it's Tuesday. the day has started well, emotionally and mentally, though i am having a bout of gout (haha) and it's making walking troublesome, though not impossible. I've been taking my medicine and cherry juice, but it's holding on and flaring and so i didn't go to the gym today. I got up with prayer, had a very responsible breakfast and have been doing quite a bit of good writing. i portioned out some lasagna and lemon pound cake for SL in case she should come to pick it up, but that's up to her. My dad asked if i could take him downtown tonight, a meeting at the historical society, and i told him i would. i won't put family on hold for anyone anymore.
my mind still feels sharp, but i'm tired and i'm sure most of that is just the strain of mentally dealing with this gout. i wish i could have gone to the gym today, but i am going to go tomorrow without a doubt. i have clothes to wash, i have a few things i need to tend to online and i need to keep my ass off social media. nothing is going on there that won't be going on in the next year, so it's time to just see the universe. such as it is. more later.
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Monday, February 22, 2016
thank you God
i feel a lifting. I don't want to speak prematurely, but something inside me has shifted. I felt it yesterday, i spoke on it slightly and i guess i'll speak on it a bit more. i started this day off feeling blessed and energized. it has been a while. it has been a couple of months, at least. but i felt it today. and I am now going to start doing this in earnest again.
yesterday, i was at my meeting. it is a big book study. we were on the chapter in the big book of AA entitled 'there is a solution'. it was exactly what i needed to hear. in that chapter, they talk about the dis-ease of alcoholism, but the obsessive/compulsive nature of the alcoholic is the obsessive/compulsive nature of the addict, the eating disorder sufferer, the gambler, the depressive and so many other afflicted people. they can't all be cured with 'abstinence' as it is written in the book for alcoholics to begin their journeys, but it can be seen that we indulge in certain behaviors that take us to doing things that we don't necessarily want to do, actions that we are trying to leave behind. and when this happens, there is no real such thing as 'will-power', there is no real such thing as 'determination', because once the cycle begins, it begins until the mind can effect a new level of acceptance, deeper than the level that was initially required to begin the journey in the first damn place. in other words, even recovery is a form of dependency, which has a tolerance level that has to be superseded in order to restart the journey. what has this to do with me?
i slacked off at the holidays. i made happiness and comfort my guidance system instead of the goals i'd set in September. I compromised the mission, as i've done so many times in the past. and when i tried to get back on track without accepting that the lack of discipline was the problem and not what R was doing or not doing or what anyone else in my life was responsive or reactionary about, it didn't work. that's the reality, that's the truth. i lost my way because i put things in front of my goal and those things were not going to get me where i needed to go.
where am i now?
i went to the gym. my son came to youngstown because i told him that it would be really good to see him. i feel my acceptance has improved. i am writing like crazy. i saw how there are actually people who care about me at the gym, who were glad to see me back. i know that i can allow my isms, my food fiend attitude, my actions against my own best interest to dictate the course of events, or i can accept that i believe in God, that God has a plan for me, and he doesn't need me to alter it just because there are parts that are 'too hard' for me to stay true to. that's where i am right now. and that's what i'm going to work on.
i don't know what tomorrow is going to bring, or if it will come at all. but i know if it does, i'm going to turn my will and life over to God, ask that God's will be done in all things, and be obedient to the process. and that i am grateful for the people who are always there for me, no matter what.
yesterday, i was at my meeting. it is a big book study. we were on the chapter in the big book of AA entitled 'there is a solution'. it was exactly what i needed to hear. in that chapter, they talk about the dis-ease of alcoholism, but the obsessive/compulsive nature of the alcoholic is the obsessive/compulsive nature of the addict, the eating disorder sufferer, the gambler, the depressive and so many other afflicted people. they can't all be cured with 'abstinence' as it is written in the book for alcoholics to begin their journeys, but it can be seen that we indulge in certain behaviors that take us to doing things that we don't necessarily want to do, actions that we are trying to leave behind. and when this happens, there is no real such thing as 'will-power', there is no real such thing as 'determination', because once the cycle begins, it begins until the mind can effect a new level of acceptance, deeper than the level that was initially required to begin the journey in the first damn place. in other words, even recovery is a form of dependency, which has a tolerance level that has to be superseded in order to restart the journey. what has this to do with me?
