return journey

a very hard ride home today.  but i made it.  it's 'home' that's really the hard part.

i didn't sleep well again.  i believe sleep is a luxury i am going to do without for a while.  i tried stretching out on as much couch as i could, and i swear i felt things crawling on me.  psychosomatic, possible.  Keith's dog seemed to be exuberant in its scratching and i'm sure it put the 'flea' idea into my head.  so i sat up and extended the footrest and that got me to about 2 in the morning again.  my Columbus wake-up time, i'm guessing.  i watched a movie, nodded out til about 330 or so, then decided it was time to get this party started quickly, right?  (song reference).  i said my prayer, put on coffee, got my shoes on and went for a walk.  i love walking the neighborhoods early in the morning.  especially ones that i used to roam in my much younger days.  there is so much character in the decay.  the houses, the duplexes and rowhouses, are structured in such an interesting way, as if no two people were allowed to design any matching houses on any block.  and in their ruin, they seem as if they are haunted, but by still living souls, rather than by ghosts or poltergeists.
i finished a half-hour walk, had some coffee, checked my sugar (which was on the higher side), took my insulin, including a burst of fast acting, took my pills, made myself some breakfast and gathered up my things.  after using the bathroom, i took off for Youngstown.
but i didn't get far.
(note to self; have to mail Keith's keys back to him asap tomorrow)
i got sleepy as soon as i was on the road, on I-71.  i mean, serious nodding, and it was dark, and it was rainy, and i realized i had Keith's keys, that he'd left them in my car.  so i called him as i pulled into the rest area just outside of Columbus, told him where i was and that i'd be sleeping for a minute, because i could drive no further.  i then slept for a good hour.  when i woke, i felt rather refreshed, enough to get it started again.  i called him back, but he wasn't able to come get the keys.  i told him i'd mail them back, hence the note to myself.
i did not rush.  i did not fly.  i took my time.  i stopped for gas.  i stopped for bathroom.  i did not try to break records getting here.  i thought about my trip.  i thought about how hard it would be to create a data base for my publishing service.  i thought about what i'd need to learn when the time came.  i thought about De'ja being so sad, and trying so hard not to show it.  i thought about how his mother looked the same way.  i thought about Porsha, and how she must think i don't give a damn about her sometimes.  i thought about the need of a person for a person, a need created from a need.  i thought about Keith and Ronda, so happy together when i first met them.  i thought about Syd, getting older, about me getting old.  and i thought about what i'd learned.
bookstores don't really exist anymore.  neither do 'record' stores, though we still call them that.  like the old 'video' stores that now carry only dvd's, bookstores are either the monoliths that are too ponderous to die quickly, or they are the small remora fish, seeking to live off the scraps that the juggernauts drop carelessly in passing.  the places i'd tried were all of the same vein.  not really dealing with the business, but dealing with being 'characters of interest' in the drama that they'd made their lives into.  the girl that i met at Black Art Plus never did plug into my Facebook page, nor did i expect her to.  the guy from Ujamaa laid out a money-making scheme to entice new writers to surrender to 'vanity' publishing, as long as it's 'real-world' packaged.  i have some alterations in mind, and i'm going to enact them very soon.  but that is enough, i made it home, about 930, maybe 10.

