I notice how tired i am lately...well, for some time now. i've attributed it to just about everything under the sun. i'd have to say i believe i'm usually wrong, but sometimes, some days, it's so clear and evident that there is no denying, no overlooking, no misdirection. i believe in my heart this is one of those days.
from the beginning. i got up, said prayers, shut off my alarm before it chimed. i got dressed for the gym, but no stretching, no crunches. i had coffee, water, read my books and got the car warmed up and made my way to the gym at 530...to find, once i got to my treadmill, that i left my phone at home...hence, all my music. i like being in my own space when i go to the gym. i like to acknowledge my gym-mates, but not have to talk or to listen unless i choose to. comfort, i know. but it sent me home and back to bed. because i forgot my phone because i was tired, you see. my mind had been churning all night. on my brother, with his audible calls of suicide. with this thing of not being able to get a call back on a job prospect, and feeling sort of worthless because of that, but trying to keep my spirits up. God has a plan for me, i know...
anyway, i came home, climbed back in the bed. weary. lethargic. and eventually, i had some breakfast. Syd didn't go to school today; her back was hurting. i told her she'd have to call her doctor and make an appointment. all the high octane meds that were here are gone. and that becomes a concern. we are now in a world where they will get you hooked on pills for a chronic or severe pain and you go to heroin because it's cheaper and easier to get. i ate breakfast, read, snoozed and edited. the book is a tome of vanity and insanity. that would be an awesome name for it. it has left me feeling like a voyeur outside a window where the vilest acts are taking place. but it's a pay job, so i keep doing it. i call my mother to see how she is doing, though, and then the bottom falls out.
yesterday, during our family get-together, my sister, who is running late, tells me over the house phone that my brother is in the hospital, that he was suicidal again. i told her to leave it alone for the moment, to just come to my parents house and have dinner and i would talk to her about it later. when she arrived, i was worn out, no energy at all. i texted her from my parent's driveway to not say anything to my mother. said i'd call her later, which i did to no avail. and telling her not to tell my mom was to no avail as well.
so when i call my mother, she's upset. she's worrying about my younger brother. i go into a red haze. i am angry. i feel like cursing my sister out. i feel like cursing my brother out. i don't understand this shit at all. why would you just decide to tell my mother something that would ruin our get-together? why would you continue to broadcast your suicidal tendencies? i forced myself to calm, and then i called my older brother.
he came by and i talked to him and asked him to speak to our younger sister, as he is the eldest. we talked for a bit, and he said he'd talk to her, as he could see my anger level was high. i had tried to call the younger brother but had a wrong number for him. i got the right number and called and no answer. i had no energy, psychic or physical. i laid in my bed and waited for time to visit Heather at the jail.
none of the nonsense today at the jail, though i did remove my belt voluntarily. it was a weirdish visit. she's down to 11 days and she wants to stay clean, according to her. but the courts want to put her on a drug, vivitrol, that sounds like it's just one more fucking chemical to make the pharmaceuticals wealthier on human misery. but, i didn't go into that with her. just told her to stay focused and try to help someone else suffering as she had.
i went to Sav-a-lot and got chicken and some things for dinner. i talked to Lonnie finally, and he is in the midst of a confrontation with his dad and his family about them taking some forward proactive steps toward his dad's care, because his dad is being very disregarding of him. it was like i was taking on brick by brick of a wall that was going to be erected around me eventually.
i talked to Rachel, but not for nearly long enough. Syd and I had dinner, and my sister had called while i was eating. i texted her that i would call her in a few. i ate and talked to Syd for a minute, and then i called my sister back. at least she took ownership for the wrong of telling my mother, but she had to unload her own burdens at the same time, as she has been giving my brother (in the hospital) the same fucked up philosophy as she employs herself, to no good effect. now i'm really tired. sister nuts. brother on psych ward. mother worrying, parents struggling, Heather worried about getting high again, financial worries. but every cake needs icing. Chris, Syd's mother, texts me, asking why i think she's so bad at relationships, as i 'know her as well as anyone'. now normally, i would take that as a present for my spirit, where i can unload some well-placed sarcasm bombs at someone who i know will take it. but i can't bring myself to do so today. i tell her what i honestly feel is her problem. then Syd asked would i mind if she moves out at the end of February. i tell her that i already stated i want her to wait until the school year is over. she isn't going to listen though. she only asked because she already decided. so, that's been my last 36 hours. i feel pressurized. i'm tired in my marrow. something will give. i know i am in a better place, because i know of those who are in a much worse place. everything is relative. thank you, Father.
(not my soup, but similar)