crisis wave

i didn't write yesterday.  it turned into a not so good day, after all.  i'm going to talk about it, catch up and try to figure some things out along the way.

i didn't go to the gym yesterday, didn't get out for my walk either.  i've been hurting somewhat over the past couple of weeks, i've attributed it to my inactivity, and i haven't been eating as i should either.  those could be valid things, but i should have been more active and i have started eating more responsibly again.  i went to counseling, i came home and i sort of just lazed about.  there was nothing to do except clean my bedroom, but i wasn't feeling that.
fast forward to around five pm or so, and i got a call from Syd relaying a request from my dad to fetch him a jacket and bring it to St. E's emergency room, as he was there with my mother.  i didn't catch the implication, and was moving to just dismiss it for the moment, but she clarified that my mother was in emergency and likely had had a stroke.  so i got angry, and i got dressed and went to get a jacket for him and called my older brother to ride with me but i couldn't reach him so i went alone.
i found my mom and dad in the emergency room itself.  my mom was on a er bed and my dad was in a chair swaddled in thin emergency room blankets.  she was parked in the corridor by the nurses station.  it was a very busy night for bad medicine apparently.  i finally got my brother and told him what was going on and he made his way down as well.  i talked to my dad, my anger dispelled, and he said he hadn't got word from the beginning either, that my sister convinced my mother to call her doctor, as she was having trouble with her left eye and arm.  her doctor told her to get to the hospital er and she complied.
i stayed through my brother and baby sister coming and going, and i stayed until they got her into a room and through my dad leaving.  i told her to take it easy and to not try to rush out of the hospital, and finally i left, and it was after 8pm when i got home.  i had a chicken pot pie my baby sister had brought for my mother that she couldn't eat, and I had that and a piece of chicken leftover for dinner.
today i got up and moved slowly but steadily.  i said prayers, got up and got dressed and went to St. E's to get bloodwork for an appointment with Dr. Pandya on Friday approaching.  i had breakfast afterward in the cafeteria and then i went to visit my mother.  she looked pretty much as she always does, and she was just finishing up breakfast.  i sat with her for a bit and then came home as i'd not taken any of my medicines, since it was a fasting bloodwork.  i got in, took insulin and pills and got my room straightened up.  my brother came by and i talked to him for a few.  i debated on whether i should try to catch Rachel or not.  i've not heard from her since Tuesday's outing, and i'm sure something has gone wrong in her life.  but i am staying close to home for now.  i went to see Heather in jail and went through some recovery stuff.  she has a big book, at least the text portion, which is cool.  and i am moving her to her 3rd step, so she can prepare to rid herself of some long, festering baggage.  then i went to visit my mom again.
family was there, my cousin Vic, the older of my sisters and my dad.  i talked with them and my mother briefly and then left to come home.  i've been here, thinking of things and trying to work out my emotions, since then.
i'm glad she's in the hospital.  i know that time is short for all of us, and there's nothing you can do when you're number comes up.  but it was something of a strong reaction.  i guess, when my dad goes, he's there so much now i'm sort of desensitized to it.  he goes, he goes by himself, he stays if they let him, invariably nothing is wrong except he's getting older and he comes home until the next time.  but my mother does not enjoy hospitals, does not want to be there and avoids doctors because she fears the worst, i'm sure is the reason.  she used to be the one always at the hospital and my dad was the one who would stay away.  funny how things change.
and seeing my parents getting older, my mom being sick (small stroke), my dad losing a step here, a step there, it brings home the mortality issue.  death is not far away, it is never as far away as we choose to believe it is, it is always closer than we're comfortable knowing is true.  so there has to be a dealing with it, an acceptance, even if its just an uneasy acceptance.  i have to work on that now.  because there's work to do under any circumstances.  and the road only gets shorter, never longer.  I thank Jehovah for watching over my mother and my family.

