well, i missed yesterday. journaling, that is. i was pretty much out of it after i cut the grass, so i forgot all about writing. but i'm on it today. so we'll catch up and get back on track.
yesterday. i got up and said my prayers. i went to breakfast with Marc, talked for awhile. came home, got myself in gear and cut the grass. it took quite a bit out of me, as i said earlier. i had Jo cut the hill on the back of the yard, but the rest i did. i visited my mom after i took a bath, got money for some groceries, took my dad to his party, came home and ate and put together my casserole for the potluck at the sunday meeting, and i crashed after i got him home. also, a guy that i sponsor came and visited, and we talked for a good while. and my brother stopped in a few times, and he seemed rather morose about his living thing, his housemate and his self as well. i'm worried about him but i haven't had a chance to talk to him about it again yet.
today, i had trouble getting out of the bed. i eventually got up, said my prayers, got meds and breakfast in and did some recording work. got a pretty good amount done on the recording that i did the day before, but i ended up scrapping the vocal tracks that i laid down as i wasn't pleased with them. well, i scrapped one. i re-recorded it, and i now have something serviceable, but i have to find a way to record it at the tempo that it's best played at. i went to the meeting, which went well, though only about half the people we've been getting lately. i went to visit Johnnie, which was nice. i came home and took my last insulin, and i ate dinner, leftovers from the potluck. i have been talking to R, who is back from Jamaica and to Lonnie, who is exhausted as well. i am going to sleep well, and i am going to the gym and to the grocery store tomorrow and i'm going to get this orbit moving with a bit more thrust in the days to come.
my observations today, i have not been logging food, and hence i've been eating off center. there is a correlation between being responsive in my need to be honest and simply doing what 'feels right' at the moment. i can't afford to fuck around like that, so i'm back to my logging in the morning.
I am talking to R, and she had a very eventful time in Jamaica. i've not said that i missed her, though i said i missed hearing her voice. she's not said she missed me, without any qualifiers. but that's okay, as she is talking to me and i'm not really sweating her at this moment. also, as previously stated, she has to start paying to play on this board. if she won't, then whoever has the coin will enter the game.
i talked to my mother about the feud she's having with her sister. i talked about it in a roundabout fashion, to try to get her to think and see a way out rather than be accusatory. accusing does nothing, but relating things about myself can sometimes give space to work one's own way out, i've found.
so, that's all i got for now. i am going to get some water, finish this conversation with R and then go to bed. thank you, Father, and i'm back in motion tomorrow.
Sunday, May 8, 2016
Friday, May 6, 2016
Faith as the Fulcrum
...this was something that i put into a text with my child's mother this morning. it is what i need to focus on as i go through this day, because i am in a bit of a bind, financially. i needed to see it to know what the level was going to be, and seeing the level only makes me anxious, but i know things are going to work out. i have faith. i just have to apply it. more on that in a bit.
i'll be going to the gym shortly. i got up after a restful night's sleep. i said my prayer and i came into the kitchen to get some coffee. there were old roses in the trash, as i imagine Syd got pre-prom roses and decided to finally toss her old ones. i took many of them and some old baby's breath from the trash and took pictures on a black sheet and designed a cover for a new story poem book, THE LAND OF EVOLON. (i love the evolution of an idea from an inspiration) i have to structure the verse sequence and outline the story, set the pentameter and then it's just writing it.
i started to get to the gym early but this isn't the most pressing day. i have gym and counseling. i have to take pictures of Syd and her friend in their prom clothes at Mill Creek. that's about the extent of the day. so i'm going to go do my weight machines and come home and get ready for counseling. or i'll reverse the order and go to counseling and then the gym. either way.
so, here's the deal. i have less than 400 in both bank accounts at this moment. i have paid rent, electric, gas and cable. i've had insurance, car payment and loan payment taken out of the bank. from my own disability, which is a grand and some change, i've got about 150 left. from the SSI for syd there is about 220. and the money just came in three days ago. no groceries yet. no phone payment for my phone. less than half a tank of gas. i've got credit cards, but that just means adding to monthly payments going out, and i'm not prepared to do that. so there is a part of me that wants to panic. but panic changes nothing for the better, and it's not really necessary.
