oy...

well, i have survived day one.  and 'survived' is not an exaggeration.

prayed and chilled, since i got up waaay too early.  wanted to hit the gym, but my back has been in agony since saturday and is showing little sign of abating.  so i took trash to the dumpster, got a printout to the JCC center for ML to finish my re-app, and i came back home.  had coffee, sugar was good waking so i took insulin and meds and had breakfast.  i left early enough to find the trumbull county metropolitan housing, and i got to class early as well.  then there came the first day of the training.

first, its not so much job training as certification training.  so there's no pay.  the starting time is 8 but it ends at 430, not 5 because they close at 430 and we have to get in 40 hours this week.  i participated, as sleepy and irritable as i was.  most of the information i knew but a lot of it showed me where many of the weaknesses the recovery programs have been adapting have come from.  this is not so much a recovery movement as an endorsement of a person's right not to have to follow tried and true directions, as well as an undermining of the 12 Traditions.  but i just have to learn to drive the damn car.  10 and 2, 10 and 2.

by the end, sitting was rough, standing was rough, driving was rough.  had to stop at kmart for printer ink.  that was rough.  finally got home, after i stopped at kfc for something disgusting that i didn't want.  but i didn't have the energy to stand and cook anything.  so i'm kind of ruling the gym out until this is done, or until i can get my back to stop screaming at me.

it's hot, in my room.  i soaked in a hot tub of epsom and i took 3 tylenol and i'm feeling a bit better.  had a gout flare trying to start.  drank some black cherry concentrate, i'll take my meds in the morning.  getting old sucks ass.  but i'm grateful.  i know what i know, i'll learn what i don't and i have a great deal of practice in tolerating people whom i found irksome.  it's not the best attitude, but it lets me keep my hands at 10 and 2, and that's what i'm striving for right now.  thank you, Jehovah, for endurance and ears that work.

beginning (before)

i'm about to go to sleep, as i have things to do tomorrow.  i had a good day, a little busy, a little constructive, a little neglectful, but mostly in preparation for the coming day and the coming week.
i start training for certification to obtain the peer support position (recovery coach) at Neil Kennedy.  it's one of those things that grates against my sensibilities, but i am trying to see it as something that can be beneficial down the line.  reading through the material, it's apparent that the lunatics are in the halls.  but that's life in the new millennium.  so i can either learn the new ways so that my ability to be of service can be brought up to speed, or i continue being ineffective in an insane world and just hope that one day the pieces come together magically.  not much chance of that.

i went to the meeting but not the Hall.  i had to get stuff to prepare so Syd would have things here in the course of the week.  i got the meeting rent to Lester to pay at the clinic.  i started reading the course material, and its as bizarre as i'd believed it would be.  but it's a change of pace, it will put me in a position to do something different in my life and who knows where it could lead to?

so, one day at a time.  get up, say my prayers, get to the gym.  come home, have coffee, take blood reading, take insulin and meds, eat something and get ready to skedaddle to this training.  there from 8 to 5, lord.

Thank you, Father, for the opportunity, and please help me be grateful and open minded.

seems to be a sleepy kind of day.  i woke up and said my prayer but it took two tries to get it from my heart.  just sleepy to the point of being unfocused.  i gathered trash, had coffee and water and decided to go to the gym anyway.  it's nice there when there are people who seem actually glad to see me.  it makes a difference.  threw the trash out before i hit the gym, came home to see Syd off to school and checked my sugar.  higher than yesterday, got to have more discipline in my eating.  took insulin and meds, and am waiting to see about funeral stuff at an appointment i have today.  its moving along rather well, though i'm in bed and pretty sleepy.  i want to take a bath but i'm sure i'll be asleep soon after so i'm holding off on that.

(this one was from thursday, if i'm not mistaken.  i didn't finish it, but it was in draft form and so i published it so it would be recorded.  sorry about the slipping.)

