,,,end of the day...

the day is closing now.  it's been a rough but fulfilling sort of day.  it has had some very pronounced lows, and some significant ups.  and i think i killed a bluebird, so there's that also.

from where i left off earlier, i took Syd and LZ to the doctor (10lbs, 9oz, and a booster shot), and i got some fish tacos and went back to work.  the end of the day was fine, no incidents today (yesterday, when i was letting my interesting and strange client off the bus, he threw a brick and a gas can at the bus, having been angered, and possibly triggered by me, en route by me asking if he were dismantling the bus).  i got the bus filled up for tomorrow, got my paperwork put away and went to my parent's house to see what was going on with my mom unable to access her bank account and see about borrowing her car on Friday to go to Columbus.  after that, i went to Sav-a-Lot and came home, made myself some dinner, put dishes away and ate.  now i'm pondering the reality of going to shave and shower, get my ass in gear for starting the work day tomorrow.  i need to get a load of clothes done, need to get to my meeting, need to gather things for Friday.  i'm definitely going; already have my room reserved, and i guess i can rent a car if i have to.  but i don't want to do that.  bad enough going to my former home city to a hotel room, but in a rental car?  that would be a business trip, or something shady in a strange city.  but i guess in it's own way Columbus is a strange city now. 

funny to think summer is going to wind down soon.  winter will come.  the snow will fall, and this year i'll be a driver, not an aide. i'll be more responsible for safety and care.  but it's just phases of existence, isn't it?  tomorrow will be a new day, a new month, and the hint of the new season will be prevalent through both summer's tenacity and the shortening of daylight.  and most will be completely oblivious until it's obvious that summer is gone.  should i be the one thinking about it?  should anyone?

i thank my God and Creator for the day, for the cessation of pain and for my friend having a better day.  and i ask for intervention on behalf of LH as she is now in the hospital. 

mid-day reflecting

the year is more than half over now, just realized it.  it's almost August.  seven months in.  i'm at home, waiting to take Syd and LZ to a doctor's appointment.  i've made what arrangements i can as far as traveling to Columbus this weekend, i've made a doctor's appointment and called in refills on my existing prescriptions.  the first part of the day is done and the second shouldn't be a hassle. 

across the street a baby is screaming, which is how she cries.  i would go pretty insane, internally anyway, if i had to listen to that all day again, but i did listen to it once upon a time and i didn't go any more insane than i already was at that time.  humans are far more resilient than we realize...and far less too.

i didn't log yesterday, so this is catching up thus far, because it bears recording.  i woke in some pain yesterday, as a monday.  spent the night on the phone with a lady from California, which was nice but it reminded me that i'm getting old.  not enough sleep, and the morning was sort of a hazy blur in which i got my first runs out the way and made my way to my parent's house. 

found out my mom had a bad fall while she was out of town with her sisters, and her head and back were still hurting.  after she visited with two of her brothers and a friend from the Hall, i had her call her doctor so she could set an appointment if need be.  she says today her head isn't hurting, so that is a good thing anyway.  i ate my lunch and went back to work from there. 

a hit of irony; before i left the work place, i had a note on my time card to call one of the client's SSA, a client that i'd had some issues with recently as far as him not having on two shoes, and that i worry about him a lot.  but i knew i shouldn't have to speak to anyone's SSA, that should be on the operations director.  but i waited, and the woman came, and she was referring to an incident that had happened when i wasn't driving this client, the second in command was.  so i nudged her in that direction and went on about my business. 

WELL.  on the second run, this particular client acts out In Almost The Exact Same WAY as he did with the second in command.  and i have to fill out an incident report and speak to his father about what was going on (again, not really my responsibility, but okay).  this will likely result in ANOTHER visit from the SSA but i would love to address some other things at that time.  regardless, that was how the work day went. 

my right foot was flaring up by that time, so i went to Aldi's, got some things i needed, came home, put together leftovers and ate, and was passing out in pain throughout the rest of the night.  not fun, not exciting, just facts. 

oh, and i made my reservation for a room for this weekend in Columbus.  so there's that too. 

i am grateful, i have survived the month of July, and i give thanks to Jehovah for that. 

a song to write, but not to sing...

