when a day is surprisingly humid, and you have things you have to get done, you move carefully. especially if you are miserable trying to sleep the night before and have no desire to die any faster than you have to.
i was without relief for most of the night. my room was a fury of heat, made worse by the break in the humidity of last week. and though i predicted the heatwave was not done with us, i was not prepared. i was miserable, in short. eventually, i had to open my door and position my fan in the cracked doorway to bring cooler air in. at some point after that, i got a savage leg cramp, in my right calf, that destroyed another segment of sleep. a drink of milk eased it up (i still don't know that alchemy, but it does work most of the time) and by that point it was almost time to get up. so my ass was on the ground today. but i got up, prayed, saw Syd off to school, took meds, insulin and i had breakfast. omelet and grits. i decided the grass would be cut. they'd predicted rain tuesday and thursday, and with the burgeoning heat i figured we'd get it today, but it looked like a later in the day thing. so i went to get gas in the car and the can, and i came home, got the house closed up and the air back on and i cut the grass. it took me about an hour and a half, and i took as many breaks as i had to, which were not counted because it was often. because the heat was bearing down on me as i cut the back, and i try to do the worst first so i can have an easier cut to finish. but i got it done, and i was worn out, dehydrated and trembling. i guess it was a good exchange for a morning walk, though it would have been cooler had i just gone walking.
anyway, i laid about, tried to get a grip on when i'd be picking my dad up tomorrow, which was all happening through my mom, and i had lunch, taco salad, and a piece of peanut butter pie. i took a bath after, and i laid down for a bit again. Syd came in from school, got the trash taken out to the curb, and went on her way as she has no school tomorrow. i had talked to Rachel in the morning, but she's using her daughter's phone and i know i won't hear from her this evening. i had leftovers from monday for dinner tonight, chicken and ribs, and cabbage and mac and cheese. i had graham crackers and orange slices for dessert. i'm going to take my last dose of insulin and medicine and then i'm done for the day.
my dad has a ride home tomorrow, so i don't have to worry about him. i am hoping Rachel calls in the morning, as i would like to get her here for a visit. i talked to Lonnie briefly, but he was not available most of the day and i worry about him still. i've not made a decision on how to proceed on the publishing yet, as some prayer is required and the actions must be decisive, well thought out and precise. i feel okay now, have coffee ready to go, am looking forward to counseling and need to get some credit card bills paid and some paperwork filled out and mailed off.
i have been thinking about the artifice of the world now. everything is designed for a desired affect to be produced by what a person sees or hears or experiences physically. the longer i'm alive, the more obvious the programming becomes. i think, what i need to figure out, is how to utilize this to my advantage when it comes to getting my business started. i can't think of anything else that it has a value for. but blindness being a condition people accept and willfully indulge in is frightening. and maybe the scariest part of it is remembering when i was willfully blind, and how easy it was to remain so. ignorance may not be real bliss, but the placebo effect it produces is one hell of a drug. i am grateful for the un-blindness. i am grateful for the stamina to cut my grass. the days are coming where that won't be the case. should tomorrow come, we'll deal with what comes with it.
Thursday, September 8, 2016
Wednesday, September 7, 2016
...stride...
moved in a good way today. i'm happy enough, and i imagine that's what's really important.
i got up, said prayers, and got my ass out of the bed. i got into shorts and a tee shirt and shoes and was out the door after coffee and water, by about 25 to six. i worked out close to an hour, just weights today, and i came home. saw Syd off to school, had breakfast, did some writing, edited some tracks, remembered to take my meds and insulin and got myself moving toward the noon meeting. the meeting was good, Step 2 today (came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity). i was going to go to my mom's house but someone was there i don't deal with so i told her i'd stop by tomorrow. went to Aldi's to get stuff for taco salad, got some eggs (.69 cent a dozen, couldn't pass up) and milk also. went to Mel's Kitchen for lunch, god a sandwich and fries to go. got home just before Syd, gave her the fries to take with her. watched a little tv, tried to nap but it was way too hot in my room to get comfortable (still is), did a bit of writing, played some games on the computer, talked to Lonnie, got my taco stuff done, cut a finger while i was shredding cheese (washed and peroxided it, band-aid) and i ate, washed dishes, worked on Recovering Man some more. i'm on my bed, trying to decide if i want to watch a movie or just laze about. but Jehovah has been good to me today, and i'm very grateful and blessed.
