houses, didn't ride the old streets.  i went to see YW because i didn't want to hear her mouth and i didn't really want to speak to her on the phone.  i'm tired of being the sounding board, tired of arguing my emotions with people who are in denial about theirs.  i'm weary. 

i have to call my urologist tomorrow and make sure this thing is going to be doable on Thursday, as i'm only going to be stopping my Xarelto tomorrow.  don't know if that's enough time for the clotting to be restored.  but i want the biopsy done.  i want to get all this over with.  and i want to get my life back on track again.  we'll see how it turns out.  meanwhile, i need to get ready for tomorrow, and i need to log my food intake at the Dining Room.  so, thank you, Jehovah, for a day of work and a day of thoughtfulness. 

home

i am here, it is morning and i'm' ready for work. 

it's nice to be back.  it has been a strange weekend.  i can do a quick recap, as i've wasted a bunch of time fucking around online rather than getting my shit ready to roll. 

so, i did the first day there, which is good.  on Saturday, i did hook up with my friend Vera, and we had dinner, where i began to cry publicly while speaking to her about my state of mind and affairs of late.  whereupon she told me her own stuff, which is sort of similar, and took me to a strange, crowded place where some local person was singing at a Gallery Hop event, which is when all the yuppies come out and peruse the streets of the short north area and campus to show how 'hip' they are.  it was miserable.  the singer was cool but i knew none of his material, everyone else being local did of course.  there was nowhere to sit, it was hot and stuffy and i felt isolated and an alien in what would once have been a comfortable environment.  i'm not daunted by crowds any longer; it was purely emotional discomfort within me leaving me feeling alone and outside.

i finally got back to my room and almost immediately went to sleep.  the next day, De'ja came early, we had some food, went to Wal-mart where i got his stuff he asked for for his birthday, and we went to lunch for the real meal, which was average. we went to the park and rode around the city.  i know he was worried about me, and i hate that i worried him.  the ride home was uneventful and i came in and went to sleep pretty much.

it was a sad adventure.  i really don't feel there's any good purpose to me going to Columbus anymore.  no one i know is doing anything, no one that was a recovery friend is open to me, and if i have to take care of people, i have enough people here to tend to without traveling to find more.  so, i guess i'll see what's east or west next time. 

i am grateful, however...i feel clearer about some things and don't feel as if the trip was wasted.  i do feel rested this week, so we'll see how things turn out, right?  thank you, Father, for a safe trip and a home to come back to. 

What Is This?

I don't know why I didn't write yesterday. I was tired, I was on the road in the evening, I was driving most of the day as it turns out. I did not bring a laptop, and writing on the phone is usually pretty tedious. But I want to update anyway. I'm going through something pretty rough right now. I have been down, in ways that I have not felt depressed in a long time. I have no doubt some of this is due to the upcoming biopsy. I have no doubt some of this is due to the past year and the anniversaries that tend to Echo in my mind. But I know that's not all of it.
Yesterday wasn't a bad day. But it would be bad. I got my stuff together in the morning and I got to work. I ate, prayed, read, and took my medicines. Work was not eventful, which is always a good thing. I guess from the middle of the day I started feeling the heaviness of it. Speaking to my counselor usually brings that on these days. And I don't mean to suggest that my counselor is depressing me. What I mean is, counseling is a place of being more honest and I seem to live at this time in the zone of depression management. That kind of ends when I start talking about how I'm feeling.
But maybe that's what I need to do. Maybe if I could pull more of the stuff out of me and bring it out into the open, maybe that would give me some relief. I don't know for sure. I know the end of the day I was sad, over thoughtful. I know I wanted to get here to think. And I know now, I feel like I'm thinking too much. I got something to eat, I'm laying in this bed, and it's like being at home. So it's time to do something different. I don't know what that is just yet, I have some plans for this evening, and maybe I'll find the answers in new activity. I am grateful, however, to God for all the blessings and for my life.

out of town bound...

next week it begins.  a new chapter, forced to be written by necessity of culture, color, age and health.  fear grows like mold on the inside of my spirit, but i continue on.  but i'm going to give myself a respite, even at the expense of some things i'd much rather do.  and that's where it's at right now.

i had a good day today. relatively pain free for the past two days.  slept well, got up sleepy but that was more due to the perfect sleep night than to any other factor.  i prayed, had coffee, ate a peach, read my scriptures and meditation books and ate leftover pizza and took my meds.  i got dressed, got to work and got the day done.  no more eventful than that today.  between runs, i visited Syd and LZ, i had lunch with Lonnie and i thought about my life.  much the same as yesterday, except then i did a load of clothes and i went to my meeting.

now i'm gathering up clothes for my trip.  i seem to be on the wrong side of most of my friends and family today, and i wonder if my apprehension about the upcoming tests is starting to leak out into my spiritual groundwater supply.  i would have to say, if everyone seems to have an issue with me, likely i have an issue.  but for now, i just want to get on the road.  i was going to rent a car, but i did reserve a room and dropping four bills off rip just to hang out with De'ja and maybe VB is wasteful and profoundly stupid.  so, keep the room, drive my car or borrow my mom's depending on it's availability.  but it's cool.  i just want to work on this song, have some dinner with De'ja, get some rest, think some thoughts, maybe do some writing and come back ready to be prodded and violated and tested.

for now, i feel pretty good.  going to tidy a bit, get packed and chill until.  counseling tomorrow, a good thing.  thank you, Father, for your patience with me.