seeing things

good monday.
it's been good so far, anyway.  i realized something today.  i'm okay.
yeah, that's the realization.  i am okay.  i feel okay.  i have a pain in my chest, but it's not heart pain.  there are many things it could be, however, but taking a shot of baking soda alleviated most of it and I'm pretty sure i'm going to pick up some antacid tablets today.
i woke to prayer and a cup of coffee from Syd, which was nice.  I was moving slow but i was definitely aware that the pain in my chest had subsided.  i got up and checked my blood sugar, which was higher than usual lately, and as R pointed out that glucose levels were affected by baking soda for some reason, i attributed it to that.  i got Syd to her bus stop and went to the gym.  saw a friend leaving the treadmills as i was getting there.  i went with a plan in mind.  and i have to remember to thank A for her suggestions.  i set my weight and the time i wanted to walk, forty-five minutes, and the speed, which was 2.5 miles per hour.  i pre-set a playlist of long songs, around ten minutes each, so i could close my eyes through most of the walk, determine by the number of songs how long i'd been walking.  needless to say, i got through the forty-five minute walk, which meant i was at the gym forty-five minutes.  i also finished with exactly 2 miles, my heart rate maxed out at 140 and i burned almost five hundred calories.  i realized throughout that it was not necessary to challenge myself, that i could stop at the mile, or the half hour, and i would still be in a good place.  but i also realized i need to move forward.  everything is progress, and what does not progress is in the process of regression by proxy.  because what's behind me will catch up to me if i stay in the same place for too long.  i don't think that's true of everyone, but i am one of the maladjusted, working on being functional on a daily spiritual basis.
i have a few things to do today.  i have to start getting the apartment together for next week.  i won't have a lot of time for cleaning and shit next week as we've got the anniversary meeting on wednesday, thanksgiving is thursday and my own anniversary is friday.  i don't mind, though.  slow cleaning, supplies gathered and prep stuff done.  that's pretty much how it should happen as far as i'm concerned.  i'm looking forward to seeing De'ja.  I'm really just wanting to have people together, to feed and fellowship and be chilled out for a few days.
over the past week,
i've been thinking on the Phenomenon culture notion.  i was thinking how things have been gravitating toward this for a long time.  most of the best coups happen right out in the open, right in front of your eyes, because then things seem so normal you just take them for granted until they coalesce into a successful overthrow.  like, easy example right now, Ronda Rousey.  i don't really follow ufc or mma or any of that.  i don't think it's so much worse than boxing, as boxing used to be a bare-knuckle affair and often ended i'm sure in a lot of damage being inflicted.  but i think mma sports is part of the conditioning of humans toward disdain for humans again, for profit of course.  because there's no other reason for it.  and i know that boxing and every other sport in the world has undergone the same progression from a test of wills in a structured athletic event to matching paychecks for the entertainment of the unwashed masses and the profit of the super-rich.  so, ronda rousey was the flavor of the last several months.  so she was controversial and she was hyped, which is what you do to make money from someone's ability.  and she got her ass kicked saturday night.  and everyone immediately had an opinion on it.  but i don't think anyone ever stops to think that a thing can be orchestrated even if its not fixed.  the woman Rousey fought was a superior fighter.  i'm sure the people who set the match knew that.  if you have someone standing on a mountain top, people have to try to knock them off.  its just the way things are.  and Rousey stood on the mountain.  and she got knocked off.  and a lot of people made money on the fight, and a lot more people lost money on it.  and in the end, it's just more drama on social media.  but is it an example of the Phenomenon culture that has enmeshed itself into the psyche of the world today?
Muhammed Ali is considered by most to be the greatest boxer of all times.  i've been very taken lately with his derision and humiliation of Joe Frazier.  Ali was loved by just about everyone.  he was addicted, not to boxing, but to the love that he received for being Ali.  without boxing, he didn't know exactly who he was.  with boxing, he knew exactly who and what he was.  he is now a victim of his love for adulation.  and some, Frazier included, would say that karma caught up to him.  but the worship, the fame, the crowds chanting your name...how would you respond to these things?  would you just stop fighting when the time came to do so?  would you respect a person who held you in esteem if he stood between you and the restoration of your glory?  the Phenomenon culture was born in times such as that, long before internet, long before social media.  but there was media.  there were airwaves.  and those played a part in the genesis of follower behavior more so than anything Pavlov ever hypothesized.
so the day has progressed.  i've eaten lunch and dinner.  i'm stuffed more than i should be, but i'm not going to beat myself up tonight.  i am weary.  T stopped by, very sad, very down.  i can't do anything to help her, and can't even make the offer because it would be rose colored glasses.  she has painted herself into a corner and she has to find the faith to wait out the paint drying and then walk out.  at least it sounds as if she's gone to a meeting lately.  that's good to know.
tomorrow i have to go with my dad to take my mother to the airport.  i am going to try to do an early gym, just weights.  i'm going to alternate days, monday, wednesday and friday will be the treadmill and maybe light weights, but tuesday and thursday will be strength days.  i guess that should be something that i can continue to progress in.  i'm going to put some work into my thoughts about the phenomenon culture tomorrow.  my mind isn't working just right tonight, no haps on the nap.  but i feel good and won't manufacture a problem just to keep writing tonight.  so, i'm grateful to God for a peaceful day, and i'm hoping tomorrow will be progressive as well.