i slacked off at the holidays. i made happiness and comfort my guidance system instead of the goals i'd set in September. I compromised the mission, as i've done so many times in the past. and when i tried to get back on track without accepting that the lack of discipline was the problem and not what R was doing or not doing or what anyone else in my life was responsive or reactionary about, it didn't work. that's the reality, that's the truth. i lost my way because i put things in front of my goal and those things were not going to get me where i needed to go.
where am i now?
i went to the gym. my son came to youngstown because i told him that it would be really good to see him. i feel my acceptance has improved. i am writing like crazy. i saw how there are actually people who care about me at the gym, who were glad to see me back. i know that i can allow my isms, my food fiend attitude, my actions against my own best interest to dictate the course of events, or i can accept that i believe in God, that God has a plan for me, and he doesn't need me to alter it just because there are parts that are 'too hard' for me to stay true to. that's where i am right now. and that's what i'm going to work on.
i don't know what tomorrow is going to bring, or if it will come at all. but i know if it does, i'm going to turn my will and life over to God, ask that God's will be done in all things, and be obedient to the process. and that i am grateful for the people who are always there for me, no matter what.
Sunday, February 21, 2016
found wandering, lost in space
well, this is a curious crossroads i'm at.
you learn, if you pay attention, that there are more than one reality that you live in at any given time. because though your life is the primary life you are living, you are always also living a piece of someone else's life as well. it's the nature of interdependancy. unless you live in complete isolation, cut off from every other human, you are influenced by and are an influence upon, every other living being you come in contact with. and even in complete isolation, you were born, you have parents, and at some point they bore a great deal of the psychic weight that became part of your own conscious life. so you can't get away from it.
i am not doing well. i have allowed those interdependent struggles to define and undermine my internal progress. i am acknowledging this because the time for change is nigh.
but i think the corner is about to be turned.
i don't want to go into detail about it, because thus far that's felt mostly like i'm whistling in the dark. suffice it to say, i have allowed my spirit to be hijacked again, right under my nose, which is how it always happens. i will go more into detail once i get my ass back in gear, within the next 48 hours.
thank you, Father, for showing me how to get the answers by cleaning my house. later.
you learn, if you pay attention, that there are more than one reality that you live in at any given time. because though your life is the primary life you are living, you are always also living a piece of someone else's life as well. it's the nature of interdependancy. unless you live in complete isolation, cut off from every other human, you are influenced by and are an influence upon, every other living being you come in contact with. and even in complete isolation, you were born, you have parents, and at some point they bore a great deal of the psychic weight that became part of your own conscious life. so you can't get away from it.
i am not doing well. i have allowed those interdependent struggles to define and undermine my internal progress. i am acknowledging this because the time for change is nigh.
but i think the corner is about to be turned.
i don't want to go into detail about it, because thus far that's felt mostly like i'm whistling in the dark. suffice it to say, i have allowed my spirit to be hijacked again, right under my nose, which is how it always happens. i will go more into detail once i get my ass back in gear, within the next 48 hours.
thank you, Father, for showing me how to get the answers by cleaning my house. later.
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
snowed in
it's a pretty day out today. but there's a lot of snow.
i am in not good shape. i am slacking bad. i am not going to punish myself for that, but i am going to seek clarity and more effective action. so that starts with full disclosure and as brutal of honesty as i can muster without self-damage.