how far we've come, how much is gone now.  it's not the worst thing i've encountered in this life.  maybe that's the problem sometimes; there's an actual scale in place, bad things, worse things, not so bad things.  wish i had less perspective and more friends.  but that's not really the issue, and if there is one, it's not pertinent this day.

i got up today, cool night and slow motion.  i said my prayer, got in gear and went to the kitchen to get some heated coffee, take my meds, read and ready myself for the day.  it wasn't a bad start, and i had plans to get out of this house today.  a continuation from yesterday, i gather. 

i did get going, pretty much on schedule, and called Lonnie on my way to the flea market on Jacobs.  he met me there after a bit,  and i got some fruit and some veggies, and i walked for a good while and i talked to some people and i got some sun.  i got OUT, in other words, and it felt pretty good, i admit.  we went to unload some yoga mats from his car at YSU but he didn't have his key so we went to brunch at What's Cookin' on South Ave.  i went to my meeting after that, came home, put some things away and i cooked and ate my dinner.  now, the kitchen is restored, i'm due for a shave and shower and it's almost time to get ready for tomorrow.  my lunch is by and large made, and there's not much more for me to do or commit brain energy to right now.  so i've been laying down, fucking around on FB, thinking about a year passing, about Rachel living her life, about whatever is in the future for me.  i've been thinking about whether i need to stay here or go somewhere else.  and by that i mean this city, this state, whatever you want to ponder on it.

i have nothing much left to offer here, and i'm sure i've nothing left to do.  Timothy, my grandson, is a reason, but i have a suspicion i'm going to just end up running interference in the drama his parents keep between them.  my parents are a reason, but i can't let that be my main motivation.  i'm not especially happy, but when the hell have i ever been?  i just have to take things one day at a time and be content to be in God's will.  because that's the reality of my life.  i can't make it into something that it's not.

anyway, i finished the lyrics to the song i wanted to work on, but my music phone is locked on a useless screen and i haven't worked out the melody just yet.  but it was writing.  and the bedding is different.  and i got out the house.  so, thank you, Father, for bringing about some much needed change over the past 48 hours. 

Still Working On It...

 

well.  it's saturday.  i think i'm out of emotional energy, but that's okay.  i've done some things today, and i've learned some things today, and maybe that's all the day was supposed to be.  i don't think i wrote yesterday, so let's play a bit of catch up, okay?

it will be a combination sort of post...the two pictures will be explained.

yesterday was rough.  i don't know exactly why.  it was a day when i really just didn't feel like doing the basic shit.  you know, going to work, getting out of bed...maybe even living, though i can't say that for certain, but i won't leave it out as my mind has been drifting through non-existence lately.  but, as has been the habit lately, i got up, did the do, and got to work, and it wasn't a bad work day.  even saw Syd and LZ and Joe, and spent time with my mom, helped my dad out with some currency (early rent to avoid a repayment), and took myself to dinner.  but i was miserable through most of the day, even with the pain lessening and the counseling session.  it is a year, i've cut off the FB visuals of Rachel, and i'm not feeling more sociable.  by the end of the day, i was passed out, feeling bloated, useless, ugly and sad.  full fucking circle, i guess.  but things were working themselves out somewhat in my head.  and i say that a lot, so don't take it as a conclusion (he says, as if someone were actually reading this nonsense).  it just means that way is still leading on to way. 

like Lonnie telling me i should check out the Ren faire he and his family were going to, and Syd asking me to go for a walk in the park with her and the baby, and me being willing to do both but not feeling either.  like with those, i had to start to look more closely at me, and what i'm doing and not doing, and ask the real hard question, which is, "What the fuck is the matter with you?"  and the only answer to that is i'm lonely, and i'm bored, and i feel sad.  so today, i decided to do some things that i needed to do anyway.

like, i thought about laying in this bed.  i'm here now, but i haven't been in it the entire day and that's progress.  anyway, i got this bed in August or September of last year.  when i got it, we tried to put it upstairs in a bedroom but it was too big, being a queen sized and all that.  so i put it in the front room.  had a fitted sheet from Colonial, had a comforter, the only one left from the apartment, had some pillows from my parent's attic.  i got two more pillows.  cleaned the bed that was already upstairs and fixed up a guest room there.  okay?  so, i've had the same fitted sheet, comforter and pillow cases on this bed for a year about now.  and i come in the house, and i change into shorts, and i put on house shoes, and i make some food, and i eat and then i climb into the same bed, in the same room i walk in on, as if my life has just been a breezeway to nowhere in particular.  so i thought, why haven't you changed the linen yet?  so i went to Big Lots and bought a bed in a bag set, and when from image one to image two.  and it makes me feel a little lighter, to be honest. 