working it out

today has been a peaceful, stressful day.  i've been having more of these strange combination days lately.  what are you going to do?
i got up with prayer.  i decided against the gym, due to the late conversation and early waking with Syd.  i also had to have a talk with Joe about his hanging out here all day while Syd was sick, and about coming in and not actually doing shit when you're like as if you belong.  I have a problem with being the only person maintaining my environment with other people living in it.  pet peeve i guess.
anyway, i prayed, i didn't go to the gym, i watched some television and then went to my parent's house.  I talked to my mother for a few and then i got on the road to Akron to pick up my baby sister from the airport.
it was a stressful ride.  just outside of Akron there was some kind of accident on the two-lane highway that slowed everything to a standstill at times.  I had left with a time-frame of being slightly early, and instead i ended up slightly late.  on the way back, i got turned around twice, which is really pretty weird as i've only made the trip on I-76 a hundred times in my driving life, on the way to and from Columbus.  but it was construction both times that got me turned around, and it made me feel pretty old.  but i had a nice, if sparse, conversation with my sister, and i got her home safe.  then i cam back to my apartment.
i saw right away Joe got the grass cut, which was cool.  i came in, got some lunch in me and watched some more television, then decided i'd do the cleaning i'd neglected for the past two weeks.  i'm now done with the kitchen and bathroom and i am going to have the living room done before i go to bed.  bedroom can wait til tomorrow, it won't take long.  i'm going to try to do some writing as well, put some pages together, i've been off my balance a bit, but that's just life at this point.  do what you can when you can and don't beat yourself senseless over what you have to wait on, because waiting is all that happens until the grave anyway.
my brain works a bit better with the clutter reduced, though the hair on my head is still a thought-impediment.  but i am grateful to God for this day of life, as I know there are many who have not seen the sunset today, and i am blessed for that if nothing else, and there is an abundance more.

yesterday's news today

i'm up, in my normal time zone.  i am sleepy as i didn't get to sleep until around midnight, for an interesting reason that i'll get to soon enough.  i feel good though, with some worries that I'll be addressing fairly soon.

yesterday, i didn't write, because the night was full and the day was without a break of significant reset proportion (nap) and i realized it this morning so i'm going to play catch-up.

i got up on wednesday morning with prayer.  i got to the gym and worked the machines.  i truly need to get back to walking, need some aerobic stuff in my life.  i got a call from Syd while at the gym that she was still not feeling well.  i finished my workout a bit earlier than planned and went to the store to get stuff for Syd, meds and chicken soup stuff.
i got home, got some medicine into her, got some breakfast into me, a frittata, and i sort of eased through my day.  I told Joe i wanted the grass cut if he was going to hang out here all day.  i actually did not want him hanging out here all day, but at the same time i didn't want to cut the grass.  it was sort of lose/lose with the rain, sorry to admit.
i got my shit together and left for the meeting about 11am.  i set up, the secretary made it today, which was cool, and i'm pretty sure he's going to decide he needs to step down.  in his case, i completely understand.  he's an older man, likely in his seventies, HIV, diabetes and some other illnesses, and he's not doing as well as he'd like to be health-wise.  but he is still stand-up as so many others, so many younger individuals have found themselves unable to be.  it makes one think.
i left the meeting and came home to start my dinner and get ready for the evening.  i got my stuff done, took a shower, got dressed and went to pick up Rachel about 545 to go see W Kamau Bell.
It was nice to have time with Rachel, and we hung out, talked a bit, caught Bell's 'lecture' which was more like a light version of his comedy routine, and we came back here and had dinner.  i took her home, talked to Lonnie until i got back home and then i talked to Syd for a good while about her concerns with Heather being in communication with me until i had to go to sleep, as i have to collect my baby sister from the airport this day.
I have no desire for Heather at all.  it's one of those things, and i guess maybe it's not cool but it is cool.  i don't know if i ever really did, to be honest.  when i met Heather I was eleven years younger and going through some horrendous changes mentally and emotionally.  I was fucking around with her and two other women i worked with, because i was compensating for the failure that i felt like pretty much 24/7.  but i didn't get deep into that with Heather because she was so young (18 at that time) and because she wasn't able to grasp the concept of not falling in love with me.  when she would re-enter my life, i'd help her out, i'd accept her affection and return it to a degree, but it was still in the drifting way i had emotionally.  i was unconnected from everyone, felt all women were crazy and didn't want to allow anyone to have full access to my heart.  in the prison situation, Heather says she left because she felt herself about to use again and didn't want to hurt me.  i do believe she has convinced herself of this, and addicts are wonderful actors.  but i am a recovering addict, active in a 12 step life, and Heather has known that since we met.  she knew from the start that if she was having issues, i would be able and willing to help her.  so, if she knows enough or feels enough or remembers enough to reach out to me now, then she knew enough two years ago, because it's the same information she's pulling from now.  but i'm not condemning her for that, and that's what i tried to convey to Sydney.
i've done my wrongs, in and out of recovery.  i've hurt people being stone sober and knowing my actions were wrong.  i was a younger man when i did those things, but karma doesn't have a timer attached to it.  as i want forgiveness, i have to forgive.  as i am losing friends because i am more demanding of people having my best interest at heart, i have to accept that i have to be a friend even to people who may not know how to have a healthy friendship.  because, what would a person think, knowing that i profess i'm a 'recovering addict through the twelve steps', if my thing is to say, 'FUCK YOU and i hope you rot in jail', because they did to me what dopefiends do all the time?  would that reflect well on the principles of the program i practice?  nothing in God's universe happens by accident, and there is a purpose to Heather being where she is and contacting me.  i won't know what that reason is unless i deal with it.  but for certain, there is no interest in physicality with her, there is no desire to cohabit with her and there is no divot of love that i can fall into with her.  reading is fundamental, it doesn't all happen with books, and learning is absolutely mandatory if one is to grow up.