i got up, said prayers, and got my ass out of the bed. i got into shorts and a tee shirt and shoes and was out the door after coffee and water, by about 25 to six. i worked out close to an hour, just weights today, and i came home. saw Syd off to school, had breakfast, did some writing, edited some tracks, remembered to take my meds and insulin and got myself moving toward the noon meeting. the meeting was good, Step 2 today (came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity). i was going to go to my mom's house but someone was there i don't deal with so i told her i'd stop by tomorrow. went to Aldi's to get stuff for taco salad, got some eggs (.69 cent a dozen, couldn't pass up) and milk also. went to Mel's Kitchen for lunch, god a sandwich and fries to go. got home just before Syd, gave her the fries to take with her. watched a little tv, tried to nap but it was way too hot in my room to get comfortable (still is), did a bit of writing, played some games on the computer, talked to Lonnie, got my taco stuff done, cut a finger while i was shredding cheese (washed and peroxided it, band-aid) and i ate, washed dishes, worked on Recovering Man some more. i'm on my bed, trying to decide if i want to watch a movie or just laze about. but Jehovah has been good to me today, and i'm very grateful and blessed.
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
Price Check!
man, what a weird day. it started weird, its going to end weird, and it's hot as a motherfucker again. but that's summer for you.
i got up and said my prayers and went right back to sleep. i was exhausted over the past two days, but i'm sure it was physiological/subconscious rebellion against re-establishing a healthy order in my day to day, like getting to the gym, which i did not do. i had breakfast, Syd was late to school, i paid my primary bills and saw my automatic payments had all come out. i cleaned the kitchen, ran the water to make sure the sink wasn't clogged any longer and i did some writing. i remembered to check my email and, sure enough, the guy from City Printing had emailed me finally with his estimate. essentially, for 50 it would be just over 1,000 dollars, and for 100 it would be about 1700. after my mind settled down, i did the math and came to the conclusion that while those are likely fair-market prices, i may not be able to work with them from the start. each project would have to come under a likely consideration. which means, without a beginning balance of ready capital the price would immediately be shunted to the client. and the markup for retail would put the books into an almost 'unpurchaseable' range, without some major league promotion. so i talked it over with Lonnie and thought about some options. my first option is, no matter what, starting with the pre-sales of Old Lazarus, and figuring what my profit margin would be depending upon how many pre-sales i can get. the next one is to find someone who is more affordable as far as printing, and i've made inquiries through the internet to places in New Castle and Akron and looked at some in Cleveland. i'm also thinking about a Kickstarter or a Go Fund Me type setup, but that's down the line, as i'm not looking for anyone to just give me money, i'm willing to take on investors but that's with the notion that they would be repaid and i would be the sole proprietor of Z-Phyles Publishing. so i have to get serious now. this was the information i was waiting for and having it means it's time to do something with it.
i took my dad to Richfield for a UMADAOP conference. he is getting more forgetful, a bit more unsure of himself, but he is still my dad and a good father. we talked, he expressed sadness over not being able to help me more through his contacts. i told him that i was thankful because much of who i am today is due to his instruction and i like who i am today. i have to figure what i need to say to DeJa. Rachel was right. i can't expect him, as a much younger man, to understand the notion of 'propriety' in checking in or staying in touch. maybe i can't expect that of anyone. but it really is shit or get off the pot. either let him know and give him one chance to respond or just stop talking about it and him. the day is done. i am tired, but it is very hot in my room. i am grateful for awareness, grateful for my senses to register accurately on a human level, and grateful for each breath. thank you, Father, and good night.
