now falls the rain...

there is a sense, regardless of logic or intellect, that we are seeing the end of things.  it is Saturday afternoon.  from a sky that has remained mostly gray for the past week, a flooding rain has begun to fall, with it's fair share of thunder and lightning.  in normal days, this may not be as daunting, but here, in my isolation, in the midst of the pandemic, it is a sign of bad things still coming.  and there is no escaping that feeling. maybe that's why sleep comes so hard.  maybe that's why I've got these strange pains and this heaviness always on my mind.  i'm always somewhat fatalistic anyway, just my nature.  but to perceive the worst in human nature is different, somehow, than seeing it played out in front of you every day.  I finally found toilet tissue at Aldi's, $10 a pack for generic toilet tissue now.  only double the price, so it could be worse.  got 10 dollars of gas at 1.499 a gallon.  lowest I've personally seen a gas station since about 2002.  and its funny how a person can place when gas prices were low because it was right before a jet plane slammed into the tower of the world trade center.

it seems like we've been projectile vomited into the future, and the future is dystopian/normative.  I should be well pleased, as the fodder for stories, should there be a significant amount of tomorrows, is glutted.  but I just see the rain stops, and it will likely start at that same intensity again, and I look out my front window and see the flood in my front yard, and I just want to go back to bed.  but I made a chicken salad from the rotisserie chicken I bought, and i'll prep my salmon for cooking tonight, and i'll do some cleaning.  I may nap first, but i'll do what I can get done.

i'm going to try to be a bit more consistent here, now, for real, because I realize these may be some of the last words I ever write, and i'd had to slack at the end.  but I thank my God and my Father, because i'm doing better than many and need to maintain my gratitude for that.

and, as Annie Lennox sang, here comes the rain again....

awake to read the news.  checking on the rest of the world.  i don't feel inclined, this day, to go through my numbers and search for people to check on.  not because no one has checked on me, as that would be untrue.  more to the point, because many have not yet responded back, and my personality is now filled with worry about their well-being.  there's not much of a middle ground for me.

up at 5, deep sleep last night.  i said my prayer and slowly got moving to get in to work today.  took meds, read my stuff and had eggs and toast at home for breakfast.  got here at exactly 7:30am, whole half hour latter than usual.  and i'm still not driving anyone so far today.  started the first story in my new collection of short stories, and did do some work on formatting my current collection last night.  i'm keeping some busy, but i'm still just trying to get through days. 

a thing that i continuously find interesting; i was better prepared for this sort of world crisis than many people were.  i'm used to staying home in isolation.  i'm sued to not being around a bunch of people, not hanging out with a bunch of people.  it's not the end of the world when you're already doing it on a regular basis anyway.  and again, i have to thank God for His foresight, as i am not having the hard time many people are for those reasons. 

my mom worries excessively; my dad won't stay in the house no matter what.  business as usual.  my brother is still out scrapping, though he may rethink that route if the enforcement of the stay at home policy catches up to him. 

I feel okay.  nothing i can do about any of this, and so I'm working to try to change the person i am into a person I am capable of.  i don't know what all that entails, but i know change is the thing that makes the most sense now.  change is occurring all around now, and to resist change is to go against nature itself.  and there's no reason for that kind of foolishness. 

looks like i'll have at least one run today.  good stuff.  thank you, Father, for I obviously am in need of a period of rest...

Slow Monday

you get older, things change.  it's how it is, it's how it's always been, apparently.  but you don't really know that, don't really appreciate it, until you're getting older yourself.  when you look at you, the changes in your face, in your environment, the tech and the tools and the toys, and you realize you've been here longer than it seems, and it's not really your world anymore...that's getting older.  hell, that's getting Old.  and I am getting older, and i'm watching the world in shambles, and it's interesting that I can't work up a good fear over this.  I mean, i'm scared, sure.  but the fear that I feel isn't because of this COVID-19. it's because people have shown themselves to be far more easily managed than I thought, and I knew programming people was a real thing.  

