one truly sucky thing about winter especially...eventually, most people you know are going to be sick. and when that happens, there's practically no chance of avoiding it yourself. so whatever this upper respiratory thing is that's been going around, i've got some degree of it myself now. have been fighting it for weeks, but it got the best of me. i am glad, to be honest. the fight itself is what shows the strength of the individual. at least, in the old way of doing things. i didn't hide from it; bus passengers sick, co-workers sick, Rachel sick, i dealt with them all. but it finally got me too. yesterday i woke coughing and weary. but i had to do the things i had to do to take care of me and my life. i went to the store and got stuff for a healing soup, lotsa garlic and greens. then i got meds and cough drops. i liquidated and marinated and ate soup. i feel some better today, but that's likely just the aesthetics of wanting to feel better. but the mind is it's own place. so, i'm just getting in gear for monday, if i am blessed with a monday to come.
otherwise, it's been pretty mundane. i tried to do some singing on friday, but i couldn't get the tone right, because of the congestion. i did get some help on Saturday, as far as Rachel making me a grilled cheese sandwich and some tea, and that was nice. counseling was cool, and there hasn't been much more stupidity at work. i'm planning on making dinner tonight, just because, and taking a shower and doing my grooming so i can be ready for tomorrow. i feel pretty good, other than being sick. and yes, with a computer right in front of me, it seemed a good idea to just log something quick before i roll out. going to catch brunch with Marc and then the meeting, and have to pick up a couple things for my dinner tonight.
i'm grateful for my life, for convalescence and i am thankful to Jehovah for giving me the sense to write today. and now, i'm done.
Sunday, February 24, 2019
Friday, February 22, 2019
once a week bullshit...
man, i'm off my feed. this is ridiculous. i can't understand why it's so hard to get back to writing on a daily basis. the living situation may play into that somewhat, but i have computers everywhere. it's just a matter of opening a laptop or even pulling up the Journey on my phone and updating. i think i've gone into a form of spiritual hibernation, just in a holding pattern at the moment. it's the only real explanation i've got for this.
things are as stupid as they've been lately. there's not really anything else that i can add to that. the work is cool but the workplace is toxic now. the bills are paid, the fridge is full and the car is running, but i've not seen my child or grandchild since before christmas. talked to Syd on the 18th, her birthday, but that's about it. mom and dad are still plugging away, i still try to help them when i can. Rachel's house passed inspection and she'll be moving soon. those are the pertinents at the moment.
i had an amazing gout/neuropathy flare this week, to the point that on Tuesday evening i could barely walk. took some hard doses of my meds, got it to clear up mostly on Wednesday and yesterday i felt fine. but it was one of those times where i had to think about what i will do when i'm here by myself and that happens. Rachel helped a lot, got the stuff that i needed to take and made sure i could elevate my foot and wrap up in my comforter and sleep soundly through the night while the meds did their thing. it's always something to appreciate someone and realize at the same time you have to maintain distance from them. a strange dichotomy indeed.
its early on Friday morning. i've taken my medicine after my prayer, had a cup of coffee. i'm about to read my books and get myself ready for work, as far as clothes go. it's really too early for all this shit, but i'm up and there's no point wasting the time. the work day should be fairly easy, with three people out today so far. at the same time, i do have one additional, which is a wheelchair client, so that's going to change the dynamic as well. if i do what i need to do, i'll come in tonight, get my ass up here to this office and do some writing and some recording. that's the plan. i'm behind on working on this song, and i have to start focusing in more directly on what i want to do for myself. it's going to be a sad change, but that's just part of life on life's terms. it was a sad change realizing Rachel was here but not here; its a sad change trying to remember my parents as younger adults and seeing that i can't, that in my mind they've always been these old people, and in turn, so have i. but that's how the mind keeps from collapsing, i believe. it doesn't try to maintain everything. just the pertinents. have a great day...or a great week. thank you, Jehovah, for even sporadically logged, the Journey continues.
things are as stupid as they've been lately. there's not really anything else that i can add to that. the work is cool but the workplace is toxic now. the bills are paid, the fridge is full and the car is running, but i've not seen my child or grandchild since before christmas. talked to Syd on the 18th, her birthday, but that's about it. mom and dad are still plugging away, i still try to help them when i can. Rachel's house passed inspection and she'll be moving soon. those are the pertinents at the moment.
