you get older, things change. it's how it is, it's how it's always been, apparently. but you don't really know that, don't really appreciate it, until you're getting older yourself. when you look at you, the changes in your face, in your environment, the tech and the tools and the toys, and you realize you've been here longer than it seems, and it's not really your world anymore...that's getting older. hell, that's getting Old. and I am getting older, and i'm watching the world in shambles, and it's interesting that I can't work up a good fear over this. I mean, i'm scared, sure. but the fear that I feel isn't because of this COVID-19. it's because people have shown themselves to be far more easily managed than I thought, and I knew programming people was a real thing.
see, the virus itself? I believe it's manufactured. lot of warnings, lot of documented cases of this thing being around since last year at least. i'm not a believer, in an age where most of the one-time killer diseases like polio, influenza, scarlet fever, rubella, have been well managed and almost eradicated, that something new just springs up from Mother Nature's womb. don't feel AIDS was natural, don't think this is either. I think people play too fucking much and it gets out of control. but that goes along with people being programmed towards certain behavior. did this thing get out of control quickly? is it really happening? how would we, as the general public, know? I have said, and I still feel, that George Orwell's only fault was his paranoia distorted his accuracy. is this a managed situation? could be. could be something that is being foist upon the American people, and the people of the world, but a world government that is staging a coup. but what a HUGE conspiracy that would be. it would involve practically every world government, in complicity with each other, if not to share in the misdirection then to at least keep silent about things not happening. and I don't actually believe that's the case.
maybe, as a post said on FB, it is something that got out around November, got a lot of people sick and then slowly mutated into something else (the last part is my own thought). I was sick in November, culminated in December with a Christmas hospitalization, and was never diagnosed as either flu or pneumonia. now this thing, neither flu nor pneumonia, with severe upper respiratory symptoms. mysteriously passed. I wonder. and then I don't, because right now it don't matter. that's why the virus itself doesn't scare me. not that much, anyway. the sickness I had was horrible, terrible, and terrifying. feeling like I was burning up, like I was choking, feeling like I couldn't walk, like I was going to just lay in my bed and die. I told people close to me a long time ago, if I ever tell you in a sick time that I don't want to eat, be concerned. I had lost my entire appetite. just didn't have any desire to put anything into me. but that's neither here nor there.
what scares me is how people are losing their collective goddamned minds. how people have lost thei ability to acknowledge a primal fear, how they are so quickly given to panic and selfish actions. how they look to social media for answers, or look to people suffering the same base level fears as they themselves are for rational thought. and how they don't even seem to want to change to anything more productive. sure, some of it is misdirection. the gun-nuts are using this point in history to shore up their toys, against the ongoing fear the 'government' is coming for their weapons. but as well, you see seemingly reasonable, intelligent and rational people losing their shit, falling to pieces behind this fuckery, and it's enough to make you want to isolate, to lock yourself willingly in your house. because when the intelligent people go crazy, the crazy people go to a place that is truly monstrous. it's just how nature works.
i'm ready for work. i guess i'll still be going. I guess i'm considered a healthcare worker, though I'm just a driver. I'm not afraid to drive clients, I've no problem with just siting until they send me home either. what i don't want is to not be able to check on my parents, not be able to check on my child or grand-child. but things happen as they happen, without my permission, and I have to accept things that are beyond my personal power to change. so, we'll see where these next few days go, and we'll keep writing here at the end of the reality that we know, because what else is there to do?
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