altitude and attitude

it's the end of the weekend, sunday night.  i'm eating strawberry jello and drinking ice water while i put this together carefully.  it was a day of average temperament.  it wasn't great, but it wasn't bad.  it had its moments in each of those extremes but in equal measure.  i can't complain about a day that gives you a nice up and down.
started slow enough.  talked to my friend Tina and therefore had to come back to my prayer, but getting up in a clean bedroom to a clean living room was everything i needed it to be.  had an extra egg for breakfast, and one piece of toast.  it was cold and the first sip of coffee was like a prayer being answered.  from there, not much detail until the meeting.
i had to get myself together and get moving early.  no kingdom hall today, but i had to go to the store to find something to cook for the potluck.  settled on turkey kielbassa with cali blend veggies and onions and peppers.  cooked it right at the sober club after i set up the meeting.
the people started coming and no one brought anything to the potluck except Bob.  it started to feel like a return to the bullshit period.  one young dude came in and immediately asked 'is this food free?'  not, 'hello, my name is _____', not "hey, you all need a hand setting up?'  just, is the food free.  so i fussed at him.  fussed at him, fussed at a few other people too.  then i felt bad, because the idea of the potluck has never really been about accumulating food, but about accumulating family.  and i let them know that, but i didn't tell them not to bring something next pot luck.
before i left for the meeting i ordered Syd's phone and phone case.  felt good about that.
when i got back home my brother met me here and i gave him the rest of the pizza from the potluck as well as the rest of the kielbassa and veggies.  we talked for a bit and then Syd came in.  i wrote for a little while and then i started working on getting dinner together.  made salmon, mac and cheese and more cali blend veggies.  everything was good.  then the altitude changed again.
Syd, riding with her friend, was in a fender-bender yesterday evening.  apparently not damaged, as she wanted to continue on her way to whatever her plans were.  but this evening, pains and aches and getting worse and so i took her to the emergency room.  i was angry, not because of having to go to the e.r., but because there is some modicum of common sense that should be natural at sixteen.  going to the e.r. AFTER the accident is one of them, especially if you have any pains whatsoever.  but, kids are actually fairly not-smart anymore.  and so the usual emergency room shuffle commenced.  blood, urine, scans, ibuprofin prescription and home.  follow up with family doctor.  i was mad also because, most of the day, i've had a headache.  it's a cold/flu that's been laying in ambush for me.  i'm pretty sure it's got me now, but we'll see tomorrow.  the nurse who sat in the cold closet of a scan-waiting room didn't help the matter much, as she was sniffling and coughing as well.  so, i'm about to jump in my bed, under my comforter, and put on some relaxing music, and i'm going to take some nighttime cold medicine, and hope that i can push this damn cold back a hair.  i have to go out to warren to pick up Syd tomorrow as she's going to be doing after school studies to improve on her math.  i have to pay the rest of her student fee tomorrow.  have to go to the grocery store.
these are the times when i wish like hell i had someone in my life full time.  if only because it makes the load half as heavy unless they're trying to do four times as much.  but still, it's nothing i can't handle.  and if the sick comes down on me, i'm just going to have to ask for some help, because that's what life really is all about.  so now, my attitude and my altitude have leveled off to cruising height, and i'm going to slide under the radar of wakefulness into what i hope is a decent sleep.  

hibernative day

there are words that are not words that should be.  HIBERNATIVE is not a word.  but i like it, and i like what it means in use, as a state of inactivity.  inactivity is far too common a word, and hibernative is not.  but when i use a word and am not certain of its legitimacy, i look online for it and see if it has a definition.  usually it does not.  this one doesn't either, but someone thought of it before me and has stated that they think it an appropriate word.  all that to say there is someone who has a brain whose path i just crossed briefly, and that makes me happy.

yesterday was a rather hibernative day.

i didn't journal yesterday.  I said i was going to stop the last minute, just get something written no matter what it is and close the day out journalling.  i am serious about that.  this is a journal with a purpose.  i expect it will become more definitive as the year of it draws to its conclusion, but we're still in the early stages, not even a full two months yet.  so this entry is inclusive of November the 6th, as well as today, November the 7th.  and those who don't like it...well...why should i care?

