Laid-Back Alpha

so anyway, it's Thursday again.  got six more days at PCS, then it's on to the next adventure.  well, that's cool.  i've been trying to busy myself with some activities and shit, but a lot of it is just wishful thinking.  can't really muster up a lot of energy these days.  it's okay.  i'm not in the hurry folks sometimes seem to think i should be in.

what's been going on lately?  well, my mom is at home at the moment, in great pain, having had the 2nd epidural but poorly affected by the anesthesia.  other than having gone to see 'Joker', i've done nothing  else truly social, but i am having a dinner here for some friends on Saturday, which will be different.  going to be a strange dynamic, as i'm having some work friends, a new acquaintance and old, dear friends under one roof.  but i've not really had any company to do anything special with in years, so this should be entertaining under any circumstances.

i've been very angry about my brother's situation, with him raising his daughter's sons but receiving no kind of financial assistance in the doing, with him having his ex-wife living with him and putting him through hell all over again.  its like he believes he's supposed to be punished for his past sins, without the belief system in place that he's forgiven by God if he repents and changes.  but there's nothing i can do about that; he made the decisions to do the things that are happening to him.  i can pray, i can turn it over, and i can talk if he ever wants to talk.  but any actions belong to him, and he's reaching the point now where action of any physical kind has become extraordinarily daunting for him.

that's about the long and the short of it.  going to do some writing.  going to get some rest.  going to work tomorrow and then get ready for Saturday, God willing.  going to try to stay positive about everything, and remember that despite being a laid-back alpha, i wear human skin and do human things.  and that is the reality i have to deal with first, or nothing else really falls into place.  I thank my Father Jehovah for putting that in my mind this morning.  i'm done.

...so yesterday my dad received the honor of a scholarship in his name, for his work with the Ebony Lifeline Support Group and their annual banquet.  I know he's as happy as a clam in a box of shells, and i'm happy for him.  that's him, with the color-coded umbrella, if you couldn't guess.

it's sunday.  it's been a long day, long enough for certain.  i'm ready to get the work week started.  it's my last two weeks where i am; the adventure will continue at another venue, and i'm glad about that.  glad and sad: melancholy.  i have been with my job almost 2 years.  they hired me when no one else was.  i learned about the developmentally disabled community, of which i'd been on the perimeter of but never had viewed it from the inside.  i probably don't have that angle now, but i'm closer than i was and i'm honored that I've been able to see it from at least this perspective.  i've learned a lot, and i've been glad to be able to do so.  but i need to have more time to do the stuff that i have to see through.  and this is not giving me the opportunity to do that.  not to mention, there are some things that are just a bit...unsettling where i am, and have been for many months now, and i would love to be in a healthier environment.  i hate leaving behind the couple of people i truly care about, but i know they won't be there much longer either, and that makes me happy too.

i went to see my mom today, paid her bills for her, typed and printed some things on their computer and went to my meeting.  i came home and ate my lunch, got to work on a soup that i prepped for yesterday and only got to make today, and now i'm going to write a bit on my book before i take my shower.

the weekend has been rather peaceful. and you know, i have no complaints about that.  thank you, Father, and congratulations again, Dad.

Change, Regardless...

So, things are moving. There are some things I will write on tomorrow, but I need some regularity in my habits and this should help.  I apologize for the length of time between posts, as I've said before. But some things clarify themselves after time, and you can reflect on them a bit deeper.

So, I went to lunch with my daughter & grandson. It was very good to see then both, very good to be around him. I didn't hold him, due to. But I enjoyed his company, and he seemed to enjoy mine. He's developing well, and as his mother was at that age, he is very sociable. I can honestly say I'm thankful I was taught to be more open and friendly in my recovery, so I didn't saddle my child with that neurosis of my old self. We had lunch and I went back to work and that was almost the highlight of my week.

I say thay because I didn't get to do much more than work this past week. With my schedule being what it now is, I didn't get to my parent's house, didn't get to counseling, didn't do much of much. And that has been a drag. My mom fell again this week due to the recurrence of her pain I'm sure. Not blaming myself, but I should be able to be there. One of those things you learn: everyone can't make excuses, or nothing gets done at all. So some of my following entry will address that more directly, but that's later.

The company I work for has been bought out by a national corporation, so there are changes coming. I don't know if they'll be beneficial changes or not; only that no matter what anyone ever says, when ownership changes, everything else follows along. I'm not particularly worried, but I'm intersted to see how the rank & file deal with it.