see, the virus itself?  I believe it's manufactured.  lot of warnings, lot of documented cases of this thing being around since last year at least.  i'm not a believer, in an age where most of the one-time killer diseases like polio, influenza, scarlet fever, rubella, have been well managed and almost eradicated, that something new just springs up from Mother Nature's womb.  don't feel AIDS was natural, don't think this is either.  I think people play too fucking much and it gets out of control. but that goes along with people being programmed towards certain behavior.  did this thing get out of control quickly? is it really happening?  how would we, as the general public, know?  I have said, and I still feel, that George Orwell's only fault was his paranoia distorted his accuracy.  is this a managed situation? could be.  could be something that is being foist upon the American people, and the people of the world, but a world government that is staging a coup.  but what a HUGE conspiracy that would be.  it would involve practically every world government, in complicity with each other, if not to share in the misdirection then to at least keep silent about things not happening.  and I don't actually believe that's the case.  

maybe, as a post said on FB, it is something that got out around November, got a lot of people sick and then slowly mutated into something else (the last part is my own thought).  I was sick in November, culminated in December with a Christmas hospitalization, and was never diagnosed as either flu or pneumonia.  now this thing, neither flu nor pneumonia, with severe upper respiratory symptoms.  mysteriously passed.  I wonder.  and then I don't, because right now it don't matter.  that's why the virus itself doesn't scare me.  not that much, anyway.  the sickness I had was horrible, terrible, and terrifying.  feeling like I was burning up, like I was choking, feeling like I couldn't walk, like I was going to just lay in my bed and die.  I told people close to me a long time ago, if I ever tell you in a sick time that I don't want to eat, be concerned.  I had lost my entire appetite.  just didn't have any desire to put anything into me.  but that's neither here nor there.  

what scares me is how people are losing their collective goddamned minds.  how people have lost thei ability to acknowledge a primal fear, how they are so quickly given to panic and selfish actions.  how they look to social media for answers, or look to people suffering the same base level fears as they themselves are for rational thought.  and how they don't even seem to want to change to anything more productive.  sure, some of it is misdirection.  the gun-nuts are using this point in history to shore up their toys, against the ongoing fear the 'government' is coming for their weapons.  but as well, you see seemingly reasonable, intelligent and rational people losing their shit, falling to pieces behind this fuckery, and it's enough to make you want to isolate, to lock yourself willingly in your house.  because when the intelligent people go crazy, the crazy people go to a place that is truly monstrous.  it's just how nature works.  

i'm ready for work.  i guess i'll still be going.  I guess i'm considered a healthcare worker, though I'm just a driver.  I'm not afraid to drive clients, I've no problem with just siting until they send me home either.  what i don't want is to not be able to check on my parents, not be able to check on my child or grand-child.  but things happen as they happen, without my permission, and I have to accept things that are beyond my personal power to change.  so, we'll see where these next few days go, and we'll keep writing here at the end of the reality that we know, because what else is there to do?

Apocalyptic Calm...

okay, it's Friday.  i'm good, I guess.  I don't know what else I could be.  I worked today, and that's positive.  I got to the store, got everything except toilet paper.  that's going to take some work.  but I don't need to hoard, so i'm hoping I can slip between the cracks (no pun intended) and get what I need.  I made my parents burgers for breakfast/lunch (not brunch) and meatloaf, broccoli and brown rice for dinner.  I had one pick up at work, got that done, talked to Rachel for a while.  yes, I reached out, as I've been doing with the folks I don't talk to much, and we spoke and things are verbal again, which is cool.  only took the end of the world, I joked.  I still joke.

i'm tired, but I want to think for a bit.  I don't have anything much to do tomorrow, but I've got to take Syd to her grandparent's house to help her grandmother clean her room, and perhaps make a bit of coin.  meanwhile, i'm going to get something ready to cook for tomorrow, ribs I daresay.  and i'm going to find something to watch, and watch some TV, and eventually pass out, because there's nothing else to do.  I don't think it's an official complete lockdown just yet, but it's heading that way.  