yesterday i went to the gym after i dropped Syd off to catch her bus.  I walked for half an hour over constantly shifting terrain, from a 0.0 percent elevation to a 4.0, and it shifted at the design of the treadmill.  i was sore and exhausted afterward, but i saw the difference right off.  a mile takes me about twenty minutes.  little more sometimes.  i burn around 110 calories, i walk it at an elevation of about 2.5, so a slight upward incline the entire way.  this was a half hour, at a comparable speed, that took me to about a mile and a half, that burned about 350 calories, that worked my muscles much more efficiently.  so i am going to start doing the treadmill for time rather than for distance, and if i increase and acclimate to the time increases, the mile increases will come as well.  again, looking for a better solution that will enhance the desired results.  like not focusing on weight but on increased health and lessening of meds will almost by proxy mean the weight is coming off.

i then went home long enough to change and have some coffee, do some writing in Mechanical Jesus and get to counseling.  it's always sort of interesting when VF and i just talk about a certain subject for a whole session.  i like it, as i don't have a lot of people that i can just run through some of the items in my head with.  i appreciate having her as a friend as well as a counselor.  plus, now that i know i have BED, i may never get out of counseling.  that's just a joke.

i then went to visit my mother, as i told her on wednesday i would.  i intended to stay much longer than i did but it wasn't a long visit.  I don't mind visiting my mother, but her sadness is too much a trigger in my memory banks.  i cannot, at this time, easily remember my mother having happy times.  there is something very sad about that to me.  and the fact that she finds so much to be miserable about now, so many things to grate against her the wrong way, it makes a prolonged visit almost unbearable.  but i know the time is coming when one of us won't be around anymore, and i don't want to spend any more time than necessary feeling as if i can't visit my parents.  they're the only ones i'm going to have, and i'm the only Tim they've got, so we have to just put up with each other.  and since they and i have been doing so for 47 years now, i guess its obvious that we can.

i had two boiled eggs for breakfast yesterday, i had two hamburger patties with salsa, cheese and sour cream and a medley of veggies and cheese sauce for lunch, and I had leftovers for dinner, of pot roast, carrots and potatoes and green beans.  i grazed on a small bag of chips.  my sugar was good, and my mood was one of contemplation and ease.  i was sleepy, but i didn't nap.  Syd has been cleaning her room, and though i told her her weekend would be spent here, i let her go because that saves money.  i have to finish paying her school fees so i can get her report card, and because they need to be paid.  i paid half last month and i'm paying the rest on monday.  i really pray that the 911 job comes through this time.  i just want to be in an earning position again.  i'm so thankful that the rent stays paid and the utilities are on, but when it's one week into the month and i'm considering what else i can pay and how do i do groceries this month and will i have enough to do the Thanksgiving thing for my family, it cracks the door a bit for the depression.  plus, i have to order the phone for Syd, which will eliminate the Christmas thing.  but, i'm going to just acknowledge that this is not unique, though things would like to make me endorse a uniqueness for this feeling.  many people are struggling, and even millionaires have killed themselves at the so-called holidays.  we have created a society of affluence and despair, because it sells useless things to desperate people so the truly rich increase their riches.  I will not succumb to latent Madison Avenue toss-off emotives.  I will be okay, WE will be okay and that's just about all there is to that.

as well, my anniversary is in twenty days.  God willing i make it til then, it will officially be twenty-seven years sober and clean.  i remember still my first anniversary.  i was so overwhelmed.  i had watched so many of the others collecting their coins.  when you were new, all the way up to being 9 months, you got a plastic keytag.  many of us would just string them together and make ornamental hangings from them.  but when you got a year, in the fellowship of my preference, you finally got a COIN.  a brass coin that said 'hope, faith and courage' on one side.  i remember how i cried when i got my year coin.  i was overwhelmed.  i was alive.  it was a year later.  i'd not believed that i could do it.  everyone i'd gone through the care unit with (except TB, who is still clean to my knowledge) was back out getting high or drunk again.  I was twenty one.  there were people who loved me.  there was help i was able to give and service i was able to provide.  i cried, maybe the only time in my life, for the overwhelming weight of happiness.  i sometimes wonder if, like that first hit or that first drink that really does it for you, people relapse because they're hoping to get that feeling again.  because anniversaries now, they're just days of looking back.  no celebrations, no big whoop.  and the gratitude remains, and the being of service and the love too, but they're altered somehow.  i'm not twenty-two; i'm forty-seven.  i've been doing this since i was twenty.  i have lost all my teeth, i have congestive heart failure, i have diabetes, i have a marriage and a divorce, i have a child i'm raising solo, i have broken hearts and have a broken heart, i have lost friends to death and i have been angered beyond belief at the degeneration of my familial home in the form of the fellowship of my choice.  i have watched the world become a compromised place and, maybe worst of all, i have learned that the world was likely ALWAYS this compromised place, and i had to get old and bitter for that to come clearly into focus.  life is interesting, but there won't be any tears of joy the twenty-seventh of november this year.  there will be a prayer, if i am still alive, thanking Jehovah for another day of life, and there will be the day ahead.  you know what?  i miss that young man who was so undone with that first year, but i like this me better.  this me knows and appreciates the value of things much more than that me did.