i had an amazing gout/neuropathy flare this week, to the point that on Tuesday evening i could barely walk. took some hard doses of my meds, got it to clear up mostly on Wednesday and yesterday i felt fine. but it was one of those times where i had to think about what i will do when i'm here by myself and that happens. Rachel helped a lot, got the stuff that i needed to take and made sure i could elevate my foot and wrap up in my comforter and sleep soundly through the night while the meds did their thing. it's always something to appreciate someone and realize at the same time you have to maintain distance from them. a strange dichotomy indeed.
its early on Friday morning. i've taken my medicine after my prayer, had a cup of coffee. i'm about to read my books and get myself ready for work, as far as clothes go. it's really too early for all this shit, but i'm up and there's no point wasting the time. the work day should be fairly easy, with three people out today so far. at the same time, i do have one additional, which is a wheelchair client, so that's going to change the dynamic as well. if i do what i need to do, i'll come in tonight, get my ass up here to this office and do some writing and some recording. that's the plan. i'm behind on working on this song, and i have to start focusing in more directly on what i want to do for myself. it's going to be a sad change, but that's just part of life on life's terms. it was a sad change realizing Rachel was here but not here; its a sad change trying to remember my parents as younger adults and seeing that i can't, that in my mind they've always been these old people, and in turn, so have i. but that's how the mind keeps from collapsing, i believe. it doesn't try to maintain everything. just the pertinents. have a great day...or a great week. thank you, Jehovah, for even sporadically logged, the Journey continues.
Sunday, February 17, 2019
Words In the Way
points along the way, you kinda know that talking is pointless. and by that, i don't mean the passive withdrawing of any communication attempts at all that i used to practice and invoke in my younger years. i mean, you have a history of speaking truth into a situation, and receiving no response, and in that situation with that individual, you know that to try to give voice to care and concern is to hit the 'dead zone' of the human shared experience, like driving into a tunnel in the old cell-phone days and having your call drop like a man off a cliff.
as i said, before, i just didn't talk. bad feelings, discomfort, fear and anxiety, whatever the reason, i would just leave the communication behind at the first sign of trouble. what i've learned to do in my increasing age is to try, to express what i'm feeling, where i'm at and what i'm trying to convey, and give the other person an opportunity to respond or react, to either engage or push further away and ensconce themselves in the silence deeper, at which point i can just allow the situation to be what it is, knowing that i honestly tried to rebuild the road between us.
that's the point i'm at with so many people in my life right now. friends, family, others. people who i once thought would be the support foundation of my waning years, now i see are just question marks that i've decided not to pluck from the tree branches they hang from. no reason to; why is, indeed, a fool's question an awful lot of the time.
all that to say, i tried. i talked to Rachel about the silence yesterday, and the response was non-existent so far. that's cool. soon, this phase will be done, a new phase will be ushered in and my life will become whatever comes next. until then, i pray, i meditate, i read and i work on the stuff that i have in front of me, so that i don't neglect the will of my Father, who has provided all things to my benefit. i would love to share those things with someone, but better to enjoy them myself if no one else chooses to than to just neglect them entirely because they're not the way i want them. makes sense to me, anyway.
thank you Father, for the beginning of a good day.
as i said, before, i just didn't talk. bad feelings, discomfort, fear and anxiety, whatever the reason, i would just leave the communication behind at the first sign of trouble. what i've learned to do in my increasing age is to try, to express what i'm feeling, where i'm at and what i'm trying to convey, and give the other person an opportunity to respond or react, to either engage or push further away and ensconce themselves in the silence deeper, at which point i can just allow the situation to be what it is, knowing that i honestly tried to rebuild the road between us.
that's the point i'm at with so many people in my life right now. friends, family, others. people who i once thought would be the support foundation of my waning years, now i see are just question marks that i've decided not to pluck from the tree branches they hang from. no reason to; why is, indeed, a fool's question an awful lot of the time.
all that to say, i tried. i talked to Rachel about the silence yesterday, and the response was non-existent so far. that's cool. soon, this phase will be done, a new phase will be ushered in and my life will become whatever comes next. until then, i pray, i meditate, i read and i work on the stuff that i have in front of me, so that i don't neglect the will of my Father, who has provided all things to my benefit. i would love to share those things with someone, but better to enjoy them myself if no one else chooses to than to just neglect them entirely because they're not the way i want them. makes sense to me, anyway.
thank you Father, for the beginning of a good day.
