Dwindling...

when change comes, there is nothing really to do about it except change.  the only other option is to resist, and that is essentially choosing to be run down rather than get out of the intersection.  at the moment, i'm standing in the intersection. 

it's been another 5 days.  i don't know what is changing in me.  i don't know why i have these delays between writing.  my time off work is dwindling.  there are things that i need to get done, but nothing that is burning a hole in my brain.  i guess there's some comfort in that. 

i haven't written apparently since just before the so-called Christmas holiday.  what have i done since then?  well... let's see.

i hung out with Rachel on Wednesday, that was nice.  i took food to my parents on Wednesday as well, which was also nice.  meeting, the usual stuff. made a wonderful loaded baked potato soup.  but that was Thursday, i think.  anyway, the meeting was good, crowded, and the people appreciated the pizza, and we did our business and the year of the 12 & 12 @ 12 is officially done.  Thursday, i went to my parent's house, just to take ham.  mostly i stayed in bed.  it was that kind of day.  was waiting to see if the 2nd in command was going to call for a lunch rendezvous as per an earlier conversation, but no such thing occurred, and i survived without it.  Friday, found a mouse drowning in a pot of water in my kitchen sink, woke me right the fuck up.  dumped him and the water outside.  found him later that day frozen and dead on the front walk.  went to counseling.  went to help Lonnie get some things from his parent's house.  got some cast iron skillets from their house that i have to cure, score.  went to my parent's house, fixed breakfast for them.  brings me up to today. 

yesterday and today i've been muddling through a gout flare, but i am not completely inundated by it.  i've just about finished my song 'Broken Hearts Will Bleed', and i only have to lay the vocals tomorrow.  washed some clothes, dried them and put them away...no that was yesterday.  talked to SH (new sponsee) about owning how she feels and having a choice who she deals with or does not deal with.  talked to Rachel, took her to get some food, and just finished writing and filling in the past five days.  so i'm going to take some meds, shut it down and get ready for tomorrow. 

i'm so grateful for this Journey, for the blessing of life and sobriety, and for the God that has allowed me to continue on despite my best attempts. 

twas the day before the so-called Christmas...

...it's time to start.

good morning still.  it's about 10am, if i'm not mistaken.  1030, closer.  it's monday morning, and i'm about to do a quick roll to the gas station. got to fuel up so i don't have to worry about it tomorrow. 

i've been trying to get my mind around some things, but not too heavy.  not losing my mind over anything right now.  actually trying to reconcile some things that i need to work on.  i'm not going to try to play catch-up, but i issue an apology for my long absences.  over the past week, the hard part has been keeping myself moving.  its been rough, with the things about feeling like my company essentially said 'fuck you' on the bonus thing, and remembering that the important thing is having the job to make the money to take care of myself and my life.  as well, i've been trying to get my mind around tending to some people that i've just let slide, because i don't want stress and strife in my existence today, nor do i want to keep negative shit floating around like my life is someone's backed-up toilet.  trying to flush that shit.  but i am still imbued with a response-ability, that if someone requires help and God puts them in my path my job is to try to help them.  to that effect, TP has been trying to get in touch with me and i'm going to call her this morning, before i head out.  but i'm not investing a ton of time in that.  just have to see that she's okay and then get on with it.

yesterday we had a pot luck at the sunday meeting and not many people showed up.  i made a cold-cut tray and only Marc and Gary ate from it.  i gave it to my brother Jerry, along with the baked ziti i got from Marc because he made a whole roasting pan and there was no one there to eat it.  so i got to feed my brother which was cool, and i went to my parent's house to make dinner for them as my mother wasn't feeling well, and that was cool too.

today i have to write.  it's past time.  i have to get back to moving to the light of creativity and better things.  i've been hanging with Rachel, and that's cool.  i've been talking to Syd and De'ja as much as i can.  i've been doing my meetings.  i've been praying and reading and trying to stay as close to my center as i can.  and i'm ready to start working on Z-Phyles again. 

i guess i'm just wanting to keep doing me, but i am very grateful.  i don't feel overwhelmingly sad right now, i don't feel lack or stressed.  and i don't have much more than i did, but in Jehovah's hands a small amount can be an abundance, because gratitude makes it exactly enough. 

so, onward, upward and forward.  aspire higher, inquire higher and desire higher, because it is not impossible at all.  thank you, Father, for making enough more than enough. the abundance of Your love makes all things beneficial. 