i got up and said my prayers and went right back to sleep. i was exhausted over the past two days, but i'm sure it was physiological/subconscious rebellion against re-establishing a healthy order in my day to day, like getting to the gym, which i did not do. i had breakfast, Syd was late to school, i paid my primary bills and saw my automatic payments had all come out. i cleaned the kitchen, ran the water to make sure the sink wasn't clogged any longer and i did some writing. i remembered to check my email and, sure enough, the guy from City Printing had emailed me finally with his estimate. essentially, for 50 it would be just over 1,000 dollars, and for 100 it would be about 1700. after my mind settled down, i did the math and came to the conclusion that while those are likely fair-market prices, i may not be able to work with them from the start. each project would have to come under a likely consideration. which means, without a beginning balance of ready capital the price would immediately be shunted to the client. and the markup for retail would put the books into an almost 'unpurchaseable' range, without some major league promotion. so i talked it over with Lonnie and thought about some options. my first option is, no matter what, starting with the pre-sales of Old Lazarus, and figuring what my profit margin would be depending upon how many pre-sales i can get. the next one is to find someone who is more affordable as far as printing, and i've made inquiries through the internet to places in New Castle and Akron and looked at some in Cleveland. i'm also thinking about a Kickstarter or a Go Fund Me type setup, but that's down the line, as i'm not looking for anyone to just give me money, i'm willing to take on investors but that's with the notion that they would be repaid and i would be the sole proprietor of Z-Phyles Publishing. so i have to get serious now. this was the information i was waiting for and having it means it's time to do something with it.
i took my dad to Richfield for a UMADAOP conference. he is getting more forgetful, a bit more unsure of himself, but he is still my dad and a good father. we talked, he expressed sadness over not being able to help me more through his contacts. i told him that i was thankful because much of who i am today is due to his instruction and i like who i am today. i have to figure what i need to say to DeJa. Rachel was right. i can't expect him, as a much younger man, to understand the notion of 'propriety' in checking in or staying in touch. maybe i can't expect that of anyone. but it really is shit or get off the pot. either let him know and give him one chance to respond or just stop talking about it and him. the day is done. i am tired, but it is very hot in my room. i am grateful for awareness, grateful for my senses to register accurately on a human level, and grateful for each breath. thank you, Father, and good night.
Monday, September 5, 2016
back to life
i'm weary, and feeling as if i might nod off at any point. nonetheless, i want to get this down, because the discipline has been really MIA once again and it's time to get my shit together. i can't keep doing this roller coaster ride of 'good balance/no balance', but it seems those are my favorite dance steps. oh well...
i was tired all day, i slept after i took my bath and journaled last night, but it was a varied-level sleep and i woke up sluggish and dragging. i said prayers and got breakfast and took meds and insulin and got back on my cooking. i finished up everything just before 11, informed everyone that we'd be eating about 2 and took a quick shower to rinse off the smoke. i went to pick up Rachel @ 1 and Syd and Joe were about ten minutes behind us. my brother came around two, and he did the prayer and we ate. my brother left first, and then Syd and Joe left. Rachel and i watched a couple of movies, ate some dessert and i took her home. we ended on a slightly sour note, likely just be being tired, but i had and have no problem with anything i'm recollecting at this moment. sent both my brother and Rachel home with food. i am going to the gym tomorrow. i'm going to try to get the grass cut tomorrow. i'm going to take my dad to Akron tomorrow. i've got bills to get paid tomorrow. and i'm going to talk to Harry tomorrow. now i'm done, no insights, just thankful to Jehovah for a peaceful day. good night.