I wrote something out on FB this morning, because I wanted to offer a hand further than the one by one would allow me to reach.  i'm going to copy/paste it below, but first I want to thank Jehovah, because I feel the calm in my center, and that's priceless right about now, but it's also a grant from God and it's something that has to be learned through the practice of the Serenity prayer.  later, folks.

"You know what? I am scared. I'm not ashamed to admit that. I'd be a fool and a liar if I said I wasn't. I don't know the true source of this. I don't know what country, what lab, what mutation produced this thing. Does that matter at this moment?
I don't care what books, movies or TV shows this resembles; this ain't fiction, this ain't them. But. BUT. Why are we acting like the cameras are rolling and we're part of some production?
Since 1988 (before a lot of you were even an egg n sperm combo) I have been living my 2nd life. I'm almost 32 years past my expiration date. Ain't fresh, but ain't gone over either. So my fear about my own dying is minimal, though it's there. The same Program which blessed me with a 2nd life taught me that all I've got to get right is this 24 hours. If I do that, I win. So I'm working on it. But my children, their children...my elderly parents & extended family...I'm scared for them moreso. I want this to not be, so they'll be safe. But my wants don't matter right now. And that's this sermon, I guess you can call it that.
I don't know if we're at world's end. I do know, however, we are entering a new reality, and the old one died at the turn of the year. We are afraid at the primitive level, and we're reacting like we always do...prepare for the conflicts we're generating with each other, make sure we get more of what everyone needs so someone else will be deprived, find a race/gender/culture to blame and actively hate them, and buy into panic-inducing rhetoric rather than researching the info for facts that can be used. In this, we show our fear. And in this, we show our lack of both maturity & humanity. WE SHOULD BE BETTER THAN THIS BY NOW.
I'm going to the store now. Going to see about my parents, going to work after that. I have been checking on friends & will continue to do so, as that Same program taught me getting out of myself helps maintain both gratitude and serenity. Writing this helps too. Whether I like you or not, I choose to love you, as hate and disdain isn't worth carrying right now. I choose to be better. I hope everyone makes it to the sunset, safe and provided for. And if you need to talk, I'm here."😐😶"

Keep Loving

I have concerns.  of course I do, and you do too.  why wouldn't you?  we've never been through this before.  think about it.  this group of people collectively called 'humanity', alive in 2020, have never been through a situation close to this.  and it's not as bad as it could be, it's not as bad as people are making it out to be.  but it is serious enough to be taken seriously.  is it being taken too seriously?  it's the only way we know how to do anything on planet Earth anymore, i'm afraid.  but there's no refuting the logic; i'd much rather EVERYTHING be done about an unknown situation than NOTHING.  and that's where it's at right now.

on my job, people are scared to come out of their homes, many of them.  we treat the elderly, so i'm not surprised.  I may be out of work soon, laid off likely, until thing eases up.  or it may not put me out of work.  as more is discovered, more will be known. that's the truth of everything, isn't it?

the Fellowship Hall, where we have our 12 step meetings (some of them anyway) is now closed.  no meetings.  I shudder for the newcomers, but many of them haven't taken advantage of the steps and traditions when there wasn't a pandemic, and if it takes a pandemic to make a person decide to change a behavior that's killing them, they probably have bigger issues than they know.  of course, if EVEN a pandemic can't make a person rethink some things...Zoikes!
i'm tired, but I feel okay.  just finished brunch, gonna take a nap and wait to be contacted by my counselor.  phone counseling, this will be an experience.  keep being as kind as you can to your neighbors and the needy, because some are in worse shape than some of us will ever be.

thank you, Father, for loving me through my nonsense.