i mean, i got up, i prayed and read and medicated and ate and got out the house.  i cleaned and vacuumed and i changed to all new linen.  i took myself to Red Lobster again (still got funds on the gift card) and went to Sparkles and got some fish for dinner tomorrow and a few other odds and ends.  and i tried to watch a movie, but that's still a bit much for me to do solo.  so, i did some things, and i got some things, and i changed some things.  and i am blessed to be able to do so and appreciative of the friendship that suggests some of these things and the spiritual guidance that makes me see the merit in them, and i thank Jehovah for today, as a good day and a good lesson.  now to log at the Dining Room and i'm done for the day. 

...for me to stay here I got to be me...

i'm trying.  really hard right now.  and Jehovah has a way of making me re-think my rantings, my ramblings, for which i am actually truly grateful.  what a difference a day makes...

today was taxing, trying and satisfying in some way.  i got up in pain, but that's not a new thing anymore.  i was struggling to get moving, feeling more like, 'why fucking bother?', but something in me started cussing me out and telling me to fuck all this self-pity bullshit.  so i got to moving hard, like, damn the pain, damn the limping, and i got moving and got to the kitchen and the bathroom.  i went downstairs and got my clothes from the dryer, i got my books read and my medicines taken, and i got my breakfast down and lunch made.  got clothes folded and in the basket, and i got my shit out the door in a timely fashion, doing okay too.  

then the day started. the girl who just grates against my nerves like a box grater across the surface of a brick of parmesan just wouldn't shut up, so i did my inspection on my bus early and stayed outside until it was time to roll out.  pick ups went okay until i got to the last one, my trouble-child, who got on the bus limping with one slide-on on his foot, his other foot bare and a toenail missing on his big toe.  i took him and the other two to their workshops, and i went and told my employer that she'd need to do something about it, because i wasn't going to get into some liability issue because the family wasn't dealing with him with any real sense of responsibility.  that brought me down, but i was heading home anyway.  i got here, took a prednisone and laid down for a couple hours, then i had lunch and Syd called.  she talked about leaving Joe (again), and asked for my opinion or suggestions, which i shared the latter and my perspective, which i knew meant practically nothing.  that depressed me too, but i kept it moving, got my ass dressed and back out the door.  

the second half of the day was okay, got everyone home safely, got back to the shop and left my keys and paperwork, and i came home.  i made my dinner (ate lunch at home), talked to Lonnie briefly, ate and have been chilling since.

i'm trying to keep a good perspective on myself.  talking to Syd, i came to a conclusion that perhaps, PERHAPS mind you, Jehovah is showing me what i'm supposed to do.  the way i'm feeling, the way i carry on, the eBay thing passing me over, maybe it's because it's likely that Syd and the baby will end up here, and i need my situation to be just what it is for that occasion.  maybe, i'm saying.  i don't know, and i don't assume to know God's will for me.  but i know i am where i am, and things happen for a reason, and all i can do is be still and allow myself to be a vessel. that's the best life there is, in my experience, and i am so glad that i get reminders of that.  Thank you, Father, and i am going to update at the Dining Table and get some sleep.  

...out of my constrictions...

i'm not doing too well at the moment.  i'm sorry to have to say that, but i have to be honest.  the title of this comes from a popular Funkadelic song, 'One Nation Under A Groove', and it's where i need to be right now.  i feel everything is too much at this moment.  i must be sane, as i'm still observing my qualifiers, like 'at this moment; at the moment'. it may pass, but it hasn't for months now.

i'll document the day.  it's five o'clock, so i have time and i'm awake.  i got up after a good sleep.  i'd taken a prednisone yesterday, as the pain that has been with me all last week was resurfacing after less than a day of relief.  i slept deeply, in fact...Lonnie had called me yesterday and i was surprised to find that i was asleep at all.  and then i faded right back into the sleep, but i did turn on a binaural video and i woke about 330 again.  i said my prayer and got my ass out the bed.  i took my insulin and pills, read my meditation books and ate while reading my scriptures, same as always.  then i got a load of clothes into the washer after i got dressed, i gathered trash to take one more back out before putting the can on the curb, i got the meeting stuff together and i made my way to work. 