i was tired all day, i slept after i took my bath and journaled last night, but it was a varied-level sleep and i woke up sluggish and dragging. i said prayers and got breakfast and took meds and insulin and got back on my cooking. i finished up everything just before 11, informed everyone that we'd be eating about 2 and took a quick shower to rinse off the smoke. i went to pick up Rachel @ 1 and Syd and Joe were about ten minutes behind us. my brother came around two, and he did the prayer and we ate. my brother left first, and then Syd and Joe left. Rachel and i watched a couple of movies, ate some dessert and i took her home. we ended on a slightly sour note, likely just be being tired, but i had and have no problem with anything i'm recollecting at this moment. sent both my brother and Rachel home with food. i am going to the gym tomorrow. i'm going to try to get the grass cut tomorrow. i'm going to take my dad to Akron tomorrow. i've got bills to get paid tomorrow. and i'm going to talk to Harry tomorrow. now i'm done, no insights, just thankful to Jehovah for a peaceful day. good night.
Sunday, September 4, 2016
preparation
this has been a good day, and i am grateful for that. it was a needed day, without incident, without alarm.
i got up slow, said my prayers and got it started again. i had already decided i wasn't going to the meeting and i did not. i had breakfast, took my meds and things and got started on my prep work for tomorrow. i got macaroni cooked, got eggs boiled and potatoes boiled, put together my potato salad and got started on my green beans. i had gone to the post office, because i had a letter to mail, but i had forgotten once again that you can no longer buy a single stamp from a dispenser at the post office on a weekend. more on the letter later.
i saw my brother, went to visit my parents, sat with them both and talked for a while, and came home to get back to prep. i'd started green beans but turned them off to go see my parents. Rachel's phone was off, and i hadn't really figured on speaking to her until later but she called from her daughter's phone while i was visiting my parents. i told her i was going to stop by when i left my parents and she asked if i could come about an hour later than i'd said, which was fine. i went home, turned on the green beans again and she called and said i could come then if i wanted to. so i turned them off again and went to pick her up. i took the keyboard i'd just gotten for her youngest daughter as it is not what i need it to be and i'd rather someone have it who can use and benefit from it.
i picked up Rachel and we hung out. she helped me with the peanut butter pies and she made the crumble topping for the apple pies. we had LJS for dinner as i hadn't been expecting company and didn't have anything to cook for her ready. then we watched a movie, played with her virtual reality viewer for her phone and i took her home. i just got back in, have run my bath, checked the mac and cheese in the crock pot (7 cheeses, damn...) and am ready to shut down. i've cleaned the grill, i've got a clog in my kitchen sink i'm going to deal with in the morning. i am going to get up early, get my cabbage done, get my grill heated and cook my ribs and chicken and make my sauce before i go pick up Rachel at one and we eat at three. it should be a good time, relaxing and cool. i don't know if Lonnie and company will come by, but they do know they are welcome.
the letter... again, the title has a lot to do with more than the initial recitation. I went to see Heather yesterday. i had prayed, i'd let it run through my mind and i followed through on my decision. i'd never written her back to confirm it as she had said she hoped to see me saturday and gave me a time and i'd assumed i was on her list. i was not. i got there about a quarter to three, told the guard who i was there to see and what my name was and he didn't have me so i turned around and came back home and got back to work. i decided i would write her a letter since i hadn't gotten to see her. i told her that i forgive her and that she was off the hook as far as i was concerned. i also told her that i didn't really feel she was my friend. i explained that i didn't trust her to have my best interest at heart, as she didn't even have her own best interest at heart. i told her i could try to help her with recovery, if that is what she wanted and if she was doing the meetings that they have at the city jail. but that was all i was able to do. i was clear, i didn't speak of friendship or love. and i told her i'd come again this saturday and if i couldn't get in i would assume she didn't want me to see her. it is all i can do. i feel it was the answer to a prayer. if i was supposed to see her, i would have been on the list to do so. i wrote her because she wrote me. i am not a cure, nor am i the solution, but i have experience that may help her if she wants to recover. it is what the 12th step is about. i am grateful for the day, grateful for its contents and i am going to take my bath and shave and get ready to crash. got a few things to finish yet.