cult of personalities

Sunday morning.  i didn't return to the previous entry because i was in chill mode and never came out of it, apparently.  but i've set the coordinates, and adjusted the orbital path to take this a bit further out but still maintain course around the satellite, and i'm going to explore this phenomenon culture more deeply.  now is the perfect time for this.  and as everything else, i have to look at it in perspective to what is going on in my own life, otherwise its just a running of the mouth for no good reason.  knowledge has to be useful, and writing has to live beyond its entry onto paper or screens or files or whatever.  scripture that is not applicable is dead text, and a play that is outdated will not hold the interest of the audience that sees it verbatim in the future.
'Phenomenon Culture' is the conditioning of human beings that makes thought, decision and action only possible through the mass inculcation of a particular new phenomena.  i'm going to start with something i've not studied yet but since at this date it is what's going on it's a reference point for anyone who checks in on this later.  and that is the bombing in Paris this past week.
a hundred and twenty something people dead.  the entire world is posting colors of the Parisian flag in memoriam of Paris, i suppose.  and on Facebook and Tumblr, the two social media i most often frequent, the icons of people and their entries are tinged in those colors as well.  people are gathering, lighting candles, giving opinions, hating muslims, global phenomena.  pray for Paris.  i would imagine it was the same thing in 2001 when the WTC was bombed and the world watched it on television.  but...BUT.  soon enough comes the spin.  other bombings recently took more lives and they weren't posted, their flags weren't inserted, no one said to pray for them.  and the vultures circle as well, because the conditioning is so well placed now that when something happens to a country or a city, immediately there are instructions on how 'you can help' and where you can send your money to.  pay it forward.  and this is just a small part of it.  there are endless news shows that will cover this.  there are victims who didn't die who will be interviewed.  there is the redneck culture and the neocom culture that will scream for the blood of all muslims.  there is the liberal contingency that will use this as an opportunity to push their own agendas.  it will be a mental feeding frenzy of pirahna with false teeth, and blood is the only thing that will satiate them.  but it won't resolve anything for the families who lost loved ones, it won't do anything for the nightmares and the ptsd and the psychological scars of those who were there and watched people dying.  it won't even come close to addressing that.  and that is part of phenomenon culture as well.  the biggest part of it, however, is the fact that soon something else 'bad' will happen and the news will shift there.
public perception is everything now.  soon enough, two things i predict will come to pass.  i'm going to state them here, though i've spoken on them in conversations over the years because i've watched what society is becoming.  one thing is, in high profile situations, crime and punishment will be dealt with through toll-free voting for verdicts or through websites built to allow pay-per-view access and polling for how a criminal should be punished, with the results of every death penalty decision being televised or uploaded as well at a premium price.  the second is, there is coming swiftly a time when people will have a television show where, due to non-thinking people parroting the voices of those who use them as venquilotrist dummies, those who are doing life in prison, those who are on death row for extended periods of time will have the opportunity to fight to the death for a reduction of their sentencing.  the ones doing life will have a chance, if they survive, to gain their freedom, or at least be admitted to a halfway house much more comfortable but secure against re-entry into society.  the death row inmates will be able to fight to the death, thereby removing names off the tax-supported rosters, and the survivor will have his death sentence commuted to life in prison...whereupon he will then be entered by proxy into the purging of the lifers on a different show.  Phenomenon Culture.  now, think about these two things, and think whether, the world as it is now, people wouldn't tune in, people wouldn't pay to view these mass spectacles of violence and mayhem.  Ronda Rousey, the indestructible, just lost her title last night, in MMA fighting.  all the hype is just to generate money.  nevermind whether OJ did it or not, don't you think the network guys who ran coverage around the clock and watched the Neilsen numbers on viewer statistics calculated how much direct revenue they could have made if they'd been set up to charge for viewing?
we live in a time where thought is not really very important to the majority of americans.  i can't speak for other countries.  black people caught up in the 'black lives matter' rhetoric don't look at the obvious conclusion that in a racist killer society black lives don't matter very much.  if black lives truly mattered they'd matter first to black people who would have changed the situation of life in america long ago.  any work toward effecting that change died to be honest with the killing of the Panthers in the seventies.  not the death of King, but the killing of Fred Hampton and the Panthers who were murdered by Hoover's FBI.  because, the Panthers were socially interactive with change for better conditions for black people in this country, and were practitioners of the principles of 'self-defense' for every american citizen.  the Black Muslims were as well, but the thought of a different god was too scary for the grandchildren of slaves.  King was about biding time and taking the blows in order to convince the white man of his own evil actions, but not of how the white man may not actually care about how evil he is since his evil was apparently directed toward 'sub-humans'.  but the Black Panther 'SELF-DEFENSE and POLITICAL' party was about making society acknowledge that the black man WAS equal, COULD take care of himself and his own very well and WOULD NOT tolerate bullshit from a white government.  that made them exceptionally dangerous.  that made them exceptionally expendable.  and the phenomenon of culture was born.  the scariest thing in the world was an intelligent black man with a gun and an understanding of the constitution.