i went to the apartment, saw Joe, saw the clutter accumulating and knew that it was no longer really my apartment.  it made me sad, but it was also a bit thrilling.  i hate the messiness, it is so unnecessary.  but i know my moving on has to happen now, there is no choice.  i got my money back, went to the bank to make my deposits and went to my parents.  i made my mom and omelet, cleaned the dishes, talked with my aunt and my dad and left.  i went to get some lunch, a sandwich and salad, and i paid on some of my credit card bills while i ate.  that is, after all, the purpose of all this change, to get caught up,  or at least on the path of economic security again.
after lunch, i talked to Lonnie and then went to the library. just wanted some time to decompress.  one of the things i realized while i was in Columbus is just how bone-jarringly weary i truly am.  it goes all the way down to marrow and corpuscles, this tiredness.  but there is no time to rest.  so after i fucked around a bit, i narrowed my searches to what i needed to make my efforts more productive, and i have a checklist of things i'm going to do.  as i was leaving, Rachel called me.  her trip has not been all that good, but she continues to seep the positive spin on it.  i told her about my journey, and we spoke of other things.  i then finished the call and went into Syd's to get a shower, some food and a change of clothes.  Joe left, i assume for work, and i got myself together.  the shower felt good.  i have dirty clothes that i must wash in my trunk.  i must also get my trunk reordered.  i talked to Syd for a bit, encouraging her to work on cleaning a bit more, then i left after giving her a hug.
i came to my parent's house again, sitting in their driveway, reading a graphic novel i got from the library.  i went to the store for my dad.  i'd talked to my uncle about possibly crashing out in his driveway, as after seeing a Liberty cop giving a woman a ticket (in aggressive fashion) for parking incorrectly at the Dollar General, it made me think it may be prudent to simply stay out of their way.
currently, i'm on my parent's computer, doing this thing.  i am going to the gym in the morning, and i'll start moving it around from there.  i have chores to tend to and a name to promote.  i don't know what the future holds, but i know who holds the future.  thank you, Jehovah.

Lessons...

It's been a long day. I am satisfied, in a way, with how things have turned out. I can't wait to get back to Youngstown though.

I couldn't sleep well last night either. I was up too early, and I sat on the couch thinking. Finally I said my prayers comma and got moving into my day. I didn't walk, still no readings, and I didn't go for coffee. I made my way East to Keith's house. I had breakfast, coffee and conversation. I got my head together and my thoughts right and I got to work.
I went to the Ujamaa bookstore, and as om Mt. Vernon, the proprietor wasn't in. I then went to see Vera and family at the flower gallery, but I didn't stay long. I wasn't feeling her and wasn't feeling a need to explain.
I then went to visit Ronda and caught up a bit and she bought 2 books. I came back to Keith's and hung out.
I called the number I was given to the bookstore and was given a valuable lesson, which I'll go into later. I talked to Rachel, Lonnie, Mom and Dad. I talked to Syd. I've watched tv and eaten and I'm ready to roll.
The lesson I learned. The guy from the book store told me they don't just take books anymore. They take a fee, to put you in there Data Bank, which gives their customers access to your link. That's what I'm doing now. Therefore, I have to alter my Approach. I'm going to call all places and set up my itinerary in advance. I'm going to increase my social media contact list at least fifty-fold. And then I can use the increased contacts to do this for me. Data bank. Because if anyone's going to get paid for a minimum of work...its gonna be me.
Sleepy now. I miss my bed.  Thank you, Father.

slipstream

some days, it just comes clear.  this is a space that a person has to travel through to get to where they are supposed to be.  there is no way to supersede that process and there is no genuine way to avoid ti completely.  you have to go through that space, and perhaps, if you've paid attention, you will find that you've become what you thought you never could.  it's a slipstream of sorts, where time goes forward and backward simultaneously, and the true trick is to watch it, to be certain you're going where you actually wanted to go.

time travel is not impossible...it happens every day in the human mind.

so i got up this morning after a night of intermittent leg cramps waking me from a fitful sleep, and when the leg cramps weren't working on me, the bladder surely was. i managed to get back to sleep for a period of time, but i was still tired and expected to be.  nonetheless, i had a breakfast date with Chris and i intended to keep it.
no dramatics involved.  Syd told Chris i was here, indicative of Syd being worried about me.  Chris asked if we could hook up and i told her she could buy me breakfast today.  we went to Bob Evans in what was part of our old neighborhood, and like everything else, the changes were evident.  we spoke of many things, including i guess cabbages and kings.  but the gist was i urged her to leave the pain that she's always carried with her behind when she leaves the state, as she deserves a life free from poisoned melancholy.  i thanked her for being a part of my life and for Syd.  we let it go at that, though we met far longer than i'd expected.  but that's not a bad thing either.
I did say my prayers this morning, and i took my medicine, but i left my readings at the apartment.
i came back to DeJa's from breakfast and got myself centered, though still exhausted.  DeJa's girlfriend went to a brunch and DeJa fixed us some lunch and then we went to the store.  we talked about his relationship things, and mine, and his business, and mine, and eventually he and she went to work.  it is always nice visiting with him.  i looked up bookstores in Dayton and have plans to head that way tomorrow.  no harm in trying, right?  tonight, i'm going to lay back, make some calls, get some rest and plan my day tomorrow.  i am going to see Porsha and her son tomorrow, will likely see Vera also.  but i have to keep placing my information, if i want this to eventually bear fruit.  thank you, Father, for a good day.