i got up slow, said my prayers and got it started again. i had already decided i wasn't going to the meeting and i did not. i had breakfast, took my meds and things and got started on my prep work for tomorrow. i got macaroni cooked, got eggs boiled and potatoes boiled, put together my potato salad and got started on my green beans. i had gone to the post office, because i had a letter to mail, but i had forgotten once again that you can no longer buy a single stamp from a dispenser at the post office on a weekend. more on the letter later.
i saw my brother, went to visit my parents, sat with them both and talked for a while, and came home to get back to prep. i'd started green beans but turned them off to go see my parents. Rachel's phone was off, and i hadn't really figured on speaking to her until later but she called from her daughter's phone while i was visiting my parents. i told her i was going to stop by when i left my parents and she asked if i could come about an hour later than i'd said, which was fine. i went home, turned on the green beans again and she called and said i could come then if i wanted to. so i turned them off again and went to pick her up. i took the keyboard i'd just gotten for her youngest daughter as it is not what i need it to be and i'd rather someone have it who can use and benefit from it.
i picked up Rachel and we hung out. she helped me with the peanut butter pies and she made the crumble topping for the apple pies. we had LJS for dinner as i hadn't been expecting company and didn't have anything to cook for her ready. then we watched a movie, played with her virtual reality viewer for her phone and i took her home. i just got back in, have run my bath, checked the mac and cheese in the crock pot (7 cheeses, damn...) and am ready to shut down. i've cleaned the grill, i've got a clog in my kitchen sink i'm going to deal with in the morning. i am going to get up early, get my cabbage done, get my grill heated and cook my ribs and chicken and make my sauce before i go pick up Rachel at one and we eat at three. it should be a good time, relaxing and cool. i don't know if Lonnie and company will come by, but they do know they are welcome.
the letter... again, the title has a lot to do with more than the initial recitation. I went to see Heather yesterday. i had prayed, i'd let it run through my mind and i followed through on my decision. i'd never written her back to confirm it as she had said she hoped to see me saturday and gave me a time and i'd assumed i was on her list. i was not. i got there about a quarter to three, told the guard who i was there to see and what my name was and he didn't have me so i turned around and came back home and got back to work. i decided i would write her a letter since i hadn't gotten to see her. i told her that i forgive her and that she was off the hook as far as i was concerned. i also told her that i didn't really feel she was my friend. i explained that i didn't trust her to have my best interest at heart, as she didn't even have her own best interest at heart. i told her i could try to help her with recovery, if that is what she wanted and if she was doing the meetings that they have at the city jail. but that was all i was able to do. i was clear, i didn't speak of friendship or love. and i told her i'd come again this saturday and if i couldn't get in i would assume she didn't want me to see her. it is all i can do. i feel it was the answer to a prayer. if i was supposed to see her, i would have been on the list to do so. i wrote her because she wrote me. i am not a cure, nor am i the solution, but i have experience that may help her if she wants to recover. it is what the 12th step is about. i am grateful for the day, grateful for its contents and i am going to take my bath and shave and get ready to crash. got a few things to finish yet.
Saturday, September 3, 2016
yesterday's history...
...and tomorrow's a mystery, they used to say in the Program. i like it because it's sort of a nice way to recap. i'm not sure how i lost the day, but lost it was and now i have to account for it and today, before i go downtown to visit Heather in county lockup.