okay, that's enough to start the day.  i've prayed, had one cup of coffee and am thinking of laying back down for a bit.  thank you, Jehovah, for breath to start the day.

replies

i didn't hit the gym today.  i don't know why.  i was up, dressed and all i had to do was leave out, but i decided to keep writing instead.  not really cool.

i said my prayers and got up, as stated.  i wrote a good amount and am happy with the way the story is progressing.  it should be done by the end of this month, and i'm going to give my sponsor a print off of it, just because he gave me the idea to write it. i had breakfast, i slept a lot of the morning away, and i went to lunch with Lonnie.  i got home and i lounged about, i made Syd and myself pancakes and eggs for dinner.  i feel okay, just sluggish.  the nights are cool and the days are warm without being oppressive.

i got another letter from Heather today, speaking on the insanity of her life, as i instructed, and about her inability to forgive herself.  i wrote a reply today, walking her more solidly through the first two steps and took her to the third step doorway.  we'll see if she can talk about how she relates to the notion of God.  but i am trying to live my prayer in that regard.  my heart is recovery based for her, and that's cool enough.

i talked to Rachel, she called me in the morning and the evening.  she has an interview tomorrow, which is great news.  she has been on the verge of shit getting cut off.  i'm keeping her hiring in my prayer, hoping for Jehovah's favor on her interview.

i've heard from Chris about De'Ja.  he's having some issues, apparently, but he's not talking to anyone about them.  i'm not going to try to reach into a blind place.  i will if i absolutely have to, but he has to learn to reach out, to extend a hand and ask for help.  he's too old now, its too late for coddling, though my parents would likely point out the help they still give me today.  i have no problem helping him; i have a problem with him not telling me what's going on with him.  life on life's terms.

i'm going to sleep, i don't know what i'm doing in the morning.  but if i wake up, i'll know then.  thank you, Father, and may your will be done on behalf of those who are in need of your intervention.

...push...

birth requires pushing.  well, natural birth anyway.  a mother is told to push, to bear down and bring the child forward through the birth canal.  well, that's my supposition.  never having been pregnant or given birth, I wouldn't know.  but it is definitely a way to get things to move that don't want to move easy.  sometimes, things just require a push.

I got up this morning, said my prayers and moved slow to get coffee started.  I had on my gym stuff, had a cup of coffee and some water and headed over to the gym.  I worked out on the machines for an hour, then came home and saw Syd off to school as I worked on Recovering man.  then I had eggs and grits for breakfast.  i wrote some more, but i was still tired, from the gym, the early hour and the binaural music i had on last night to sleep to.  i went to lay down, but couldn't get all the way under again.  i'd planned a nap, but that didn't happen.  i went to the store, got some food for later in the week and for dinner, got myself some lunch and watched a bit of TV.  i wrote quite a bit today, felt the story starting to flesh out the rest of the way.  I know now how it's going to end.  I talked to my mom, to Lonnie, to Syd.  I didn't hear from Rachel, but she still has no phone as far as i know.  I know its rough on her, i am very proud of her for holding up and out as long as she does.

i am going to lunch with Lonnie tomorrow.  I'm going to visit my parents on Thursday because my mother is having company tomorrow that I don't want to bother with.  i've still been thinking on how to make everything workable for the publishing service company.  it's going to take some doing, but i'm going to do it.  as soon as i get the plan together, i'm going to work it through.

i am going to push my ass to the gym in the morning.  some time on the treadmill, some time on weights, and some time on writing.  and we'll see what else the day brings.  it's been a cool day, i am grateful to God for that, and i'm going to lay down and take it easy for the night.

sunday thoughts

it's a good thing, to wake up on a sunday and feel okay.  cold, yes, and a bit sluggish, but feeling okay.  and that started the day in a good way and kept it going through to right now, the official ending.