okay, that's a lot, even for me, for a sunday morning.  i've said my prayers, taken my insulin (133 on waking, still good numbers, and only one dose of fast acting yesterday) and my meds.  i've had an egg on toast with cheese so far today, about to go for my second cup of coffee and get started writing.  meeting at one, maybe breakfast with Marc and hopefully i get to see R some point today.  haven't worked out the 'feast or famine' decision just yet.  maybe i won't.  maybe that's my denial, my 'King Baby' still manifest even twenty seven years later.  i want what i want.  the sacrifice doesn't belong to R for my life, it belongs to ME in my own best interest.  and if i can't keep that in front of me, this orbit is just one more flight of fancy in a delusional mind.  and at this moment, i refuse to accept that.  so, we're going to keep moving, get this day in motion and see what comes.  it's early, so a nap is not too far-fetched.  later.

so, the evening has come.  the day was not bad.  i got a lot of writing done.  had breakfast with Marc.  had a good dinner.  visited with and helped my mom and dad.  bought Syd a pizza.  didn't flip out about things that triggered a 'flip-out' mode in me.  i talked with my sponsee, but not to any great effect.  the meeting was decent.  i'm tired, but more than tired, my brain is weary,  i wish sometimes i could turn it off, but not too greatly because those wishes are never happy when they're granted.  took some baking soda to break up this gas pain, if that's what it is.  drinking some water.  about to eat an apple as my snack.  i feel good.  i wish R was here, tired of the phone.  after a certain age there is no great thrill to just talking on the phone.  but it's better than not talking at all.  gym in the morning.  i'm pretty sure Syd won't 'forget' to go to her math teacher's class for extra instruction after school tomorrow.  good day, good night.  thank you, Jehovah, for moving me through it.