winding down...

it is 9 in the evening. i am laying in a bed in my son's apartment.  he and his girl are at work.  they work at the same restaurant, and they'll be in later.  i should have time to spend with him tomorrow.  i have no major plans.

today went okay, but i am going to have to see about the car's suspension, the brakes at the very least.  she's sturdy, but to be sixteen years old she's going to need care, and a more delicate life wouldn't hurt and hasn't.  but the time for delicacy has passed, sadly.

i left my friend's house and came to DeJa's this morning.  i went to McD's for breakfast, and i brought coffee with me.  Sophie, DeJa's girlfriend, came down about an hour or so after i came in, and we talked.  i did not pry into things of which i may have some awareness.  people will tell you what they want you to know.  we just spoke of general things, and she went to get us both some coffee.  she offered to make me some breakfast but i declined, as i'd already eaten.

i was also aware that Syd had told her mom that i was here.  that indicates more than anything that Syd is worried about me.  but it's not an issue.  i'm changing my itinerary.  it may be more helpful to Syd to feel like she is looking after me.  i'll probably run into her mother tomorrow.  she asked me if i wanted to go to a CA meeting, but i'm not here for that.

i went to two businesses today.  one was Zawadi Books on Mt. Vernon, where i met a woman named Spanky and got a number to call the owner about carrying my books.  i gave her a business card with my info on it as well.  then i went to Black Arts Plus, a store that's been on Parsons for a long time.  just up from downtown, it is a store that carries many African American prints, various pictures of iconic individuals, as well as some African-styled carvings and paintings.  a very old shop, a very comforting spirit.  i met a girl from Akron who comes to Columbus to work there, and i did a poem for her and gave her a card.  she said she will 'friend' me on Facebook and she'll plug me in as best as she can in Akron.  that would be really cool.
i went to the Battisse Galleria but couldn't bring myself to go in.  i'll have to get there, perhaps tomorrow.  thing is, i'm still kind of salty with the proprietress.  she said 'Let me do your book signing', insisted upon it, and then just faded on me.  she said 'I want you to edit my book', and then faded on me.  so for someone to pretend they're worried about you, then to renege on aiding you in bettering your position...something is suspect in that to me.  it's not enough for me to cancel our friendship cards, but it enough to make me watch and be more attentive to details i may have missed in my previous enthusiasm. everyone has a story to tell.

i went to Wendy's for dinner, which sucks.  i was going to cook something, but there are eggs and vegetables, and that is what i had for lunch.  so i left it alone.  i've been listening to music, watched Blazing Saddles on Netflix, and i'm about to try to get to sleep.

i wish Rachel were here.  at the same time, i don't.  life can be complicated

my feet are trying to cramp up on me.  think i need to make sure i drink more water on this journey.

Thank you, Father, for bringing me through this day.