October's nearly done, autumn pastels adorn the landscape, and I'm in Hubbard getting laundry done. I've worked on my living room, I'll finish in there, vacuum my bedroom and go through my mail. By then it'll be time to hit the dealership for my service appointment. First time in my life I've ever had that experience.  Then, home to do a bit more, and on to my dad's thing. For whatever reason, he's getting a scholarship named after him today. I'm always glad for his acknowledgements, but I really don't want to do this football game. I will go to respect my father, though.

Okay, need some breakfast and the clothes are in the dryers now, so on with the day.  I thank you, Father, for life that some people I know are not blessed with this day.

The Hard Things...

it's been a long time now, hasn't it?  it's not a life that's been great, and therefore nothing to write about.  it's been a lack of energy, a low drive to do much of anything, and therefore no writing gets done.  not here anyway.  but i have things going on.  that's life on life's terms, isn't it?

yesterday was a year since my sponsor passed away, since he died.  October 22, 2018.  yesterday his wife, Nancy, put his ashes into the creek.  i went to visit, to be with her while she did it.  i went to visit, to be support, to be supported. sad to say, in this we're practically all either one has, though we both have people who understand, as much as they can.  but the dynamic of who Johnnie L Copeland was is bigger than most people can encapsulate, and there's no point going into it a year later. 

i shared a poem that i wrote, but it's not the heart of my feelings.

In the end of ‘88,

Dying incrementally,

Didn’t mean to make you wait,

Glad that you were there

For me.

Another whole millennium,

How many times around the sun?

And I thought you would never die,

Thought for damn sure 

I’d be the one.

I didn’t have

A single thing,

Afraid to look folks

In the eye,

Twenty and newly

Off the pipe,

Too dumb to live,

Too scared to die,

And there you were,

A strong, black man,

A 3 piece suit

And glasses dark,

No smile, no frown,

Just power contained,

Something in that moment,

A spark,

Around the room,

The voices went,

I never heard

One single word

Until the time came

That you spoke,

Your voice,

And nothing else

Was heard.

Everyone hung

Upon your tone,

Your syllables

Brought order in

And somewhere

In my coke froze mind

I thought,

‘I want to be like him.”

When love’s an action,

Not a word,

Its gravity

Is greater still,

And everything

You’ve given me

Is love

That has not had it's fill,

For love does not need

To defend itself,

That’s one thing

You taught me,

Love is not bound

By death or life,

It goes on

Exponentially.

From when you’d sit

In my folk’s drive

And talk to me

Hours at a time

After meetings,

Making me know

That I was blessed

With a good mind.

When at meetings

I was honored

To be the one

Holding the floor

Knowing that what you

Shared with me

Would accomplish

Changes and more,

I wasn’t one

For the big stage,

I liked the trenches

For my fights

And while most showed

Only disdain

You let me know

That was alright,

But not forever,

Not always,

Just until it was time

To grow,

And when I asked

When would that be,

You’d smile and say,

“I’ll let you know.”

You knew I’d wait

And work

And try my best

To serve the higher cause,

And even when

My faith was shook

And when I chose

To take a pause

You never judged,

You never condemned,

You never sent me away.

You were the one

Who cleared the path,

You were the one

Who helped me stay,

You were the one

Who showed me things,

Like how to walk

And talk, and live.

You were the one

Who showed me

Spirit things were the

Best things to give,

A word of thanks,

A kindness shared,

A laugh, a cigarette,

A talk 

That did not have

A timer set,

A volleyball game,

A brief walk.

A person who would 

Have your back

Regardless what the fools

Pretend,

You were my uncle,

Brother,

Briefly you were my

Father,

But my friend?

Always.

From the very start.

And so much, so goddamned

Much more,

And what can I say now

Except

I understand

What I’m here for…

I wish you could have

Met my grandson,

Wish he could have

Heard your voice,

Wish he’d been blessed

By your wisdom,

But I guess

That leaves no choice

But to make sure

He has that option

By staying true

To the Way,

To the road my feet were placed on,

To the things

You had to say,

For they live 

Inside my spirit,

In my wolf

A lion resides,

And thanks to you

I’m not fearing any 

Human;

I don’t hide.

I make choices,

Live with the results,

Pay my dues

And do my time.

Enjoy what God

Puts before me,

Be it wafer, wine or crime.

