way more than the next day, I know. but I figured it would be, to be honest. but I didn't think I'd get back to it quickly, because I knew I was feeling this shit from the inside out. and the need to understand has a much greater weight than the need to finish a thought.
so, i became a zealot for the 12 step program. i'd say that's accurate. i really started that process from the moment i met my sponsor, but once i got back from Parkside, i saw things in myself, things in the process of discovery, that could help people find truths that were otherwise elusive. i began to feel that we, in CA, had answers that none of the other fellowships had, because we went deeper into the emotional content of the sick and suffering individual. and that's what a zealot does, doesn't he? he believes, with no room for doubt. and maybe that was part of the waiting as well, because i know the first thing that filled me with Zeal was my sponsor. and i can acknowledge that now. Johnny Copeland was the most dynamic individual i'd met in my 20 year old life at that point, and he immediately became what i wanted to be if i ever grew up. were it not for the program of CA, i would have worshipped him. but the program gave me an outlet for the emotions i experienced. i mean, Johnny believed, and so therefore I believed. and i poured my energy into the fellowship. but not into growing and changing. i was content to work below the radar, because it was safer there. so even as a Zealot, i was still timid. that didn't change until much later.
the Fellowship grew, and my conviction grew along with it. and the attention it garnered, positive and negative, was fortifying to my ego. i knew people were paying attention because i was on the side of (johnny) right, I was telling truths and breaking down steps and digging into the dark places to find where individuals got hurt and endeavoring to help them find their way from their darkness...in most cases, whether they wanted to come out or not. and eventually, the price tag for one's arrogance must be paid, even if one didn't know that is what they were purchasing.
when it started to turn was when I got with the woman who was to be my wife and is now my only ex-wife. I tried to FIX her, and found that I couldn't fix a woman I was fucking, and once I opened those doors I wasn't able to close them again. like Mickey and the brooms in Fantasia. and it turned on me and became my first significant failure, which was also just ego manifestation. I fucked up someone's progress, skewed them from their path of recovery, 13th stepped them for my own very selfish purposes, but the failure of the marriage was my first significant failure IN THE PROGRAM. that's what Zeal does, though. I'm right, though all my actions may SEEM wrong. and because I'M Right, all my actions must've been right as well. twisted.
but that took some starch out of me. and taking my daughter's mother as a hostage and having that also bite me in the ass took more out. and in both cases, having the individuals of CA stand in judgement over me took a lot of my Zeal right out of the equation. it was like, "AFTER ALL I'VE DONE FOR YOU PEOPLE!", that kinda bullshit. but it was enough to make me want to not be bothered with the program for a couple years.
part 3 soon enough...
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