i will get food in the house. i'm going to clean out the freezer and fridge this weekend, and i'm going to get groceries as i haven't in months, so i know what i'm working with. i hope that Felecia honors our agreement and pays me the rest of my money for my editing, which will add another 150 to the balance. i have 110 in my paypal account, so that and phone will be paid from there. but this will be a no frills month for sure. and i have to accept that, i have to just accept that living life takes money and at least i have enough on hand for the roof to stay overhead and the lights to stay on and i am blessed in that respect. like a lot of people, i tend to think in terms of how a lot of money would resolve all my problems. but that's not true. a lot of money would create a lot more problems. i have everything i need. i am going to go into the kitchen and have breakfast. i'm going to get dressed and go to counseling, and i'm going to the gym afterwards. i will likely just pay my gym bill by hand so no withdrawal is made from my bank, but maybe not. i just have to leave it alone. i've let about 300 go so that Syd can get what she needs from the child support card, and i won't regret that. taking the card back is not going to make things easier. what i am going to do, however, is speak to a person at One Main and ask about them removing the lien against the Cavalier. at the very least, if they do that i can remove the insurance from it and that will save a few dollars a month. at the most, i can sell the car, and that would be ideal, it does me no good just sitting. but we'll see. that's it for now.
i'll be going to the gym shortly. i got up after a restful night's sleep. i said my prayer and i came into the kitchen to get some coffee. there were old roses in the trash, as i imagine Syd got pre-prom roses and decided to finally toss her old ones. i took many of them and some old baby's breath from the trash and took pictures on a black sheet and designed a cover for a new story poem book, THE LAND OF EVOLON. (i love the evolution of an idea from an inspiration) i have to structure the verse sequence and outline the story, set the pentameter and then it's just writing it.
i started to get to the gym early but this isn't the most pressing day. i have gym and counseling. i have to take pictures of Syd and her friend in their prom clothes at Mill Creek. that's about the extent of the day. so i'm going to go do my weight machines and come home and get ready for counseling. or i'll reverse the order and go to counseling and then the gym. either way.
so, here's the deal. i have less than 400 in both bank accounts at this moment. i have paid rent, electric, gas and cable. i've had insurance, car payment and loan payment taken out of the bank. from my own disability, which is a grand and some change, i've got about 150 left. from the SSI for syd there is about 220. and the money just came in three days ago. no groceries yet. no phone payment for my phone. less than half a tank of gas. i've got credit cards, but that just means adding to monthly payments going out, and i'm not prepared to do that. so there is a part of me that wants to panic. but panic changes nothing for the better, and it's not really necessary.
i will get food in the house. i'm going to clean out the freezer and fridge this weekend, and i'm going to get groceries as i haven't in months, so i know what i'm working with. i hope that Felecia honors our agreement and pays me the rest of my money for my editing, which will add another 150 to the balance. i have 110 in my paypal account, so that and phone will be paid from there. but this will be a no frills month for sure. and i have to accept that, i have to just accept that living life takes money and at least i have enough on hand for the roof to stay overhead and the lights to stay on and i am blessed in that respect. like a lot of people, i tend to think in terms of how a lot of money would resolve all my problems. but that's not true. a lot of money would create a lot more problems. i have everything i need. i am going to go into the kitchen and have breakfast. i'm going to get dressed and go to counseling, and i'm going to the gym afterwards. i will likely just pay my gym bill by hand so no withdrawal is made from my bank, but maybe not. i just have to leave it alone. i've let about 300 go so that Syd can get what she needs from the child support card, and i won't regret that. taking the card back is not going to make things easier. what i am going to do, however, is speak to a person at One Main and ask about them removing the lien against the Cavalier. at the very least, if they do that i can remove the insurance from it and that will save a few dollars a month. at the most, i can sell the car, and that would be ideal, it does me no good just sitting. but we'll see. that's it for now.
Thursday, May 5, 2016
the pinch
there is some melancholy today. its not the worst thing that i could feel. i don't feel angry, i'm not depressed, i'm not sad. it is a rainy gray thursday. i have done the things that i needed to do and i am about to nap. i feel melancholy. i will be fine.
i got up and prayed and did the morning things. took meds, insulin. i had two eggs, sauteed ham and toast for breakfast. i got my mental state back online after letting Syd's friend crash here as he was having issues with his mother and his home. it was not a comfortable decision, but i know my parenting is never going to be taught in whatever passes for Home Ec these days. i got to the gym before i did meds or breakfast, walked a little over a mile on the treadmill. after breakfast i had some time so i laid back and fucked around online. texted back and forth with a columbus friend that i've not talked to in some months, then i went to my doctor's appointment.
numbers were good, weight is coming down again, sugar is good, blood pressure good, A1C good. doctor was concerned about the A1C being higher than last time, decided to increase my long acting slightly. no big deal. talked to Lonnie after i left doctor's office. he's really down and we made lunch plans. i went to the store and got stuff to make tuna casserole and a few other things. shopping is going to have to wait til i get my gift certificate and 717 takes this car payment from my account so i can see what i'm working with.