today is a hibernative day as well.

today i woke sluggish and may return to bed soon.  but i'm striving not to.  today i had bacon and eggs and a piece of toast for breakfast.  today, the coffee is good, the sugar wasn't bad and the house is quiet.  i am going to start cleaning.  I'm going to find me some good music, start a good thorough cleaning of the apartment because the plan for thanksgiving is to have dad and my aunt michelle and my brother and De'Ja and maybe Syd's friend and me and Syd here.  don't know about R.  don't know about Tina, who came last year but may have other plans, as she is at least on friendship terms with a mutual friend and maybe will be more by that time who knows?  still, i have to start the logistics.  dinner menu, seating, fridge space.  gonna be a tight month.  but it all begins with cleaning.  and i'm still pondering the programmed aspect of the world we're living in.  i don't know how much of that is a distraction from looking at myself.  i know the world is a fabrication of convenience for selling shit to idiots and innocents.  knowing it doesn't change it one whit.  so why do i continue beating that dead horse?  it ain't gonna cross the finish line.  but we'll see what the day brings, and who brings it, and we'll get back to this a bit later.  that's enough for now, i believe.

well, i finished my cleaning.  my areas are done, and i have a load of clothes to finish tomorrow.  i didn't find anything i was looking for when i went to the store.  my sugar levels were good.  i managed to eat okay, not as well as i should have but far from fiend eating.  i have to get groceries.  i have to make a decision on this phone thing for Syd.  but those aren't major and pressing issues.  i'm looking forward to sleep.  i always sleep better when my space is clean.  thanks for a good day, Father.

retro rocket slow down

good thursday morning.  today started a bit differently.  I was planning on hitting the gym at the 530 opening, but when I opened my eyes it was already after five and I was groggy as hell.  so i rolled into a prayer that i had to stop because my brain was still fuzzy.  i'm going to say, here and now and for the record, that the relaxation vids on youtube work better than any pill i've ever tried as far as a sleep aid.  I sleep the night through, maybe wake one time, and when i wake up for the day my creative mind has already been conditioned to write and think and do.  i like it a lot.  it's a nice addition.
so, i started my prayer and I realized, with my fuzzy brain, i was just churning the spiritual water.  so i stopped, picked up my bible and read the 28th chapter in the book of the Acts of the Apostles, and that let me refocus my prayer.  there's a story in it about Paul being a prisoner under house arrest in Rome, but also of how when he was gathering wood to add to a fire after he and Luke and other disciples were ship-wrecked on an island, he was bitten by a viper that was hiding in the wood.  and they thought him a murderer and that he'd been judged and condemned to die.  but when he just shook the snake off and kept doing his thing and didn't die, they changed their minds and thought him a god.  that's like the world still is.  one extreme to the next and never stopping to see what the reality behind what the eyes are taking in just might be.
i'm drinking good coffee.  i'm going to the gym after i take Syd to her bus stop.  I'm going to my doctor's appointment.  i'm going to consider a phone i found on ebay, which would be perfect as i could get it for 25 dollars for 6 months, or maybe it was 8, but that's very do-able.  and i'm going to get something to cook for dinner while i'm out, because dinner must be cooked tonight.  i'm trying to get back to the discipline of writing in this journal earlier in the day, so i don't have to just sum up and wrap up at night while i'm sleepy.  but part of what that's been about has been living life, and doing things, and not just sitting still waiting for the depression to bang down the door.  so, i won't complain too much.
google docs may just be the solution to my word processing issue, and it won't cost me a thing if it is.  God provides, always, if i listen to what he's showing me through the people around me.
i got to get started, later on the rest of this noise.

