this sucks. I'm very tired, but sleep is not coming tonight. i have things that are obviously on my mind, but nothing that should prevent me completely from falling asleep. yet, here i am. it's almost 4am. watching television earlier i was nodding, but that didn't translate over to laying down for the night.
the inclination is to eat, of course. but i won't. the only reason i won't is because i'm not hungry. a good reason not to eat. not one that i've put a lot of stock in as of late, i have to admit. but still, i've not eaten. i may drift off soon, may sleep a couple hours. but i have things to achieve tomorrow. cleaning to do, peppermint spray to mix and administer throughout the house. i have to gather clothes for wash, have to do some banking early. odds and ends stuff, perhaps, but my life is about odds and ends these days. but i hate doing shit exhausted. may not matter what i hate at this rate.
dreams are weird still. external stimuli is translating almost immediately into symbolism in my dreams. i don't know what that's about. keep thinking it doesn't matter anymore, but apparently i'm mistaken. something's bothering me. something's keeping me conscious.
had a problem earlier today. my hand swelled, left hand. just swelled, noticed because i was unconsciously flexing my hand and it hurt to make a fist all of a sudden. but that wasn't all, as the swelling seemed to ascend to my forearm. had a lot of swelling in my feet & lower legs after work too. too much sitting, i'm imagining. but i have exercises to do. i can remain stubborn or i can get to work. hands swelling aside, i need to get to work. i can not go on much longer like this, and i refuse to just remain passive about all this extra weight.
i'm going to shut this down now, try to fade out, maybe get about 5 hours. that would help. i am exhausted. thank you, Father, for the wherewithall to write.
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