Words In the Way

points along the way, you kinda know that talking is pointless. and by that, i don't mean the passive withdrawing of any communication attempts at all that i used to practice and invoke in my younger years.  i mean, you have a history of speaking truth into a situation, and receiving no response, and in that situation with that individual, you know that to try to give voice to care and concern is to hit the 'dead zone' of the human shared experience, like driving into a tunnel in the old cell-phone days and having your call drop like a man off a cliff. 

as i said, before, i just didn't talk. bad feelings, discomfort, fear and anxiety, whatever the reason, i would just leave the communication behind at the first sign of trouble.  what i've learned to do in my increasing age is to try, to express what i'm feeling, where i'm at and what i'm trying to convey, and give the other person an opportunity to respond or react, to either engage or push further away and ensconce themselves in the silence deeper, at which point i can just allow the situation to be what it is, knowing that i honestly tried to rebuild the road between us.

that's the point i'm at with so many people in my life right now.  friends, family, others.  people who i once thought would be the support foundation of my waning years, now i see are just question marks that i've decided not to pluck from the tree branches they hang from.  no reason to; why is, indeed, a fool's question an awful lot of the time. 

all that to say, i tried.  i talked to Rachel about the silence yesterday, and the response was non-existent so far.  that's cool.  soon, this phase will be done, a new phase will be ushered in and my life will become whatever comes next.  until then, i pray, i meditate, i read and i work on the stuff that i have in front of me, so that i don't neglect the will of my Father, who has provided all things to my benefit.  i would love to share those things with someone, but better to enjoy them myself if no one else chooses to than to just neglect them entirely because they're not the way i want them.  makes sense to me, anyway. 

thank you Father, for the beginning of a good day.