Certain Angels

so, here we are again.  

i didn't think, at 50+ years, that i would be able to say, over and over, i've encountered events that have shaped the world i'm occupying at this time, but it can no longer be denied.  being born in '68, i missed the main part of the Civil Rights movement and the assassinations of 2 Kennedy brothers, Malcolm and Dr King.  (technically, Bobby's assassination happened when I was just under 2 months old, so i guess the news report is bouncing around somewhere in my senility cloud).  so what have i seen?  what could compare to such tragic events?

i've seen the oil skirmishes in the Desert Shield/Storm conflicts, i've seen the 'terroristic' acts committed on this soil on Sept 11, 2001.  I've seen gas prices skyrocket (new term, SATELLITING: when something goes up like skyrocketing but never comes back down).  I've seen the first black president elected and mediatively lynched for 8 consecutive years, I've seen the first reality television personality elected president in response to the prior president, despite being a miscogynistic, racist, idiotic, polarizing abuser of everything except his own whims.  and now, i've seen a pandemic created on the verge of an oncoming election.  i don't know what else there is to say.

i am not scared.  i've not given in to hoarding food, bathroom essentials or personal space just yet.  i am nervous, because the world around me is terrified all the time.  rational people are being forced to do irrational things just to keep up with their lives, and 'just in case' this goes on longer than the government is saying, and of course it will.  some people are getting very, very rich from this.  others will be put out of business.  some will die from the peripherals.  others will die through their own negligence.  who stands to profit the most?  i'm waiting for the narrative to clarify itself, because only then will i know what was really going on.

i think about that trash can up there.  i remember when it was put into the bathroom.  how, in the right light, at the right angle, it looks like a Doctor Who monster.  and i think about how, at the right angle, in the right light, this whole things appears to be a world ending prospect.  we are a people easily led to irrational decisions now.  thinking is not something we choose to do.  it's why i'm writing this here instead of in a personal, hand held journal; i'm as inundated by the electronic and the voyeuristic nature of internet life as many others are.  what is all this really for?

i don't know.

i pray. i'm sober.  i'm not afraid.  am I stupid for that?

i don't believe so.  

i've been blessed to be clean through all the rest of the aforementioned events, from the oil wars to the idiot in the white house now.  God's grace and thanks be to Jehovah.  my friends are scared.  i don't know how my children are just yet.  i hate that my grandson was born into this.  but children are born into the insanity of their guardians, no matter what.

gonna get my shit going, got to get to work now.  thank you, Father, for a life to live and discernment in the critical times...

No Title

you take a look, you realize you're off track...again.  you wonder how you got there, but it doesn't matter.  it's happened so much over the years that it's just a thing that keeps happening.  like having car problems, or finding new diseases you'll be saddled with until you die.  but eventually, you try to get back to the good place, because what the hell else is there to do?

everything i've been saying lately is true, but it sums up nothing.  i am a monster, but i am not.  i am depressed, but who gives a fuck?  i am going through shit at work, but that's nothing new.  my parents are worrying to me but they're old now, and so am i.  and i'm not as old as i sometimes feel, but that's because i'm not doing anything to be more active, to ACTIVE-ate myself.  so i feel miserable most of the time.  i'm currently fighting down a gout flare that came in on me.  i'm in bed, having cleaned my bathroom and my kitchen, for the most part.  in the morning, i have to force my good morning at a reasonable time, get to the laundromat and wash and dry a load of clothes.  i'm going to see if my daughter is up and i'm going to pick her up and bring her here and make her breakfast and get her youthful natural knowledge base to help me finish formatting my book.   i'm going to try to get to my meeting, check on my parents, get some stuff for my work lunch on monday and get it in gear so i can be ready to roll come Monday the 16th.  I'm also going to wish my counselor a very sincere Happy Birthday here as her birthday is tomorrow, and i'm going to pray that she is surrounded by love and peace in this insane world we're living in right now.  i'm going to do it now because i won't see her again until Wednesday, God willing and the creek don't rise since it's full of shit for real now and i've no paddle at all.  if only she ever read my Journey.  sigh...
s   
anyway, i don't know when i'm going to break out of this.  psychotic weather, should be called Whether, for real.  psychotic mood swings.  but it's all me, none of it is new.  it's just grist for the mill, and grain for the meal.  and i'm going to keep moving until i can't, but today is not the day that i couldn't. 

if the sun rises tomorrow, i'll deal with it then.  if it doesn't, thank you, Jehovah, for the good years and the good learning.  i'm going to shut this down for now, got to get up early, try to find my paddle.  God wills...