haven't really been good with this lately, but i'm upstairs in the office now, which is the place i need to be, and figure i might as well do right, and try to reestablish the parameters of forward movement. doesn't that sound like a good idea?
it's Monday, anyway. i've had a good weekend, by the standards of the isolation and deep introspection that i normally spend the weekends in. but before that, let's just say that i have still been starting the days with my prayer, with reading my books (though not this past weekend), and with my medications. the reason i say that, and include the lack of reading on Saturday, is because there has to be some kind of structure, but at the same time, there also has to be an accountability for when i slack up, when i don't do what i'm supposed to do. if i'm not willing to hold myself accountable, then nothing changes. so, this morning? great start. all the points hit, including a light breakfast.
but over the weekend? well, on friday i had to go through the motions of having Rachel over and scaling back a bit with a new revelation about some things in her motivation. such as, she is very insecure, yet she places so much stock in what people think and say about her. not a good combination. and that is an observation based on watching her freak out about clothes that she had on to go to dinner with a friend, feeling like she looked foolish when in fact she looked rather fine, but she can't hear that from me or believe it anyway. i'm not taking it on, i just hate to think of it in terms of her feeling like anyone else should ever be that important in her life. myself included. also, Friday i missed counseling AGAIN. not going to even act like i'm beating myself up about that, as VF will be upset with me if i do. but i wonder about these distractions that keep interfering. i wonder about my mental capacities, am i slipping more? those are things i can't help but wonder. on my job, i put a lot of mental energy into the details of the route, and i rarely forget anything. but that takes work now. funny how you get to the age where the focus increases as the retention ability dissipates. but that's apples and oranges or something like that. anyway, i missed counseling, i worked through the day, Rachel came by and critiqued herself and i ended up going silent because i realized sometimes there is no right thing to say.
the next day, i did some chores, including cleaning my downstairs and some shopping for curtains and shit for my kitchen and bathroom. Rachel came back over, spent the day. it was nice, it's been such a long time. i got curtains for my bathroom windows and kitchen, and shower as well. got rugs for my bathroom floor and two mats for the front door; one inside and one outside. by the end of the night i was worn completely out. we had dinner, we talked, we shared more. sunday was the meeting and getting ready for this day, and both went well enough.
today i had a short day, as some clients did other things in the afternoon. i am tired now, but that's okay. i'm going to finish this, go downstairs and pay some bills and i'm going to get into the shower. i'm going to get some rest, and tomorrow i'll do it again. that's the deal for the most part.
i don't feel bad right now; the knee is much better, the back still has that pain but i can live with it for now. my clothes are put away and i've eaten my dinner. i just want to shut down and be ready to roll tomorrow, if it is God's will that i have a tomorrow left in me. i am grateful for this time of reflection, and grateful to Jehovah for the gift of life. i'm going to wrap this up now and i'll do my best to hit it again tomorrow.
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