Wednesday, February 13, 2019
coming back around
there is so much that has changed, and yet so much remains the same. the depression hasn't actually lifted, but it has changed it's focus and its demeanor and is easy to overlook most times. but it is still there, and addressing it is a smart thing to do.
it's wednesday morning now. more than a week since the last time i've written. and like most other points in my life, when things are not going well, i tend to internalize. i know this, and i've strove against it, but nature is a hard woman.
what exactly is wrong? i am empty in the company of so many people. i am constantly surrounded by people, and yet there is very little meaningful interchange. having Rachel here is not the worst thing in the world. at the same time, it is not something that fills many voids in my life either. i guess i could say that's my fault, as i'm prepared for her leaving. but that's factual, as in, "her house will be ready for her to move in on ______, and she'll be moving on at that point". it's not a thing of feeling that she's going to bail on me. so i'm not reserving myself due to that. i'm staying to myself because what we seem to be is a place where two people are being forced to share one seat. we don't really have anything to say. i have been trying to give her the space she says she had when she was in her house. trying not to entertain, trying not to act like there has to be any special occasion. this goes completely against my grain. so i shut down the externals, because it simplifies the process; no desire means no action. and it sucks. because there's nothing to talk about. nothing to engage in. we don't watch the same things, and i barely watch television anyway. she's not creating and i'm not paying for her habitual consumptions. so i work, and i come home, and she is talking well enough on the phone to whomever. and i do my evening shit and i make my way to bed. and struggle to sleep through whatever she's listening to or watching. and then it's the next day.
work is also starting to take a toll on me. not the work itself. one is the having to get up earlier and move sooner than i was in order to accommodate Joshua, Lonnie's son. i do so willingly, as with Rachel being here, because Lonnie has been my best friend and benefactor in so many of my dark times, and i love his son as family. but i am sleeping less, and up earlier, and doing fewer things, and this contributes to it in a large way. i've little patience for most people now anyway, and this doesn't make it better at all. but i get through. i have no choice. i am hoping that he gets a good car for himself soon enough, but i am writing this so i can get it out of me and not carry it in silence any longer.
funny thing is, i don't feel particularly burdened in this. Rachel being here and us not being communicative just means i have a person here in my void. i wouldn't ask someone to be in this with me, and it's not a necessary thing, but i can't force her to come further and i've already issued the invitation to her to do so. so all i can do is live my life. Joshua is holding on to his job, the first one he's had in a few years. worth the stress of the moment, and he pays me for rides, which is cool of him.
meanwhile, i read my meditations, i pray, i take my meds and insulin and i try to change my attitude a little at a time. i try to remember my gratitude. that helps a lot. i am blessed, and i express my gratitude to Jehovah here, and i get on with this day, feeling better for having logged about this leg of the Journey.
it's wednesday morning now. more than a week since the last time i've written. and like most other points in my life, when things are not going well, i tend to internalize. i know this, and i've strove against it, but nature is a hard woman.
what exactly is wrong? i am empty in the company of so many people. i am constantly surrounded by people, and yet there is very little meaningful interchange. having Rachel here is not the worst thing in the world. at the same time, it is not something that fills many voids in my life either. i guess i could say that's my fault, as i'm prepared for her leaving. but that's factual, as in, "her house will be ready for her to move in on ______, and she'll be moving on at that point". it's not a thing of feeling that she's going to bail on me. so i'm not reserving myself due to that. i'm staying to myself because what we seem to be is a place where two people are being forced to share one seat. we don't really have anything to say. i have been trying to give her the space she says she had when she was in her house. trying not to entertain, trying not to act like there has to be any special occasion. this goes completely against my grain. so i shut down the externals, because it simplifies the process; no desire means no action. and it sucks. because there's nothing to talk about. nothing to engage in. we don't watch the same things, and i barely watch television anyway. she's not creating and i'm not paying for her habitual consumptions. so i work, and i come home, and she is talking well enough on the phone to whomever. and i do my evening shit and i make my way to bed. and struggle to sleep through whatever she's listening to or watching. and then it's the next day.