but i got electric, cable and gas paid. i've got half a tank of gas. i've got money coming from Felecia for the editing job this weekend, or should anyway. i've got a credit card from my bank should worst come to worst, and i am more than willing to accept any help i can get with groceries. so i'm not complaining. i feel melancholy. i'm almost broke and it's five days into the month. it's going to be a rough month. but i won't be homeless. i won't be in the dark. i won't have to take cold baths and i'll at least have something to watch. more than a lot of people. and i'm grateful for that.
but, Father i am feeling the pinch.
i got up and prayed and did the morning things. took meds, insulin. i had two eggs, sauteed ham and toast for breakfast. i got my mental state back online after letting Syd's friend crash here as he was having issues with his mother and his home. it was not a comfortable decision, but i know my parenting is never going to be taught in whatever passes for Home Ec these days. i got to the gym before i did meds or breakfast, walked a little over a mile on the treadmill. after breakfast i had some time so i laid back and fucked around online. texted back and forth with a columbus friend that i've not talked to in some months, then i went to my doctor's appointment.
numbers were good, weight is coming down again, sugar is good, blood pressure good, A1C good. doctor was concerned about the A1C being higher than last time, decided to increase my long acting slightly. no big deal. talked to Lonnie after i left doctor's office. he's really down and we made lunch plans. i went to the store and got stuff to make tuna casserole and a few other things. shopping is going to have to wait til i get my gift certificate and 717 takes this car payment from my account so i can see what i'm working with.
but i got electric, cable and gas paid. i've got half a tank of gas. i've got money coming from Felecia for the editing job this weekend, or should anyway. i've got a credit card from my bank should worst come to worst, and i am more than willing to accept any help i can get with groceries. so i'm not complaining. i feel melancholy. i'm almost broke and it's five days into the month. it's going to be a rough month. but i won't be homeless. i won't be in the dark. i won't have to take cold baths and i'll at least have something to watch. more than a lot of people. and i'm grateful for that.
but, Father i am feeling the pinch.
Wednesday, May 4, 2016
sailing on E
the rain is matching my mid-level mood today. i am in a bit of a funk, but it's not keeping me from moving forward with the things that i need to get done. i'm writing this in the moments before i go to my last training class. i have just eaten two dollar burritos from taco bell, because i haven't time to eat anything else and i haven't money to just toss around randomly. but i will follow the established structure and move on from there.
said my prayers, lazed about, got up and saw Syd out the door, meds and insulin. had breakfast, 2 eggs scrambled with peppers, onion, jalapenos, homefries and cheese, with a piece of toast. a bit carb heavy but i took extra fast acting insulin to clear a pen and i didn't want to end up in a crash zone. i lazed about some more and then took a shower, dressed and got paperwork needed for Lane funeral home. I went to the bank and got their check then went to my meeting. it was a good meeting, lots of people and not a bunch of drama. but i still watch it playing out in different scenarios. fortunately, they don't concern me.
my sponsor came to the meeting. it was really good to see him up and about. we talked after the meeting for a bit and then i went to my appointment with Lane. I paid the money, got the paperwork and make my way back across town. i called and talked to Lonnie on my way there and back about his and his daughter's trip to New York, and i got my aforementioned burritos before i came home.
Heather continues to try to contact me. its getting to the point of irritation. but i'm trying to remain patient. i can't do anything to help her, and likely wouldn't even if i could, because she did hurt me and she did so deliberately, but also because i really have no reason to go backward. i checked the charges they got her for. driving without a license, parole violation stuff. it looked like they've got her on a twenty four hundred dollar bail, which would be 240, but i'm not going to pay a hundred for anyone to get out of jail. right about now, that includes Syd and possibly myself as well. only because i am looking into a fear that i have to match with faith about my finances this month.
i've paid rent, i've gotten my cable bill reduced. i have to pay electric, gas and cable. they're going to take car payment, insurance, loan payment. i still have to pay on paypal balance. i feel like i'm forgetting something, but it will sadly come to me soon enough. I asked FH, the woman I did the editing for, if she could pay me the remainder of my money and she said she would on Friday. i trust her, and wouldn't have asked but i'm trying to get my ducks lined up. i need groceries. i have to eventually take my cavalier in to be worked on. i have to get ready for Syd to be out of school for the summer. i am tight like a noose as far as money this month. but i do believe that it's a part of doing things better, getting ready for the future that is upon me. I worked on the tracks for the Janice's Journal spot, but i see i'm going to need some help. i have a endochrinologist appointment tomorrow and i have counseling on friday. i have no idea what dinner is going to be.