Back To Myself

a new day.  the middle of the week.  two more days to go until the winter break for the workshops.  two more days until i have 13 days off.  no pay, but i count them as a vacation anyway.  i'll have enough cash.  without running back and forth to work, expenditures won't be huge.  so, i can live with not being in the midst of the company's madness for a few days.  i'm looking forward to it. 

took a lot to get my 'self' back this time.  i am not really sure why.  i think it's the realization that no one else seems to see much of a problem with the way things exist at the moment.  sleeping minds make every form of bullshit possible and successful.  and it seems, even in 2018 and beyond, that people would rather be led than think, regardless of empirical evidence of the harm that does.  so it leaves a person alone in the world, for the most part. 

but i'm not alone. 

i've got my broth in the crock pot, preparing for greens.  got wings marinating, getting ready for the oven.  our pot-luck at work is tomorrow.  good stuff, to be sure.  i'm going to have the kids by tomorrow, if they stay on course.  good stuff.  i've got people at work i talk to on a daily basis, whose company i'm actually beginning to enjoy.  good stuff. 

there is always a better place in the world if a person allows themselves to see it.

doctor's appointment after work today.  time to shake it all out and warm up the car. 

thank you, Jehovah, for blessing me with a new facet in this life of mine.

Slow Dissipation

it takes awhile, sometimes.  but it comes, if you allow it to.

it's sunday now, and the anger and bitterness has faded.  good nights of sleep, rest and relaxation does quite a bit to temper the heated spirit.  that doesn't mean that i am wrong for how i feel, not at all. it just means that i have to take into account the knowledge of how things are done at my job, and also take into account how i have choices and must begin to exercise them more astutely.  i can't blame a thief for being a thief, nor can i get mad if a known thief steals from me because i was careless guarding my things.  i must start by being angry with myself for being careless, and do something about that.

so, it's sunday.  friday was a short day, and a learning day in its own way.  i am certain i ruffled some feathers with my attitude on Thursday, but i'm also certain that i don't care.  i didn't do anything wrong, and i'm not going to try to mend what was broken when i got there.  i'm going to continue to be the best me i'm capable of, and i'm going to get back to putting in applications and seeking a new place of employment.

Saturday was a non-day for the most part.  i laid around, ate some food, got a few things as i want to make a soup for monday, and i talked to some people on the phone.  i have been in need of rest, and though this won't be as huge a rest as i'll get next week, it will have to suffice.  i also have some clarity on a few things that i needed to see, and that is important to me as well.  i can't operate on the premise of 'appreciation' from others. i have to continue to seek to do Jehovah's will, and allow that to be my motivation and the bringer of any reward that comes to me.  those are the rewards that matter most anyway.

today i'm going to my meeting.  i'm going to my parent's house and i'm going to the store.  going to Lonnie's to pick up a crock pot to put the soup in to take to work tomorrow.  i'm putting in some applications.  i'm making my dinner.  had my shower and shave, it will suffice for tomorrow as well.  i've seen my child, my grandchild and his father.  it is good enough and it's just about time to roll.

i am grateful for all that i have been taught, all that i have yet to learn, and all that i currently know.  i am grateful to God for information, knowledge and wisdom, and the process of taking the first and turning it into the third. 

changes

changes occur.  and i don't mean my lack of writing in the journals i am supposed to be maintaining.  i mean, changes come in life, and the choice what to do in those changes becomes paramount, though you may not know it at the time.

i haven't written in some days.  it may be this way for awhile, sorry to say.  most days i am exhausted, though i'm not sure why.  things hurt every day.  my back, between my shoulder blades.  both knees.  walking is a slow process.  sleeping is broken.  i am going through some changes myself.  i keep working.  i keep moving forward.  i don't exactly know why; i just don't have sufficient reason to stop yet. 

today was stupid at work.  just, a bunch of ignorant shit, in the very literal definition of the term, 'ignorant'.  lacking knowledge, unknowing, unsophisticated.  they essentially gave us what amounts to the only raises we're going to get, as a bag of candy, some kind of small food packet/pouches, and a chance to play bingo for prize gift cards.  amazing.  and the other drivers, for the most part, went for it.  i was angry half the day.  i have to give it up and leave it in today, not take it into tomorrow should i be blessed with such a time frame. 

i have been doing okay eating wise, but i need to do much better.  i just want to be of whatever service i can, and i want to keep gratitude firmly focused in the front of my brain.  i am blessed, no matter what i think about current events in my life. 

i'm going to sleep.  i hope i can wake with a better attitude than i took to bed with me.  thank you, Father, for all that life entailed today. 