i got up and prayed, but i wasn't rushing.  i got no cleaning done this weekend, got not much of what i really needed to do done, but i did what was in front of me at various times.  and i did the same today.  i had some breakfast.  i saw my brother when he stopped by.  i keep watching my new video, i'm so very happy with it.  i went to my meeting.  i went to see Rachel but she wasn't home, so i went to see my parents.  i talked to both my mom and dad, and i talked to Lonnie afterwards, and he seemed okay.  i had kfc for dinner as i didn't feel like cooking.  i paid a bunch on my credit cards.  i am currently about to shut it down so i can get to the gym in the morning.  i did a lot of writing in the Last Recovering Man.  it is going to be a good story, i can tell, and my writing is still maturing.  i can't believe i'm 48 and still 'finding my voice', such as it were.  

i saw De'Ja online today, but he said nothing, though i know he got my message.  i haven't heard from Patrice.  i guess the end is the end, and when you have control of the silence you hold onto it.  its what i did so i can't help but think it's what i've taught.  who we are can become the monster in another's skin that comes around to bite us in our asses.  but whether this is true or not, i am not regretting what i've said, or how i've conducted myself.  i'm not going to be sad about saying what is in my heart, or feel bad because i have feelings.  it is going to be what it is going to be, and that's not up to me.  it never is.

i thank my God, for everything and for whatever comes tomorrow.  i am glad to be who i am today.  

visiting day, part two

well, it's saturday.  i don't know how i missed yesterday, but i did.  it wasn't a bad day, it was a pretty good day actually.  from counseling, which i felt was productive and helped me get some thoughts in a linear placement, to Rachel's visit in the afternoon, which was unexpected and pleasant except for her headache.  but i didn't write, and i am writing now to put a bookmark in my day so i make sure i catch up tonight.

today is 'visit Heather in the county jail' day.  i received a call saying i was on the list, so i'm going.  i have only support in recovery to offer, but that issue is coming up quite a bit lately and i am trying to be a recovering addict as i'm supposed to be, as i was taught to be.  i'll do a full rundown later, once i get myself back here and settled.  but for now, that's the haps, other than a new ad i just finished editing that Rachel did the filming for yesterday night.

...continued...

well, the visit went okay, i suppose.  the visiting area of the youngstown jail is a dismal, ugly and hopeless place.  it is foul, there is a smell that combines sickness and sorrow, it's an underneath smell but its always there.  there's rust and water damage from poor plumbing, i imagine.  i sat in water in my chair during my visit.  the lockers when you have to keep your keys and valuables are all broken, well, most of them anyway.  but the saddest part of it to me, sadder even than Heather looking very much at home behind safety glass and in orange jail clothes, were the friends and family for whom the visit is completely normal. they congregate outside the jail and they talk to the people inside who look down upon them.  they come as if it is an event, as if it is just one more scene from one more movie that someone has to be filming.  the lingerers are all black, or poor poor white.  but who else would be coming so often they are a part of the ritual?  men, women and children.  i'm surprised people don't have parking lot parties outside the jail.  though i'm sure it would be some kind of illegal, it is the atmosphere when you walk out from visiting.

a guy gave me a quarter because i forgot about the pay to lock up non-lethal item thing.  i went to see Heather.  she cried, i didn't.  she said she had fractured her skull somewhere along the way.  i'm fairly certain its from the last time i heard from her, when she was supposed to have been in a car accident.  she is missing teeth on the left side.  she looks like someone has broken her, but i don't subscribe much to that reality.  i reiterated the same things to her:  i will visit to help her with her sobriety, i will support that, but i have to come to term with any friendship down the line.  i forgive her, i've let her off the hook, but i don't trust her right now.  and that i want her to get an AA big book, to start reading and identifying, to start writing on her life insanity so we can take a look at step 2.  she's going to be in til november, and then she goes to a treatment center.  but that's like saying she's going to go from the refrigerator into a marinade to season until she uses again.  and i am praying that I can help her find real recovery before they get their hooks into her spirit.  i told her to start going to the AA meeting there.  she said she would, we'll see.

funny thing is, she's the second person i had that conversation with.  the first one was miss SL, from the recovery coach classes.  she's been all fucked up, has consequences and is trying to get her shit together.  i am making suggestions to her as well, but i know i have to be mindful right now.  addicts are sneaky, we keep our own agenda and honesty does not come easy or last long with us.  so i hope they both follow some simple directions and take some appropriate action.

that's it for me for now.  i'm grateful to my Father in heaven for this day, and i'll be moving toward some better action myself.