yet, i'm not panicky. i feel that i am doing things in a good way. if i am broke, i will have a 40 gift card from walmart to get some food with. i will have 110 that i can pay my phone with and my paypal bill and still have about forty left. i have supplies. i have enough money to pay the bills. i will not give in to fear because i don't believe i'll have enough. my God will make it enough. always has, and i believe he always will.
so, that's the status right now. when i know what's for dinner, i'll put that down here. until then, gym tomorrow, Dr. DeRosa, and some tidying up. laterz.
said my prayers, lazed about, got up and saw Syd out the door, meds and insulin. had breakfast, 2 eggs scrambled with peppers, onion, jalapenos, homefries and cheese, with a piece of toast. a bit carb heavy but i took extra fast acting insulin to clear a pen and i didn't want to end up in a crash zone. i lazed about some more and then took a shower, dressed and got paperwork needed for Lane funeral home. I went to the bank and got their check then went to my meeting. it was a good meeting, lots of people and not a bunch of drama. but i still watch it playing out in different scenarios. fortunately, they don't concern me.
my sponsor came to the meeting. it was really good to see him up and about. we talked after the meeting for a bit and then i went to my appointment with Lane. I paid the money, got the paperwork and make my way back across town. i called and talked to Lonnie on my way there and back about his and his daughter's trip to New York, and i got my aforementioned burritos before i came home.
Heather continues to try to contact me. its getting to the point of irritation. but i'm trying to remain patient. i can't do anything to help her, and likely wouldn't even if i could, because she did hurt me and she did so deliberately, but also because i really have no reason to go backward. i checked the charges they got her for. driving without a license, parole violation stuff. it looked like they've got her on a twenty four hundred dollar bail, which would be 240, but i'm not going to pay a hundred for anyone to get out of jail. right about now, that includes Syd and possibly myself as well. only because i am looking into a fear that i have to match with faith about my finances this month.
i've paid rent, i've gotten my cable bill reduced. i have to pay electric, gas and cable. they're going to take car payment, insurance, loan payment. i still have to pay on paypal balance. i feel like i'm forgetting something, but it will sadly come to me soon enough. I asked FH, the woman I did the editing for, if she could pay me the remainder of my money and she said she would on Friday. i trust her, and wouldn't have asked but i'm trying to get my ducks lined up. i need groceries. i have to eventually take my cavalier in to be worked on. i have to get ready for Syd to be out of school for the summer. i am tight like a noose as far as money this month. but i do believe that it's a part of doing things better, getting ready for the future that is upon me. I worked on the tracks for the Janice's Journal spot, but i see i'm going to need some help. i have a endochrinologist appointment tomorrow and i have counseling on friday. i have no idea what dinner is going to be.
yet, i'm not panicky. i feel that i am doing things in a good way. if i am broke, i will have a 40 gift card from walmart to get some food with. i will have 110 that i can pay my phone with and my paypal bill and still have about forty left. i have supplies. i have enough money to pay the bills. i will not give in to fear because i don't believe i'll have enough. my God will make it enough. always has, and i believe he always will.
so, that's the status right now. when i know what's for dinner, i'll put that down here. until then, gym tomorrow, Dr. DeRosa, and some tidying up. laterz.
Tuesday, May 3, 2016
cut and paste
i should have written an update yesterday, but the day filled itself in as far as the blank spaces went, and i didn't get back to the details. as i write this at 7am, my internet is out and i'm logging on Notepad, so i can just copy and paste later.
i am in a bit of a dim mood this morning. i woke up with the realization my internet was out. i only knew because my relaxation video from youtube had stopped and never started again after about an hour. i went back to sleep and woke again with the 5am alarm. still no internet. i called time warner and the first thing i heard was that i have a bill due. so that's going to be a battle this afternoon. april was a month of bullshit and birthday, to be sure.
i said my prayer, got into my gym clothes and slowly made my way to the gym. since i walked the block yesterday, today was the weight machines, as per the current itinerary. i did legs and arms, and i came home to find the internet, as mentioned, is still out. i took my meds and my insulin, and now i'm writing.
yesterday, i had a stir-fry for lunch. pork and beef, red,orange and green peppers, onion, mushrooms and snow pea pods, and rice. i made it myself, seasoned with salt, pepper, red pepper flakes and curry. for dinner i had the baked haddock, baked potato and broccoli and cheese. the potato was massive, and very much more than i should have had, but i was angry because out of a small 5 pound bag of potatoes, all of them were bad except one, and i only bought them last week. i cut the end off a second one, because i couldn't see getting only one potato out of a whole bag. and so i have a baked potato that will go for something today.