yesterday started well enough. i got up, took the day off because i'd been sick for a week and figured just start your thing back on monday with a good walk before you get down to the grilling. i had breakfast, wrote in The Last Recovering Man a bit, went to counseling and had a good session. then it was all about business until around noon. but it was strange, maybe due to the week of the flu.\
i went to the bank to take out the money for my apartment rent as well as for the wednesday meeting rent. having had to borrow from it, i had already planned to simply pay it from my funds and balance our books accordingly. i contacted my landlord who now has me bring the rent to his home, as he and his father, my previous (though not first) landlord aren't getting along right now. he told me he was in Akron, and that his wife would give me a rent receipt. i am never a fan of leaving someone's money with a 3rd party, but i have a receipt. before that, however, he told me that his wife was having trouble with the children and that i could just leave the rent in the mailbox and the receipt would be there. same unease, but same consolation for me. i did so, and i realized once i'd looked at the receipt that i'd withdrawn my OLD rent amount, from my FIRST landlord, and that was 15 short of what i owed. however, this was in Girard, and i was extremely uncomfortable with the notion of going back on that porch, opening the mailbox, going into an envelope of money and fiddling with it to get it right in a rabidly white community. so i texted him instead and told him of the shortfall, took responsibility for it and told him i'd compensate the balance when i finished my runs, which ended up amended to paying the rest today. he was okay with it, and i got on with my day. i went to Ollie's, Big Lots and Family Dollar to secure my supplies for the household. i went to my parent's house to wash a load of clothes and to visit as i'd not been by since i got sick. when i got there my niece, my sister's daughter, was crashed out on the couch. my mother said their water was turned off so she'd been staying there since she worked at WalMart and could get washed before she went to work. i revised a notion of merging my monday plans with whatever they were doing at that point. my sister and her children annoy me. and i don't feel like putting myself in a position where i have to endure being annoyed in order to accommodate people this weekend.
while i was at my parent's Rachel contacted me and said she'd like to go to lunch. she said later she hadn't gotten my text cancelling lunch, but it was okay as that was more a letting her off the hook thing than not wanting to go to lunch with her. we went to Papa's in Campbell and had strange food that wasn't as satisfying as we'd have liked, but the company was good and the wings were above great as always from Papa's. we went to a yard sale in Campbell and i got her a leather jacket someone was selling for a dollar, with a belt and one belt loop missing and a bit of wear. i also got her a teddy bear which i promptly named Murph. she seemed happy enough with them. i dropped her off, she kissed my cheek as i may still be contagious, and i came home.
i rested, cleaned my kitchen, meditated on my dinner for monday and worked on my song. i got to bed early enough. my meds had come in and i got them sorted and put into my bag. it was a good day, with a good ending and only lunch to spoil the feng shui of it all.
today i got up and said prayers, went in the kitchen, made coffee and put sausages in the oven. my brother came by and i talked with him for a bit. after he left i made eggs and toast to go with my breakfast and made out my list for the store, to get stuff for Monday. i went to Aldi's, Sav-a-Lot and Giant Eagle, and didn't spend as much as i thought I might and got everything i wanted. i've decided i'm not going to my meeting tomorrow, i've prepped chicken for the grill and apples for pie. i'm going to put ribs in a dry rub and in a bag to marinate until monday's grilling. i have potatoes to peel, probably make potato salad tomorrow. i'm going to chop cabbage and bag it as well as the aromatics to go with it so all that stuff is ready to go. it won't be a lot of people or an abundance of food, but it's going to be a good eating day.
now it's 2:04. visiting for Heather is at 3. i am not nervous, i'm just trying not to be angry. i can do nothing for her, but whatever Jehovah would have me do is what I do. it's sort of a culmination of what has been going on in my life lately. there are seasons for everything. the day i got Heather's letter is the day that I 'spoke' to Tracy on Facebook. her withdrawal so she wasn't dependent upon me. her statement of 'i still love you with all my heart', and my lack of a reply anywhere near that level. i have committed myself to having Rachel in my life, and for better or worse, i'm going to honor that without a safety net. its new, and its scary, but i realize i don't want to keep doing the perhaps bullshit. if it doesn't work out, there's a stranger out there somewhere who holds my heart. it's not behind me, i know that much. i have an obligation to Heather as a recovering addict has to anyone seeking recovery. and if she's not seeking recovery, then there's not really all that much more i can say. but i'm going to get my prayers in place and get ready to do this. i'll write about it tomorrow. thank you, Father, for the strength to recover and love.