Phenomenon Culture

well, i skipped a day, i know.  i didn't actually intend to, but it happened, and as i said i would, i'm covering two days today.  there is a reason i missed yesterday, and i'm going to go into that, because it's the new course i'm plotting for the next phase of this orbit, which will officially begin tomorrow.  but for now, the recap.
yesterday started wonderfully.  we'd gotten the new phone and the activation went okay, except when performing the steps we got a message that the phone was locked.  out of fear of being jacked, as i'd never used Ebay before, i sent an angry email to the seller asking for the codes or the refund procedure, and then common sense took over, the activation went well, and i gave a half-hearted thanks for the swiftness of the delivery.  all that to say, i started off friday with a new message to the seller of apology and explanation, or an amend, and later got a positive reply.  i took Syd to catch the bus and i went to the gym.  i made the adjustments in the treadmill settings and had a good mile and a third walk.  i went home, had breakfast, talked to a friend and went to counselling, which went well.  i really enjoy the session with VF.  she doesn't see that her approach to counsel is very unconventional and therefore very effective, but i like to tell her so because i doubt if anyone else does.  people are not constructs, despite society's attempt to make us into exactly that.  so counseling went well and i came home and laid back mostly.  i went to lunch with Lonnie and was preparing to go pick up Syd from school afterward when i got an email from Syd's math teacher.  Syd had not stayed for her after-school help with math.  the teacher wasn't upset, but i was.  that brings me to why i skipped yesterday.
Syd failed her first quarter in math.  the school that she's going to is very performance-oriented.  good grades are expected.  if you don't maintain a certain level you get put back to your host school.  while the consequences of such an occurrence belong to Syd, until she's 18 the bill comes to me.  and setting up with her math teacher the after-school help involves me having to travel to champion, ohio, which is about a twenty minute drive on the freeway, both ways, in a car that is shaky, to pick her up three days a week.  a bit of involvement in this, in other words.  and she knew she had time with him that day because she texted me asking if our aunt was picking her up.
i was pissed.  no two ways.  texted Syd, got a bunch of 'i forgot's' and 'i'm sorry's', but i said nothing until she got home.  i thought about it.  and i decided.  and so Syd ended up staying in this weekend.  she protested, said that i was making her feel worse because she already felt bad, and that i always make her feel bad.  i didn't give in.  i also talked to Joe, her current, and insisted that they take some proactive measures to be at the very least 'more supportive' of Syd's scholastic efforts.  at which time i let them go get food after a bit and had dinner myself.
today, it's been practically no motion at all.  i've been laying down most of the day.  sugar's been good, took meds and insulin and had breakfast early, did not much writing but i'm going to jump on that soon.  i have been working out thanksgiving dinner in my head and waiting for Syd's mother's child support payment to post to the card.  i'm about to get up and go to the store, pick up a few needed items for tonight and tomorrow's dinner and i'm going to watch some movies and chill tonight.  i'm going to my 12 step meeting tomorrow but i don't think i'm going to the kingdom hall.  i talked to R last night and this afternoon briefly, i've been feeling hungry and restless more than anything, and i'm debating on haluska or just kielbassa and veggies for dinner.  i'm going to make a decision before i go to the store, as i'm not going there to buy out the store, but just to get enhancers, mostly.
so, the Phenomenon Culture.  there are similar terms in society at this time, but i'm looking at this as an actual term for the mental condition that is plaguing the vast majority of humans in so-called 'first world' society today.  its prevalence is overwhelming and i doubt i can bring anything new to this subject except perhaps fresh perspective, but that would be a welcome change from simply sitting back and watching a world become deliberately stupider and stupider.  more on this later, as for now i just wanted to make sure i got something down as a good start.