I don’t have the luxury

Of belief that

Heaven awaits,

I know there’s a resurrection,

I know that’s the only fate,

I know I’ll see you again,

Maybe a moment, maybe more,

But for the past moments,

I’m grateful,

And that’s what the Program’s for.

Thank you for being

My Sponsor,

And for being

So much more...

i'm not saying it isn't true, but it's not the heart of my feelings about and for this man. 

because when the tape runs back all the way, i only remember being sad and scared.  those two emotions were all i had.

i was scared of people, scared because i'd taken one too many casual daggers along the way, about my weight, about my appearance, one too many daggers that people were always sticking in me.  i'd shut down, and to manage the shutting down, i drank, i smoked reefer, i did cocaine.  whatever it took to numb myself enough that the shutting down would work.  and i was sad because i had no real friends, no self-esteem, no prospect of a life that would be happiness  to live.  when i stood on that bucket in the garage on Gilbert Street in '88, i was trying to kill the need for people, to kill the weariness of struggling so hard to just fit in, of trying so much to not feel anything at all for way too long.

so in the first days of sobriety, all the numbness was gone, and only the fear of people was present.  and this man, this human being, he knew all this, somehow.  he knew it and he responded to it.  he started out our journey by saving my life, and he never stopped saving it. 

there would be days that i couldn't function at all, days where i couldn't leave my parent's basement.  paralyzed and just managing to do the autonomic stuff.  he would come to my parent's house, he would drag me to a meeting, he would make me clean up.  he would make me eat.  he showed me how to go to a restaurant, how to order food, how to sit and be normal. 

i danced because he made me dance.  I sing because he let me know i didn't have to be ashamed of enjoying creating things.  i write because he showed me that i have a right to be whomever i want to be, whatever that might be. 

he was significant in building up the CA 12 step fellowship, not just here but in Ohio period.  he played a part in building up the World Service level, a part i know nothing about.  he was smart, well-spoken, clean, handsome, confident, funny, stern, caring and intuitive.  he cared about people, from the depth of himself he cared about people.  he got no credit for his work, he got no remembrance for the people he's helped.  he got a bunch of betrayals and a bunch of ingratitude.  and in the end, the fellowship he'd worked so hard for for so many years...turned its back on him.  as it always does. 

so how do you put all that into a poem?


i saw my grandson and my daughter for the first time since September yesterday.  i went to lunch with them, i hung for a brief moment.  my grandson is so big now.  he says 'Hi' and 'Hello', he communicates mostly with attempts to communicate, if that makes sense.  it was very emotional for me.  i realize how much missing people affects me.  it's not easy at all.  to try to act like there's not a deficit of souls in my existence, just so i can balance out the sadness and the responsibility, is such an arduous chore.  but you do what you have to do.  in about 3 more weeks, i should be safe; i should be able to hold my grandson again.  and i will.  believe me, i will. 

i have more to say, but not this morning.  maybe tonight.  thank you for waiting for me, though.  i'll try to do better.

After Midnight...

it's almost one in the morning on Friday.  i thought about doing this earlier, but for whatever reason i did not.  now, as i am mostly awake but will likely dip back under for a couple more hours, it seems to be an honest time to Journey, to jot some things and keep it moving.  it's going to be a relatively light day anyway, and there's no point in not doing this...

start with the fact of the pain in my leg lessening, but still being there.  apparently this sciatica shit ain't nothing to play with.  you get older and all kinds of shit that used to mean nothing at all all of a sudden become the new dictionary in your head, that you study over and over to become more prolific at the science of your ass falling apart.  nonetheless, i've survived 2 weeks and some days of this, and i know i have to make some changes in the way i'm doing things again.  that is coming; not spoken facetiously, either.  i know it's coming because i know i haven't allowed it to leave my mind.  i liked who i was becoming before the surgery, and i want to meet him again and go where he was going.

i am learning that developmental disability is not so much a condition as a series of conditions that are summed up in words that group people together, and that's probably true of every single human experience in the 21st century.  i am also learning that from one county to the next, the way people grouped together as developmentally disabled are dealt with changes, but they themselves as a group do not.  Mahoning County seems to be much more together in the way they facilitate care than Trumbull, though Trumbull has likely been at it just as long.  it sucks.  (b-dubs, also sucks that with a workshop closed today i would have been able to make my counseling, but i cancelled because i didn't know the workshop would be closed, but that's another crumbling cookie).  at the workshops i go to now, i see people who actually come to help the drivers.  i see a lot of the inner city individuals that i didn't see in Trumbull county.  i would have sworn it was just suburbanites who got to send their kids to workshops and dayhabs, but i would have been mistaken.  so, there's that. 