GROUND CONTROL

Well, its a new day. Recapping because its been trying getting launched. But i'm on this journey. Waking and thinking, so i believe i'm on the right track.
Friday i got up and bypassed the gym, figuring i'd need my energies. I prayed, read my books, had my coffee, took my meds and insulin and saw Syd off to school. I had my breakfast, loaded more things into my car (loaded clothes & shoes Thursday) and went to counseling.
From there i went to the bank, took out rent, went to pay rent, went to my parents and updated them and made breakfast for them, stopped at the apartment to make sure Syd's check came, mailed Lynn a copy of Waiting For Jesus, went to Ford Nature Center to sign background check, went to lunch with Lonnie, came back for comforter, took Syd to cash her check and deposit money in bank and gassed up. I didn't get on the road til 3 or so. Meanwhile, found that my friend had died on Wednesday, found my friend Keith's water was shut off (which, of course, us where i currently am) and miss Rachel immensely. But. I've launched. Prayed this morning. Enough water in gallons to flush toilet (whew!). Sugar is good. I'm drinking coffee and about to take meds. After that, the day's flight begins. Thank you, Jehovah, for watching over me. More tonight.

t minus 24...

The Children

Well, it's time.  i've got my clothes packed.  i've got my mind as right as it's going to get, and i've got my mindset ready to roll.  i am nervous, and i'm not at all surprised.  still have to gather some material, but otherwise, it's going to be what it's going to be.  my prayer is that my daughter is safe, that my family is watched over and watches over each other, and that i learn what i need to learn and see what is in front of me to see.  there are stories to be found on this journey, of that i am certain.  

I feel good today. I slept long and deep last night, a good sleep.  a heavy mediation video, and i woke with the alarm.  i still felt draggy; i'm pretty sure i've got some kind of bug that is waiting to ambush me in my physiology.  but i got up, i said my prayer, i got coffee and water, my reading was good as far as my sugar, i was in my gym clothes, heated the car and read a scripture and my meditation books.  then i took off for the gym.

i was having some questioning thoughts on the treadmill today.  a couple ladies i'd not seen in at that time before, one came in right behind me, first wave.  she had two pairs of gym shoes; one for weights and one for the treadmill.  she also had bluetooth headphones, the only other person than myself i've seen with them on.  what i noticed most was that she seemed to keep watching where i was.  then i realized; she'd left her phone atop her gym bag and was checking up on it.  but i was the closest to it.  

her friend came in and she came up front to the treadmills.  she changed shoes and got on the treadmill next to mine.  they were speaking, and i believe they work at the JCC.  but the one who came in after me, other than making sure her stuff was okay, never even looked in my direction.  and i don't mean she had to; pleasantries cost nothing, and a friend or an ally can be made with a simple hello.  of course, i didn't speak to her either, but she was an intruder in my time slot.  and it made me think...are we really strangers like that these days?  have these times redrawn enemy lines between skins, scriptures and societies, or have we simply kept them moderately maintained and now are acutely aware of them again?  i did my walk and left, and talked to the woman at the front desk, who is gathering her art together and will be contacting me soon to come pick it up.  it's time to set the tone of her book, so that i can get her 'interview' done and have the writing to go with her art.  this is going to be a good thing.  

i got home and took my medicine and insulin and had breakfast.  i had gathered my business cards and flyers before i went to the gym, and i was not in a rush to just go through the rest of my stuff.  Syd had a doctor's appointment and that was the main event of the day.  we went to Akron Children's way out in Boardman and i sat in the waiting room and read James Baldwin's 'Blues for Mister Charlie', realizing i'd read it before and realizing still that James Baldwin was an amazing man and is still the north star i follow.  after Syd was done we got lunch at LaRiccia's (i think is the name) and came home.  i talked to Syd about a lot of things along the ride, just stuff that i want to make sure i get in by way of observation and instruction.  i believe they're going to do just fine, there's no way they can 'accidentally' fuck things up.  no accounting for personal drama, but that's not my concern.  anyway, we came home and i talked to Lonnie and then laid down.  my mind was going, but that's to be expected, i suppose.  

i just finished getting my clothes together, for the most part.  i'm about to go clean out my trunk, not much to do there, and i'm going to load up my clothes and my shoes.  after that, i'm going to gather my paperwork, my medicine for traveling and whatever odds and ends i can remember.  i'm going to finish loading after Syd goes to school tomorrow, but clothes go out tonight.  i have to remember to get my books, my proposition, my booklist and a few other 'sales' things together.  then tomorrow, counseling, fill in the physical application for the Lanternman's Mill position at Mill Creek, lunch with Lonnie.  then I'm highway bound.  then the sadness will war with the excitement for real, but i'll watch that internal battle on interstate 76 and 71.  Jehovah, thank you for everything.  I am truly grateful for your intercedence  on my behalf.  