this was a slow down in a bunch of different ways today.  like going to my doctor and finding all my numbers are good, a1c down, insulin down, but weight is same  loss as the middle of last month.  not going to get bummed out, not going to go crazy.  then, went to the store rather than to see my sponsor because my brother called, said his dude who works on my car was going to stop by soon to check something for me.  so, no visit, and no walk in mill creek.  except that this was going to be a sort of slow down day.  so i just chilled.  made myself lunch from found things in the fridge, rested, wrote just a little, my mother came by and we spoke for a bit, so did my brother.
i am considering what needs to happen as far as my weekend goes.  maybe R will make it through, maybe not.  but i have to get some other things shaking, under any circumstances.  so, thank you, Father, and i got nothing else right now.

do the math

the days are getting darker quicker now.  the joke of daylights saving gets old quickly.  i've been staving off the depression, but it's hard.  isolation is easy to feel when loneliness is prevalent, but i'm not going to petition for company.  R is doing her thing to make sure her kids stay fed.  i am tending to the business at hand, have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, got the major bills paid today.  i worked out at the gym and i'm going to do it again tomorrow.  I didn't make the Salvation army for the produce giveaway, as i had to make coffee for the meeting and was holding the new coffee.  i have been writing a lot, it's moving well, i think i'm going to ease back just a hair, not for too long but just for a day, because i don't want to try to manage where it goes; i just want to capture it as it unfolds.
the meeting on wednesday is going well.  i was sorry i had to tell a young lady we couldn't sign her paper for her, but we have that policy for a reason; no slips signed after 1210.  and not returned until one.  she left once she found she couldn't get her paper signed.  we are compromised from without, but we are willing prisoners to a society that has usurped our benefits, co-opted our principles and still finds the gall to call us frauds.  it's amazing.
i saw a magazine at Syd's doctor office today, some drug company magazine, speaking of Binge Eating Disorder (or B.E.D.)...i thought to myself, even easy math is a lot of money.  now, binge eating has been around forever and ever, amen.  BUT.  as i have spoken at length to my counselor about these new phenomena of disorders that are being assembly line produced anymore, to see this one roll out onto the production floor was pretty awesome.  see, they have statistics.  5 million women and 3 million men have this disorder.  8 million people.  let's just say that, shits and giggles, they know if they say 8 million they'll get ten million of us neurotic fat people asking our physicians for a work-up, a psych profile and a specialist to determine whether we are in the BED class.  and, lowballing just for conversation, let's say the initial consultation is a nice round figure of $100 a head.  well.  a billion dollar diagnosis.  then, of course, additional for therapy, for treatment, for follow-up care, for nutritionist, the sleep apnea people will jump in on it too, and so will the other specialist that are peripheral to eating disorder diagnosis.  and the drug companies will have something ready, with a whole host of side effects ranging from loss of sleep to death, and don't take this if you're pregnant or nursing...and now you're into the tens of billions of dollars, for something that has already been diagnosed as part of the eating disorder phenomena but now has it's own cult following.  but no one seems to look at that shit.  very few seem to see it.  so, am i just paranoid, stupid or some lone nut?  i think i need a fourth option.
anyway, that was something new.  conversation with Syd was peaceful.  we went for chinese food for dinner.  i was irritable from the doctor visit.  got to remember to have them do a referral to a real doctor's office.  this 'health center' bullshit is played out.  i feel okay now.  going to turn in early, as my appointment is at 10 in the morning and i don't want to miss the gym.  i had more to say but it slips my mind at the moment, so good night, and be grateful things are not as bad as they could be and are for someone that you know.  peace.

the saboteur

"The mind is its own place and in itself, can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven."
Milton

indicators are always present.  you can see anything in yourself you dare to see.  but the brain controls perception, and it has its reasons, and those reasons don't always make themselves known, even to the most aggressive searcher.  so we can still end up, metaphorically, going down wrong roads, making wrong turns and ending up lost...even when we know where we are and where we have been driving and where we're trying to go.

i see this process happening, and the question is, can i stop it?