yesterday started well enough. i got up, took the day off because i'd been sick for a week and figured just start your thing back on monday with a good walk before you get down to the grilling. i had breakfast, wrote in The Last Recovering Man a bit, went to counseling and had a good session. then it was all about business until around noon. but it was strange, maybe due to the week of the flu.\
i went to the bank to take out the money for my apartment rent as well as for the wednesday meeting rent. having had to borrow from it, i had already planned to simply pay it from my funds and balance our books accordingly. i contacted my landlord who now has me bring the rent to his home, as he and his father, my previous (though not first) landlord aren't getting along right now. he told me he was in Akron, and that his wife would give me a rent receipt. i am never a fan of leaving someone's money with a 3rd party, but i have a receipt. before that, however, he told me that his wife was having trouble with the children and that i could just leave the rent in the mailbox and the receipt would be there. same unease, but same consolation for me. i did so, and i realized once i'd looked at the receipt that i'd withdrawn my OLD rent amount, from my FIRST landlord, and that was 15 short of what i owed. however, this was in Girard, and i was extremely uncomfortable with the notion of going back on that porch, opening the mailbox, going into an envelope of money and fiddling with it to get it right in a rabidly white community. so i texted him instead and told him of the shortfall, took responsibility for it and told him i'd compensate the balance when i finished my runs, which ended up amended to paying the rest today. he was okay with it, and i got on with my day. i went to Ollie's, Big Lots and Family Dollar to secure my supplies for the household. i went to my parent's house to wash a load of clothes and to visit as i'd not been by since i got sick. when i got there my niece, my sister's daughter, was crashed out on the couch. my mother said their water was turned off so she'd been staying there since she worked at WalMart and could get washed before she went to work. i revised a notion of merging my monday plans with whatever they were doing at that point. my sister and her children annoy me. and i don't feel like putting myself in a position where i have to endure being annoyed in order to accommodate people this weekend.
while i was at my parent's Rachel contacted me and said she'd like to go to lunch. she said later she hadn't gotten my text cancelling lunch, but it was okay as that was more a letting her off the hook thing than not wanting to go to lunch with her. we went to Papa's in Campbell and had strange food that wasn't as satisfying as we'd have liked, but the company was good and the wings were above great as always from Papa's. we went to a yard sale in Campbell and i got her a leather jacket someone was selling for a dollar, with a belt and one belt loop missing and a bit of wear. i also got her a teddy bear which i promptly named Murph. she seemed happy enough with them. i dropped her off, she kissed my cheek as i may still be contagious, and i came home.
i rested, cleaned my kitchen, meditated on my dinner for monday and worked on my song. i got to bed early enough. my meds had come in and i got them sorted and put into my bag. it was a good day, with a good ending and only lunch to spoil the feng shui of it all.
today i got up and said prayers, went in the kitchen, made coffee and put sausages in the oven. my brother came by and i talked with him for a bit. after he left i made eggs and toast to go with my breakfast and made out my list for the store, to get stuff for Monday. i went to Aldi's, Sav-a-Lot and Giant Eagle, and didn't spend as much as i thought I might and got everything i wanted. i've decided i'm not going to my meeting tomorrow, i've prepped chicken for the grill and apples for pie. i'm going to put ribs in a dry rub and in a bag to marinate until monday's grilling. i have potatoes to peel, probably make potato salad tomorrow. i'm going to chop cabbage and bag it as well as the aromatics to go with it so all that stuff is ready to go. it won't be a lot of people or an abundance of food, but it's going to be a good eating day.