short trip of no great event

today my intention was to do very little.  i think i accomplished that.  perhaps even exceeded it.
i got up and did my usual morning things.  I find it's hard for me to just blow off the new discipline as it develops.  I wanted a whole mess of scrambled eggs, but i settled for two, and one piece of toast cut in half.  i did get to the gym after getting Syd to her school bus and I did get some writing done.  But i literally had nothing else scheduled for today, so i did nothing else.  I have a load of clothes that needs to be spun out, because the washer is acting shittier than usual.  I will get it to spin out and get my clothes dry tonight.  I had a chicken club sandwich for lunch with a bowl of soup, and I had chili and crackers for dinner.  I read from three meditation books and the Qu'ran this morning.  I like the Qu'ran because I know nothing of the scriptures in it.  I still use the New World Testament for instruction, but other spiritual writing is never a bad thing, because it gives you a chance to learn things about the world you inhabit for yourself.  perhaps one day i'll have other religious books in my collection as well.  anyway, talked to dad, talked to mom, talked to R and perhaps will a bit later.  I am going to lunch with Lonnie tomorrow afternoon and I have counseling in the morning.  I"m going to try to hit the gym first thing, if my energy is up, but if not i'll go before counseling.  i feel good, i am in as good a space as i've been lately and I'm grateful for just a short entry because i didn't plan out any adventures to fill this post with the details of.  Thank you, Father, and I appreciate every kindness.

celestial bullshit

...i think there comes a point where an individual has to make a choice.  and i don't mean a choice between turkey on rye or pbj.  i mean a choice, like, do i want to hold on to the person i've been, because there is a comfort in the familiar, because it's safe in this groove and i crave safety above everything else, because i've worked so hard to break in this life that breaking in a new one would take too much time and/or effort...or do i let go, because it burns to the bone now, because i'm tired of bleeding for things i don't even know if i really believe in, because there's no satisfaction in always hanging an infinite number of question marks over my head because the answers may be too scary.  i mean a fucking CHOICE.
i have a great appreciation for people who allow themselves to move outside of their comfort box.  VF asked me, about my November blues, if i think maybe God allows me to go through this to keep me mindful of where i come from.  that's paraphrasing, of course, but there is something just absolutely wonderful about a professional therapist who can speak of spiritual/quasi-religious things, with comfort and candor, because they know that i believe in that way and that may be a way to reach me.  so many shrinks would want to push me and my depression into a bottle of prozac and call it a day.
i got a guy on the internet, on youtube to be exact, who sort of 'trolled' a comment i made on a song, song was called 'hellutalmbout', or something like that, by janelle monae and her crew.  it is a very emotional song, simple in its power as it is just a battle cry, more than anything, naming many of the victims of this most public recent spate of police killings of black citizens.  and this guy, this white guy, decides he wants to belittle my emotions because, in truth, when i first listened to the song i cried, unashamedly, because i always feel like it's a battle.  dealing in a world that kills for fun and sport, dealing in a world where someone shoots up a school and no one wants to just say that the tragedy is that kids are being murdered because of someone feeling disenfranchised, instead focusing on gun control issues, dealing in a world that believes men have the right to force women not only to have sex against their will by rape but also to bear children against their will and many women have been programmed to see that as being perfectly okay.  yeah, i feel like i'm in a battle and i'm losing.  but this guy, well, my first reaction was anger and to engage him in stupidity.  but something, something in all this new attitude, thinking and action must be working, because i engaged him in conversation instead.  and though i wasn't able to rob him of his racist and troublemaking ways, i took the power of his initial attack and turned it back on him by provoking actual thought.  and that's what i am capable of doing when my cylinders are firing as they should.
today has been easier than yesterday.  I decided consciously not to go to the gym today.  instead, i went to the store after i dropped syd off and i got stuff to make chili for dinner.  i made a crock pot of chili and i also put together a meat loaf for friday, as the chili is a two day affair.  i consciously decided to shower rather than take a bath, and i groomed my face in the sink mirror and it was more efficient today.  i got to my meeting on time, got set up, i didn't speak during the meeting and i got home for lunch.  i had dinner a bit ago with my brother Jerry, and i got some and am getting some good writing done.
at the meeting today, i was annoyed but less so than usual.  i am sure the irritability is the least of the depression that has come into my well-being space, but there are too many things going on for me to give in completely.  got our anniversary meeting in two weeks.  got to get the dinner prep moving for the so-called 'thanksgiving' holiday.  heard someone say for the first time today in the meeting 'this is gratitude month' and i felt my mouth turning into a scowl.  funny feeling.  because it's thanksgiving month, a bunch of people who should remain, more than most, grateful every fucking day of every fucking year of their fucking lives want to designate this 'gratitude month'.  it's stupid, only because the gratitude is so lacking in the 12 step fellowships anymore.  but there's not anything you can really do about that.
R just called, talked for a minute.  she was off today but had a doctor's appointment and time with her mom.  i am truly on the horns of a dilemma.  have a 'pastperson' contacting me, and in the deficit of company i would welcome the chance to have flesh at my disposal.  BUT.  i do want something more from R, do want something more for ME, more importantly.  i don't know what i'm going to do yet.  should doesn't come into play.  it's about what action i will take.  but i'm going to pray on it tonight, before i actually make a decision.
its very easy to pontificate about how wonderful things are as long as no bad things happen.  Job is an example of celestial bullshit if ever there was one.  most people think the lesson of Job is about endurance and faith, but i don't believe that.  the real lesson, the one that most people miss, is the universal theme throughout the scriptures.  that is not 'faith' though that theme runs often, and it's not 'endurance' though that comes up quite a bit too.  to me, the real lesson is, DON'T FORGET WHO GOD IS, AND THAT YOU'RE NOT GOD.  Job didn't lose his faith and he endured, but he talked too much game and God had to put him back in check.  "Where were you when I created the earth?"  that's the lesson that i'm trying to learn from most today.  good day.  sugar this evening was high though i did nothing out of the ordinary eating.  what i did was i didn't take the third needle, the Symlin pen, which my endocrinologist told me i could stop.  so i adjusted my Levemir and my Novolog to see if i can compensate for the lack of the third needle.  if its high in the morning i'm going back to all three.  i like my lower numbers.
well, that's it for now.  i'm going to try to write a lot more tonight in Mechanical Jesus.  coffee's ready for the morning, and so am i.  thank you, Father, for a productive and instructive day.

