on my way to work in the mornings, there is a place on Liberty road going into Girard where a flashing red light indicates the spot the speed limit reduces to 25. when i'm coming down Liberty, i reach a place where i can see the flashing, and despite not really wanting to, every day i count the flashes. every work day. if i get 10 flashes (and 3 once i'm right up on it) i feel i'm going to have a good day. if i get fewer, the day is decreasingly good. never really BAD...unless the lack of numbers is due to inclement weather.
today i got twelve. which i felt was a harbinger of a weird day. and a weird day it was indeed.
i'm not generally superstition, or perhaps i am and don't know it. i don't avoid splitting poles or matches 3 times, i'm not afraid of underneath ladder walking or in building opening of umbrellas. nothing with black cats or spilled salt or any of those things. but i am increasingly peculiar. Inclement, one might even say.
to that extent, today was my 30 year anniversary of being completely abstinent from drug or alcohol abuse. it was a day of reflection, a day of correction, a day of trying to be patient in a situation that was increasingly insane. it was a day of checking briefly on my parents, of spending time with Rachel, of dinner making and slow driving and ponderings and memories of some very dear friends no longer in this dimension. good friends we've had, good friends we've lost along the way...
what i can say pretty safely, what i can assure myself without too much trepidation, is that i am abundantly blessed. i feel 30 years past my expiration date, but that's remarkable when you refer to bread or milk and it is still edible. 30 years past can't be considered fresh at all, except in the eyes of a mountain or the ocean.
but i am blessed. Jehovah has granted me serenity, courage and wisdom, He has allowed me to become a better son, a better father and a better friend, and i know i am these things because i am a better Tim in my own life.
i have the battles that we all go through. even now, gout flare in my right foot, right knee still singing, left foot abating from it's own flare up. one medical issue after another.
tomorrow will be our anniversary meeting. i will not work; i have a doctor appointment after the meeting. i am tired right now. i am going to go to sleep, make the most of the day.
i have no profound sharing thing to leave here. the 12 steps work. the Traditions keep the groups safe from us. we are all that stands between a world of indifference to human suffering and the possibility of change, and we should take that responsibility very seriously. i am grateful to Jehovah for all.
the cross contains what i have of what remains of my sponsor. it will have to do, i suppose.
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