well, it's Sunday. tomorrow is work. Work has become a heavier word than i'm comfortable with, but i'm dealing with it. honestly. today is Sunday. Tomorrow is conjecture. if it doesn't come, i'll have spent today worrying for nothing, so I choose not to. that simple. but not.
Friday I didn't go to work. I decided I'd call off because I HAVE A COLD. Even typing that, even knowing the sarcasm that is implied in the allcap typing, doesn't make it seem less ridiculous to me. but it is what I did, because on Tuesday the Welcome Coordinator felt it her responsibility to query from her superior whether I should be at work with a cold. And, trust me, I understand, I drive mostly elderly patients. but. BUT. As we utilize one driver at a time, me not coming to work for a cold, or being chastised for coming with a cold and sent home, would have left that facility without a driver, period.
Truth is, I have a fairly good work ethic. And it took me a lot of years to get here. once I certainly did not have a good work ethic. once I would gladly have called off with a cold, a sprain, an errant thought. and I would have tried to stay gone for as long as I possibly could. But i'm not that person anymore. The man I am today, the man I like being, wouldn't miss work for some bullshit reason. And that man has been compromised by this silly woman. and I am not sexist, she is a silly person who happens to be a woman. I've encountered silly men as well. But the gender doesn't matter. I have to reset my mind around my tasks going in to work tomorrow. I have to put myself in the frame of going to serve the patients and being cordial towards ALL the staff. that's the only way I'll get through this. And the compromise, the attack against my integrity, the constant sniping that resolves nothing at all, is chipping away at my good feelings about this job. My resume on Indeed.com has been updated. I'm going to see what's out there, I'm going to see what else is available. trouble is, I don't believe things are going to get better. I just believe I am being led toward a confrontation that I really don't want, and I don't want the resentment that will come from being put in that position in the first place.
enough of that, though. no adventure should be singularly focused. last weekend, I think it was, I went to Walmart and got my headlight changed, finally. actually got both changed, because if one goes the likelihood of the other going is pretty high. so, on Thursday, I'm pretty sure, I was home, just chilling. I was going to bring Syd by for dinner but the snow made me change my mind. wanted to see my progeny and her offspring, but I knew I didn't want to be in the snow for an extended time if it wasn't absolutely necessary. just one of those days. but they had nothing to eat, so I went to get them some KFC. in so doing, I tried to use my windshield wipers to clear the snow from my car and they broke. the wipers, that is. KLUNK. and I was dumbfounded. I was talking to Lonnie when it happened, and I finally got off the phone, just drove to take Syd and Timothy some food and I came home. called my brother the next day to see if he had a mechanic, and he referred someone I haven't used because of not being contacted back about the Grand Marquis. but this was sort of dire, so I contacted the dude. he was at work, and he said he would call me back and he didn't. so I was ready to write him off again, but not having anyone else, I sent him a text yesterday, and he called back and said to bring the car out, which I did. and he checked, found the bushings that snug the control arm to the wiper transmission unit were gone. Today he found the bushings at the flea market, came by just before the meeting and finished fixing my car. and i'm so happy, because no wipers ends a whole lot of things in a state like Ohio. when you can only get around on clear days, you take your chance every damn day. and that's a fact.
so the car is running. and I realize i'm big as hell again, have swollen up, and don't know what the fuck, though a significant part of it is physical inactivity. I got to get motivated, but it's not there at the moment. I was speaking to my counselor about the ZEAL I once felt for so many things, a zeal that is not here now. I can't say what has changed, other than I just look at the world with eyes that don't hold much hope for anything better and a part of myself is saying, 'Why the fuck should I bother?" And that's a good question. but I can't live in that. I've got to find something to fire this shit back up. But I'll be damned if I know what that is.
So, fat. Bored. Lonely. Apprehensive about and at work. Impatient. some of the baggage i'm carrying in the medulla oblongatta carrying case. time to clean house again, maybe? work through the steps, get a 4th and 5th done? can't really afford the prolonged session with VF anymore, though. we'll see how it all works out. meanwhile..
Sunday. about to put a sweet potato in the oven. gonna shave and shower. gonna hang up clothes. gotta get my coffee pot ready for the morning. and then I can relax, eat and crash when it's time, ready for work tomorrow.
regardless of my personal negative baggage, thank you, Jehovah, for blessing me with breath and movement, for peace in my day and the ability to sleep. that's enough for today.
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