work is also starting to take a toll on me. not the work itself. one is the having to get up earlier and move sooner than i was in order to accommodate Joshua, Lonnie's son. i do so willingly, as with Rachel being here, because Lonnie has been my best friend and benefactor in so many of my dark times, and i love his son as family. but i am sleeping less, and up earlier, and doing fewer things, and this contributes to it in a large way. i've little patience for most people now anyway, and this doesn't make it better at all. but i get through. i have no choice. i am hoping that he gets a good car for himself soon enough, but i am writing this so i can get it out of me and not carry it in silence any longer.
funny thing is, i don't feel particularly burdened in this. Rachel being here and us not being communicative just means i have a person here in my void. i wouldn't ask someone to be in this with me, and it's not a necessary thing, but i can't force her to come further and i've already issued the invitation to her to do so. so all i can do is live my life. Joshua is holding on to his job, the first one he's had in a few years. worth the stress of the moment, and he pays me for rides, which is cool of him.
meanwhile, i read my meditations, i pray, i take my meds and insulin and i try to change my attitude a little at a time. i try to remember my gratitude. that helps a lot. i am blessed, and i express my gratitude to Jehovah here, and i get on with this day, feeling better for having logged about this leg of the Journey.
Tuesday, February 5, 2019
Tuesday, Y'know?
almost time to go to work. I haven't been real good in this lately. i don't know why; i've been doing this for some years now. it's amazing to think so. its amazing to know so, to be honest. and i'm not sorry about it, nor do i regret the journaling of my life, my emotions, my failures, successes, pain and pleasure. i don't know why, or even if, there's a difficulty now. i know i'm tired a lot of the times, but no more depressed than usual. i don't even think of depression as
'out of the norm' anymore. i just know that i feel okay, but i'm tired. i took gabapentin last night, slept soundly, only woke once to go to the bathroom. i ate soup for dinner, and enjoyed it. Rachel went to do her 9 o'clock run, but hasn't come in and that's cool. definitely not a 'report in' situation. Ava's been let outside, has food and water, so i don't have to worry about that. and the day lay ahead.
i can say some changes are going on, and i'm not sure what exactly they stand for. i'm sick of working at PCS. not sick of the work; sick of the PLACE. the atmosphere there almost makes me ill. you get the sense of being Julius Ceaser at a Senate gathering. and i come and go, and do my thing and leave, and i'm okay with that arrangement.
yesterday wasn't a bad thing. easy enough day. today will be slightly harder, i'm sure. today i have both wheelchairs, but one at a time. and i'm not even sure how the second one will work, time-wise, into my run. but it doesnt' matter. a thing to be done, that's all...
heard from a friend that she went through treatment finally, and has a month clean. that makes me happy. i hope she follows through; i hope she uses some of the tools she's acquired, like meetings, phone numbers and most of all talking, so she can build a foundation for her sobriety to exist upon.
took meds, read books, had a muffin. prayed, for certain. it's time to warm the car. i will be back here sooner, i promise.
thank you, Jehovah, for my sober life.
'out of the norm' anymore. i just know that i feel okay, but i'm tired. i took gabapentin last night, slept soundly, only woke once to go to the bathroom. i ate soup for dinner, and enjoyed it. Rachel went to do her 9 o'clock run, but hasn't come in and that's cool. definitely not a 'report in' situation. Ava's been let outside, has food and water, so i don't have to worry about that. and the day lay ahead.
i can say some changes are going on, and i'm not sure what exactly they stand for. i'm sick of working at PCS. not sick of the work; sick of the PLACE. the atmosphere there almost makes me ill. you get the sense of being Julius Ceaser at a Senate gathering. and i come and go, and do my thing and leave, and i'm okay with that arrangement.
yesterday wasn't a bad thing. easy enough day. today will be slightly harder, i'm sure. today i have both wheelchairs, but one at a time. and i'm not even sure how the second one will work, time-wise, into my run. but it doesnt' matter. a thing to be done, that's all...
heard from a friend that she went through treatment finally, and has a month clean. that makes me happy. i hope she follows through; i hope she uses some of the tools she's acquired, like meetings, phone numbers and most of all talking, so she can build a foundation for her sobriety to exist upon.
took meds, read books, had a muffin. prayed, for certain. it's time to warm the car. i will be back here sooner, i promise.
thank you, Jehovah, for my sober life.
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