now it's 2:04. visiting for Heather is at 3. i am not nervous, i'm just trying not to be angry. i can do nothing for her, but whatever Jehovah would have me do is what I do. it's sort of a culmination of what has been going on in my life lately. there are seasons for everything. the day i got Heather's letter is the day that I 'spoke' to Tracy on Facebook. her withdrawal so she wasn't dependent upon me. her statement of 'i still love you with all my heart', and my lack of a reply anywhere near that level. i have committed myself to having Rachel in my life, and for better or worse, i'm going to honor that without a safety net. its new, and its scary, but i realize i don't want to keep doing the perhaps bullshit. if it doesn't work out, there's a stranger out there somewhere who holds my heart. it's not behind me, i know that much. i have an obligation to Heather as a recovering addict has to anyone seeking recovery. and if she's not seeking recovery, then there's not really all that much more i can say. but i'm going to get my prayers in place and get ready to do this. i'll write about it tomorrow. thank you, Father, for the strength to recover and love.
Thursday, September 1, 2016
slow convalescence
well, so as not to miss any more days, i'm doing this very early. doing quite a few things very early today, guess it's how it needs to go. i'll live,
anyway. i got up today, feeling some better. the cough was bringing up some stuff, which is always a good sign. i got rolling, with a 630 call from Lonnie and Syd telling me she couldn't go to school because she couldn't reach Jo and he was washing her school shirts. so she went to school and i got off the phone with Lonnie and i went into the living room to put on coffee because I hadn't got a pot ready to go the night before. while i was waiting for it, i said my prayer because i came out of my sleep to activity and had forgotten to hit my knees. then i took my meds, had insulin and breakfast, ham and cheese and onion and pepper omelet. i did nothing, as planned. my dad called, but i didn't answer and tried to call him to let him know whatever it was i'd get it tomorrow, but i couldn't reach him. calls kept coming, strangely. one guy that i'd helped with Steps but i called him back and told him i'd catch him tomorrow and asked him if he was still sober. i laid in bed, i nodded in and out and tried to figure if i was going to do the Labor Day thing. or AM going to do, actually, haven't decided yet.
i ordered from pizza hut for lunch, sad to find out that getting the same thing from pizza hut singularly or from Papa's and Uptown consecutively was a mistake, quality-wise more than pricewise, but still. i have worked on nothing, watched a lot of television, did some writing on 'the last recovering man', am thinking of a poem that i need to write for someone at the gym and on going to the gym tomorrow. i feel better. my head is still thick but it's not quite as thick as it had been. so, i'm going to rest, see what the morning brings, do counseling at least, and i'll know what i'm going to do for monday by the time i get out of counseling. bills and rent to pay, supplies to get, gonna be a busy, money-leaking day.
anyway. i got up today, feeling some better. the cough was bringing up some stuff, which is always a good sign. i got rolling, with a 630 call from Lonnie and Syd telling me she couldn't go to school because she couldn't reach Jo and he was washing her school shirts. so she went to school and i got off the phone with Lonnie and i went into the living room to put on coffee because I hadn't got a pot ready to go the night before. while i was waiting for it, i said my prayer because i came out of my sleep to activity and had forgotten to hit my knees. then i took my meds, had insulin and breakfast, ham and cheese and onion and pepper omelet. i did nothing, as planned. my dad called, but i didn't answer and tried to call him to let him know whatever it was i'd get it tomorrow, but i couldn't reach him. calls kept coming, strangely. one guy that i'd helped with Steps but i called him back and told him i'd catch him tomorrow and asked him if he was still sober. i laid in bed, i nodded in and out and tried to figure if i was going to do the Labor Day thing. or AM going to do, actually, haven't decided yet.
i ordered from pizza hut for lunch, sad to find out that getting the same thing from pizza hut singularly or from Papa's and Uptown consecutively was a mistake, quality-wise more than pricewise, but still. i have worked on nothing, watched a lot of television, did some writing on 'the last recovering man', am thinking of a poem that i need to write for someone at the gym and on going to the gym tomorrow. i feel better. my head is still thick but it's not quite as thick as it had been. so, i'm going to rest, see what the morning brings, do counseling at least, and i'll know what i'm going to do for monday by the time i get out of counseling. bills and rent to pay, supplies to get, gonna be a busy, money-leaking day.
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