New Week

its monday morning now.  the weekend officially ended, the work week come again.  it's funny, almost a year now of constant employment, and i tend to still think of it in terms of how unusual it is.  a life spent on the cusp of working, of always being close to not having a job at any particular time.  i thought i'd work for Menendian's in columbus until i was done working, thought perhaps i could finish my years at West.  never know, never know.

i'm up.  the weekend was okay.  Saturday was not eventful, and i needed it to not be.  i rested, i let my right leg not have to go through anymore than need be.  i also pulled back a bit from the new Rachel chapter, knowing that i would do well not to feed it until it becomes a 'need', but allow it to remain a wanted intermission to my regular life.  maybe not even conscious, but definitely true.  she is still struggling to get to her own surface, and i cannot help her get there.  i can only pray for her success and keep moving in my own vehicle, and be grateful that i've got one.

yesterday i got a coin from my friends at the meeting.  i had purchased myself a 30 year coin, but i got another one that is a keeper, i think.  it made me a bit sad, because it was like Johnnie had put it on their hearts to get me one, and i don't usually even bother anymore.  i just try to remember the work that i'm there to do.  then i went to visit Nancy, and i saw Zeus, their husky, and he still seems sad that Johnnie's not there, as does Nancy, as am I.  never good to be sad, always good to know you're not the only one grieving.  i got two of his coffee travel cups, that he always brought to meetings with him, and some knives which is weird, and some canned goods he asked for but never got to eat, which is also weird.  but weird was not beyond our pale.

almost time to go.  got 2 more weeks, then off for a little while.  need some me time, some rest and creativity time.  got to get ready to switch gears in 2019, get my ass back in production mode.  but for now, gratitude and appreciation.  thank you, Jehovah, for a new day and a good enough life. 

Maybe...

...maybe there ain't no better that's coming.  maybe it's like Tony in West Side Story, knowing that change was coming, hoping it was something like Maria and a good life, but in reality it was his own murdering of Benito and his subsequent murder in the arms of the woman he loved. 

no, that's not the tone for this Sunday.  it's just how i feel when i read the news anymore. 

a man kidnapped, raped and murdered a 13 year old girl in North Carolina, and he has been caught, and he is of a criminal nature, and he is black and i read stuff like this and realize we are undermined by our own cancerous cells that grow and proliferate of their own volition.  i don't believe any race is any better, nor any worse, but once upon a time i was raised to believe the future of my people was bright, and now i see we are the stealers of our own light, and that makes me sad.

lighter note. 

it's sunday now.  Friday i made it to counseling, YAY!  friday, i finished the work week strong, didn't take short cuts, got everyone home safe.  it was a long day.  i thought about Joshua on the job where i work, and hope that things work out for him.  i think it will.  he drives well enough and is personable and kind to  others.  it will serve him well working with the developmentally disabled. 

saturday, i did a lot of nothing, except clean my kitchen and make split pea soup experimentally.  ate food, watched television, and rested.  i did pray, did read scripture, did take medicine.  even the Lasix, which i hadn't been taking, and i pissed all day, pissed the day away, you might say.

today is sunday.  i have the one o'clock meeting.  i'm going to see Nancy afterward, sit a spell with her.  my dad is in the hospital, hopefully he'll be out today. gonna wash and dry a load of clothes somewhere.  going to get ready for work tomorrow.

gonna finish reading the news.  have to know.  have to know.

but it is very depressing, and it makes me sad.  not just the brothers being killed and the brothers killing each other. the world state, the condition of man in his decline.  it's all scriptural, all biblical, and all real.  but it is depressing. 

regardless, i am grateful to Jehovah, as this is not His doing but ours, and i am thankful that i have a choice and am capable of making the right one more often than i used to. 