first, current events. i got up today and i don't believe i said my prayers. the fact that i can't remember is the reason that it's time for a major overhaul in this process. i got up, i was groggy and grumpy and lazy. it is snowed under, so the gym is out, but it is an excuse, a better excuse compared to the poor excuses of this week. truth is, i have used R as a way of defocusing, of being sad and therefore unproductive. and she deserves better than that, but more importantly, I DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT. that is the truth, but what's happening now is what i said. i got up, there was no school, it was cancelled yesterday. i watched the episode of Gravity Falls i'd been trying to catch, and TP called as i started watching it to bitch about stuff. eventually i told her i'd call back, as i'd been waiting for two days for the season and series finale to come on and couldn't watch it yesterday as my dad was getting out of the hospital and my brother and i had to go get him and the second showing was at midnight. so i wanted to see it, not wait until 4 and the next interruption. i don't really feel bad for telling her i'd call her back. she complains about everything now, and i'm seeing that between her and the guy that i used to sponsor who is trying to figure out how to get with her, i need distance because i only see bad things coming. but that's enough of that.
i ate, i watched my show, i went back to bed. i laid in the bed, knowing i needed to get my quizzes emailed, knowing i have shit to do, and doing none of it. i just lay back, on fucking facebook. at this point, its closing in on noon, i've emailed my quizzes, i am starting on cleaning and i'm writing in my journal, so it's moving along.
as of late, i've been moody, irritable, distant and sad. i've been lonely in an incredible way, and my mind just runs with it. i can't blame R for that, nor am i. i've known her for 10 years. her depression is as unique as my own. i can only say that love is a very complicated river to navigate, that it never gets easier and that regardless of your desire to not be in it, you always find yourself back there except by a force of self-will, of which i have no desire for now. a friend came back yesterday and sunday, new friend, and that helped, and it showed me that what i really need is to get out of this seclusion and get back to what is going to work for me. and that is what i'm attempting at this time. i hate that i've been so easy to manipulate by my poor choices. it has to get easier, self-discipline. in the Big Book it talks of letting God discipline us as the steps suggest, but God is not going to do for me what i can do for myself. if God says do these things and you can feel better and i say 'i'll try my own way for the millionth time, it may work this time, but thank you', then i get no results and i stay miserable. that's the deal. and i know that. so why am i still living like i don't have to go to the gym, like i don't have to change my habits? why am i still down when i know that if R could get in touch with me she would but if my depression changes my actions then depression has the power to change actions? because i am still not willing to put the energy into the process. and that's got to change.
this day is almost done. i haven't had gout too bad today, which is a nice change of pace. i talked to my new friend twice today, we'll refer to her as SL. it's just nice having another grown voice in my life. they are rather scarce these days. i got some work done in the living room. i've got to put in some more applications today, see if i can find some other peer support positions in this area. once i have my certification i think that will make a lot of this easier. i don't know. i felt some better today. i needed a day like this; do some things, what i can, and no reason to go above and beyond for the rest of it. tomorrow, i'll see what the day brings, but i am grateful to God for a day of productive rest. i'm done.
i am in not good shape. i am slacking bad. i am not going to punish myself for that, but i am going to seek clarity and more effective action. so that starts with full disclosure and as brutal of honesty as i can muster without self-damage.
first, current events. i got up today and i don't believe i said my prayers. the fact that i can't remember is the reason that it's time for a major overhaul in this process. i got up, i was groggy and grumpy and lazy. it is snowed under, so the gym is out, but it is an excuse, a better excuse compared to the poor excuses of this week. truth is, i have used R as a way of defocusing, of being sad and therefore unproductive. and she deserves better than that, but more importantly, I DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT. that is the truth, but what's happening now is what i said. i got up, there was no school, it was cancelled yesterday. i watched the episode of Gravity Falls i'd been trying to catch, and TP called as i started watching it to bitch about stuff. eventually i told her i'd call back, as i'd been waiting for two days for the season and series finale to come on and couldn't watch it yesterday as my dad was getting out of the hospital and my brother and i had to go get him and the second showing was at midnight. so i wanted to see it, not wait until 4 and the next interruption. i don't really feel bad for telling her i'd call her back. she complains about everything now, and i'm seeing that between her and the guy that i used to sponsor who is trying to figure out how to get with her, i need distance because i only see bad things coming. but that's enough of that.