i see my journaling becoming trivial.  i see my eating becoming less disciplined.  i feel as if i am doing this consciously, as i am aware that it is happening.  yet, i also feel that it is being snuck in under my nose.  as if i look up and there is more undisciplined behavior, more trivial thoughts.  what would be the cause of this?  why would i, in the face of long range goals and success showing in the numbers, begin creeping in the other direction?

because sabotage is what i am trained in.  it's what i'm good at and its what i am most practiced in.  i write in two voices and only see one.  i think in a myriad of tongues, yet they all sound like me.  i am versed in self deception.  even now, i slow down in my typing because the mistakes i've been making have been because, in my opinion, if i make a bunch of mistakes and get frustrated, then i won't dig deep, i'll just write some bullshit and call it a day and say 'at least i journalled'.  same with my eating.  I made a banana spice cake, under the auspices that A may like some, so i'll get in touch with them, or that someone may stop by and get some.  I've eaten off the cake, and though the little bit i've eaten is not killing me, its nodding at the wheel.  and if you nod enough or get too comfortable nodding at the wheel, you will eventually crash.  so, causes and conditions.

i'm not perfect, but i am a perfectionist by training.  namely, when i didn't do things perfectly, i stood a chance of being punished for being 'less than perfect', is the only way i can state that.  i learned early on that if i just let myself slide slowly into imperfection and then maintained that level of imperfection i could get away with not being rigidly perfect and still avoid punishment.  again, it's not blaming toti.  this is something that a grown mind would process childishly.  the child in me knew i was capable of doing great things, and was resentful about being punished for mistakes.  the adult that i am is being inundated by these self-sabotaging thoughts and actions.  therefore, correction must come from outside, and must be spoken through in order to eventually make it stick.  

it's not bad to bake a cake.  but i'm not going to be eating off it til its gone.  that's not going to happen.  I had two pieces of pizza at sunday's meeting.  it didn't do me bad, but it was nodding at the wheel.  a few nachos here and there.  nodding at the wheel.  a tiny bag of chips.  i logged it, but its nodding at the wheel.  i guess, again, subconsciously right before my eyes, the biggest indicator of the sabotage being programmed in, the clearest evidence, is that i have stopped posting food content and calories.  that is how the weight comes down.  and if i'm not logging, its because i'm not eating as the diet would dictate.  so i will not fool myself on value from this point.  i have work to do.  it's not surface shit that's going to get me off these meds; its substantial change and awareness of where i'm at due to where i've been and what i've done.  so.  can i get back to these practices?  can i change course, start working on being a friend to myself?  and isn't that really the hardest part of the job i have to do in the year i've picked for this journey?  

i'm walking today, no gym.  i feel like pushing further than a mile, if toti feels its okay.  but i am walking.  it's cold in my apartment so i'm moving slowly.  supposed to have Will coming by to check out my brakes.  my activities for the day are simple.  i'm going to pay my rent.  i'm going to get the supplies that we need, not at Big Lots, as i already got coffee, but at dollar general, so i get supplies and nothing more.  i'm going to start making out my menu for thanksgiving.  i'm going to write and clean, i want to keep the house together as i'm having my dad and my aunt by for thanksgiving.  i'm going to walk.  and i'm going to log what i eat, get my calories back down around 1500 or under, and i'm going to get back to conscious sacrifice.  i want the blessing.  i will wrestle the angel for it, regardless of feeling the pains.  more later.  

BREAKFAST - 
1c rice, 242
2 eggs, 144

breakfast calories - 386

well, let's see.  what was today?  it's now about a quarter to ten at night, but i'm not doing a quick summary.  i'm going to change this shit up one way or another.  so, the day was decent.  it's the only way i can summarize.  i ate much better today.  for lunch, grilled cheese and tomato sandwich and a bowl of soup.  not bad.  for dinner, hamburger patties, no bread, with salsa, cheese and sour cream, and green beans, which turned out wonderfully by the way.  i had half a turkey sandwich for my snack. i went to a meeting.  i did not walk however, the saboteur is me and he is real.  i went to the salvation army though.  R called me, said they were doing a produce giveaway.  i got no produce because i didn't know it was 'bring your own bags' and take a number as well.  i did not bring my own bags and by the time i actually found out about the number drawing system i was further up in the line and would have had to start over again.  I'm going to get produce tomorrow before my meeting though.  
why didn't i walk?  it was a nice day, warm, sunny.  i had nothing else more important going on.  i did not walk because my mind changed.  i can't allow that to happen.  it's not the biggest deal in the world, but acting in my own best interest will never become a habit until i habitually do what is in my best interest.  so, gym in the morning.  salvation army.  meeting.  that's what i have planned.  i did a lot of writing, i'm back over 30,000 words and its' not been a whole month yet.  focusing just on Mechanical Jesus is a better idea.  working on one good story at a time is much better than fucking up two stories simultaneously.  that's what i think anyway.  