...just a bit of turbulence...

i stopped today, and that was a good and a not good thing.  I stopped because i got some disappointment yesterday.  I didn't get the Kindle Scout publishing contract for Mechanical Jesus.  I did not get my hopes up, but hope is hope.  as a friend aptly put it, 'all hope has weight attached'.  that is the gospel truth.
i found out through an email, after a week of what was supposed to be deliberation on their part.  immediately i felt a coldness creeping on me.  I know it was disappointment, but was it toward myself or the event?  that's important to know.  because i did nothing wrong.  i see weaknesses in my foundation, but the foundation is holding.  the weaknesses are those i allowed to come in over time.  the isolation, the disgust with the world, the seclusion, losing touch with so many who could have brought in so many more votes.  there is sacrifice in campaigning.  i have to analyze for the next attempt.  and that is one indication that it is not a disappointment in myself.  there WILL be another attempt.  The Book Of Old Lazarus will be done next month and it is going up for consideration as well.
the event itself?  well, i can see, i have eyes.  four hundred plus people contacted Amazon, gave them a once over.  probably bought some shit while they were there.  emails go out to those four hundred people that say 'you will be notified if this book is made available'.  Amazon will get their pound of flesh.  it's loaded, and it's janky, but it is not unfair.  i knew all this going in.  it's a chance.  the door hasn't closed.  i've lost nothing but time, and there's only so much of that anyway.  so, i am feeling better.  i stayed in today.  i felt like not being bothered, but by God's grace, i didn't get my way.  my brother and his friend stopped by so i could get her laptop running.  brand new laptop, just plug it in, boot it up, fill in the blanks and there you go.  but my brother was checking on me.  my friend Bob stopped by, brought me a plate, worrying about me.  we talked for a long time.  i ate my dinner, which i cooked, and i have a plate for tomorrow, should i be so inclined.  i am again grateful, i am humbled.  there are always lessons if you are always a student.

I start training on monday for the recovery coach position.  i am sort of looking forward to it.  especially in light of the book not being picked up.  it's going to be a week long, 8am to 5pm, and i'm not sure if it's a paid training gig or not.  i have paperwork to go over, quizzes to fill out.  that's going to be a tomorrow thing.  i will give it my all, as i believe in doing now, when i give my word i keep my word.  but i am still dubious.  all this, just to secure funding that you had access to all along anyway.  we humans are kind of dumb.

i didn't text R today.  i didn't want to check up on her.  I did text TF, and she says she's still not doing well.  i don't expect her to be, but i'm not putting my hand any further out than it is.  i figure, if she needs me she knows where i am.  if she doesn't want to need me she has a right not to.

i don't know exactly how i'm feeling.  Syd's doing better in school.  my uncle Tommy, stricken with the same ailment that Muhammad Ali has, in now unable to walk by himself.  i have decisions to make about my end of life stuff.  a friend is about to get into a horrible marriage and i am not going to say anything because she's not going to listen to me.  the world continues on, and nothing changes.  but i've changed.  therefore, something changed, and therefore some things change.  too metaphorical.  i went to bed early yesterday, i woke way too early today and i am tired now.  so i guess i'm going to bed.  thank you, Jehovah, for the lessons, the opportunity, and the next time.

into a new light

a day of good vibes, i'd have to call this.  i got done the things i needed to get done, and i'm pretty well served and happy about that.  i started with prayer and meds and insulin as usual but i didn't go to the gym.  once syd was on her way i had breakfast and then started working on moving my couches out to the curb.  i was offered the couches from my back neighbor's unit as he moved, and i accepted them gratefully.  they're not new and they have wear, but they're in better shape than my old ones and they match.  so i slowly moved things so i could get the old ones out and i moved them outside.  my brother helped me, with his truck, to get the sofa bed to the curb but the plain couch i carried.  then i got dressed, got a money order for my rent and took donuts to my meeting.  it was a pretty good meeting.  i ended up chairing, which was fine, and we found a chairperson for the rest of the month, which was better.  i came home, got the couches moved into my apartment, and waited for my cousin so we could go get some dinner.  we had mexican, and we talked and it was nice to spend time with her.  she's still grieving her mom's passing, and it's just nice to make sure she's functioning if nothing more.

TF came to pick up her soup this morning, forgot that.  and i got notice yesterday by email that training for the recovery coach position starts on monday, Feb. 8th, so i start that, and that's kind of exciting.  i am not lost in the nuances of the thing; it is still a made-up position that allows someone to feel important when all that is required is sponsors to do their jobs and this wouldn't even be an option.  but it's an opportunity, and i'm not going to look that horse in the mouth.  i'm just going to ride it out.  i have to go to the facility VF told me about to get some info about their funeral arrangements.  if they also don't have the option for a green burial i'm going to just start calling some of the local places and compare prices on cremation.  i just want to have it in place so Syd and Deja don't have to worry about me.

all in all, productive and a good start to the month.  tomorrow, bills, writing, and keeping up the R texts.  no other return texts from her, but at least i know she is getting them.  life is strange.  thank you, Jehovah.

