it's friday night.  i've been neglectful still.  but i'm moving in the right direction, i guess.  i am doing this now because i have a lot more work to do.  discipline is lacking, and i have to get it back on track, in fact more so than before, if i want to live through this.  but that's not what i'm doing here now.

i'm just letting people know i am alive and well.  i have some things to process, some lists that need to be made and some distance to cover.  then i can get back to this Journey.  til then though, i am here, will drop a line from time to time, and hope that all is well with everyone else.  see you soon, Jehovah willing and the creek don't rise..

30...

well, i think its been a day.  i get stranger in stranger ways as i get older, i guess.  for instance:
on my way to work in the mornings, there is a place on Liberty road going into Girard where a flashing red light indicates the spot the speed limit reduces to 25.  when i'm coming down Liberty, i reach a place where i can see the flashing, and despite not really wanting to, every day i count the flashes.  every work day.  if i get 10 flashes (and 3 once i'm right up on it) i feel i'm going to have a good day.  if i get fewer, the day is decreasingly good.  never really BAD...unless the lack of numbers is due to inclement weather. 

today i got twelve.  which i felt was a harbinger of a weird day.  and a weird day it was indeed. 

i'm not generally superstition, or perhaps i am and don't know it.  i don't avoid splitting poles or matches 3 times, i'm not afraid of underneath ladder walking or in building opening of umbrellas.  nothing with black cats or spilled salt or any of those things.  but i am increasingly peculiar.  Inclement, one might even say.

to that extent, today was my 30 year anniversary of being completely abstinent from drug or alcohol abuse.  it was a day of reflection, a day of correction, a day of trying to be patient in a situation that was increasingly insane.  it was a day of checking briefly on my parents, of spending time with Rachel, of dinner making and slow driving and ponderings and memories of some very dear friends no longer in this dimension.  good friends we've had, good friends we've lost along the way...

what i can say pretty safely, what i can assure myself without too much trepidation, is that i am abundantly blessed.  i feel 30 years past my expiration date, but that's remarkable when you refer to bread or milk and it is still edible.  30 years past can't be considered fresh at all, except in the eyes of a mountain or the ocean. 

but i am blessed.  Jehovah has granted me serenity, courage and wisdom, He has allowed me to become a better son, a better father and a better friend, and i know i am these things because i am a better Tim in my own life. 

i have the battles that we all go through.  even now, gout flare in my right foot, right knee still singing, left foot abating from it's own flare up.  one medical issue after another. 

tomorrow will be our anniversary meeting.  i will not work; i have a doctor appointment after the meeting.  i am tired right now.  i am going to go to sleep, make the most of the day. 

i have no profound sharing thing to leave here.  the 12 steps work.  the Traditions keep the groups safe from us.  we are all that stands between a world of indifference to human suffering and the possibility of change, and we should take that responsibility very seriously.  i am grateful to Jehovah for all.

the cross contains what i have of what remains of my sponsor.  it will have to do, i suppose. 

Be Gone a Minute, Don't Worry...

so, i hope everyone (haha) has been cool.  i've been a miserable motherfucker for the past several days.  the fall i took on monday that i thought was healing up has not been healing much at all.  i've been heating and icing it, taking every pain med at my disposal, resting and elevating and trying to not let my house become a piss-misasma'd filth sty, and the pain remains unabated.  my plan for today is, i have a ride, so i'm going to the meeting and then to the emergency room.  i know they won't help but i don't know if i'll be able to drive like this and i'm going to need some kind of documentation on the shit i'm going through.  but i don't want to miss work.  i want this to go away.  just me getting old and acting like i'm not, i suppose.

sorry for the absence, and the one to come.  i'll update when i can.  if you know how to reach in further than this, you're welcome to. 

Between Sadness and Cultures

a time of madmen, a time of fear, a pondering of what's gone and what's near, dreams of paradise blown up in a wink, important to know; more important to think...

don't want to get too far behind, do we?

it's tuesday night.  i'm in my bed, but not for much longer.  prep time. time to chop and dice and slice and package and put away.  time to strip the plastique from the bird and dry brine and re-wrap and put it back in cold storage, for a dynamic braising/roast on Wednesday.  time to PREPARE, to get the small stuff done, the ingredients in order, so the cooking will be relatively easy.

time.

it passes, you know.

yesterday i took a tumble.  not the worst, thank Jehovah.  but bad enough last night. taking bags of food from the car, and knowing there was no 'one-tripping' it, no, those days may be done.  but the rain had made my slightly inclined yard muddy. and on my way back to the car after my first trip, the lawn gave way beneath my food, i felt my knee twisting in the sudden, unexpected movement, and down on my ass i went.  embarrassment more than anything. but pain, to be sure. great, gulping wincing pain in my knee, tender to the touch. i got the car unloaded, but when you're hurt, ten feet seem like seven miles. and you walk it, back and forth, because there's no one else.  was talking to Lonnie when the fall happened, sent a kite out to Rachel, but didn't expect a rescue.

put some things in stark relief, in clear perspective.  not bad, just real. if i take the big tumble, i'm on my own.  So was Johnnie when he knew the time had come.

tomorrow would have been his 70th birthday.