my schedule today is incredibly expensive. i have to get my plates, pay rent, get the rest of the house supplies. i have to check my paperwork to get the check amount to take to Lane funeral home so I can get started with my 'endlife arrangements'. seems there's no comfortable way to say it, so i'm going to stop with the fucking euphemisms and just start saying 'death plans'. it's simpler and true.
i will have a new car payment coming out, less than a hundred but still. i will have higher insurance as the Cavalier is still under full coverage due to the loan i took out with the car as a lien. i'm going to call them this week and have them get that car off, one way or another. and i still have bills to pay. plus Syd's prom is this week, and though she has the child support card, i will help her out as much as i can.
and as expensive as it is, i wouldn't change it. i am doing what everyone else has done, what ever adult who was a kid with me has done at one time or another. if you stop and look, you see that this is what it means to live in this world, this is what it means to be responsible, and this is what it means to have grown up. most people, i guess, don't have to analyze their state of maturity, but as an addict and an alcoholic, as one who has struggled so long with depression, it is important for me to remember that i am on a journey and it has scenery that changes as i progress.
i have no idea what meals are today. i'm thinking just eggs and toast for breakfast, but that might change. i'll log meals when i truly know what they're going to be.
i am grateful to Jehovah God for everything that we have, all that we've been able to do, the distance we've gone and the journey ahead. it is all, and has all been, an amazing blessing.
oh, one last update. R called yesterday and apologized. she said she was being 'hypersensitive' and hadn't been unable to read objectively being that the story was about her. i log that because it is significant. i don't believe, in the time that we've been in proximity to each other, that she has ever said, without prompting, that she was wrong. i again thank God for what He shows me is in my best interest, which is to keep on the course.
it is cold as fuck today. like, i can't get warm for shit. but i am going to not worry about it by staying under my comforter as soon as i finish this entry.
so, the internet is back on, got a reduced bill and reduced billing. that's good, but i'm still going to seriously think about getting rid of this shit this month. no point having something that is not doing what i need it to do.
i have ate way more than i should have today. breakfast was three scrambled eggs (back to two eggs tomorrow) with peppers, onions and rice and a piece of toast. I've ate two burritos from taco bell that Syd and Jo left in the microwave, one after breakfast and one after lunch. i had a burger, mashed potatoes and a salad for lunch. i am going to have baked fish and the broccoli and cheese if i have dinner.
got rent paid, got the bci done for HH, got supplies. got my coffee can full, huzzah! but they didn't have any other interesting flavors, so i only got the staple. going to get some more beans tomorrow, i think.
an interesting aside. i have spoken about my mishap of the previous summer, wherein i attempted to love someone from my past and helped them out of an incarceration situation, only to have them split once they were out and me having to patch my heart back together? well, the person called me. fuck that 'the person' bullshit, they get no anonymity here. her name is Heather, and she decided to use me to get out of jail. now she's back in jail and she's called me. asking, of course, for help getting out. i told her i couldn't help her. she asked if i would put money on her phone, and i told her i'd try but i won't. she told me she loved me and whatever, i told her i know. because i know she thinks she does. but she didn't hear me because whatever time she had on her phone was gone and she got disconnected. so there is karma in the universe. i'm not gloating. i hate that she's still trying to find ways around the established rules and i would think the motherfucker she dipped on me with should be the one getting the calls. but that's life in a small town. okay, that's it for real. thank you, Father, for keeping me and us safe.
i am in a bit of a dim mood this morning. i woke up with the realization my internet was out. i only knew because my relaxation video from youtube had stopped and never started again after about an hour. i went back to sleep and woke again with the 5am alarm. still no internet. i called time warner and the first thing i heard was that i have a bill due. so that's going to be a battle this afternoon. april was a month of bullshit and birthday, to be sure.
i said my prayer, got into my gym clothes and slowly made my way to the gym. since i walked the block yesterday, today was the weight machines, as per the current itinerary. i did legs and arms, and i came home to find the internet, as mentioned, is still out. i took my meds and my insulin, and now i'm writing.
yesterday, i had a stir-fry for lunch. pork and beef, red,orange and green peppers, onion, mushrooms and snow pea pods, and rice. i made it myself, seasoned with salt, pepper, red pepper flakes and curry. for dinner i had the baked haddock, baked potato and broccoli and cheese. the potato was massive, and very much more than i should have had, but i was angry because out of a small 5 pound bag of potatoes, all of them were bad except one, and i only bought them last week. i cut the end off a second one, because i couldn't see getting only one potato out of a whole bag. and so i have a baked potato that will go for something today.
my schedule today is incredibly expensive. i have to get my plates, pay rent, get the rest of the house supplies. i have to check my paperwork to get the check amount to take to Lane funeral home so I can get started with my 'endlife arrangements'. seems there's no comfortable way to say it, so i'm going to stop with the fucking euphemisms and just start saying 'death plans'. it's simpler and true.