i ate, i watched my show, i went back to bed. i laid in the bed, knowing i needed to get my quizzes emailed, knowing i have shit to do, and doing none of it. i just lay back, on fucking facebook. at this point, its closing in on noon, i've emailed my quizzes, i am starting on cleaning and i'm writing in my journal, so it's moving along.
as of late, i've been moody, irritable, distant and sad. i've been lonely in an incredible way, and my mind just runs with it. i can't blame R for that, nor am i. i've known her for 10 years. her depression is as unique as my own. i can only say that love is a very complicated river to navigate, that it never gets easier and that regardless of your desire to not be in it, you always find yourself back there except by a force of self-will, of which i have no desire for now. a friend came back yesterday and sunday, new friend, and that helped, and it showed me that what i really need is to get out of this seclusion and get back to what is going to work for me. and that is what i'm attempting at this time. i hate that i've been so easy to manipulate by my poor choices. it has to get easier, self-discipline. in the Big Book it talks of letting God discipline us as the steps suggest, but God is not going to do for me what i can do for myself. if God says do these things and you can feel better and i say 'i'll try my own way for the millionth time, it may work this time, but thank you', then i get no results and i stay miserable. that's the deal. and i know that. so why am i still living like i don't have to go to the gym, like i don't have to change my habits? why am i still down when i know that if R could get in touch with me she would but if my depression changes my actions then depression has the power to change actions? because i am still not willing to put the energy into the process. and that's got to change.
this day is almost done. i haven't had gout too bad today, which is a nice change of pace. i talked to my new friend twice today, we'll refer to her as SL. it's just nice having another grown voice in my life. they are rather scarce these days. i got some work done in the living room. i've got to put in some more applications today, see if i can find some other peer support positions in this area. once i have my certification i think that will make a lot of this easier. i don't know. i felt some better today. i needed a day like this; do some things, what i can, and no reason to go above and beyond for the rest of it. tomorrow, i'll see what the day brings, but i am grateful to God for a day of productive rest. i'm done.
Sunday, February 14, 2016
it doesn't end
it's been a few days. I didn't mean to let it get away from me but between the training class and the cold, I just sort of burrowed into a persona that would keep me going and i put everything else on hold for a while. i wish i'd stayed there. i really do. i have found that one of my oldest friends in this program, Mark Lewis from Columbiana County, died on the first of February. I am near tears, but they're not falling. i saw him last year, in Salem. I'd gone to see if i could find the apartment he and his wife were living in. they'd lived in Lisbon for years, in fact that is where they lived when i met him in treatment in 88. but they lost the house, his addiction robbing them for the entire length of my sobriety, and his wife had a stroke and he had a number of illnesses that were killing him. so i had a chance to see him, to sit and have coffee with him and talk to him. I gave him some money for cigarettes at the end and promised i'd come to visit him in cleveland when he moved there with their baby girl. but i never did, never got the chance, and seeing him sick i truly did not want to see his wife, Pat, crippled with stroke. they were two of the best people i'd even known in my life. and now he's dead. I don't know how. I don't know what exactly happened. i only know his time came, and he's gone. i found out about it on facebook. i wonder how many other people have gone that i don't know about, that i will never truly know about. one day i will be gone, and someone that cared about me once upon a time won't know about it. but that's life for some of us. the ones who live grieve the ones who die, and eventually we each get a turn in both roles.
i have work to do now. i don't want to continue on in half tones and half measures. i want to get it right. i see the light ahead of me, i see where things can change and maybe my last years can be wonderful. i don't know for sure; i'm not God and do not presume to know His mind. but i know that i've been given some keys to some doors i'd not had before and i intend to use them. so, i am going to get on with my writing, with my orbit. it's been rocky so far. it's been stop and start. but i do believe i can do it. i am going to grieve my friend for a few more hours, and then i'll get ready to get back to riding this thing. it's all i know to do.
i have work to do now. i don't want to continue on in half tones and half measures. i want to get it right. i see the light ahead of me, i see where things can change and maybe my last years can be wonderful. i don't know for sure; i'm not God and do not presume to know His mind. but i know that i've been given some keys to some doors i'd not had before and i intend to use them. so, i am going to get on with my writing, with my orbit. it's been rocky so far. it's been stop and start. but i do believe i can do it. i am going to grieve my friend for a few more hours, and then i'll get ready to get back to riding this thing. it's all i know to do.