Wednesday, Thursday & Possibly Beyond...

morning now.  i should have had this done yesterday, but getting it done is the important thing.  my alarm will sound shortly, but i refuse to be hurried today.

i forced myself to rest last night.  i've been pushing very hard, for quite some time now, just keeping it moving because the choices are minimal.  my sleep usually ends about 2 in the morning over the past couple of days, but last night when i woke around midnight i stayed down and rolled over until sleep returned.  i hope it helps today.

i'm okay, but my left hand is mostly encased in a neuropathic tingling.  my knee is much better, but not 100, and maybe it never will be again.  can't say, i'm not God.  but i'm walking without the cane, driving without too much pain and that's the blessing i am grateful for. 

i've not seen my grandson or daughter since Thanksgiving, and i'm working on keeping the want adjusted to a minimum.  funny how the little ones just consume your life.  but it is not different than anything else.  keep the want down, and all encounters become blessings and remain fresh.  it's working for now.

i took chicken salad to work yesterday.  they ate it up and loved it, though i thought it was kind of 'just okay'.  but i didn't do it for praise, i did it for something to do, something to keep me occupied.  the runs have been okay, one of the troublesome clients is out of town for the week, and its been pretty uneventful otherwise. 

Rachel has been a pleasant constant.  i am not out of conscious memory of her absence and so remain appreciative of her presence.  we still talk most days, she has a lot of changes on her plate and i'm trying not to crowd her or fix things, because it's not my place or my job, nor is it a request. 

first peek out the window, its cold but no snow on my car.  time to get it started.  i'm grateful for the day behind, and i hope whatever is ahead allows me to be used as a blessing in someone's life. 

thank you, Father, for the days in both directions.

Short Time...

haven't really been good with this lately, but i'm upstairs in the office now, which is the place i need to be, and figure i might as well do right, and try to reestablish the parameters of forward movement.  doesn't that sound like a good idea?  

it's Monday, anyway.  i've had a good weekend, by the standards of the isolation and deep introspection that i normally spend the weekends in.  but before that, let's just say that i have still been starting the days with my prayer, with reading my books (though not this past weekend), and with my medications.  the reason i say that, and include the lack of reading on Saturday, is because there has to be some kind of structure, but at the same time, there also has to be an accountability for when i slack up, when i don't do what i'm supposed to do.  if i'm not willing to hold myself accountable, then nothing changes.  so, this morning?  great start.  all the points hit, including a light breakfast.  

but over the weekend?  well, on friday i had to go through the motions of having Rachel over and scaling back a bit with a new revelation about some things in her motivation.  such as, she is very insecure, yet she places so much stock in what people think and say about her.  not a good combination.  and that is an observation based on watching her freak out about clothes that she had on to go to dinner with a friend, feeling like she looked foolish when in fact she looked rather fine, but she can't hear that from me or believe it anyway.  i'm not taking it on, i just hate to think of it in terms of her feeling like anyone else should ever be that important in her life. myself included.  also, Friday i missed counseling AGAIN.  not going to even act like i'm beating myself up about that, as VF will be upset with me if i do.  but i wonder about these distractions that keep interfering.  i wonder about my mental capacities, am i slipping more?  those are things i can't help but wonder.  on my job, i put a lot of mental energy into the details of the route, and i rarely forget anything.  but that takes work now.  funny how you get to the age where the focus increases as the retention ability dissipates.  but that's apples and oranges or something like that.  anyway, i missed counseling, i worked through the day, Rachel came by and critiqued herself and i ended up going silent because i realized sometimes there is no right thing to say.  

the next day, i did some chores, including cleaning my downstairs and some shopping for curtains and shit for my kitchen and bathroom.  Rachel came back over, spent the day.  it was nice, it's been such a long time.  i got curtains for my bathroom windows and kitchen, and shower as well.  got rugs for my bathroom floor and two mats for the front door; one inside and one outside.  by the end of the night i was worn completely out.  we had dinner, we talked, we shared more.  sunday was the meeting and getting ready for this day, and both went well enough.  

today i had a short day, as some clients did other things in the afternoon.  i am tired now, but that's okay.  i'm going to finish this, go downstairs and pay some bills and i'm going to get into the shower.  i'm going to get some rest, and tomorrow i'll do it again. that's the deal for the most part.  

i don't feel bad right now; the knee is much better, the back still has that pain but i can live with it for now.  my clothes are put away and i've eaten my dinner.  i just want to shut down and be ready to roll tomorrow, if it is God's will that i have a tomorrow left in me.  i am grateful for this time of reflection, and grateful to Jehovah for the gift of life.  i'm going to wrap this up now and i'll do my best to hit it again tomorrow.