Oh, and notice the book in the middle?  WAITING FOR JESUS is now in paperback.  YAY!!! 

...all systems go...

in the process of preparing for this journey, or this leg of the journey, i've been doing some self-assessment.  i think it's important, that this trip be not for nothing, that there is a learning and a gathering and a growing that comes from these efforts.  i want to write about this when it's done.  mostly, though, i want to find out if there is a chance to get my stuff out into the public. i want someone to actually look for my books.  i think that would be a pretty cool thing to do.

i got up and got out of bed this morning, but it was too early.  i didn't go to the gym.  i woke to a storm, rain and thunder and lightning, the whole nine.  i laid in my bed for a bit, but sleep wouldn't return, so i said a prayer and went to the kitchen to start coffee.  my blood sugar was good, i took insulin and meds and saw Syd out the door.  after i ate breakfast, i tried to lay back down and go to sleep but such was not to be, so i got up and got ready for the meeting.

i got there early, talking to Rachel who called as i was going into the Fellowship Hall.  we talked for a bit and Deja called and i told him i'd call him after the meeting.  the meeting was very small, but we finished the second half of Step 12 and next week we'll be doing Tradition 12.  then we start again at step 1.  on my way home i talked to Deja.  as usual, i couldn't understand much of what he was saying but he welcomed me to his home while i'm in Columbus and i appreciate that.  i went to visit my mother briefly, as i was still pretty tired.  then i went to the store to get some soup for lunch and biscuits for the stew for dinner.  i came home, talked to Rachel again, had my lunch and went back to laying down.  i looked up a couple of bookstores so i would have some places to contact in the Summit county area.

i have had dinner, i just had my snack.  going to take my night time meds and i'm going to shut it down soon.  i don't know if sleep will come, but it won't be for lack of facilitation.  i have to take Syd to a doctor's appointment tomorrow.  i need  to check my calendar and see when my doctor appointment is next week, as i need to be here for that.  i am still very tired, but i feel okay.  shoulder has been hurting all day.  but tomorrow is a gym day and i plan to go.


i've been seeing that i don't have much of a desire to argue with people anymore.  there is a strange level of programming that is going on, not subtle at all, but slightly different.  as if they are not going to be content to have a rabid minority ready to shed blood for the slightest conceptualized provocation, but they want the majority of the disenfranchised at each other's throats as well.
today, on Facebook, i posted the definition of RETARD.  now, let me spell it in emphasis, so it's clear.  reTARD, not REtard.  get it?  reTARD is a verb. "delay or hold back in terms of progress, development, or accomplishment:"  it is an action. now, having posted the entirety of this definition, including the fact of it being a verb and the words that are synonymous with the term, someone i know queried whether i was saying it was 'all right' to use that word.  i decided not to answer.  because, if i bother to give the parameters of something that i'm thinking and you choose, for your own reasons, to feel questionable intent on my part, you have that right.  but i won't defend myself any longer, as it serves no good purpose.
i didn't go into great detail about why i posted it, but i was reading in a paper i got from my parent's house about a guy from Niles or Howland who killed two people and wounded 3 others over a beef that was played out on Facebook.  it was about him dating a woman whom apparently he was seeing while she was still married, and he got into a pissing match with the ex's son and friends.  but he emptied a gun into one of their vans, went back into his house for a fresh clip and shot some more into the van and the people.  over a beef.  played out on facebook.  and now he's facing murder charges.  and all i can think, honestly, is 'that is someone who has had their growth retarded, someone whose mental capacity has been stymied from the outside in'.  and i see it all the time.  so, i think my thoughts.  and i may see my questioning friend this coming weekend.  gonna try, anyway.  but i'm not going to explain myself then either.  at least, i don't think i will.  Thank you, Father, for a good day.