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
revelation
i am tired again. tired of this world and the things it does for no reason other than greed and chaos.
the class is exactly what i knew it would be, tiny boxes to compartmentalize intelligence in enough fractured pieces that it disappears.
i wish i had counseling this week.
i'm not writing, because i am pretty disgusted. but i will write about it tomorrow. God willing, and the creek don't rise.
the class is exactly what i knew it would be, tiny boxes to compartmentalize intelligence in enough fractured pieces that it disappears.
i wish i had counseling this week.
i'm not writing, because i am pretty disgusted. but i will write about it tomorrow. God willing, and the creek don't rise.
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
...you caught me smiling...
that's the title of a Sly Stone song that I love. it's how i'm feeling this evening, I guess. my counselor informed me that 10 and 2 are no longer the correct positions for one's hands due to the proliferation of airbags in cars. i know i am a dinosaur, feel it more acutely every day, and though i know it wasn't intentional, it was like she just casually carbon dated me and found me a fossil. so i'm smiling, just thinking about how much things change, and how much they stay the same after all.
my back is still hurting, my gout has faded back some, and i'm tired but not like yesterday. i got up with prayer and coffee, saw Syd off and had my breakfast, an omelet and the other bagel half. I got to the training in more than enough time and liberated another muffin for Syd. the classes were pretty much the same. i am sure that i can pass the certification test, i'm going to put in study time every day to make sure that happens. well, tomorrow and thursday anyway. tomorrow morning, tomorrow when i get in from training.
I got in and called TF to see how she was, and of course she's still romancing the heaviness of her grief. I don't mean to imply that she's not legitimately sad; hell, both her parents are gone from this world. but i know she is into drama, though she pretends not to be, and i know for some people it just comes naturally. i also called TP, who is very ill but that didn't stop her from talking for about twenty minutes straight about things i don't care anything about at all. it's a strange thing, friendship. that's what you have to do sometimes. just shut up, let someone run until they've exhausted their crazy and then go on about your business. it's all good.
i just want to crash, get up and get wednesday under my belt. tired. but i'm still smiling. obviously i couldn't pass a driving test today if i don't even know where to put my hands. and the really strange thing is, not being able to pass wouldn't even mean i wouldn't pass in a world like this. Thanks, God, for humor despite the insanity.
my back is still hurting, my gout has faded back some, and i'm tired but not like yesterday. i got up with prayer and coffee, saw Syd off and had my breakfast, an omelet and the other bagel half. I got to the training in more than enough time and liberated another muffin for Syd. the classes were pretty much the same. i am sure that i can pass the certification test, i'm going to put in study time every day to make sure that happens. well, tomorrow and thursday anyway. tomorrow morning, tomorrow when i get in from training.
I got in and called TF to see how she was, and of course she's still romancing the heaviness of her grief. I don't mean to imply that she's not legitimately sad; hell, both her parents are gone from this world. but i know she is into drama, though she pretends not to be, and i know for some people it just comes naturally. i also called TP, who is very ill but that didn't stop her from talking for about twenty minutes straight about things i don't care anything about at all. it's a strange thing, friendship. that's what you have to do sometimes. just shut up, let someone run until they've exhausted their crazy and then go on about your business. it's all good.
i just want to crash, get up and get wednesday under my belt. tired. but i'm still smiling. obviously i couldn't pass a driving test today if i don't even know where to put my hands. and the really strange thing is, not being able to pass wouldn't even mean i wouldn't pass in a world like this. Thanks, God, for humor despite the insanity.
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