December would mark 30 years since i first met him.

November 27th is my 30 year sober anniversary.

somehow, the sadness finally has an appropriate home, so i don't feel so fucking depressed.  just sad.

work was okay today, but painful as hell.  a thing to learn; when you hurt your knee to the extent that the patella may be traumatized, you may walk with some dexterity, but making your lower leg shift is a function that starts with the knee.  no knee, no easy flex. so i had to literally lift my right leg to move it from the gas to the brake and back again, often. a pain in the ass.

i put aspercreme on it, took tylenol, wrapped the lower leg in Ace bandages.  i rested it, i elevated it. i got through the afternoon runs too. i finished the day.

now i have 3 days off.  five total before i return to work for 2 days, then off wednesday.

Nancy has a cross for me.  it contains a small amount of Johnnie's ashes.  i can say that i have never worn a cross in my life.  i have never been inclined to wear a cross. being raised in Jehovah's Witnesses strips much of that away from you.

but like i voted in 2008 and 2012 (2016 too, though i'm done now) i will accept this gift from my friend.  we are grieving together. she much more so than i, but perhaps not.

time to heat a cup of coffee and get ready to get down.

thank you, Father, for getting me through the day.

consistency restored (we HOPE)

well, it seems to continue on it's merry way, don't it?

but we can only do what we can do, we can only get done what we can, and there's no point feeling sorry for ourselves.  the deal is to keep it moving and to get back to the daily routine asap.  if you can dig that.

let's start from Friday, because it was a day off, scheduled but out of the ordinary.  i got up still at my normal time and got my ablutions, such as they are, done and out the way.  but i couldn't really get tuned in to being super-productive.  what i managed to do was place my furniture where i wanted it, and to arrange my living room so that i could start residing there.  it is nice, i am appreciative and i can't wait to entertain now. almost. 

i got to counseling, good session, nothing  out of the ordinary, just trying to keep it all on point.  still have the residuals from Johnnie's passing, and that's going to last awhile, but the functionality has not ceased yet, and that's a true blessing. 

then came the interview. 

nowadays, it's called a "Substance Use Disorder Advocate".  substance use disorder...once it was just called an addict.  very billable now, i would imagine.  not long ago,  the SUD Advo was a Recovery Coach, who did Peer Support.  before all the bullshit and mutual masturbation, it was the same thing an actual Sponsor would do.  but that's not billable at all.  so they got my info from Indeed.com, and they contacted me and i went for the interview and 5 individuals questioned me and i answered them as honestly as i can.  i hope they see some merit in who i am and where i've been and what i've done  but it only matters that i conducted myself with all the presence and dignity my time in recovery have afforded me, and that i remembered to thank Jehovah for the blessing. 

later Rachel came by for a brief tick and an iced coffee, and we talked and  she left and i went to bed.  pretty simple fare, that.

now, since i had Rachel clean for me last weekend, i had it in mind to get some wash done, and that was part of the Friday plan but, as the best laid plans often do, it didn't happen.  but i forced it on Saturday.  got up, did the thing, gathered up the bedding and clothes and took off for the laundromat.  got the wash done, went to the store and took breakfast food to my parent's house.  fed them, got dishes done, got stuff put away and got them dinner cooked for a couple days.  then i went back to the store, got dinner for myself, got money for my dad, dropped off his money and came home.  i slowly got clothes and groceries put away and cooked dinner later in the evening.  Rachel came by later, ate and talked and watched some television with me. nice visits. 

today, i woke and went to the meeting. i forgot my wallet here, as i was planning on shopping for most of my Thursday meal, but i'll get on with that tomorrow.  i am going to rest, shower, shave and get things ready for work.  2 days this week, then 5 days off in a row.  i'm definitely grateful for that!

talked to Syd, she's not doing as well as she could be.  time to think of something to do to help, i imagine.

thank you, Father,, and i'll try to do better in the near future.

and time to do the Dining Room...

BRRRRRRRR...

i would say this is close enough to call it winter.  though the official start is some weeks (or days) off, it is 23 degrees out at this moment.  i'm about to go downstairs and heat up my car so i can do this work thing.  one more day after this, then there's my interview, a Friday off, first this month, next week i'll be off for 3 days around thanksgiving, and almost a year on the job.  it's been interesting.  it's been a revelation sort of trip around the sun so far. 

yesterday i realized i was fed up with some things on the job, but not to the point of quitting; to the point of not dealing with them the same way.  patience is cool, but there comes a point patience is too patient.  you have to ACT sometimes; life demands it, by life's nature.  so i let it be known i was not happy with certain things presented to me.  i don't mind the perception of the 'bad nigger'; i'm not, but if the opposite is being a mute witness to someone's ignorance, then so i will let you believe me to be.

regardless, time is moving, and i must move with it.  a cold day means a warm bus is needed.  i am grateful to Jehovah for the memories and the hope in a good today.