not a particularly hard day, though i was aware starting out my foot was beginning to throb again.  but i was determined to get through this day.  one of my riders was not with us, doctor's appointment, so i should have finished up the morning runs early, but i never got a call about him not riding, so i spent more time at his house than i should have.  i did get it done, got the clients i had to their workshop, got back to the shop and got to my parent's house. 

my mom was sleep when i got in, i didn't want to disturb her.  i made her a pot of coffee, got some tea for myself.  she woke, and we talked a bit, but i was short with her, partly how i was feeling, partly because she was digging for information she didn't have to dig for.  i told her i was doing all right, regardless of what she thought she perceived.  i told her the baby was doing okay.  i told her it didn't matter how long i was there before she woke up.  i nodded briefly, then i went to my meeting. 

my irritability was growing.  i was short with some new women at the meeting, though they were talking about conditional amend-making and i addressed the danger of what they spoke on.  i left the meeting early and went back to work. 

the second half, i noticed something i've been noticing with myself lately...i was feeling very sad, almost constantly.  as in, it's beneath the surface of my skin, it's below my features always.  old songs attached to old loves.  memories of things that will not come this way again. still in that year of passing off a relationship that i'd wanted more than most.  alone in this house.  i do nothing but fuck around on facebook and other useless sights.  no calls except YW and Lonnie.  yes, self-pity, i acknowledge that.  but every day, i try to count my blessings.  every day i pray.  every day i read and try to get out of myself.  and all it seems to bring is further feelings of despondency.  and of course, i could ask for a prescription and just hide from whatever is going on inside me.  but i'm not.  i'm seeing the rolling of the credits now, and i don't know whether it's the beginning of a new film or the end of the same old fucking story.  can't tell.

anyway, add to that my washer's spin and drain cycle just broke.  Today.  with a load in the washer.  Submerged in laundry water all day in a dank basement.  aye.  tub leaking.  mouse nest, burners not working, groundhogs, poison ivy encasing the entire garage, car needing work, and now the washer not working. 

i'm tired. 

i'm tired.

i don't even know if i'm grateful today. i'm just tired. 

and i need a break.  from this pain, from these details, a moment to fucking breathe, to scream, to something. 

i don't know, Father. 

Staticky

wow.  what a day, what a day.  i can't even call it a bad day, it was just...a day.

i'm glad it's over, that much i can say with assurance.

not much to report.  i got up earlier than i wanted to, about 330 in the am.  i got coffee heating about an hour earlier than that, i said my prayer and got my ass moving before the alarm, taking my insulin and  medicine and reading my books.  i ate the other half of my stromboli for breakfast.  i got out the house early, wanting to get in in time to do my pre-check on my new bus and to relax my spirit before i rolled out.

truth is, i wasn't prepared.  there is no way to be prepared for something you don't know.  you can try to prepare for everything, but that is impossible.  what i can say is, i left on time, got to the new house on time.  the client was running late getting to the bus, and that threw off everything else.  but it wasn't completely on him.  i hadn't taken into consideration that if he was in a wheelchair, i'd have to make adjustments as to the positioning of his security hooks on the floor of the van, and while i got him secured down, i couldn't fasten his seat belt, so i had to take hooks off, take one out of the track, reposition him, get him secured down and seat belted, and then we were off.  late, but off.  we got everyone, late, and we got to the workshop.

i saw my mom between runs, made she and my dad breakfast sandwiches, had a nice talk with her.  left her a sandwich that i'd prepared for my lunch before i changed my mind and my appetite.  went back to work, talked to Lonnie for a spell before i finished out the work day.  it also took longer than it should have, and i realize this is going to be a monkey wrench in my taut schedule, but that's going to have to be all right.  it was a guesstimate, at best, and if it proves inaccurate, there will need to be an adjustment.  but that's just how that cookie crumbles, right?

i've had dinner.  i talked with my friend/sponsee about not calling.  i'm sure i made her feel bad, but i didn't want her to think it's okay to isolate in your own head, you have to come out, or at the very least you have to let some folks in to see how you're doing from time to time.  now i'm going to log in the Dining Room, and shut this shit down for the night.  i'm grateful to God for another day drawing to it's closing.