weight

i'm not sure how exactly i'm feeling right now.  this was a hard day.  i couldn't seem to get myself in gear in the early part of the day.  I woke to my alarm and i got my prayers said but it was very in my head, not heart-engaged at all.  i got Syd to her bus and i came back home, not feeling the gym.  i ate and i tried to write but there was nothing there, really.  i made up my mind i would get it moving and i finally started making some good moves.  i went to the stores and got some groceries for the house, and I took my mother some decaf coffee for their house.  i finished up at the second store, talked to R and made my way to the gym.  the treadmill was kind of rough, got close to a mile but not a mile, and i did some work on the weight machines.  i was just low energy today, but i can't let that stop me.  i talked to R once i got in from the gym and A called me and asked if i was busy and if i could help her get things set back up at her crib since they got the work done they were doing.  i said yes and went and hung out with her for a couple of hours.  meantime, got Syd's report card in the mail and it was what i expected.  i don't really have a feeling about the poor grades, though i know i should.  i've been speaking to her about her grades since the end of elementary school.  she is making choices that are going to take her to not so good places, but i can't do anything about that either.  so i'm just letting her know that i know she can do better.  i'm going to set a conference with her teachers, but that's about the extent of what i can do.  you can't berate or bribe someone into doing something they just aren't going to do, it doesn't work that way.

the depression is starting in earnest, i know that.  i can admit it.  i just can't surrender to it.  i feel it in me like the beginnings of a flu.  i keep moving because what else is there to do?  if i stop moving, i'm going to be bed ridden.  i'm not even going to keep talking about it here, because talking about depression is depressing.  i don't have much left for the night.  i wanted to write and take a bath but that part of my day was cut out and i'm just feeling like i need some horizontal time right now.  i'm still grateful.  i got things done.  i saw my mom and aunt, i saw a friend, i talked to R, and i got a workout in, a better one than yesterday.  how i feel does not determine what i do, i have to keep that in the front of my mind.  good night, thank you, Father, your love is strength.