Better Day

i kind of enjoyed today.  i can't say it was perfect, but i can say i did better with the things i needed to do than i have previously.  that matters a lot when you're doing course correction.
i got up and prayed and went to the gym.  i did weights and did some time on the elliptical, then i came home.  i had breakfast after i took my meds.  i dozed in and out until it was time to go do my membership renewal.  i got that done, went to the store to get stuff for dinner.  made sloppy joes for syd and her friend, and i got stuff for a chicken stir fry for myself.  i had a two egg omelet with broccoli and cauliflower and cheese and a piece of toast for breakfast and i had soup and a salad and the last salmon patty for lunch.  i went to the Lane funeral home and met with the lady who's in charge of funeral planning.  i didn't get much information that was helpful as to green burial but i did get a good notion of cremation, and it would be budgetable.  i made my way home, sat down talking to Lonnie about some other funeral information he was finding online.  i got a text from TF asking if i would make soup for her as she's not been eating.  go figure.  i said sure, and i went over to get the funds to get the soup stuff.  i got back, worked on her soup and my dinner and got the soup ready.  i'm waiting now for her to come and pick it up.

there is a very heavy vibe to going through the beginnings of planning for your dying.  i am pretty much able to maintain my objectivity, but only by slipping into the gloves of one of the persons i've used inside me to cope in certain situations.  i was humorous, and i joked, but i was really feeling kind of sad, thinking about being at the point in my life of no longer being on earth.  i thought about what i would have to leave my children, about why i'm really trying to sell these damn books, so that i will have something of value that Syd and Deja can hold on to from me.  but really, it doesn't matter.  i'll be dead, either ashes or wormfood, and Syd and Deja will hopefully be behind me in that process.  so what is it, really?  all the expense, all the legalities.  if you don't do it by the book or by the law, you're still dead.  funny.  humans charge for things they have no control over.  charge for clean water, and arrest you for collecting rain water.  we're a sick species, to be sure.

tomorrow i've a meeting, and i'm going to take my cousin to lunch.  i have rent and bills to pay.  i have couches to put on the curb and couches to bring from the back apartment to my own.  it's going to be a busy day.  no gym.  i think hauling heavy furniture will be workout enough.  i hope R is doing okay today.  thank you, God, for all the blessings and the serenity.

just a day

sometimes it really is easier said than done.  and when that's the case, you still have to do it, best to quit talking about it and just do it.  then it may be easier said, but you're not talking about it.  and it might be harder to do, but you're doing it, and that's what matters.

i've not lost any weight in months.  i've not gained any.  i'm balanced at the weight i was last at.  i'm sure that means that i'm fucking up.  i don't like admitting that, but this isn't an orbit of lies and convenient sleight of hand.  i have to get back on my food plan, my food fiend is out of hand right now.  that's the last talk on that particular subject.

i got up and prayed and went to the gym.  i walked half a mile and did some weights.  i was feeling pretty out of sorts.  Syd's not doing well in math, and we had it out.  i'm not going to fight with her about her future.  maybe i should, maybe that's what makes a good dad.  but there is a saying that says, 'a man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still'.  i know that applies to Syd because i know it applies to me.  she will have to learn.  but the extracurriculars are out.

i went to my doctor's appointment, obviously, since i know my weight is still what it was.  i like the new office and the new doctor.  she's profane and white trash, and she's smart as hell.  nothing not to like.  i went to my parent's house and i printed off the papers to take in to get my gym membership renewed.  i am wearied of so many things, but so what?  my doctor asked me about my depression due to the screening questions i answered.  i told her i deal with it by living.  that is a truth that i need to remember more often.

i came home and had lunch, and i got salmon ready for croquettes for dinner.  i began working on proofing the first half of Lazarus and my dad came over to talk for a bit.  i cooked dinner, thought about some things, talked to Lonnie and my son, and i'm in bed.

i am under stress.  it's mostly a waiting for shoes to drop kind of shit.  but that's not really it.  i am beset all around me.  i am dealing with this alone socially, not in reality. my mind is not always on board with what my spirit tells me must be done.  inner conflict.  i'm sick of it.  so i'm working on it, doing something about it.  but the main things are, pray more, eat less, exercise more and with more variety.  that's the deal.  and keep looking inside, see what toti is showing me, see what God is showing me.  what choice do i have?

i'm going to sleep soon.  i'm glad i got through this day, Jehovah, and i thank you for that gift.