i will have a new car payment coming out, less than a hundred but still. i will have higher insurance as the Cavalier is still under full coverage due to the loan i took out with the car as a lien. i'm going to call them this week and have them get that car off, one way or another. and i still have bills to pay. plus Syd's prom is this week, and though she has the child support card, i will help her out as much as i can.
and as expensive as it is, i wouldn't change it. i am doing what everyone else has done, what ever adult who was a kid with me has done at one time or another. if you stop and look, you see that this is what it means to live in this world, this is what it means to be responsible, and this is what it means to have grown up. most people, i guess, don't have to analyze their state of maturity, but as an addict and an alcoholic, as one who has struggled so long with depression, it is important for me to remember that i am on a journey and it has scenery that changes as i progress.
i have no idea what meals are today. i'm thinking just eggs and toast for breakfast, but that might change. i'll log meals when i truly know what they're going to be.
i am grateful to Jehovah God for everything that we have, all that we've been able to do, the distance we've gone and the journey ahead. it is all, and has all been, an amazing blessing.
oh, one last update. R called yesterday and apologized. she said she was being 'hypersensitive' and hadn't been unable to read objectively being that the story was about her. i log that because it is significant. i don't believe, in the time that we've been in proximity to each other, that she has ever said, without prompting, that she was wrong. i again thank God for what He shows me is in my best interest, which is to keep on the course.
it is cold as fuck today. like, i can't get warm for shit. but i am going to not worry about it by staying under my comforter as soon as i finish this entry.
so, the internet is back on, got a reduced bill and reduced billing. that's good, but i'm still going to seriously think about getting rid of this shit this month. no point having something that is not doing what i need it to do.
i have ate way more than i should have today. breakfast was three scrambled eggs (back to two eggs tomorrow) with peppers, onions and rice and a piece of toast. I've ate two burritos from taco bell that Syd and Jo left in the microwave, one after breakfast and one after lunch. i had a burger, mashed potatoes and a salad for lunch. i am going to have baked fish and the broccoli and cheese if i have dinner.
got rent paid, got the bci done for HH, got supplies. got my coffee can full, huzzah! but they didn't have any other interesting flavors, so i only got the staple. going to get some more beans tomorrow, i think.
an interesting aside. i have spoken about my mishap of the previous summer, wherein i attempted to love someone from my past and helped them out of an incarceration situation, only to have them split once they were out and me having to patch my heart back together? well, the person called me. fuck that 'the person' bullshit, they get no anonymity here. her name is Heather, and she decided to use me to get out of jail. now she's back in jail and she's called me. asking, of course, for help getting out. i told her i couldn't help her. she asked if i would put money on her phone, and i told her i'd try but i won't. she told me she loved me and whatever, i told her i know. because i know she thinks she does. but she didn't hear me because whatever time she had on her phone was gone and she got disconnected. so there is karma in the universe. i'm not gloating. i hate that she's still trying to find ways around the established rules and i would think the motherfucker she dipped on me with should be the one getting the calls. but that's life in a small town. okay, that's it for real. thank you, Father, for keeping me and us safe.
Monday, May 2, 2016
wobbly
it's a rough day today.
i thought i would be able to muscle through, emotionally and mentally, but such is not the case. but the orbit is still intact, and after i scribe here, i'm going to make some moves to hit the thrusters, or at least the impulse engines, and get it moving again.
i got up and said my prayers, but i slept with a heavy heart. R is gone by now, to her vacation, and i am feeling not the missing due to her leaving the country but the sadness and anger from her last statements about the book. i sat at my computer, working on the last pieces for a new poetry collection entitled SOCIOPATHETIC, which has nothing to do with the current state of existence i'm in, though it sounds as if it did. it was a title chosen in march, so it could be considered precognitive if anything. but i finished it, 20 pieces in 2 days, cover and foreword, and got it on Kindle waiting for approval. saw Syd off for school, tried to lay a vocal track but still not getting the levels i need. so i ate breakfast. 3 eggs scrambled with jalapenos and cheddar, and a biscuit. started to eat two biscuits, but thought better of it, which is how i know i'm still orbiting. i got back in my bed and fucked around on FB for far too long, and now its time to get in motion.
so, let's inventory. let's find some gratitude, shall we?
including the aforementioned book, i've got 5 books currently on the market. i've got two more books in the can. seven novels, is what i'm saying. i've got 9 poetry collections, including the one that is live that i uploaded today. i've got a screenplay sitting in my google docs cloud. i am working on doing audio and video advertising, which can be spread via uploading, reblogging or just on youtube. i've got ads in free space internet ad pages. i am doing what i am supposed to do for my publishing.