i'm still finding the pleasant surprises along the way, and that is perhaps the only redeeming grace that remains to doing this job.  so much of it is just drudgery now.  like, a client who shall be called E, who i would have sworn was possessed.  white, cataract eyes, sullen, angry face, strapped into a wheelchair, speaking in angry tones mostly, sometimes seeming to speak in tongues.  i would look into my observation mirror to see her glowering at the front of the bus, and i swear to you it would chill me to the bone.  until i got to speaking to her and calling her by name, and now she says and acts the same way but i've gained some understanding and was told by one of the staff at her residence yesterday, "She must really like you; she don't talk this much unless she likes a person."  and it hit me; stop pre-judging, and just learn to see what's really there.  another client is the son of a man who used to be a best friend.  he is twisted up and seems so forlorn most of the time, but he never gives me any problems, though he's come out swinging on the staff at the workshop. 

best one so far, i'll call A.  young man, in a chair also.  sweet, serene, quiet, affectionate in that he seems to reach toward contact.  not a problem at all, except he likes to grab hold of things...seat belts, the back of the seat in front of him, whatever...and he doesn't easily let go.  E has disturbed him from time to time with her outbursts, i know.  A's mom told me he likes music, he likes smooth jazz, he likes old school and classic r&b.  i keep music in my phone, but nothing to the extent of what she was talking about.  two weeks, learning and trying to get better at my route, and A has put up with me.  yesterday just seemed to need a bit more somehow.  went to my jazz station on the internet and cued up the Fusion Lounge, which is more eclectic and electronica than jazz, but A perked up, visibly grooving a bit to it.  even E got quieter than normal.  after I got E and her housemate home and unloaded.  i decided to change to the Cool Jazz filter.  oh my goodness...A just went happy-crazy!  he started hooting, he was pounding on the seat to keep his version of time with the music, he was loving it.  Stanley Turrentine came on and it was like watching a sunrise in A's demeanor.  it was the best part of this last two weeks, to be sure. 

you just never can tell, can you?

got some plans with some people this weekend, which is different.  got to cook for my parents on Wednesday night, which i enjoyed, as well as talking to my mother.  got to talk to my nameless friend more.  we argue, we are both in compromised space, but we get along and it's good for me and i hope like hell its good for them too. 

tired now, so i'm going to go back to sleep.  thanks for hanging out with me for a bit...

Instant Fall

longer times between now, i know.  i'm not sure why.  seems as if the days are kind of blending together, not particularly spectacular, but a blur.  one to the next, mostly just trying to unravel the mysteries of the stupidities handed to me to deal with, including from my own mind.  i can say, by God's grace, I've dealt with them so far, and am grateful for that fact.

for the past 2 weeks, i've been in pain.  apparently sciatica, and have been to an ER and an urgent care. i am in possession of a churning gut, and cannot urinate without the feeling of needing to defecate, and nothing is coming but liquid.  stomach virus?  probably.

the weather has changed.  fall instantly came from summer once again.  no gradual bleeding away of the daylight and the heat.  just a hot day, cold nights, and then a cold day and leaves on the ground.  man's folly in God's sight, i suppose.

i get many pictures of my grandson, but it will be at least another month before i can spend any time with him. that's the saddest part of all this.

i have been trying to spend more time with my parents, with my mom anyway.  my dad is always out and running, but my mom is ensconced in the madness of their living arrangement.  i have a lot of work to do, trying to get her to a place where she is with company and cared for, but until then, i have to step up a bit more.  perhaps that's part of the lesson.  can't say for sure.

my friend, the Boss, lost her remaining parent at the end of last month.  i am sad and sorry for her, so many losses in such a short span of time.  i can also sort of relate, though both my parents are alive so i won't be hypocritical with that.

most of my time is alone, again.  since it seems to be my predilection, i am going to stop complaining about it and learn to make the most of it.  i'm working on a book of short stories and poems, to be released hopefully before year's end.  i'm also going to work on a friend's book, which should have some commercial value in a different consumer range and could help me get my brand out there.  we'll see.  one step at a time.

no counseling this week.  thanks, job.

but i'm still grateful.  the route, despite all the changes and partial information, is working.  and i won't be there tomorrow, which is no small blessing in itself.  i'm okay for this moment, and this moment is all we really have, right?

thank you, Father, for my life and my mind today.