i'm going to find some good nature sounds and crash in a minute.  i am enjoying the depth of sleep that they take me to.  i'm enjoying sleep, period.  i guess this is kind of a summary, but i'm grateful today.  i had what we need, and maybe even can do some of the things we want, and that's the best deal i got at the moment so i'm going to roll with it.  thanks, Father, you always come through for us.  

altered states

the best change is the change that steals over you like a thief.  change that comes so gradually you're not even aware that it's happened until its tested and you deal with something in a whole different way, and then you know that you've become something else.  it can be scary.  It can be downright frightening, to be honest.  Because you don't know that its happening, but you become suddenly aware that something has become altered in you, something is not quite the same.  It's the way i felt closing out my day yesterday.  I responded to some things in a way that i was not prepared to, and I knew then that the lessons i've been learning are actual and genuine.
i'll get to more of that in a few.
it is cold in my apartment.  I am tired, not so much of cold winters, but of cold apartments.  It's cold and the cold makes it hard to write, but i'm writing anyway.  I'm past the activation in Mechanical Jesus finally, and I have about two/thirds to go, and that's not bad, being that i just started again on the sixteenth of October.  I said my prayers, i'm going to go and start  the car and warm it up and get ready to take Syd to catch her bus.  I got to get some gas in the car and toss a bag of trash in a dumpster.  morning is a beautiful thing when you want to be alive.
well, it's almost the end of the day, meaning its closing in on midnight.  i'm weary, in fact i'm just up again, after having crashed for a bit.  but the day was as noneventful as i thought it'd be, and that's not a bad thing.
i almost ran out of money, thinking i was about a hundred to the good going into next month, but actually nowhere close to that.  i'm beginning to get annoyed at this 'i'm going to be gone most of the time' bullshit from my child, but have to remember that this is the age when that happens.  i made my salmon croquets for dinner, i wrote a bit in Mechanical Jesus, spoke to both parents, spoke to R, and that was about the day.  i have a bunch of things to do tomorrow, like going to pay my rent, going to get some supplies, paying bills, seeing about getting my brakes done.  i am really trying to process some of this information, because its a pain to think in terms of money that is moving out of the house almost as soon as it comes in, and yet that's what money does in every house everywhere except the wealthy.  i am praying the job at the 911 center comes through this time, but it won't necessarily make things better.  it will just allow some flexibility in my financial situation.  i wish i could have found something under the table, but i am not plugged in that way anymore.  besides, what i have to do more than worry about finances is increase my faith and continue proactivity.  those things will bring about change for the better far more efficiently than worry will.  but its easy to fall back into old habits.
i don't know.  i am not going to make busy work for myself.  i'm going to make out a menu for thanksgiving and i'm going to start to accumulate the peripherals now.  i'm going to work on space requirements, as i will likely have my dad and my aunt by for dinner that day as well.  i'm going to keep moving forward, and i'm going to try my best to not worry.  these are my plans.  i know i was on a different track this morning, but hell, i almost didn't finish writing this at all.  so i'm going to sleep again, and maybe i'll have more insightful stuff tomorrow.  good night, and thanks, Jehovah, for another day aboveground.

thankful n thoughtful...