i just got a car. i get the plates tomorrow. i've got another car that i will be getting worked on soon. i've got arrangements to start my final plans for my death. i've got three credit cards, one through my bank. i've got a job starting in july. my child is dating a boy she seems to like a lot. i've got both my parents, all my brothers and sisters still alive and i'm 27 and a half years sober and just past 48 years old.
i have a couple of friends i can count on to the death. i'm of sound mind. my creativity is doing much better than my libido. and i have a roof over my head, clean clothes, haddock to bake for dinner. my money will be in in the morning.
my friend, R, whom i love and will continue to love, has attempted to tear into me because i wrote a book about our relationship, and likely the real reason for the attack was that it hit far closer to her home than she was comfortable with.
the scale, in writing, is tipped heavily in favor of me getting up off my ass and doing something constructive.
that comes from TOTI, the brains of this operation.
so, we're re-setting course for the gym. we're going to get our walk in. we're going to get lunch in. we're going to work on that vocal. i've got to go to HH to do the third day of training today. i am abundantly blessed and i am grateful for that blessing. and i hope R has a great vacation.
it's time to let her go. if she wants something with me, it's time for her to ante up. she can't play for free anymore.
and i'm done with this for the day.
well, guess i'm not done. decided to just take my ass out of my house for a walk rather than the gym. did about a mile, i'm going to drive it off to check when i go to the training this evening. but i feel better having gone. going to figure lunch and then catch a bath.
i thought i would be able to muscle through, emotionally and mentally, but such is not the case. but the orbit is still intact, and after i scribe here, i'm going to make some moves to hit the thrusters, or at least the impulse engines, and get it moving again.
i got up and said my prayers, but i slept with a heavy heart. R is gone by now, to her vacation, and i am feeling not the missing due to her leaving the country but the sadness and anger from her last statements about the book. i sat at my computer, working on the last pieces for a new poetry collection entitled SOCIOPATHETIC, which has nothing to do with the current state of existence i'm in, though it sounds as if it did. it was a title chosen in march, so it could be considered precognitive if anything. but i finished it, 20 pieces in 2 days, cover and foreword, and got it on Kindle waiting for approval. saw Syd off for school, tried to lay a vocal track but still not getting the levels i need. so i ate breakfast. 3 eggs scrambled with jalapenos and cheddar, and a biscuit. started to eat two biscuits, but thought better of it, which is how i know i'm still orbiting. i got back in my bed and fucked around on FB for far too long, and now its time to get in motion.
so, let's inventory. let's find some gratitude, shall we?
including the aforementioned book, i've got 5 books currently on the market. i've got two more books in the can. seven novels, is what i'm saying. i've got 9 poetry collections, including the one that is live that i uploaded today. i've got a screenplay sitting in my google docs cloud. i am working on doing audio and video advertising, which can be spread via uploading, reblogging or just on youtube. i've got ads in free space internet ad pages. i am doing what i am supposed to do for my publishing.
i just got a car. i get the plates tomorrow. i've got another car that i will be getting worked on soon. i've got arrangements to start my final plans for my death. i've got three credit cards, one through my bank. i've got a job starting in july. my child is dating a boy she seems to like a lot. i've got both my parents, all my brothers and sisters still alive and i'm 27 and a half years sober and just past 48 years old.
i have a couple of friends i can count on to the death. i'm of sound mind. my creativity is doing much better than my libido. and i have a roof over my head, clean clothes, haddock to bake for dinner. my money will be in in the morning.
my friend, R, whom i love and will continue to love, has attempted to tear into me because i wrote a book about our relationship, and likely the real reason for the attack was that it hit far closer to her home than she was comfortable with.
the scale, in writing, is tipped heavily in favor of me getting up off my ass and doing something constructive.
that comes from TOTI, the brains of this operation.
so, we're re-setting course for the gym. we're going to get our walk in. we're going to get lunch in. we're going to work on that vocal. i've got to go to HH to do the third day of training today. i am abundantly blessed and i am grateful for that blessing. and i hope R has a great vacation.
it's time to let her go. if she wants something with me, it's time for her to ante up. she can't play for free anymore.
and i'm done with this for the day.
well, guess i'm not done. decided to just take my ass out of my house for a walk rather than the gym. did about a mile, i'm going to drive it off to check when i go to the training this evening. but i feel better having gone. going to figure lunch and then catch a bath.
