there is so much that has changed, and yet so much remains the same. the depression hasn't actually lifted, but it has changed it's focus and its demeanor and is easy to overlook most times. but it is still there, and addressing it is a smart thing to do.
it's wednesday morning now. more than a week since the last time i've written. and like most other points in my life, when things are not going well, i tend to internalize. i know this, and i've strove against it, but nature is a hard woman.
what exactly is wrong? i am empty in the company of so many people. i am constantly surrounded by people, and yet there is very little meaningful interchange. having Rachel here is not the worst thing in the world. at the same time, it is not something that fills many voids in my life either. i guess i could say that's my fault, as i'm prepared for her leaving. but that's factual, as in, "her house will be ready for her to move in on ______, and she'll be moving on at that point". it's not a thing of feeling that she's going to bail on me. so i'm not reserving myself due to that. i'm staying to myself because what we seem to be is a place where two people are being forced to share one seat. we don't really have anything to say. i have been trying to give her the space she says she had when she was in her house. trying not to entertain, trying not to act like there has to be any special occasion. this goes completely against my grain. so i shut down the externals, because it simplifies the process; no desire means no action. and it sucks. because there's nothing to talk about. nothing to engage in. we don't watch the same things, and i barely watch television anyway. she's not creating and i'm not paying for her habitual consumptions. so i work, and i come home, and she is talking well enough on the phone to whomever. and i do my evening shit and i make my way to bed. and struggle to sleep through whatever she's listening to or watching. and then it's the next day.
work is also starting to take a toll on me. not the work itself. one is the having to get up earlier and move sooner than i was in order to accommodate Joshua, Lonnie's son. i do so willingly, as with Rachel being here, because Lonnie has been my best friend and benefactor in so many of my dark times, and i love his son as family. but i am sleeping less, and up earlier, and doing fewer things, and this contributes to it in a large way. i've little patience for most people now anyway, and this doesn't make it better at all. but i get through. i have no choice. i am hoping that he gets a good car for himself soon enough, but i am writing this so i can get it out of me and not carry it in silence any longer.
funny thing is, i don't feel particularly burdened in this. Rachel being here and us not being communicative just means i have a person here in my void. i wouldn't ask someone to be in this with me, and it's not a necessary thing, but i can't force her to come further and i've already issued the invitation to her to do so. so all i can do is live my life. Joshua is holding on to his job, the first one he's had in a few years. worth the stress of the moment, and he pays me for rides, which is cool of him.
meanwhile, i read my meditations, i pray, i take my meds and insulin and i try to change my attitude a little at a time. i try to remember my gratitude. that helps a lot. i am blessed, and i express my gratitude to Jehovah here, and i get on with this day, feeling better for having logged about this leg of the Journey.
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