...that's the title to a Sly & The Family Stone song.  i love it, because it starts like so much of my life had...'sunday morning, and i forgot my prayer'.  i lived much of my life in self-will, and eventually self-will removes the need for prayer.  but today i prayed.  it was early early in the morning, but i prayed.  i got up.  i took my insulin and my meds and had a spinach mushroom tomato omelet and a piece of toast.  had coffee, a cup of milk, and water.  wrote in Mechanical Jesus.  and passed back out, because it was early, early in the morning.  that's a Gap Band song.
i've been thinking.  i'm doing a lot more of that lately, if that's believable, or even if it isn't.  the nature of my thinking seems to be changing though.  i feel the division coming up again, but it's a different format this time.  different software of the spirit, maybe?  i feel as if there is one part of me that is trying desperately hard to just accept things as they are, to go in the direction i'm traveling and see where it takes me.  and there's another part of me that is bristling, that is ready to tear some shit up.  i've always associated the second with my wolf, which i feel is my spirit animal.  but i can't say for sure.  i know when i remove the onus of 'fuck you all, i'll laugh when i win' from the equation, i see capability honed by experiences rough and painful.  i see a book that was destroyed almost halfway done, in less than a month.  i see a play that i can spend the winter finding participants for, a vision that i want to see come to fruition.  i can see having authors that i am editing and publishing their stuff, trying to give to others what i had such a hard time finding.  and none of that seems particularly vindictive.  partly because it's not people who have done me wrong.  its not really being done wrong at all.  LIFE SHIT.  that's the deal.  life does what it does, and you deal with it, you roll with it, or you get steamrolled.  i've gotten steamrolled because i've refused to deal with what is, always weeping about what should be.
R is moody and is pretty contrary.  so i'm not approaching her at this time.  BC, from the other day, urged me to just take this one day at a time.  that's what a friend would do.  got another friend, Lenette, from my childhood, i'm going to message her on facebook, find out what would be a good time for a cup of coffee, if that boat hasn't sailed.  here's a thought:  if the bridges are still burning, PUT THE FIRES OUT.  because if they're still burning they may be salvageable.  that's a thought for the day if i ever thought one.  but, like all the good stuff, i thank God for showing me this, because if i was bright enough to know it, i wouldn't be almost an old man fighting fucking fires i started myself.  i'm going to get ready to go to the Kingdom Hall with my mother.  finish this later.

...later...

i hate when thoughts grow bigger in my head than my immediate ability to express them verbally.
i had a good day.  it was a good meeting, and it was a good service at the Kingdom Hall.  it was nice being able to be there for and with my mom.  so many people today, and there is such an air of welcome.  it makes for double nostalgia.  it takes me back to the early days of my sobriety, when we greeted each other and fellowshipped before and after a meeting.  and, of course, it took me back to my real early days, being a kid going to the Kingdom Hall, doing the lessons and having friends and family and just being in a pretty good space.  the essence of the program is all upon me, and i am seeing things and learning things that sort of corroborate with things that i know should exist in a recovery fellowship.  such as...
one of the lessons today was about how humility creates unity.  i could immediately relate to the principle, but more to the point, i could see where i may have overlooked much in my anger and resentment about the state of 12 step recovery today.  and what better mental condition to miss a lot than in a state of anger and resentment?
humility is a working relationship with God at one's right size.  it's not about being right, it's about feeling right-sized.  and, the strongest point about real humility is that it can make you feel empowered.  but false humility, forgetting one's station in life?  it can cost you a lot.  like Moses, for instance.  having schlepped around with the Israelites for like a bazillion years (not quite that long), he was on the verge of the promised land when the Israelites probably just got on his LAST NERVE.  i can relate to that.  and God told Moses, 'gather the people and speak to the rock and water will appear'.  but Moses had been playing God, at God's instructions for a bit of time now, and maybe he was too deep in cover, so to speak, so Moses yelled at the people and struck the rock, and water came out.  but God told Moses, 'since you disobeyed me, you won't be the one to lead Israel into the promised land."  so at the end of all his trials and tribulations, Moses was jacked because he forgot he wasn't God.  and that's what false humility can lead to.  the 12 step programs need work.  they need something, that's for sure.  but the individuals have lost their way.  and it's made room for a break in unity at all levels.  it's going to have to start, as in the beginning, with the individuals.  that's the only way.  you can't put together a puzzle with no pieces, and each piece is very important to creating the entire picture.  if there are no pieces, if the pieces are not from the same puzzle, you'll never have a unified picture.  that's how it seems to me now, anyway.
i am sleepy.  but it's daylight savings time, mind-fuckery at its best.  i'm going to read a bit, and crash, and get up and get my lazy ass to the gym.  i feel good.  and that's not a new sensation, so there's hope.  thank you, Father, for everything today.