Sunday, May 1, 2016
bad vibes, 4/30 to 5/1
sorry, i got off track yesterday, for productive reasons, but also because i put myself in a space again that i am sincerely hoping is the last time. i'll get to that, but first i have to update yesterday, and i'll catch everything up to about twenty after ten in the morning on May first.
so, i got up and i felt very out of sorts yesterday. friday, i had went and had a copy of THE GIRL IN THE GLASS printed just as something that R could read in physical form as she has no internet at this time. as an artist, a poet, a writer, i am very apprehensive about how people take my work, especially the first person to read it. and when that person happens to be the other protagonist in the work, its especially daunting. but i wanted her to read it. i did, in fact, 75 percent write it for her, to try to show her that this is what i felt, this is where i am at in regard to her. i won't say it was a mistake. i will say that i think i've found the antidote to the overwhelming need that i've had to pursue one woman for a decade. i think i'm done with that pursuit.
for starters, it was a comment about how i wrote her in my own voice. but the entire book is narrative. like, there's about two or three moments of dialog written in the book. i love narrative. i can write dialog, i can write conversation. but a story will carry itself on the narrative if its done right. it's my style. so there was that, and that was on friday. saturday, there was accusation of me being arrogant, which may be true, i wouldn't doubt it, and in the most nerve grating tone relating how my writing of her was about how she knew nothing, was basically a small town bumpkin and i was trying to 'save' and 'educate' her about my big city ways. and that wasn't it at all. and it hurt. sincerely. because i've tried to do everything i can to convey how i feel about her. and in honesty, i don't believe that's really the take she has on it. i do believe, however, that this is the distance that she's going to maintain from the project. she didn't say anything about the events that i conveyed as to what she's gone through in her life. she didn't say anything about the accuracy of the story. she definitely didn't say anything about the quality of the writing.
our 'relationship', such as it is, is mostly about what is NOT done, and trying to glean the reasons, through nuances and gestures, about why those things are not done. questions aren't answered, so they cease being asked. R remains, after all this time, a cornered creature, and I continue on in the role of a threat. but i choose to no longer be that. i have too much to do. i wish i had someone in my corner to help me do these things, but if i don't, then i have to do them by myself because they must be done. so i am going to consider,once i get this marketing thing down pat, upgrading the story, or at least posting a disclaimer as to her dissatisfaction, but it represents the second installment in my life story and i'm going to publish it.
but as you can see, i'm angry, i'm hurting and i really want to lash out at something. and that's not healthy.
i got up yesterday and had a frittata for breakfast. it had diced ham, onions and peppers, potatoes and swiss and monterey jack cheese. i had half for breakfast and half for lunch. no biscuit at lunch. i had a ham and salami sandwich with cheese on wheat at my mother's house. i had a beef and cheese pastallilo and a dozen garlic parmesan wing dings for dinner. i had a slice of sweet potato pie before bed. it was more food than i should have had, but i was eating out of emotions that were negative and i knew it. i will do better today.
i cleaned my house properly yesterday, and i washed and dried my clothes at my parent's house. i visited with my younger brother who was there. i washed and dried my dad's socks for him and plunged my mother's toilet.
my conversation with R about my 'arrogance' took place once i got home, and ended with not much enthusiasm, great amounts of silence and i have no real desire to speak to her right now. but i will say, after taking my work, turning it into a personal attack, she told me 'don't be so sensitive, i'm still reading it', which means not one fucking thing and just goes to show me she knew exactly what effect she was trying to elicit in me. i hope it was satisfying for her.
last night i did a commercial for z-phyles publishing. i am looking at what i have to do in order to stop myself from simmering in poison right now. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=usncwwrPe18 is the link, to whomever wants to see it. i am working on trying to get my brand out into the world, getting the website past just facebook, and increasing my sales. i know nothing about this, but this information is somewhere in my brain so i'm going to let my brain, let toti, show me the way.
today, i woke up slowly. i didn't really want to get up, but i'm up. i said my prayers. i got out of the bed. i took my insulin and my pills. i had breakfast. bacon and eggs and a biscuit. the biscuits are leftover from breakfast i made for a friend last week, week and a half maybe, and i don't want to waste them. i am clueless as to lunch. i plan on baked haddock, baked potato and broccoli and cheese for dinner. i am going to write some poetry for a new collection entitled SOCIOPATHETIC, and i'm going to write a spot for two books and work out the commercials for them. i'm going to list everything I have to get done this week and I'm going to start working on just getting lists cleared. i have to just focus away from things and people that aren't going to help me move forward. it makes me sad. i do love R, but like Tina said, what's love got to do with it? it helps to have learned to see love as just one more emotion, to be had and acted despite rather than because of. but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. i'm pretty sure that's the whole deal today. i'll write more later.
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