Upstairs, Getting It Done...

i am no angel,
i have no halo,
no horns or hooves,
just a tired soul.
i am just human,
but with a wolf
inside me,
i howl at the
quarter moon,
because the full moon
just puts me to sleep
these days...

yes, i'm just working on my day's ending.  nothing too eventful to share.  work was cool, if more involved than usual.  prayer, meditation, medication.  talked to Syd, Mom, texted my brother, had lunch with Lonnie and Joshua.  working on a song now.  working on some music.  wish i was writing.  wish i was selling my books, or soup, or something.  but i'm composing, and that's creating, and it will do for now.

things going on in my head, i'll share them tomorrow, i'm thinking.  but i'm blessed, and thankful to Jehovah for a day now closing. 

Winter Prelude

baby, it's COLD outside.

no joke, and no shit.  but what you gonna do?  complain about the seasons changing?  might as well complain about the sun rising in your window.

it's sunday morning, and i'm slowly getting ready to roll.  it's been a decent enough weekend.  nothing much to do today.  got up, said my prayer and had some cereal for breakfast.  read my books and bible, took my medicines, worked on some music, coming along.  yesterday i did some shopping, washed clothes and made a killer soup.  just great. 

work has been pretty routine.  good thing about this job; the details remain the same overall, but the minutiae changes every day, so there's never really a boring day.  just a day of running a route (route-in, routine) that will have some new nuances every single day.  i dig the hell out of that.

thinking about dinner today, thinking about this cleaning that Rachel is supposed to do, and the furniture i should be getting tomorrow.  thinking about the week ahead, the hours left in the day, and the good taste of the soup i made.  thinking about how grateful i am, the days and nights have a better quality to them.  thinking about my sponsor.  thinking about the coming year.  and getting in gear to hit the store before the meeting.

thank you, Jehovah, for a good weekend.

Friday...

thank God. 

it hasn't been a bad week.  i've not been on point, have i?  but the events haven't been bad.  the cold is coming.  it's here, i should say, and it's primed to get worse, but that doesn't change from year to year.  always funny to me; you'll be told, 'You live in the wrong place to complain about the cold', as if people in places where the cold or heat are more constant never complain about their weather conditions either.  but i'm not complaining.  it is just a slowing down period for me.  but i have to keep writing; change is not going to stop because of my life experiences of late.

so, it's Friday morning.  yesterday i had a rider on my bus, seeing to learning my route for when she drives it next Friday.  the day went easy enough, i did see my mom and dad also, and i didn't have any major issues with anyone.  kind of the same thing on Wednesday. the meeting was cool, some folks were in heavier space, and we got our home group meeting done and some plans laid for the anniversary meeting.  but been mostly business as usual.  Rachel came over for dinner on Wednesday, we hung for awhile.  i got Joshua, Lonnie's son, an application for where i work.  i cooked for myself yesterday, and there's nothing unusual about that at all. 

it's going to be a cold day today.  counseling this morning, intermediate run, thought about trying to run my bus through the truck wash again.  have to see how that goes.  i'm up, prayed and medicated and read up and about to get dressed and warm the car for the morning trip.  i feel okay.  that's good enough for a Friday morning.  thank you, Father, for your patience with me. 

Oh Lord...

it's been awhile, and i'm sorry for that.  i can't say why exactly i've slacked so much.  i can only say it's time for me to get my shit moving again.  i'm tired of saying that.

let's start from now, and try for a brief overview of the last week.  since the last time i wrote seems to be the wednesday past, i know i went to my meeting, i know we didn't have our homegroup meeting, and i know that i have been crashing pretty seriously.  by which i mean, sleeping when i'm not doing anything, and wanting to sleep when i am doing stuff.  i'm still grieving, so i would assume some slack and some breathing room.

over the weekend, i had a visit with Rachel, i stayed pretty much to myself on Sunday, and i worked on getting ready for the new work week.  i did go to my parent's house on Sunday to wash a load of clothes, and i hung out while getting that done, but i didn't do much else, to be honest.

over the past 2 days, i've worked, i've ate, i've exercised some, i've saw my parents, had a visit with my grandson and daughter scheduled and then re-scheduled. 

i've made soup and put it in the freezer.  i've gone to the store on a couple different occasions.  i've lunched with Lonnie.  i've thought quite a bit about the old days in CA, in recovery period, about my sponsor.  i haven't written, haven't worked on any music, haven't lifted a creative finger. 

and i haven't journaled.

the eating has been okay, and i haven't been in any real significant slump.  just have been sort of drifting.  and that's not a bad thing, necessarily.  i'm in denial about nothing.  i'm glad to have Rachel in proximity again.  i'm happy that my parents are doing okay.  i've got my primary bills paid.  i'm working good.  looking at some other job prospects as well. 

i am just...trying to get to whatever comes next.  and i don't know what that is just now, so i am not motivated to do any particular thing.

i guess...in the end, that's the truth of it. 

i am very grateful, however, and i will do my best to become consistent again.  and i thank my Father, Jehovah, for balance.  so needed.