NEVERMORE

second day of a headache.  vision is changing again, i need my glasses to see the computer screen clearly.  fucking diabetes.  my day has been heavy, without any particular details to make it that way.  i am sick of feeling like i'm trapped in an Edgar Allen Poe story.  I tried to get my workout done, but Tina called me and i gave up after she bitched for a half hour and completely broke my rhythm.  i came home and had breakfast and that was about all she wrote for several hours.  i went back to bed, wrote some but couldn't really focus on writing.  I was still sluggish from the nighttime cold medicine i took.  i don't think this headache is cold related.  i think it's a percussor to the depression but i'm not going to give in willingly.
we don't ever really talk much about the spiritual things.  as a people, as a culture i mean.  in some countries, the spiritual is much more important than the physical, but not many anymore, and definitely not in america.  here, the physical, the material is everything.  so if you can't touch it, or bill for it, or fuck it or eat it or smoke it or get drunk on it or make someone else feel like less than by having more of it than them, it doesn't actually exist.  where i'm going with this, so as not to simply fill space babbling, is that perhaps this really is a spiritual depression.  i mean, i keep moving, i stay active, i pray, i read scriptures, i keep on my routine, but still i feel the cloud hanging overhead.  i don't mean it's hopeless.  i mean, things have to be approached for what they are, not for what's convenient to make them into for anyone else's comfort.  if it's a spiritual depression than there is only to continue to strengthen myself spiritually, and ride it out.  if it's physiological, then i could probably do some form of anti-depressant and it would lift.  but i don't want pills for my blues.  i feel physically fine, other than a touch of gout and this fucking headache.  but there is something wrong.

i found a table cloth today at Ollie's.  happy about that.  it will make finding table settings and a centerpiece easier.  its so cheesy it will fit nicely with things in my apartment.  not really, but it's white with predominantly blue flower pattern.  i like it for thanksgiving.  and i got a new door rug.  the old one was tearing up and needed replacing.  i'm moderating my expectations down.  i am not going to wash walls, shampoo carpets and vinegar clean windows.  if anyone is offended by the state of my orderly but not antiseptic living space they can be on their way.  i think that's reasonable.

i wish i could spend some time with R.  i miss the hell out of her.  i read a thing on Debi Thomas, the olympic skater, today.  seems she's broke, destitute, living in a trailer with bedbugs and an alcoholic mate.  she's a physician, she is an actual medical doctor.  i wonder why no one is wondering is she herself an addict or an alcoholic.  she's hoping to get a reality television show to help her get financially on her feet.  i felt something inside me flare up and then die when i read that.  what the fuck have we become as human concerns?
a woman who made history is willing to put her misery, pain and humiliation on television for people to watch and shake their overstuffed, potatochip filled heads, while madison avenue whores her to sell shit to these idiots.  this is what we are now.  i am fucked up, give me a reality show.  i'm willing to cut off my dick, where's the camera?  i'm fighting bums and stabbing them, like me on youtube!  there was also a story about some young lady who decided to strip in a johnny rockets in florida, i believe, and she was harassing customers and letting these fucking idiotic black men touch her and pour ketchup and water on her.  she wanted them filming it, likely had someone filming it herself and she wanted people to 'like' her on her social media page.  this is what we have become?  this is the world now?
i have one friend here who got on a reality television show.  it was for the money and i don't even know if she ever got paid or if it ever actually aired.  but it really makes me sad, really fucking sad.  i live in a world where the more problems you have the more valuable you are as entertainment.  but, at the same time, is it really any different than what's always been in place in this  country?  didn't PT Barnum make a mint off his 'freaks' and don't circuses and carnivals continue on with that same practice in some places?  oddities have always been an attraction, because it gives people a sense of superiority.  and, in this day and age of advertising designed to make you feel like shit, wouldn't that make this spate of reality television shows worth gold?
i'm making myself catfish for dinner, with leftover mac and cheese and a salad.  Syd asked for spaghetti, which was easy enough.  i am going to have my workout in the morning.  i'll probably try to get to the meeting as well.  i think i'm going to be okay for the rest of the day, but it doesn't matter if i am or not.  tomorrow is a new day, if i'm blessed to see it, i'll try for some new things.  if anything else comes up i'll hit this post again and update.  thank you, Jehovah, and peace to anyone who bothers reading this.